Hi! Cricket here for another review as promised/threatened! XD
Couldn't help it darling... had to read some more!
Alright, before I start on nitpicks and the like, I do have one thing that I think I should talk about with you first.
PARAGRAPHING.
Well, I'm going to pull out a paragraph and show you what needs to be done to it.
I slump back on to my bed forcing my self to accept what I just heard. A sudden bang! NEW IDEA BEGINSThe door bursts open and in comes my mother. I see a blur of blonde hair, then a glimps of a blue shirt. She stands over me as I lie facing the white light. Blinding me once again but on purpose so I can't look my wrinkled mother in the eye. IDEA ENDS, AND NEW ONE BEGINSBut I know she looms above my head saying words I can 't understand as her voice is blurred with tears. I feel something wet drop on my forehead, then again on my arm. Tears. Not my own but familiar, they belong to my mother. IDEA ENDS AND NEW ONE BEGINSShe forces me to sit up in bed and to take a sip of water- I drain the cup, still thirsty for more. I can see her face properly now, her tired eyes distinctive by the bags that hang dreadfully under her eyes and her blotched face, not a sign of makeup in sight on her worn down face. IDEA ENDS AND NEW ONE BEGINSUnnoticably I have aged 10 months but even more unnoticalbly so has she, she looks like she has aged about 10 years. I can just about make out my reflection in her glitering eyes I know she is 38 now and I am 17 no longer 16 but we both look as though we have aged 10 years at least! IEA ENDS AND NEW ONE BEGINSI wrap my arms around her neck and her hugs me back.
OK, the problem we have here, is the combination of too many ideas into one. Paragraphs are one idea. ONLY ONE. Not ten, and not twenty. So I put in bold where an idea began and ended. Where it ends, a new one begins. OK?
Alright, so you see that there's a main focus for each part that I separated, right? Now a paragraph is typically three to five sentences, depending on the length of an idea. With a novel chapter, they usually stay that length. USUALLY. Now like I said before, it depends on the length of the idea.
Say you want to describe someone. Well describing that someone is one solid idea. ONLY ONE IDEA. BUT, if you want to go through some actions of two people, then that would be two separate ideas and you'll need to separate them.
Next thing I wanted to talk about is proper grammar. Now I know I gave you a long spill on it, and you're probably a little tired of it by now, but figured I'd better do it anyway.
OK, when a reader goes through, and reads something, their brain is looking for errors. Just the way the human mind works, really. If one word is mis-spelled is basically guaranteed that they'll see it (almost). If you have a funny way of saying something, or poor sentence structure, then, although they may not instantly grab onto what it is wrong with the sentence, but they will think something is wrong, and their eyes will sorta stumble over it. They basically won't get the point as effectively as you want.
So like cleverclogs demonstrated before hand, try to keep your quotation marks directly next to the speech, in all circumstances. Also, always have a comma before going into a dialogue tag (she replied, she asked, ect..). Capitalization for the beginning of a sentence, IS ESSENTIAL. Don't ever forget that, hon. XD
Now the next thing, I thought I'd talk about is your way of doing dialogue all at once in the beginning, and then three to four paragraphs of description in the end. Usually I wouldn't really talk about it, as it's usually a question of style and not error, but here I figured I'd comment on it anyway.
To really keep a reader fully engaged, you will need to keep dialogue and description balanced to a certain level. I mean, its totes alright to have a paragraph of some sort of description (as long as you don't do four paragraphs in a row of that), and then do a little bit of dialogue and so forth. But my main point is, you should typically have dialogue intermixed with your description, in order to create a even balance for your reader. That way they can focus on the setting and the characters, at the same time! Not only will you keep your readers attention for the entire chapter (or book, ect..) you will also create a balanced perspective for your reader!
2 teachers and 6 students ended up in full body casts for about 6 months or thats what they told me.
I'd suggest instead of putting "2" I'd just write in "two" instead. Same for the other numbers. XD
I am in a hospital, a bloody hospital
If it's bloody, then you'll have to describe that. HOW exactly is it bloody? Blood on the floor? Where? XD
OK, and that's it from me! Certainly hope this helped and let me know if you have any questions!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
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