Cinderella
Cinderella
From Cinderella (1950)
Cinderella
You’re as lovely as your name
Cinderella, you’re a sunset in a frame
Though your dressed in rags you wear an air of queenly grace
Anyone can see a throne would be your proper place
Cinderella
If you give your heart a chance
It will lead you to the kingdom of romance
There you’ll see your dreams unfold
Cinderella, Cinderella
In the sweetest story ever told.
“CINDERELLA! YOU HAVE WORK TO DO!”
The harsh, razor sharp voice of Lilly Tremaine shred through the hotel lobby, a room of glass walls, white carpet, future-esque furniture. On the other side of the room, a girl with caramel colored hair and a statuesque frame was leaning against a section of the wall that needed to be wiped down. She and was humming a soft tune, her mind not the work that she was responsible for as janitor of the Kingdom Court Hotel.
Instead, what Cinderella saw was a vast dreamland of soft clouds. The sky was a dark, vivid blue, and the sky was filled with thousands of shining, diamond-like stars. Cinderella was alone, but she was waiting for someone. Her true love, the one boyfriend of her dreams. She looked different too; her teal janitor uniform exchanged for a stunning ball gown. And she stood there, waiting for the man she knew would come.
“CINDERELLA!”
Cinderella jolted awake, sighing sadly as she realized where she was. It was only a dream. But a wonderful one at that she thought, taking her rag and dipping it in the cleaner.
However, Lilly did not look satisfied. She stared at Cinderella, waiting for an apology.
“I’m sorry, Stepmother,” replied Cinderella, not looking up. If there was one thing that Cinderella hated more than her actual job, it was the fact that her boss was her stepmother. Cinderella’s real parents had been dead for a long time.
Cinderella sighed, knowing that she’d have to make use of the time she had. It was six in the morning; hotel employees would bring out stuff like doughnuts and cereal for the hotel guests. Cinderella would be forced to serve breakfast to Anna and Diane, whom Cinderella disliked as much as Lilly. Cinderella knew that her waking up Anna and Diane was practically an Olympic sport; the two were both incredibly lazy.
Cinderella continued cleaning the wall, humming Sing Sweet Nightingale, a song she had heard on the radio the other day.
•
At seven-fifteen, Anna, Diane, and their mother came through the revolving hotel doors. Cinderella was still working furiously. She saw that Anna and Diane both overdone it on the makeup again; they looked like clowns. Cinderella tried not to laugh as she waved, set down her mop and sat at the chairs in the breakfast area.
“Good morning,” she bid the two. “Did you sleep well?” She added, noticing the two yawning.
“As if you care,” retorted Anna. “Get us some breakfast. I want extra doughnuts.”
“Alright than. What would you like, Diane?”
“Some Lucky Charms, please,” she replied.
“And you, Stepmother?”
“Just some coffee, thank you.”
Cinderella nodded, making a mental note of that in her head as she went over to the area where breakfast was laid out. It was a quiet morning, and there was no one else there.
As she was gathering the plates, a fat, chestnut-colored mouse crawled up Anna’s plate, beginning to eat away at the doughnut, although Cinderella didn’t know this. In fact, Cinderella actually knew the mouse; he was one of her many pets. As clean as The Kingdom Court Hotel was made out to be, all buildings attracted their fair share of pests. Cinderella, feeling sorry for them, had kept them and named them. This specific mouse was named Gus.
Cinderella grabbed a piece of toast for herself and gave the three their breakfasts. However, it wasn’t long before she heard Anna’s shrill scream.
“There’s a mouse! Eating my doughnut!”
Cinderella’s mouth dropped open. Diane and Lilly looked, where they saw the mouse in the doughnut hole, quivering and scared.
“You put this mouse in here!” Anna screeched.
“No,” replied Cinderella calmly.
“Girls,” Lilly said, sighing. “Let me talk to Cinderella privately.”
Anna and Diane nodded, moving to place where they couldn’t be seen, even though they still tried to listen.
“To much time on your hands . . .” began Lilly.
“Listen, I didn’t know that it-”
“Shut up, Cinderella. We’re going home after this, as usual. But instead of you just going off on your computer or whatever you do, I have a few chores that I need you to complete.”
Cinderella’s mouth fell open. “Alright, Stepmother . . .” She said quietly.
•
The Tremaines lived in a large home on the outskirts of town. It had belonged to Cinderella’s father when he was alive, but since Lilly was his wife and Cinderella was underage at the time, the ownership of the estate had passed to Lilly when he died.
The fortune had slowly been eaten away by Cinderella’s stepsisters, while Cinderella hardly got any money at all.
Her room was small, consisting of a dresser, chair, TV and bed. Cinderella had gotten out of her janitor uniform and changed into an orange t-shirt and gray sweatpants. She had a little bit of time before she would have to begin any chores - when they had gotten home, Lilly, Diane and Anna had all gone back to bed - so she turned on TV, flipping through the channels.
There was nothing on, so she stopped at the news channel. The screen showed a picture of a handsome young man with deep brown eyes and clean-cut hair as black as the void. Under that, there was a caption that read: MAYOR’S SON TO HOST PARTY. Cinderella sat up in her chair, interested.
“All single young women of the town are encouraged to attend for a chance to meet the Mayor’s son, and a chance to become his girlfriend. Please tell everyone you know.”
Cinderella’s eyes widened in delight. It was too good to be true. She’d have to go, it was the perfect opportunity to have her dreams come true.
·
“You?” Anna was laughing hysterically along with Diane. “You’re a janitor! The mayor’s son does not a janitor for a girlfriend!” It was in the afternoon, as Diane and Anna had just returned home from flute lessons. They were all gathered in the living room.
“I see no reason why you cannot go,” Interjected Lilly. “If you finish your chores, and can find a good dress to wear.”
“I will,” Cinderella promised. With that, she darted up to her room to look at some magazines. She found one of a designer store and began to skim through it. The dresses were okay, but then she found one that she absolutely loved: it was a floor-length, pink halter, and the neck was adorned with white lace. Cinderella saw a big stamp in the corner of the page that said ULTIMATE SWEEPSTAKES. BE ONE OF THE FIRST 10,000 TO CALL IN!YOU’LL GET IT FREE! Cinderella smiled. It was too good to be true. As she was reaching for her phone, however, she heard a familiar voice . . .
“CINDERELLA!”
Cinderella groaned, slamming her foot against the ground. It turned out that Cinderella had more and more chores to do. I’ll never get to order my dress.
Meanwhile, back in Cinderella’s room, the mice were in their cage. Jacques, one of Cinderella’s first mice, was looking at the magazine page (still open) and the phone right next to it. “She’ll never have the time to get her dress ordered,” he said sadly.
“Why don’t we order it for her?” suggested another mouse.
“Great idea!” Said Jacques, crawling out of his cage. On the phone, the manager of the store had no idea he was a mouse. The other mice were smiling happy.
“Cinderelly will love it,” said Gus. All of the other mice agreed, as they couldn’t wait to see the look on Cinderella’s face when she saw her beautiful new dress.
End of chapter
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey Hey Starleene here! OK lets get going:
Just a spelling error
I don't think you finished your thought right here. She...was what?
Hm just missing on in this sentence.
I think that you should try not using her name in every sentence...It doesn't seem, right? I don't know.
I don't think that you should put the please in there, it really doesn't build up on the whole evil stepsister vibe, it really contradicts her character.
Same here with the stepmother.
Hm I don't think that the news caster could actually state this. Maybe go along the lines of: " All single woman are welcome to join the mayor and his son (name), for night of enjoyment (state place), and one lucky woman may have to chance at this studs hand."
Kinda lame, but that's all I could think of, but I really don't think they would say "a chance to become his girlfriend."
OK the Cinderella story has been written and rewritten time and again. Give us something fresh, something new, otherwise I really think this belongs in Fanfiction. Also the mice? Really going Disney on us huh? Try doing something original. Search your mind, I'm positive you could think of something creative to put out there
Hey Ellie...
So I don't think this is finished? But all the same, I thought it should deserve a review, since it was written with the contest in mind...
I. NITPICKS
and?
methinks you are missing an "on" here...
had both, perhaps?
That should be a small "s"...
does not what?
That should be a small i.
That should be a small "s"...
Alright...
II. TALKING ANIMALS
I have nothing wrong with the idea of talking animals. The thing is, usually, it's only the heroine who can understand them. In original fairytales, this was done to show their purity and goodness that even the animals- and sometimes, like in the case of The Goose Girl, the elements- could understand and obey them. And I have nothing wrong with that. Here however, you seem to take it for granted that they can talk. Think about it, we, the reader, are going "Wow! That mouse talks!" and you're just stating it like it's the most normal thing in the world. Take our feelings into account for a moment, spend a little time telling us that they can talk...
III. OVERALL
This felt extremely Disney-fied, which again, I have nothing wrong with, but I would have liked to see you break away a little. The characters themselves fell a bit flat, sometimes the funniest and most human people are the ugly stepsisters, you could have looked a little further into them. Cinderella herself didn't seem to have much of a personality, but then, Cinderella never generally does- again, you could have taken that chance to break away and make the story your own...
Overall though, your writing is pretty nice
Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hiya!
Firstly, I'd like to say look through this and check all the dialogue punctuation. I've spotted a few errors in tags. I also dislike how you used caps to emphasize words and phrases. Replace them with italics. That's the way words are emphasized in fiction.
This work didn't really have any real feel to it. It feels like you've just changed the setting and time-period in this retelling. In my opinion, retellings add in something more than just a new setting. They give life to an old myth, expand on details that were missing in the original fairy-tale and maybe throw in a twist we weren't expecting. The fact that you used the Disney version is probably hurting you more than it's helping; people know that movie well and will be able to spot the minor changes very, very easily. And since the Disney films don't have the most concrete of characters, it's a really good idea to put some thought into what you are doing with this retelling.
PM me with questions.
~Rosey
Hi, Elinor Brynn. Just dropped in to give you a quick review.
First off, I don't really agree with Miss Ching on the part about your introduction. Honestly, I didn't like it. See, you have to be careful writing a story about Cinderella. It's been done and twisted and written over so many times that there are very few things we haven't seen. So in order for your piece to be truly original, I think you need to veer off the track you're currently heading down. IT's got all the Cinderella elements of plot that have been use so many times: The cleaning, the stepmother, the stepsisters, the "ball". And the mouse. I saw a huge red flag when you wrote the mouse bit. Disney flashbacks, anyone? Oh, and then there's Gus an the gang. Definitly Disney. If you're going to use the same names as the movie, then I almost think this should be moved to Fanfiction...
I don't mean to be harsh. I did enjoy the small details you had here and there, like the cereal one of the sisters was eating, what Cinderella saw when she was cleaning instead o the reality. Nice. You do need more description, I think. I might have mentioned this in one of my previous reviews on one of your pieces: Use the five senses. That always helps me when I'm struggling with setting or rich detail. What would I be seeing in that room? Smelling? What would I be hearing? Is there a bitter taste in the air? And when my hand brushes the rich velvet couch, what does it feel like to my fingertips?
Just some little punctuation errors, as well. This: “Alright, Stepmother . . .” She said quietly. should look like this: “All right, Stepmother," she said quietly. The ellipsis wasn't working for me, for some reason. Oh, and alright is technically all right. Just thought I should point that out for future refereces
And finally, the pace. I felt like it was moving too fast. You've put what took about a half hour in the movie to start in just a few paragraphs. I'd like to see you expand and develop what you've already introduced instead of diving into the plot. Don't get mewrong - it's a good thing you didn't waste time - but I want to see more, know more. So slow it down, only just a little. Does that make sense? It does in my mind, but then again, people never really understand what's going on in my mind...
Anyway, I think that's about all I have. I did like this, Elinor, and I would like to see more! Keep writing, and good luck with your editing.
Your friend,
KJ
Hi Elinor!
I've got a few nitpicks:
[1]
This was just a typo I think.
[2]
I'm not sure how the sky can really be dark but vivid. The two adjectives sort of contradict themselves. How about using "stunning" or "elegant" instead of vivid?
[3]
Haha, I don't think many people clean walls. It said before that she was using a wet rag. Wet rag + dry wall = soggy wall.
[4]
[5]
Anna, Diane, and Lilly.
[6]
Typo
[7]
[8]
Typo
[9]
I think if you put italics here, it'll become more clear that it's Cinderella's thought.
[10]
Starting with "on the phone" should be a new sentence.
[Introduction]
I loved your introduction! It was the perfect thing to hook a reader. Usually when I read a work on YWS, I sort of get too lazy to read past the first sentence. The thing with your introduction, though, is that it was so simple (and familiar!), that I could keep reading it without getting lazy and abandoning your story. It got me interested and I kept reading till the end. I also thought it was so creative of you to use that as the intro to your story. It's so sweet too. Aww.
[Problems]
I think a problem I found was that Cinderella usually gets a lot of unfairness, orders, etc, and you showed that... sometimes. I found it inconsistent with the actual Cinderella fairy tale. Of course you didn't have to stick to the actual story though, but you showed that her Stepmother always yelled "CINDERELLA!" and was sometimes rude ("Shut up, Cinderella"). But then at other times, her Stepmother would say things like "thank you" and "I don't see why Cinderella can't go". I think, to make her seem more malicious, you could add something like "interjected Lilly with an over sweet smile" or "interjected Lilly sinisterly". Another thing I found weird was that when Cinderella found out that she needed to do chores, she was surprised. Now, maybe this Cinderella is slightly different, but I would've thought that Cinderella would've been used to that kind of treatment. But that's just me
[Overall]
I did like your story. I thought it was a fun and creative idea. I loved how you had characters like Gus and Jacques! And I loved espcially the "Cinderelly"!! So many parts of your story relate back to the Disney movie and it makes your story really fun to read. Everybody remembers how the Disney Cinderella was so everybody can make the connections needed for a good reading. Things like "Sing Sweet Nightingale", the mayor's son, the mice, and the mice taking care of the dress were terrific.
But anyway, great story!
I enjoyed it and I wish you luck in the contest!
-- Miss Ching