I love this!
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Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
He read the list on names out loud. I was on it and so was Alice, a few more people a know from maths and science. None of my friends were on the list. Great. All alone with boring teenagers. Most of the people on the list were Vampires and since all vampires have a natural skill in charisma and they all look totally gorgeous my odds of standing out in this mini class of fifteen were becoming less and less as he read out the names. There were a few Upirs but not many, probably around four of us then the rest were Vampires.
Vampires all have amazing strength and better reflexes than us Upirs do and they sometimes rely on them when humans hunt them down. They don't actually practice using them, therefore these vamps were the cocky ones who thought so highly of them selves to even consider thinking that they might be weak. Huge mistake dumbasses.
Focusing on Mr Carter I couldn't actually tell if he was Upir or vampire since he had lots of muscle like a vamp but the smaller fangs of an Upir. He could have filed them down or he could have worked out a lot. Not entirely sure. "Alright, those of you who I read you names out, meet me after class and I will give you your separate timetables. For now give me twenty" We all slipped down on our hands and knees and slowly killed ourselves with push ups. After we ran four laps around the entire field. The class finally came to an end. A girl I recognised from my math class shot her hand up. "Yes?" Carter asked her while showing off his dark eyes which made my breath catch.
"Um, sir why do we have to train separately anyway?" She asked while batting her eyelashes and flipping her hair back, Carter seemed oblivious to it though.
"What is your name?" His husky voice sang menacingly.
"J...Jennie"
"Well, Jennie don't question a teacher's motives" I like Jennie she was always nice to my friends and I and now super hot guy just turning into super asshole.
"I...I wasn't questioning your--"
"She wasn't questioning your motives" I spoke out. My voice seemed smaller than I intended it to. Everyone's eyes turned on me. All the girls stopped swooning and the guys stopped rolling their eyes and frowning, some were grinning.
"And you are?"
"Fay, Fay Somers"
"Well Jennie and Fay Somers just earned the class another four laps around the field." I almost shouted at him then, I almost stormed right up to him and screamed some witty comment in his face. Almost. I just glowered and glared at him, hoping that my endless stare would cut holes into his head. It didn't. He just told me to run. So I ran.
~
"Fay!" Eddie called after me. After class I just snatched my timetable from Mr Carter's hand and stormed off before he would make a scene. I was the first off the field.
"What?" I asked a little snappier than I wanted but I was too angry to care.
"Why'd you choke?" He asked. "When you spoke up, I was expecting you two to have some crazy ass argument which ended with you winning and him looking completely ashamed and me smiling and feeling proud that that crazy ass awesome girl is my best friend" He did say 'ass' a lot in that speech but I let it slide. I didn't really have anything to say to that.
"Sorry" I mumbled before walking away, but he grabbed my arm and tugged me back.
"Fay, he's a complete dick. If he hurt you just ignore him" He said quietly. Mr Carter didn't hurt me with his words at all, he did annoy me quite a lot but if anything he intrigued me. I wanted to know why he isn't like other teachers, I wanted to know why he isn't a suck up to the head mistress like the other teachers. I want to know him. Since he was here and Eddie was the best judge of character, I had to ask him.
"Hey, do you know if he was... you know, a vamp or and Upir?" I asked.
"Kind of hard to tell but I think so, why?"
"Well?"
"I think he was an Upir but with the asshole air he has about him it did make me wonder"
"Wonder... What?"
"If he was a Tpia"
"A...what?"
"Well...We learned about it a couple days ago while you were asleep" Great what else did I miss? "It's Greek for three" He said. "A Tpia is someone who is three quarter vampire and one quarter human"
"How come we're only learning this now?" I asked, confusion clouded my mind.
"Apparently they only discovered them like five years ago and they've been keeping it a secret for four of those years, so the government decided they weren't a threat and let the whole world know." He explained. "The first one was discovered in Olympia hence the Greek and not the Czech"
"And you think this guy is a Tpia because he's an ass?"
"No there was just... something about him" Great now I got a mystery on my hands.
Disclaimer: I have not read the previous chapters.
Well, you've certainly got some original terms floating around. I've no idea what the story is about, but what's been revealed so far is intriguing. Now then:
I'll begin with characters. Fay seems like an alright person. Eddie seems like a typically likable character. You've done this most through your dialogue. As for Mr. Carter, well, while he is sufficiently unlikable, be careful that he doesn't just end up as a flat villain to Fay's perfect hero. But for the time being, everything's fine.
As for descriptive style, you do well for so few words. You don't spend too much time describing anything, which allows the story to move smoothly, and yet you have a firm-enough command of adjectives and verbs to entertain the reader and give them a clear picture. However, your style is also the most major flaw in this piece. It's a bit to expository. Quite plainly, I don't really care about vampires and Upirs and Tpias (oh my!) unless I'm given a reason to care. Take this sentence, for example:
Vampires all have amazing strength and better reflexes than us Upirs do and they sometimes rely on them when humans hunt them down.
But Tpias don't really seem like too big of a deal. Maybe that's my fault for not reading, but from what I understand, Vamps are full-blooded, Upirs are half-blooded, and Tpias fall in-between. Okay, that's great, but why should the audience care? There's nothing really consequential tied in with whether Mr. Carter is a Tpia or not.I like Jennie she was always nice to my friends and I and now super hot guy just turning into super asshole.
Hello Tuesday here for a review!
This is a good chapter but like most things that are good, they need some help. Also this doesn't go towards the last three chapters. I like the title, gives a sense of tears to me as rain falls because it is mostly sad. I enjoy the characters you have in here but try reading this aloud; think about if you were a reader and you were reading this, what would you see to be corrected?
There are some parts in this novel that could use some italics since it is a thought and not a human action also some parts that could be bolder as to show importance.
I was on it and so was Alice, a few more people a know from maths and science.
None of my friends were on the list. Great. All alone with boring teens
Focusing on Mr Carter I couldn't actually tell if he was Upir or vampire since he had lots of muscle like a vamp but the smaller fangs of an Upir.
Great now I got a mystery on my hands.
Points: 396
Reviews: 22
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