What I saw in eyes so empty,
when soon I would be made full,
Was a blessing, that I'd be destined to forsake.
With every change in pace, I'd find the same rock.
With every Ocean to traverse, I'd have my distant shore.
But with the loss of some finer things,
That errosion of foundation;
We saw a temple crash,
A floodgate break,
A mountain crumble.
I'd bless the fool who'd call it grace.
I'd curse myself should I attempt a mend.
No, some loss is needed.
Some loss is wanted.
All loss becomes emptiness.
That thought in the back of your mind.
That through storm and drought and harsher winds.
Some shelter, either mental or physical,
Would be to greet your wounds.
Blasphemy, my mind screams.
Through selfishness and woe,
Truth, coos my heart.
No more harsh words dressed in sarcasm.
No apolagetic glances.
No time spent on unwarrented tears.
No my love, not my love.
Sing for morning some other day.
For the night has set for the final time.
Though bond be tried, it is not broken.
Tis only we who part ways.
No heart can beat with mine.
Nor would I ask for a return.
Words so delicate and refined to say what is better in silence.
Its... how its supposed to be...
Isnt it?
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
My two favorite stanzas of the piece.
Well, I don't have all that much to say except great job I agree with Kryollac, you may want to think about how useful punctuation is as a tool in your writing a comma brings about reflection, a period commands a full stop, a semi-colon is something in between,, you know all this already. But think about where you want it in your poem.
Great poem, I think. Wonderful imagery and conveying of emotion.
I really like this first stanza the best, because you were just so descriptive. You only had one mistake which was erosion from errosion. Understandable because i myself never check words that I would normally spell right. I really liked how you separated the last two sentences. i thought that was very clever. I do the same thing in my poems too.
Great job, loved it!
Watch your spelling.
I am wondering why there are periods at the end of every line. Grammatically it makes no sense. In addition, it breaks up the flow of thoughts and thus makes it difficult to understand what you were trying to say. Which lines are connected, and which are separate? Because each line ends with a period, this is difficult to tell, and it results in a bunch of disjointed and disconnected thoughts, and because there is no clear thread of thought throughout this poem, it is also difficult to understand what the poem was about, what the main point or theme was. I'm not sure that was your intention.
Another thing I'd like to bring up is imagery. Your poem has some, but most of it isn't particularly unique or descriptive, and the rest falls a bit flat because there's no connection to each other or a main theme. Basically, what effect the imagery could have had is hidden by the awkward punctuation.
Overall, fix the punctuation, modify it so that it helps connect ideas rather than disconnect them, and I think a lot of the issues I had with the poem will disappear. After that, take a look at your imagery; is there any other way you could describe things, any ways that you have never seen or heard before? And lastly, don't forget to pay attention to spelling; spell checkers don't always catch everything.