‘Thorn, don’t stay out too late.’ My momma told me as she tied my bright orange hair with a ribbon. She leaned over to kiss me. I giggled.
‘I’ll be fine, momma.’
And off I was, a happy twelve year old, clad in a bright, metallic green dress and golden sandals, basket in hand. I had exited my small home, which was on a hill and curved like a lopsided Easter egg, from the back.
I was going to go meet my best friend Thomas. His dad was a hunter, and he was going to take us out to the forest and show us how it was done. We’d hunt deer and boars, and anything else we could get our hands on.
I was bursting with anticipation, running as fast as my stubby little legs could take me. When I got to the house – which was almost identical to my own, Thomas was already waiting outside for me.
‘Hiya, Thorn.’ he said, smiling at me brightly. He was dressed in brown britches and an ivory tunic. Even though it hadn’t been that long since I’d seen him last – only a few weeks - his voice seemed deeper than I’d remembered. His hair was also longer, and it nearly came to eyes, where it curled over. He was carrying a knapsack filled with meat on his back.
His father, whom Thomas seemed to be a miniature of, came out with an axe in one hand and a rifle in the other.
‘You kids ready to do some hunting?’
‘We’ve been ready for a few weeks!’ I said.
‘Good. Then let’s go.’ He said as he led us past the gate, and into the forest. Giving me the gun and Thomas the axe, he began to give instructions. ‘Now, what I’ve discovered with animals is that capturing them works simply. Now Thomas, lay out one of those meat strips . . .’ He smiled as his son obeyed, then continued. ‘Now we just have to wait for an animal to be attracted to the meat. Once they’re in view, Thorn, shoot them with the rifle. We can use an axe if they don’t die.’
We had to wait for a few minutes for something to come. Finally, I heard a rustling. Without thinking or listening to my previous instructions, I shot. But it was only after that I realized I had heard the cry of a human.
End of chapter
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,991 Reviews
Hey!
Awesome job! There's just a few things I'd like to point out.
The Characters:
You need to include a little more detail about Thorn. Thorn, as of now, feels like an empty shell. I mean, we can see the happy part, but what about her feelings deep down? Feelings for Thomas? Thoughts, emotions? Add a little depth to her personality. Besides, she's acting a bit too immature for her age.
The Time Period:
This was one of the most confusing parts for me. You have tunics, sandals, dresses, which all suggest an older time period. But then you mention the rifle, I got confused. Which one is it?
Overall:
I like this! This has a very nice story line, and I can't wait to read what happens next.
Keep writing!
zOe
Hi,
It's an interesting debut; still there are some things that caught my eye.
First, I have to agree with Antigone that everything seems to perfect (but keep the happy atmosphere).
Also, Thorn's name doesn't work with her character she seems to light and kind to be a Thorn, but I sure there is plenty of time to show the opposite.
Based on your description of Thorn, she seems to immature to be give any weapon at all, and why isn't the dad (who needs a bit more personality) holding anything?
Add a bit more background to your characters like:
1. Where is Thorn's dad? (If he is dead why? And if he is at work what does he do?)
2. Doesn’t Thorn have any feelings for Thomas beyond that of friendship?
3. Why does Thorn act so young for her age? Is her mum overprotective? If so why is she allowed to go hunting?
Great way to break the happy atmosphere
Fix a couple of things and continue I would like to see how this turns out
Hey, Thorned Rose! I don't think I've critiqued anything by you yet. =P Time to fix that!
So, I didn't spot any grammatical nit-picks that you can't fix with a quick proofread and a run through spell check.
Shiny Happy People
It's a song. By R.E.M. It's a good song, but aside from that, this story makes me think of it because it's just so... happy. Everything that happens in this story was just perfect and nice and accompanied with a smile. We started off with a nice little meeting between a mother and a daughter."Momma" and hair ribbons and niceties. And then our 12-year old MC skips off. Unfortunately, this makes her sound as though she's six.
And then she's off to see her friend who says happily, "Hiya!"
Now, these shiny scenes could be good, but I can't seem to enjoy them because of...
The Characters
I can't get into them. We haven't been provided with enough depth to like them. All we get is a brief physical description and a little superficial scene.
Momma: So, she's nice. She cares about her daughter, she ties ribbons for her! But this doesn't tell me anything. It's a brief interaction in the grand scheme of things, and really lacks emotion.
Thomas: The best friend. Well, he's nice too. But what's your MC's reaction to him? Has she secretly been ion love with him for years? Does it make her angry that he wore the ugliest shirt ever? xD
Right now he's just a brief little wisp of a paragraph.
Thorn: Okay, her name is a little... sketchy. It really bothers me in a fantasy when one character has some super unique name like Shadow or Raven, and everyone else is named Thomas and Billy.
She also acts for too young for her age. Momma, and skipping...
We don't really get much with Thomas' dad.
The Hunting
She takes some random basket to go hunting? I just thought that was weird...
The Time Period
Yeah. When is it?
They where tunics and medieval dresses and stuffs, but they mention Easter. And they have rifles. If you have a rifle, why would you bring an ax? If you shoot something and it doesn't die, shoot it again!
Good luck and happy editing,
Antigone