CHAPTER 1
I stare into the whites of her eyes, seeing nothing but blackness. I try to close my eyes but they are clamped open forcing me to look at my dead best friend. Funeral day. I take a moment to think of the time we met in primary when we were both in year 1. She was the new girl, we were playing with super glue and we stuck our heads together. From then on we were best friends, forever. I suddenly zoom back to reality. The funeral, the girl that I once knew who was full of life, glow happiness, isn't here anymore. Gone.
I look up into the cloudless sky hopping to see a Rosa angel come fluttering down to earth. I turn to face the horizon and see storm clouds brewing on the horizon, I somehow know that they are going to start to head our way and pour tonnes of rain on us making the mood even more depressing because nothing goes the right way for me now, not after the accident. I savour the minuets we have left of a total blue sky, my eyes linger between the funeral and the beautiful blue sky hopping it never ends.
I stand above the giant grave, tears creating a path down my face. We took a moment to throw roses, petunias, mariogolds, pansies, daises alsorts of colourful flowers on top of her, once I threw my single rose on the bed of daises and pansies. I watched my best friend be buried under a pile of colour and wonder. I stare mornfully at the etched words on the metalic black head stone, words I can't make out as my vision is blurred by salty tears.
Some how I made my way over to the plastic seats in the church yard, numberous people ,some I knew, some I didn't, got up to say a few words. I zoned out as my mind recalled back to the accident. Some say it was her own fault. I don't know who to believe! She was standing up in the swaying coach singing a song to cheer our class up because it was raining and we were on our way to some boring castle I can't even remember the name of a school trip. She danced and I laughed. The coach swerved too much and we crashed in to the side of the motorway. Cars crashed into us, I broke my arm in the accident but today isn't about me it's about Rosa! I suddenly snap back to reality and I hear the soothing voice of Mrs. Wilson our form teacher .I can only remeber her saying what a pleasure Rosa was to teach, how she was always the energetic one in the class! then I heard her say "Didn't you want to say something Amber?"
" Yes" I reply I somehow stand on my two legs and slowly but surely make my way to the front of the crowd. When I face them I see their grief struck faces staring back at me. I feel sweat creeping down my arms, down my legs, filling my palms, I speak words I don't understand but make the audience tearful, I feel the rapid beating of my adrenaline fueled heart pound againt my chest off beat. I think it skips a beat when I remember saying Rosa's name in my speach. This brings me to tears. The setting sun reflects off Rosa's grave blinding me. I squint in the sunlight but never the less I carry on with my heart filled speach. When I finish I stumble back to my seat, tears crawling down my cheeks.
I can feel the air gradually getting thicker and thicker more unbreathable my heart fills my lungs as I struggle for breath, for oxygeon that is no longer there. I watch the world tilt over and over until I have to wait for death to swallow me up as I lie limply on the prickly grass. I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't think. I am in shock from her death. As I watch spectators gaze over me, watching the thick air poison my lungs. I slowly close my eyes and everything goes black!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!!
Hey, thought your name looked familiar, so I figured I'd take a look.
Hmm, so although my attention was grabbed at the first go, I couldn't help but notice their are quite the number of errors.
I figured I'd just run through them and help you out with the spelling, since the last reviewers didn't use code or anything. Hope you don't mind, as I'll just put in red the edited part, and hopefully you'll see how it's done. XD
Typo
OK, that's all for spelling. XD Not as many as I thought.
OK, I put in red the redundant parts for you. There were a couple of spots like this throughout the piece, but I figured you wouldn't want me to take them all out. My advice for the future would be, to read the work itself out loud to yourself, and the redundancy will stick out and you'll be able to correct it.
Always place a comma after, and generally before a name. Sometimes there are exceptions to this rule, but rarely. So be sure to do so. And also a slight typo. You forgot to capitalize the first word of your sentence.
Comma after the end of dialogue, and when you're going into a dialogue tag.
Hmm, OK. You say that she took a moment to think of the time that they met, right? Er, technically you only dwelt on it for basically one sentence, before she ZOOMED back into reality. Would suggest drawing it out more, and creating some more emotional turmoil.
Well, I do love this line... but something doesn't seem quite right, is all! Blackness? You said staring into the whites of her eyes... how about you change Blackness into emptiness?
OK, that's all for the grammar nitpicks. I'll be reviewing your second chapter later, so I'll help you with some other stuff when I can then.
Overall, I loved this piece. I really did! The raw emotion that it portrayed was simply stunning. One thing that I especially loved, was that you started it off with a strong beginning sentence. Excellent work there. I was like, you seriously just killed off a character? I just started reading! XD It was grating, yet you slid into it, without a single break in the flow.
I totally just absolutely love how you place your description throughout the work, as well. Many writers, seem to think that they can just place the description throughout the entire work, and get away with it. NOPE. You need to feed it to your readers slow and steady, with little bits at a time. My only complaint really, with that, would be to insert more of the five senses into it. Like for instance: You mention prickly grass in the end, right? Well it would be OK, to say something about how it feels on her arms. Or maybe even her legs. It would make the reader feel more involved with, what's going on with Amber, and would create a more real world.
That's just an example, though. Try to do the same for the rest of the piece as well. Reaction, to something is HIGHLY important. The reader isn't going to know what the character is exactly feeling, if all they get is, she looked this way and saw this thing and then she turned over here and picked up such and such item. Not happening, hon. So to summarize what I just said is: Describe the reaction of the action, along with everything else. XD
Now I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but I'm only saying that's something to always try to avoid. And you do a smashing job on keeping your characters' emotions raw and intense throughout.
Well I think I'm done for now, and I certainly hope this little bit helped you! Let me know if you have any questions and I'll clarify further on it. Also, keep going with being awesome at this!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
This is very good so far.
This is a very well written chapter. Although there are a few things that could use some work, if i am to be completely honest.
I REALLY like that and thats the kind of word choice and description that would make this story 5-star. Maybe try to break that sentence up a little too, its a bit run-on. So maybe instead try something like, "I can feel the air gradually getting thicker and thicker, more unbreathable as my heart fills my lungs. I struggle for breath, for oxygen that is no longer there."1) if this is the first chapter, consider making it a little bit longer. To me it seems like its the start of the first chapter.
2) I really like your word choice, but some more description could be nice. i really liked the part about the colorful flowers, that part was very well written and i could visualize it in my mind. THATS what the reader should be able to do, visualize everything in their head like they could connect to your and picture exactly what you were picturing while you wrote this. Maybe put how the grave site looks. Is the grass bright green or a dull color that fits with the morbid mood? The sky. Is it blue and cloudless, something Rosa would have loved to see? Or is it gray with storm clouds on the horizon. What were the mourners wearing? Mrs. Wilison. What does she look like? Was she wearing a sunny dress in an effort to cheer the mood, to celebrate the life of Rosa? Is she old or is she young? There are quite a few things that were left out, but i think if you tried this could be a really great story. Oh and Rosa's parents? Where are they? Did they stick out in the main characters mind when and if they spoke? also i seem to notice that you start alot of your sentences with the word I. i get thats its a first person perspective so its difficult to try anything else, but adding description like i was saying above would help put some spaces between all those I's. I do really like the end though that says
It is a very good plot line though and i encourage you too fix things up and keep writing!
<Sillia>
Thank you I will add all of your suggestions when I get time to.
Hi, EPICnumber1. This is Pinkie here for a review.
This is a good story. I enjoyed this story. It has a lot of potential and great characters. You did a good job on this. However, you have a lot of errors. Like this sentence:
"When I had finnished I stumbled back to my seat, tears crawling down my cheeks."
You misspelled finished wrong.
Also, this one:
"didn't you want to say something Amber?"
You should uppercase 'didn't and put a comma between 'something' and 'Amber'.
Finally, the characters wasn't realistic to the readers. They didn't develop really good. And you didn't described what is going on for the readers too. Anyway, it is okay for your first time writing a story. You remained me of myself. I always do that just like you. I just kept on trying to get it better like you should too.
Overall, this is a interesting masterpiece. I like to read more from you. I will wait for the next chapter. Have a nice day!
Good Job and Keep on writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: Welcome to YWS!
aw thanks for your review. I will try to sort the errors out but I have never been one for spelling. I add all of your helpfull comments into my work thank you!
Hi! Fantasy here for a review of your story! So here goes.
When you’re at a funeral, the person’s eyes are always closed. Not open. So your character can’t look into the whites of her dead friend’s eyes.
[I suddenly get back to reality.] I’d make this the start of a new paragraph, and probably change the wording slightly. [I suddenly snap back to reality.] It just sounds a bit better.
[The funeral the girl that I once knew who was full of life, glow happiness, isn't here anymore. Gone.] I’d also change a few things about this sentence. [Everything came rushing back; the funeral, and the girl I knew, one who was once full of life and happiness, she isn’t here anymore. She’s gone.] You just need to add something to it, otherwise it doesn’t sound like a complete thought to me.
[…giant pit…] isn’t really an apt description. It’s a grave. Say so. [, tears creating a [path down my face, etching a time, place.] You need to remove the random [ and you can remove the last part of the sentence so that it reads, [, tears creating a path down my face.] the rest of the sentence just wasn’t necessary. Also, they usually don’t put the coffin into the grave while the people are still there. Maybe it’s different where you’re from, but where I’m from they do that after everyone leaves. [We took a moments….] It should just be [moment] no ‘s’ is necessary.
[…seats in the church yards…] Take out the ‘s’ here too. It’s not needed. [numberous] should be [numerous]. [some I knew some I didn't] you should change to [some I knew, and some I didn't]. [motarway!] [motorway.] change the ‘a’ to an ‘o’ and take off the exclamation point. Unless she was happy about what happened, the exclamation shouldn’t be there. Same with the exclamation in the next sentence. [mrs Wilson] needs to be [Mrs. Wilson]. And remove the exclamation point at the end of that sentence as well. They are used to show excitement, joy, or shouting.
[then I heard her say] should be combined with ["didn't you want to say something Amber?"] and should then read, [Then I heard her say, “Didn’t you want to say something Amber?”] Dialogue tags always go with the dialogue. Don’t forget to capitalize the first word of a sentence, and the first word of a dialogue.
[" Yes" I reply I somehow stand on my two legs and slowly but surely make my way to the front of the crowd.] This can be separated into two sentences. [“Yes,” I reply. Somehow I stand up, and slowly, but surely, make my way to the front of the crowd.] Don’t forget to punctuate your dialogue too.
[I feel sweat creeping up my arms…] Sweat doesn’t creep up. It trickles down.
[adrenaline fueled] [adrenaline-fueled] Make sure to watch out for run-on sentences. [I feel sweat creeping up my arms, down my legs, filling my palms, I speak words I don't understand but make the audience tearful, I feel the rapid beating of my adrenaline fueled heart pound againt my chest of beat then I think it skips a beat when I see a boy on the horizon or what seems to be a boy.] This can be broken down into at least three sentences. And you spelled ‘against’ wrong.
[I squint in the light as the sun sets he walks off down the hill.] This sentence is unimportant and can be deleted. [speach] this is spelled wrong. [finnished] so is this.
[I can feel the air gradually getting thicker and thicker more unbreathable my heart fills my lungs as I struggle for breath, for oxogeon that is no longer there.] Another run on sentence. It can be broken down into at least two sentences. ‘oxygen’ is spelled wrong.
[I wait for death to swallow me up as I lie limply on the prickly grass.] You never told us she fell. Make sure not to leave out important details.
[As I watch spectators gaze over me, watching the thick air poison my lungs I slowly close my eyes and everything goes black!] It can be separated into two sentences, and the exclamation point isn’t necessary.
[Then I wake up in the hospital with two unfamiliar people by my side!] This sentence is neither important nor needed. I suggest getting rid of it.
Your story was riddled with errors, but it still wasn’t that bad. I suggest you slow down though. “Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on a piece of broken glass.” In short, don’t tell us what’s happening. Show us what’s happening. I didn’t feel the least bit sorry for your MC on the loss of her friend, and I most certainly didn’t care that the friend had died. Make us, as readers, care about your characters.
ok I like what you said but this is my first time writing on this website. I will correct the eroors I made and take your imput in to action with this piece. but to be honest I have always been rubbish with spelling.
Thank you for your review.
I have done my best to edit it please tell me what you think. Critism wanted!
I checked back through it, and most of the errors I pointed out are still there.