Nothing could have prepared me for that day. Sweat crept down my arms and sat in the groves of my hand as I anxiously gripped the microphone. A shiver ran down my spine as I stood there shaking, hundreds of eyes on me. My patient audience sat in an eerie suspense, holding onto my every breath. Finally, as the suspense became unbearable I sang. My voice was raspy and hoarse at first but I eventually got into my rhythm and sang the words in my usual silvery tone. I seemed to fall into the song, feeling every beat and swaying to the rhythm that I didn't realise that I had stopped singing until the audience erupted into a chorus of applause. I quickly bowed and exited the stage.
That was the last normal moment in my life.
All I remember is slinging my bag over my back and exiting the auditorium, walking home, alone. That was my biggest mistake. I didn't have anybody to tell me that what I was about to do next was a bad idea, an idea that I would live to regret, an idea that would ruin my life. I was halfway down the street when I heard someone call my name, "Molly?" the distant voice called. I could tell it was a feminine voice by the the high shrill of it. She called me as if she knew me, like an old friend. I turned, a woman of about 30 stuck her small head out of a black BMW. "Oh it is you!" She croaked, almost as if she started crying.
"I'm sorry do I know you?" I called back. I gripped tighter to my bag, my hand flew to my pocket and quickly grabbed my phone, ready to call my mom. I had never seen this woman before in my life. I know now that I should have trusted my instincts, I should have called my mom, or the police.
"No... well, you used to." She replied. "I'm an old friend of your mother's and I haven't seen you since you were very little" I knew my mother had lots of friends, I couldn't keep up with all of them. "She sent me to pick you up from the concert because she isn't feeling good right now,"
"I usually walk back," I said. She flicked a golden lock of hair from her face and sat back into the car.
"Yeah, I offered to give you a lift," She explained. I thought nothing of it and flung my bag into the back of the car and pulled myself in.
"Oh okay.. well thanks." I said.
The first thing I noticed about the inside of the car wasn't the screen separating the driver from the passengers like in taxis, it wasn't even the blacked out windows or the instant lock on the doors. It was the smell. It reeked of perfume, the kind my mom wears when she goes out to nice places. The kind she often wore to my concerts when she could get time off of work to come and see them. The interior of the car was a striking pink with decorative purple seats and a blue fury steering wheel to compliment her different choice of aesthetic. "So what did you say your name was?" I asked through the closed screen.
She didn't open it when she answered "Lorie, Lorie Wood. You probably wouldn't remember me." I set my bag onto the floor and she pulled the car away from the curb and started speeding down the road. "But I remember you, Molly Reed..." That's when the pleasant smell of my mother's perfume was replaced by another familiar sharp odour of burning tar. "Don't mind the smell it's just the air con..." Her words trailed off as everything went from blury to black in three very short seconds.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello! Very excited to read this and review it for you
Right away, your first paragraph grabs my attention, so good job with that!
*I knew now
because you are speaking in the past tense, make sure you keep that consistent.
I love this paragraph, I think you did a really great job of explaining the thoughts going on in her head without making it boring and an information dump, which is awesome.
After finishing reading, I'm left wanting to know more, but feeling a bit rushed. When writing a novel, you want to feel like you are in the narrator's shoes. So really go for explaining either all or nearly all of the five senses as things move along. Explain more about the way she thinks and the smallest of details in the characters around her. Also, how does she lose her phone? I know you mentioned that somewhere in there but you don't explain how that happens, does it happen in the next chapter?
I just feel like this chapter is really short, and I feel like everything is happening way to fast. I understand the narrator is looking back on a memory, but if she was trying to explain this to someone who has no clue about anything happening, like the police, she would need to give every single detail. So go back through this and really think about details you could add to drag this out. Maybe introduce some of Molly's friends after the performance, or give some context before the concert. Maybe have her reject to someone offering to walk home with her so she won't go alone, to really show the weight that our decisions have on us.
Please link me in upcoming chapters! I'm intrigued to see where you take this
- Delonie
dun dun DUN!
amazing beginning of a promising novel/ series! I wish you could have made the chapter a little longer, made some characters that Molly would potentially miss. Maybe you could open up chapter 2 with a flashback of a tender moment between Molly and her mother/ friends/ siblings. perhaps a birthday party. Also, where is her father? is he behind this mysterious kidnapping? *gasps*
just some thoughts, very good plot, just elaborate more on Molly. All i know about her right now is she can sing very well.
Hey EPICnumber1,
Shady here with a review for you ~
One of the first things I noticed is that your paragraphs are a little long. That especially held true when you first had the dialogue.
I've found it's easiest for readers to process dialogue if you devote an entire paragraph to it, instead of popping it in the middle of a paragraph.
Good examples:
"Oh hi," she said, brushing her hair out of her face.
The girl turned towards the car. "Oh, hi."
"Oh hi," she said as she turned towards the car. She bent down to look at the driver. "How are you?"
Not-Good Example:
She brushed her hair out of her face. "Oh hi," she said as she bent down to look at the driver.
Not that those are examples from your novel, but dialogue at the start, at the end, or both is significantly better than having it in the middle. It allows readers a chance to focus. I mean even having more than a few words connected to the dialogue is still fine, but don't sandwich your dialogue in a bunch of description. Your readers will get lost.
A minor issue, but I see you having trouble with dialogue tags ("she said", "she explained", "she called", etc.) other places as well. When you're writing dialogue, you end whatever the person said with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation), and then start the tag with a lower case letter (even if it's a question or exclamation).
"You used to," she replied.
"You used to!" she replied.
"You used to?" she replied.
In all of them the dialogue tag starts lower case. The only exception is if you have action immediately after (rather than a dialogue tag), or if you use a proper name. Examples:
"You used to," Molly replied.
"You used to." She turned on her heel and stalked off.
If you use an action rather than a tag, as in my last example, you end the dialogue with a period and then your action with a capital letter.
~
Okay! Overall, I think this was a good start. It's interesting and definitely has some intrigue, wondering who Lorie Wood is and what in the world is about to happen to Molly. Clearly you have an interesting story about to begin.
Some overall suggestions I have is to expand this a bit. When I put through this chapter through a word counter it came out at 645 words, which is really short for a chapter unless you're aiming for a pretty young audience. Personally, I aim for a young adult audience and tend to aim for 1,900 words per chapter, for a comparison. Obviously my work isn't a golden standard, but this is a very short chapter by most standards.
Good news is that since it is so short, you can add a lot more description to it without having to break it up into multiple chapters. I would slow it down a bit, give a bit more explanation as to why someone who has so many fans would be walking home in the first place. Also not necessarily saying it outright, but giving a hint as to her age? I'm getting kind of high-schooler-y vibes, but I'm really not sure. It could be younger, since they were foolish enough to get into a stranger's car.
At the same time, why does a high schooler have an audience to sing to? Is it like a talent show? Something else? I think your story would benefit by giving us a bit more to go on. It would help us feel a connection to your character.
Overall, though, I do think this was good. Just expand a bit and it'll be lovely.
Keep writing!
~Shady