Celestia's fall.

Hey Eric! Juniper here (or by your terms adviser or whatever).

A quick note: You need to organize your portfolio to make it easy for your "Adviser" to find your latest works. It's a jungle of words in there.

So, yes, anyway, let's begin to dissect this poem.

She made me wake up.

I'm tired of all the nightmares.

I'm tripping on a star that had burned so bright,

that everyone had to drown her.

Repetition is an iffy thing with me; sometimes I like it, other times I can't stand it. This is one of those in-between times, where I'm not sure if it sounds good or not sure if it shall go. I don't know if I like the usage of "I'm" to begin a line here and such.

Also, I'm not too sure about the construction on this, dear, because it's kind of like... a bunch of thoughts thrown together that we (the audience) aren't quite able to understand unless we read over it carefully. So! I would suggest a bit of tinkering with this, to possibly make it over into something "easier" for us to read?

Another thing! Your last line here raises confusion for me and stuff. I'm not sure how it's working and stuff, but yeah . It's confusing.

She made me wake up.
Tired of all the nightmares,
I'm tripping on a star that had burned so bright
'til everyone had to drown her


(Just throwing that out there; Not suggesting you should change it to that precisely, but perhaps just clean that up a bit, dear)

An ocean comes up too short, there's better ways to kill the lights;

Romance her, desert her, bleed out the fight.

A fairy tale murder, with all the magic cut,

there's no more enchantment, instead there's broken bones.

I really like this bit here. The closeness of ideas and the organization of this really add dramatic atmosphere to this piece, Eric.

Oh God, oh God, forgive me! x2

Eek! Eric, like Schemilix said, don't do that. It's icky. Just... write it out twice or whatever, because this, is just... not acceptable unless you're turning this into a song, Eric.

Hand in hand with the dying man,

he points the way to follow, an afterlife is hard to swallow.

Believe what you must, just know that I loved her

and the way she never believed a word I said.

I love your creativity here. =D Very abstractly beautiful.

I'm not sure that "an" (in the second line here) is working too clean here and whatnot, dear. I would kind of either drop it, or maybe change it to "the". It's just seeming kind of hole-y with it this way.


But the closing of this stanza is wonderful.

She's blinding me, I wonder if she even noticed.

Don't wait for me, the cosmos are meant for the mos brilliant stars



Oh God, oh God, forgive me!

Okie, so, Eric, it seemed as if the star had been drowned before hand, and that would imply that it no longer shines brightly and such, but! Here you imply that this star is blinding you. I would rework this, dear, and possibly like, have the dark star lure you in. You know, how black holes are and such?

An ocean comes up too short, there's better ways to kill the lights;

Romance her, desert her, bleed out the fight.

A fairy tale murder, with all the magic cut,

there's no more enchantment, instead there's broken bones.



Lives off course, just forget about destiny.

Sweet. I like this repetition, although it's identical to one of the previous stanzas. Brings us half circle and keep ideas in mind. Nice work.


* - *

So, let's see:


This was really nice to read, Eric. It was abstract; a common concept presented with a totally different twist to it.

I would recommend polishing this, though. It's good, but it seems like a rough draft (No, it's not in my contract to edit for you, just give advice, y'know) and just chop all the excess fat away (you know, those little words that stick out and don't do anything. Yeah, those.).

I liked the organization in this though! At first glance, it seems a bit disorganized and like some bits can be rearranged, but it comes of rather nicely if you take your time and read it.


Nice work on this, Eric, keep up the great work .

Juniper