Thorn's Rose Prologue

Hi, Pepper! June here!

My apologies on getting to this so late (let's just say fashionably late ) and my apologies in advance if I sound harsh.

Closer, closer, closer. Every minute that comes is a minute closer to my death. I am now in the final hour that I never imagined. The long and winding road dotted with fire and destruction, death, love and even things that I never imagined would happen to a simple girl like me, will have come to a stop.

• About a year and a half ago, I took a writing course (it wasn't directly a writing course, it was more like advanced language arts in Sophomore year), and one of the things we covered was how to write a prologue. The main rule that the teacher stressed, emphasized and drilled into our heads was: Be extremely careful about what you write about in your prologue.

This is because a reader will pick up a book in a bookstore, read the back cover, and if they like it, they may either flip through it or read the prologue. Your prologue needs to be worth that read, because that read will determine whether or not your reader buys your book. It's a first impression.

Another thing I learned is [I wasn't taught this directly, but everything we learned around this point kind of centered us to this and implied that this is something to be done] that a prologue doesn't need to be written at the beginning of your story. Learning to write the prologue is extremely important-- and if you ever get a hold of my computer and read my novels I have on here (which you better not, ever, ever do that-- your eyes would be in for some torture) check the dates; you will always see my prologues in a different file dated after I began the story, or at the very end of the story.

Why? Because! A prologue is almost an excerpt from the middle of the story. Most of the time, a prologue is an exact excerpt from a climax point in the story that's essentially one of the more interesting parts of the story that makes your audience want to read the book.

Why am I saying all of this? Because I can tell in this prologue that this is where you started for your story. Now, from this point, you're going to expand your story and write based on what you shadowed here. I like to write the prologue after so that I don't have to restrain myself to the limits of the prologue. I feel like instead of you capturing a tiny part of action, dear, you're trying to give us fragments of all of it, so that when we read this we say, "Yay, action-filled story!"

Don't do that! It's not completely a bad thing, but exciting prologues that don't give us a lot of the story are better. By saying this, I don't mean to go off and write a super-vague prologue for us-- find something in between, dear.


• Closer, closer, closer.

In story writing, you will find that some images create an instant, implied meaning in our heads. For instance, if I said "He was angular," you may think that I'm talking about his body shape or something-- you wouldn't guess straight away that I meant that his speech was cold, and abrupt.

[For me] This opening brought to mind the image of distance rather than time, but the later lines indicate that time is running out. Honestly, I don't think you actually need this closer, closer, closer because it's not giving us anything other than getting closer to something-- and you already state that in your following lines.

• Every minute that comes is a minute closer to my death. I am now in the final hour that I never imagined.

Here, you use a sort of "lingering language". By this, I mean you reinforce your points before you bring it forward. Like this:

"The dog was on the porch. On the porch, he walked to the door and sat down. He sat down to think about going inside or staying outside."

Understand? I didn't actually need to repeat porch in the second sentence, nor did I need to clarify that I sat down.

My example is pretty flat, I know, but! Pay attention, it's very close to what you're doing here, dear, and you can reduce the opening of this prologue to a few lines. I would eliminate the second sentence here, because if you isolate it, it's not making much sense, it could be used for anything, and it's not providing any solid information, dear.


• The long and winding road dotted with fire and destruction, death, love and even things that I never imagined would happen to a simple girl like me, will have come to a stop.

First, repetition! Imagine[d] has been used already in the previous stanza, and in writing, you will find that it's preferred not to use close repetition unless it's completely unavoidable.

Let me ask, is this long, winding road a metaphor for life? (Obvious question, but I have a reason. I think! ) See, if it's a metaphor for life, why does fire come before love, death and destruction. It's a simple [usually unspoken] concept to list things in descending order of greatness and stuff-- but it sounds odd to me! Because fire is a physical element, and life, death, and love are abstract elements-- this bit is a tad confusing, dear! I think you should tidy it up a trifle.

Ever since I have been in this cold iron cell, I cannot stop thinking about my meeting with death. It is harsh and cold, but it must come to us all.

Eliminate the second sentence-- it's a bit preachy, dear.

How old is this character? It seems like she's young-- perhaps no older than 15, but this voice that she's thinking in seems a bit old for the age I'm imagining.


• Ever since I have been in this cold iron cell,

Stick a comma after cold, dear.

Five years it has been since my long and difficult journey began. The shining sun and the beautiful weather were apparent on that last golden day of my life. The events that took place on that day were as clear as a shiny, brand new
piece of glass.

So!

- Especially in a prologue you want to use the most common, easiest language when writing.

- When writing, you want to use the most common, easy language, especially in a prologue.

The first sentence here isn't in common wording. To put it simpler, it would be "It has been five years..." and because the previous paragraph of this was simply spoken, you should continue that voice throughout the prologue.

Also, only the first sentence here strikes me as necessary. This is because if these are her last moments, I really don't think she'd be speaking in great detail, dearie. I don't like the glass simile; I would drop it, but for greater simplicity, I would drop all but the first sentence-- and I'm not saying this to be mean.

There were some things I wish I could un-turn and prevent this whole thing from ever happening to me. Sadly, out of the many things in our world, time travel is not one of them

Up until this point, Pepper, you have been speaking in present tense, and here you kind of switch to past when you say "were". I think you should switch that to "are", dear, because using were makes it sound a bit on the awkward side.

Also! un-turn is just not a word! I think undo suits much, much better there, and you can eliminate some of these words such as:

There were some things I wish I could go back and undo [s]and[/s] to prevent this whole thing from [s]ever[/s] happening[s] to me.[/s]

Precision is a good thing. The less words you use to be precise is always wonderful, dear.

• Sadly, out of the many things in our world, time travel is not one of them

One of what? You're not clear on that; perhaps if you reworded this to something a bit more like, "I had plenty of things in this world, but sadly, time travel was not one of them" or something a bit more like that, because the line you have here [in italics] is a bit hard to catch what you mean.

Also, remember punctuation. You need a period on the end of that line.

In my last hour, I must take the time to look back on the past five years of my life. Realize how I got here, so when the time of my execution comes, I shall be ready.

Eek! This part almost made me say "Nooo!"

Because, think! (I'm not sure if you've ever been in a life threatening situation, but more often than not, a person who knows their life is about to end will not want to remember the last wrong choices they made, and if they do, it's moreover for repentance, forgiveness, or wishes) I'm pretty sure this character realizes how she got here, and remembers all of the events that led her here. It's implied that she will be thinking of this, but it sounds like this is a journal entry and she is closing it letting us know that she's going to think about... bad things!

But, listen! Give her something else to do, think about escape plans-- anything. Imagine: if this was you, what would you be doing?

- = - = -


>> First Impressions

I thought this was a diary/journal entry at first, so I'm wondering if that's what this is, or your story will just carry the same sort of tone? I briefed over your first chapter, and the tone slightly changed. Remember that a prologue is a part of your story, not a preface. Keep the same tone as you write, dear.

It didn't totally seem like this character was about to die. If it's a diary entry, fine, that's good! But, if not, then it kind of sounds like the character doesn't really care. There's not much worry for friends and family or anything she had before. . . wait, it is a she, right?

We don't get any surrounding feelings of the setting. We don't sense regret, fear -- anything from her.


>> Opinions

I think, should you continue this, that you should rewrite this prologue. Now, our expectations of the story are low on one side and high on another, which is not totally a bad thing!

They're high, because standardly in prologues, we don't get the full picture of action aftermath, but here, we do! We know that some chaotic events preceded this, and now we need to learn about them.

On another note, they're somewhat drooping, because this story can't take us far judging from this prologue (can't judge a book by it's cover; judge by the prologue! ). You're restricted now, because you've somewhat given away the story in a sense that we might be able to imagine a string of events that could cause an aftermath such as this.

So, I would write the story, regardless of what this prologue speaks, and create another prologue from a later chapter in your story. Think: Can I place this prologue in a chapter and it flow freely?


>> Overall

It's decent. It needs work, but you can go places with this.

Of things that stand out, dear, I'd say to keep an eye on language-- you want a smooth flow throughout and some parts of this was shaky. Use simple language; if you're not sure how to word something, write it as you would say it. Use your voice.

Nice work, Pepper, very nice. Keep it up; you can go far with this.


June

A few references for writing prologues:

>> WikiHow: How to write a prologue

http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Prologue-for-Your-Novel

>> Foremost press: When to use a prologue (I really like this one; it's so helpful)
http://foremostpress.com/authors/articles/prologue.html




(If I was too harsh, let me know!)

Hey Ellie^^ Shina here for a review As promised.

I. Nitpicks

Closer, closer, closer.

Remember what I said about hooks, Ellie. It's the window to your story. It has to be hooking and give rise to more questions than it answers. It has to be unique and either tell the readers what action is going on, or illustrate a setting.

I am now in the final hour that I never imagined.

I think this would sound better as
"It's now the final hour...." And I'm not sure about the "I never imagined" Perhaps you mean "That I never saw coming" or "didn't think would come so soon." You need to be more clear on what you're trying to say.

The long and winding road dotted with fire and destruction, death, love and even things that I never imagined would happen to a simple girl like me, will have come to a stop.

You need to use less "ands". So, change the first half to"
"The long, winding road dotted with fire, destruction, death, love and..."

and even things that I never imagined would happen to a simple girl like me, will have come to a stop

You're repeating the I never imagined thing and you're also playing the simple girl card. It's really tell-y, and you need to be more vague in this preface, because that is what prefaces are. Vague.

I'd suggest breaking off the last part into its own sentence.

Ever since I have been in this cold iron cell, I cannot stop thinking about my meeting with death

Comma after "cold. Also, it sounds like the narrator has already met death, when in fact, she hasn't since she isn't dead yet.

It is harsh and cold, but it must come to us all.

You're lingering on this too much on the "it must come to us all" factor, and you repeat the "harsh cold" thing.

Also, what is "harsh" and cold anyway? Use some imagery and literary devices to paint an image and bring these words to third dimension.

Five years it has been since my long and difficult journey began.

By difficult, you mean? (tell-y here)

There were some things I wish I could un-turn and prevent this whole thing from ever happening to me. Sadly, out of the many things in our world, time travel is not one of them

Wait? She's alive or dead? I'm confused O_O

In my last hour, I must take the time to look back on the past five years of my life. Realize how I got here, so when the time of my execution comes, I shall be ready.

Um, why is looking back at her past so important?

II. Overall

I'm not so sure about this piece. It seems like you're forcing a style of writing upon yourself, like you're using a different voice. This doesn't sound like what you usually write, and it kind of upsets me. It's numb and vague, and I know I said that this is allowed, but you have to be skilled at this type of writing for your blood to bleed through the page. You have to be able to relate somehow before you can use vagueness and obscurity to your advantage.

The idea also confuses me because I was expecting your usual style to be here. You usually have some sort of twist and some positive in your writing, but this seems so... Like everything's dead. Far away. Like there's no hope. And it's important for writing to have some trace of hope, or else it would seem like there's no way the story could end well. Just a little sign of hope. Stories that make you cry attract readers, but readers don't want to read something that will leave them depressed.

I'm kind of getting the idea that you only wrote this because Rosey and I said that you didn't understand depressing concepts and the point of a numb tone. Ellie, when it comes to your writer voice, remember it is your writers voice, no one elses. Stick to what you do best and be confident with the kind of writer you are. You don't need to change to impress anyone or to please a crowd because your ideas, emotions, and story is best told through the image you have.

You're also being really tell-y here, which isn't necessarily bad in all cases, but in this case, it's just lacking illustration, setting, and emotion. I feel no emotion here, no senses. After reading this, I just felt... depressed. I'm really not sure what to say, but I think you should stick to the way you write.

At twelve years old, you're a pretty good writer, but I don't want you to write such depressing stories because you're still a kid. Have fun with writing ^^ Bring in joy, colors, and innocence that adults cannot bring to a story. You still see the world in color, so bring that perspective back to your readers. Don't stick them in the world they are so used to, introduce them to the lands of the forgotten and paint the memories that they have lost Use childhood to your advantage. Don't grow up fast. Take it slow because life is short and you don't stay young forever.

Good Luck, Write for Yourself, and most importantly, Have Fun

-Shina

Hey there ThornedRose!
I decided today, because I have never read or reviewed any of your works, that I might as well do so, and after all it is in my favourite writing section.
Well, shall we begin?

Well, because this is just a prologue, and a short one at that, I am not going to go through my whole long process of dissecting the story. First things first, I would like to congratulate you on a really interesting piece. This for a prologue is quite interesting after all, because in the end it revealing that they are going to tell you the actual story of that road filled with destruction and mayhem.

In my last hour, I must take the time to look back on the past five years of my life. Realize how I got here, so when the time of my execution comes, I shall be ready.

Now it is this ending here that slightly throws me off because it seems like to almost forced it, that you had it planned out this way, yet you didn't execute it well enough. It works, and there is no errors, yet you have to really think about the character and how to make it realistic. If it was your last hour, you would probably reflect on your life, yet you would tell yourself to do so, you would consciously force yourself to do it. I see what you were trying to go for, yet it slightly irks me how you did this.

And another question comes to mind, why would she need to reflect on her life to be ready for death? And if I was reflecting, I wouldn't reflect on just the last five years. Now you can make this seamless to give it the better effect, not tell the reader directly. Try to blend it in together, make her reflect on a couple things for example and transgress to describe that it was going to be her life that would be taken, and maybe a discovery she had made would be forgotten, or that she did not want her story to go to waste. I do not know what your story is exactly about, so really it is up to you anyways. Blend it in and try to not make it as blunt.

Now here is another thing:

Ever since I have been in this cold iron cell, I cannot stop thinking about my meeting with death. It is harsh and cold, but it must come to us all.

First things first with this is that it should actually be 'I could not' not 'I cannot'. Otherwise this was actually well put out because it is displaying her fears, and insights on the matter. It is obvious that she thinks death is going to be horrible, but that is not actually true. You have to remember that death being harsh and cold is not definite, and she should know that. Maybe give her a bit more of an optimistic side, but if that is actually against her characteristics, then make sure her pessimistic side is known and declared, made quite obvious and the only way you can do that is to make her over dramatic.

Which brings me to another thing. In such a short piece you need to make sure that you give enough characterization so that the reader will believe it more, and connect with the character, thought I am not quite sure how many can connect with being in a cell waiting for their death. Just make it believable and make sure her personality is known, maybe describe a bit of actions because everyone acts differently because all of their personalities are different.

This does not connect directly with your prologue, but you can add a bit more if you feel like it, but describe the setting, get into the feeling of the drab cell. But remember not to info dump. A lot of writers tend to do that.

Your writing is brilliant that is for sure, and surely something that I would like to read more of. I would just suggest adding more emotions to the piece, with the setting, and the characterization, maybe add some insights on her thoughts. But again, not to long because people get annoyed at a prologue that drags on and on and has to much information. You have a well formed prologue right her, you just have to take another step forward.

Good Job and I would love for you to private message me, when you post more of this story up. I am enthralled.
~Incognito