The Locust King - Chapter 1

*locked upon request*

This story seems very promising.

I think the best thing about his piece is the transition between the two people in the car, and when they reach their hotel room. I couldn't do it as well as you did, even if I tried. It was wonderful, and even though it should have been choppy and confusing, it wasn't!

I absolutely loved this. I think you have a certain tone that leads people through the story, waiting for a strange creature to jump out and spook someone.

Even though I loved it, there were a few things:

It was a small little thing, reminding the two of the kind of roadside motel that appeared in horror movies.

Jane sighed. “What did I do to deserve someone like you?”

I'm here as I said I would be!

Introduction

Specifically the first sentence, it didn't hook me. It was boring and just... blurgh. "The worn-down, dark red pick-up" is quite the mouthful! I'd at least leave out the color. "Worn down" gives it more character than red. Anyway, that's getting into nitpicks.

So we're basically sitting in traffic, which at this point, I'm not sure why bother. Maybe it's some sort of foreshadow or some such, but they could easily just be driving down the highway on cruise control. Basically, you hardly spent time talking about the traffic, so it seemed like an excuse to beef up the description. I didn't really care for that. I wouldn't mind reading about that worn truck though. It's easy to squeeze a sentence or two about why it's worn down, which would mention a bit more about Jack.

Also, it may be personal preference, but introducing a character with first and last name turns me off. xD I think it's because it gives the impression that this Jack is totally different from my BFF Jack because his last name is Locust, not Smith (run-on ftw?). Anyway, that's another nitpick.

Plot

At this point, I'm guessing the plot is hidden somewhere in the park because we kinda stopped at such a suspenseful place. But before introducing any sort of creepy plot, I want to know who Jack and Jane are first. At this point, they're just cardboard cut-outs, a couple that I should care for but I really don't. This would probably mean another chapter or two just to introduce the characters before actually executing any scary ghostly spooky plotlines.

Though we could make this work anyway if we led into just some foreshadowing. Although, that may mean not stopping the chapter at such a, dare I say, cliche moment. We mentioned spooky and creepy already, so the reader is already suspicious, and we stopped the story right before the spooky and creepy part (the park). This is fine! Readers can appreciate these hints no problem, but if we don't want to make such a suspenseful pause (a pause that's typically right before a big plot moment), we'd probably have to end this chapter a bit less threateningly (xD).

Nooot sure if that made sense. Basically it comes down to the fact that it's moving very quickly. That makes sense, right? xD

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I pretty much mentioned everything I wanted. The plot section kinda mentioned more than plot, so I really don't have anything else to add. You know where to find me with any questions or concerns!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there Elinor.

After reading this, I admit I actually struggled to find something to critique on. It's rather well written and flows rather nicely. However, I then found out that this was actually the start of a horror story.

I think you need to know how to use descriptions to greater effect. For example, I don't really see how a theme park adds to the suspense. It does well in showing that they are on a holiday together, but I don't really associate it with horror.

The hotel room's more like it, but simply saying that "it looked like out of a horror movie" doesn't really send chills up my spine. I mean, how exactly does the hotel look like it's out of a horror movie? Show it to us. Does it old worn? Is it in an isloated and dark area?

I highly suggest that you should see the movie "Psycho" to have a better idea of how to create suspense. For example, when the two main characters, Norman and Marion were talking in the dining room, there were several things that foreshadows Marion's eventual murder and his dark secret, such as the dead birds in the room (they represent his desperation and attempt to perserve the 'life' of his already dead mother), the way that Norman snaps that Marion when she suggests that her mother should be locked away into a mental insititue, how we seems a bit nervous when he speaks and how he says that deep inside, we are all crazy etc. We get none of that sort of foreshadowing here. To me, they seem like two regular couples enjoying a good time.

You might also want to consider slowing the pace of this story. Everything happens rather quickly so the reader doesn't have much time to absorb the writing. As a result, it will be less likely that they will find this suspensful.

But overall, this is pretty solid writing that I managed to finish reading with a degree of satisfaction. I hope this has helped.

Good luck.
Andy.

Hello, I don't have much time to make an in depth review, but I shall give you a basic review none the less.

“I love you too,” Jane said with a sigh. “What did I do to deserve someone like you? I’ve wanted to go to Aqua Rock since I was like, twelve.”

Soon they were able to make it out of the traffic jam. There wasn’t much farther to go, and the wonders of the large and beautiful park soon began to befall them. The Snake—the park’s center attraction—towered over the trees, of course. As rickety and as ugly as it was, people still seemed to adore it. There was the Aquatic Adventure—a waterslide and that had you plummeting down a fifty foot rock at an angle that of nearly reached 90 degrees. They couldn’t see the other wonders of the park, but they still knew that it would be grand.

“Yep,” said Jack, “It’s right on property, too, so we’ll just have to take a shuttle bus to get down there.”

“I want to go out for a little while tonight,” Jane said suddenly. “Maybe just for a little bit—I mean, we’ve been in the car practically all day.”

They drove for another five minutes before arriving on Aqua Rock property. Suddenly, the scene seemed to change. They were going down a hill, and the road was gravely, more narrow. There were all kinds of flowers going with trees dotting either side of the road. Once they came to the foot of the hill, the road opened up, with a street leading to their hotel.

Unfortunately, the blue commas that you are already providing with homes have to be sent to the pound and put down. They do not work there. Try reading it out loud, it sounds awkward having those pauses there, no?

It was a small little thing, reminding the two of the kind of roadside motel that appeared in horror movies. Jane seemed disappointed, almost skeptic to go in.

It was only six, so they had a bit of additional time before they wanted to leave. They ordered a pizza and watched a movie. Once it was time, they changed clothes into more comfortable attire. It was a warm night; Jack was dressed in bermuda shorts and a light blue polo, Jane in a purple tank top and khaki shorts.

Closing words:

What I liked:

Your story was enjoyable and it brought back old memories. I started out writing horror stories at around twelve while I was in Middle School. They once landed me in the counselors office because of their horrific nature.

What I did not like: Nothing about the content itself earned my hatred. But there were quite a few mechanical errors involving unnecessary commas. Reading out loud will help you catch those pesky awkward pauses. Now I just need to read my works out loud, but I never do. I hate hearing myself talk.

Happy writing.

-:smt059

*That angel is my signature*

Ooers, I sense a horror story coming on.

This is a decent start to the horror story. Quite a bit of exposition, but sometimes it borders on info dumps. You do keep the suspense at a good level, so it's forgivable.

To be honest, there's nothing really that would want me to keep going. Jack said some stuff about the park being creepy at night. You described the hotel as one made for a horror movie. All those little bits and pieces don't really give your reader a good suspense level.

Don't get me wrong, you paced it very well. There was enough description to make me picture it. But I wouldn't put this up by itself. Combine it with the second chapter and it'd be perfect.

GRADE: B+