The brisk night air swirled in the peaceful sky. The night was very frigid compared to a typical September evening in Boston. It was too cold for most typical Friday night activities, and most families were inside.
The streets were practically deserted.
Then, a teenager, wearing a jet-black sweatshirt with rose-pink lace, hurried along the sidewalk. Her hood was up, and the sharp air was biting at her face. She was carrying a bag of steaming hot food.
She never liked the cold – not necessarily a good dislike to have when she worked as a delivery girl for Dominos. She was actually thinking of quitting the job.
I’m almost there. Only two more blocks to go, she thought to herself. Then I can go home. The girl took a deep breath as her tan combat boots clanked against the sidewalk.
As she into the suburbia, she passed an area of tall, sand-colored shops. It was then she thought she heard a soft rustling in the leaves. The girl turned in fright, dropping the pizza box.
“Who’s there?” She called. But there was no answer. Then there was more rustling, this time louder.
“Who’s there?” She repeated. “Show yourself!” A ghastly face emerged. He had deep, crimson eyes and long white fangs. The girl turned to scream, but the figure brought its long, spidery hands forward, cupping her mouth. He began to bring her towards him as the girl tried to fight back. But before he she could do anything, the two sharp teeth had sunken into her neck.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Thorn's Rose ProloguePoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,071 Literary Works • 672,991 Reviews
Well... I was making a list in my head as I read about what you should change but... everyone else already pointed them out:) So, I'll be your cheerleader! Go C.N.!
I though this was a great start to your story. I mean it had a nice "hook" to it though you could have been a little more mystic or eerie for the prologue. Just a thought. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more.
One other thing before I leave... I thinks it's a good idea if you keep this story a "short" story and move onto something else. 99.9% of the population is writing about vampires and personally the blood suckers are starting to loose their touch; sorry.
~Dakota
Heya Thorned. Actawesome here to review your story. Overall first impressions: I really don't know what to think. I haven't read enough to judge. If it's the prologue then I can most likely expect those two characters not to appear later on, right? But the event must be important. Was the prologue's purpose to introduce the ghastly faced creature at the end? If so, then you accomplished your purpose. I'd just try elaborating on it; making it a bit more drawn out. Not too drawn out mind you, but things happened so fast that I couldn't process all of the information that quickly.
Anyway on to the meaty part of the critique:
Practically deserted means that the streets are not completely deserted. Wouldn't someone notice if/when the girl gets attacked? (as she does at the end of this prologue.)
I see your using the passive voice here. I'm not sure it works that well when writing a narrative, but it seems that writers are automatically attracted to using this. I'm guilty of it as well.
You might want to omit words like "as," and "passed" and use words that are present tense. It's kind of strange the next sentence is:
Anyhoo, in regards to this sentence you say that she hears a rustling noise in the leaves. But where are the leaves? Before describing the rustling noise you should give the reader a description of where the leaves are? Could they be from the bushes behind her? The trees up above her?
Well, there's an obvious grammar error here^^ (I think it was pointed out by one of the users above me) But if/when you rewrite this, I'd consider giving the main character a name. Names really help.
First two sentences are fine. Maybe try to omit the word "then" in the third sentence. Overall I like this little paragraph though.
A vampire, I see.
Anyway Thorned, I'm not gonna say I particularly liked the story. I didn't particularly hate it either (It definitely had potential). There just wasn't a lot to judge from this one quick scene.
-Adam
I want to like this. I really, really do. But I can't. Complete lack of character depth really ruined this for me, sorry.
So let's fix it!
Too many adjectives. Brisk, night air. Peaceful sky. Description is like butter -- quite pleasant when spread thinly on toast, though quite awful when eaten in globs. Try to spread out your description throughout the story.
Also! It's time for my opening line rant. This sentence just doesn't... grab me. It's so meh. Opening sentences need to be snappy and get the reader's attention. An editor may only read about two paragraphs before tossing your manuscript in the rejected pile.
Here are some of my favorite opening sentences:
"She died."
Quick, snappy, I wanna know what happens! So I read more.
And to steal an example CastlesInTheSky used to use...
''It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking Thirteen."
--George Orwell, 1984
It starts out normal, not unlike your own opening line, until bang! He hits you with the twist.
No matter how cold it is in a city, it will never be deserted. I've been to NYC and Boston in December. It was, like, 6 degrees, and people were still outside. ^_^
Something about this is worded pretty awkwardly.
Also, I didn't think delivery workers actually carry the food, I think they simply drive.
Do boots really clank? Clank is like... metal.
Ermm...
Whoa. She's easily frightened! Not only that, but where are these leaves? You aren't doing near enough to surround me in this girl's world. I have no idea where she is. Some deserted sidewalk with random leaves? I assume you mean Mr. Vampy is in a bush, but you need to tell us that!
After dialogue, the "she" should not be capitalised/ Also, in this day and age, no one says "Show yourself!" xD Just say like "Who is there?"
So that was your basic cliche version of a vampire attack. Ghastly face, spooky! Fangs! And then he's biting her...
Try to make this original. Or make the vampire attack more interesting. Have you read Anne Rice or Bram Stoker? They have amazing vampire novels. The way the describe attacks is superb. One reason for this is because I actually care about these author's characters. But yours... not so much.
Right now, she's just a Cliche Victim Girl (who has no name) and he's a Cliche Pretty Vampire. Sorry to be harsh, but its the truth.
I love vampire novels. I'm assuming you do to, so please don't make this a normal vampire fanfic kinda thing Make it original and have fun!
Good luck,
Antigone
Since sooo many little details Have been covered allready I'd like to give the main character a psycho analysis just judging from her actions and thoughts....
Is it realtively cold in Boston? If so, would she be used to it from living there all her? Usually when people have grown up in a certain environment from infancy to the now they find it as a kind of homie feeling....at least I've found that with some of my friends and myself.... Or does she find discomfort in the cold because of living in a completely different climate for the early portions of her life, suggesting that she has not always lived in Boston. hmmmmmm...........
......How long has she worked at Dominos? Is she easily discouragable?
So far these are completely unecessary details and I'm glad you didn't give them because you wouldn't want to overwhelm the reader with too much background knowledge..... Which I'm sure you allready probably know....yay. HOWEVER. If she had been working at Dominos for an irregularly short
time it may have been a good idea to add a little flare to her dislike
of the job.
Now, is the girl regularly jumpy? For a soft rustling in the leaves she over reacted a bit. She might could have turned calmly, seen the bloody fangs, and then dropped the BAG in fright. She could have dropped the bag just out of clumsiness though. Is she clumsy?
Well, this was very much fun.
Forgive me. I've never been so harsh with anyone or done psycho analysis on somebody's character (you might could tell)
You used fewer words some people would have had to .and. Still painted the scene beautifully.
Hi! I'm Searria! Nice to meet you.
I like your voice in this piece.
Okie-Day. This was very grabbing. I already like your MC.
My friends used to tell me that my chapters were too short, but I told them: "Hey! I once read a chapter that was two words long!" So, I think this is a nice length for a prologue, but you might want to "fill it out" a bit, so to speak.
You tell us that it's a cold night several times, and it gets slightly repetitive, but that's an easy fix. I like the first sentence. I would personally leave that alone. I would rearrange the second sentence though, so you don't have the word "night" right at the beginning. For example: "This September evening in Boston was comparatively frigid, preventing most typical Friday night activities." This would also take care of the extra "typical" that bludragon mentioned.
Although I like the choppiness of the second sentence, I think it sort of goes with the other clause. I would seperate the family one from it's sentence and stick it with the second sentence. You can do that however you want, though. Be creative! Experiment!
I would also get rid of then, because it makes it seem like it's no longer cold and a teenager then hurries along the sidewalk.
(side note: I am terribly sorry for any typos that may occur beyond this point. My computer won't let me see what I'm typing)
Is any dislike good to have?
I usually think as metal "clanking" perhaps "clonking" would be a more appropriate onomatopoeia.
AS she what into the surburbia?
Umm...just a few sentences ago, she was carrying a bag of food.
I heart htis description.
In the very end, I would like you to show us more of the girl's fear, not tell us. This may sound wierd, but try not to use the word "fear" hen describing fear. How does she react? Do she tremble? Do she back away? How does she handle suspense?
Try not to start your sentences with the subject. start with an adverb, or a prepositional phrase. This will give your sentence structures more variety and make it more interesting . Your story is great so far. YOur adjectives are really vivid, but I would like more descriptions. Not with adjectives, but try to sitck in a few more similies. Those are always fun.
Great work so far! Let me nknow when you've posted more. I hope I've helped!
Oh, gosh. Sorry, didn't mean to post twice. My internet's been acting up lately.
Hey!
I really liked this! There's just a few things I'd like to point out.
You used the word "typical" two times in three sentences. Different word choice, please.
Personally, I would delete the "then"; it would be easier to say, and wouldn't seem as awkward with the commas.
Usually, when some one's thinking, their thoughts are italicized. Maybe you should do that?
I don't think the "he" is supposed to be there.
Otherwise, good job! You had a great visual.
Keep up the good work!
zOe