As soon as we were in class I loosened my tie, I put my earphones in and opened the new novel I'm reading. It was only philosophy of course no one makes a career out of philosophy. Mr Jenkins, the only philosophy teacher in the school, strolled in looking at some papers which he soon set down on his desk and then turned to the class. I didn't hear what he was saying because Five Seconds Of Summer were screaming down my ear on full blast. He didn't glance my way for a bit though. I forgot what my book was called but it was so good that I forgot that I was in a lesson. Eddie was sitting next to me and started tapping my shoulder. "Fay" He gestured for me to remove me earphones which I did. "Mr Jenkins he's erm..." I glanced at him and he was starring me down.
"Well, well, looks like I forgot I had Somers in this class. Should I just send you to the principle's office in advance every lesson?" Honestly I should have yes because now I would have to remove my earphones, put down my book and strangle myself with my tie once again. However Philosophy is the only class left in which no one does any work and it's the only class in which I don't completely want to kill the teacher. I should have come up with some witty reply but I decided that I want to start off the school year with less... me.
"Sorry sir... I really am" I said as politely as I could which I received a few widened eyes for. Mr Jenkins looked taken aback as if he wanted to send me to Miss Ford's office and not have to deal with me and now he had no reason to.
"Well... don't let me catch you doing that again" He said plainly. I nodded and tried to listen to whatever he was saying.
After the bell went Eddie and Ella came up to me. "Woah, what's going on with you and Mr Jenkins, Somers?" Eddie asked.
"You know he's at least six hundred, way too old for you" Ella said putting an arm around my shoulder.
"Shut up Ell, I just don't want to be the same snarky, sarcastic little Upir I was last year." I confessed.
"Ha well that ain't gonna last long" I shoved him again.
"Hey Ell what we got next?" I asked completely forgetting my timetable.
"Another change, we get self defence lessons" Great the one thing I suck at: physical activity. I'm not like really lazy and fat and have zero muscle, I just hate running and sports and things like that.
"Ugh" I groaned. When we were all on the field, Mrs Fraser the PE teacher announced our new teacher.
"Alight everyone you have a new teacher for self defence and offence lessons because I am teaching the younger ones now." Mrs Fraser was alright, even though I hated her subject, her teaching methods weren't half bad. She kind of liked me too. "Meet Mr Carter" A tall man came out from behind the bleachers, honestly I thought the whole announcing him was pretty cheesy probably Mrs Fraser's Idea since she liked that sort of thing.
He was probably about 6,5, he had long dark hair that was pulled neatly back into a ponytail. He was well built with little fat and plenty of muscle. He had high cheekbones and a broad jaw line. The best part was he looked like he had just left the school himself. "Thank you Madalyn" He nodded to her. "Alight so you'll all have me for this lesson now and since some of you are failing you will be doing extra private lessons with me" Of course we would because life couldn't get any better.
End of chapter
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140,690 Literary Works • 673,595 Reviews
Hey Epic
I haven’t read any of the other chapters of your story, so this review will focus on grammatical aspects, etc.
Now, the other reviewer mentioned removing the second ‘I’ so as to improve flow, and I quite agree. Also, you should be careful about what tense you are writing in. The majority of the sentence (and story, I’m assuming) is in past tense, and thus the last part should read: “[…] the new novel I was reading.”
Odd choice of wording there. Perhaps “was blasting in my ears” might flow a little better?
Staring.
One main problem I see here is your quotation marks. You need to use a comma or period before the ending quotation mark, depending on if there’s a speech-verb-thingie that follows. Rather than explaining here, because I know I’d be awful at it, I suggest you go look up a website to recap the rules!
Your overall description is pretty good. That being said, I encourage you to add a little more! The story seems to go by so quickly, without much expansion on scenes. If you add even a little bit more detail, it will help immerse the reader.
Another suggestion would be to go through your story again with the intent on adding punctuation to enhance flow and natural pauses. For examples, you could add commas in these places:
Also, be weary of the comma splice! (It means using commas to join together two complete clauses.)
After 6’5, you should use a semi-colon or a conjunction to join them, or a period to separate the clauses.
Overall though, I like your story. Keep up the great writing!
Hi, EPICnumber1! Wow, this story just keeps on surprising me! I think I'm going to like this Mr. Carter guy. You've continued to devolp your characters really well, and I can connect to them.
This is up to you, but I feel like the sentence may flow a bit better without the "I" I put in bold. The sentence is fine either way though, I think... Hmm...
I'd add a period or comma after "course".
I think you meant "my"
Overall, I loved this chapter and I can't wait to read the next chapter!