AN: This song is a key element of my novel, All Our Yesterdays, and supposed to have been written by Cole Hargrove, my male lead. I did NaPo in his voice last year, and here's a short bio of him from my official website, and a link to his Pinterest page. This context is important because I'm not writing as myself, I'm writing within the voice of someone who's not like me. I also have no musical brain, so I don't have a sense of how to make this a song or even if it could be one.
Cole Hargrove is Marcy's love interest. We first meet him as a twenty-year-old aspiring singer-songwriter from a working-class Queens family. As he secures what gigs he can and dreams of something more, he and Marcy cross paths, and there's an instant spark. As he'll soon learn, the universe has greater plans in store for him and his music.
So, all this in mind, please give me any and all critiques.
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Once upon a time
The world was all in black, white and gray
Until I met her on a summer day.
Her, so beautiful, the picture of perfection
Her pink dress shining in the sun
A princess from a world gone by
A storybook dream
Painting everything pink.Painting everything pink.
They said rose-tinted glasses were always bad
But I don't agree
Pink is the color of love
of cotton candy and her kiss
everything that makes life sweet.
Never again black, white and gray
Life in pink is how it will always stay
Life in pink every day.
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Hey, good poem. I like the way it rhymes; the words fit quite well together
This poem has great potential and I think it'll become a great poetic piece after putting more thought into it. I'm not saying that you haven't thought about it; don't take it as an offence. I'm trying to say, you could put some more feelings into this poem.
The poem centres around just one small thought. Maybe you could describe her more, or add more colours in the poem.
All the best.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the review?
Top Graham Cracker - This is a song that Cole made about Marcy, showing how he feels about her and his deep love for her.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I’m not by any means a professional musician/singer, but I think that maybe the word “white” should have a comma after it. You don’t have to listen to this, though.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Cole used pink imagery! It’s important for the song, I know, but it just gives me sweet, sugary feelings and makes me think of the 2023 Barbie movie. I like it! :>
Closing Graham Cracker - A short yet cute song about Marcy. It shows how much Cole loves her and how he sees that she’s a beautiful person in his life. I’ve enjoyed reading this.
I wish you a fantastic day/night!