I am not immortal. That's the eighty-third time someone has asked me or told me that I'm immortal. I'm not. Our world isn't a secret to humans so there are a handful of them that know and if a human asked me about my self I wouldn't leave out the half vampire-half human part. Of course any human who heard the word 'vampire' would jump to the conclusion that I drink blood and sleep in coffins, the 'half human' part would just completely go over their heads. I do have great reflexes, I can see in the dark, I run really fast and I throw a good punch. There are other pros to the half vampire bit; I'm pretty strong and I have great hearing but I don't really seem to use them as much as the others.
The jaw-dropped human guy in front of me didn't say anything he just stared, I could tell by his eyes that he was pretty amazed. I certainly wasn't amazed when I found out about the half vampire part, I was really angry when I was four years old and I was still a crying baby in a cot. When I was ten- I looked like a one year old, when I was thirty- I looked like a three year old, when I was one hundred years old- I looked like a ten year old- and so on.
He didn't look older than sixteen. He was really starting to bug me, it was about ten past three in the morning and I really needed to get home and he was blocking my path. Another thing; I sleep. Not as often as humans, I could stay awake for three days at the most before I get tired; I haven't slept in a week. Literally. I was about to collapse right in front of this guy and then I'd have a lot of explaining to do. "Can you please excuse me, I really need to get back home" I said as politely as I could through clenched teeth. Without taking his eyes of me and his jaw still on the pavement, he let me by. I nodded my thanks to him before he grabbed my arm again.
"Wait!" I clenched my fist waiting to punch him. "I still don't get the immortal part" Yep I was going to punch him.
"Kyle! Kyle? Where the hell are you?" A voice from behind him shouted, probably waking up half the street. He swivelled his head around and shouted back, he let my arm go in the process.
"Shut up Mark! I'm coming!" He shouted back at the voice, probably waking up the other half of the street. I watched from a distance as he turned around to find that I wasn't there anymore, just the black night. I ran as fast as could on aching feet and zero energy.
Eventually I came to the block of flats. I barged through the door and walked the five stories because the lift still wasn't working. The flat- I share with my best friend Ella- isn't the most luxurious of places by far. It has two tiny bedrooms identical to each other, one tiny kitchen, a smallish living space in which a sofa bed sits in along with a flat screen TV and an electric fireplace. A few photos lie here and there, scattered like my mind usually was. I shoved the front door open and sluggishly limped to my small bedroom.
I almost fell onto the messy purple bed, I was asleep in seconds. Or asleep for seconds, Ella's voice rang through the walls of the flat. "Fay is that you?" She was watching Undead high a comedy slash drama TV show and guess what? It's about vampires!
"Hmm" I groaned as loud as I could. Obviously she wasn't tired at all or not as tired as me. Ella was also half vampire-half human or Upir as we are more commonly known as. It's Czech for vampire, not entirely sure why the language is Czech or why it's vampire and not half vampire but then again, I didn't invent the word.
"You in bed?" She called again .
"Hmm" I grunted as a reply. "Don't wake me up till Thursday" I managed to get out. I meant it as well, the fact that we can stay awake for days also means that we can sleep for days.
"You got it" After that I fell into an old dream that was hidden in the crevices of my mind.
End of chapter
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140,690 Literary Works • 673,595 Reviews
Hi, Lau here.
This is good, some little things I'll point out in a few minutes, but those are teachable things. You made it interesting and quick, and I wanted more. Great job!
"I am not immortal. That's the eighty-third time someone has asked me or told me that I'm immortal. I'm not. Our world isn't a secret to humans so there are a handful of them that know and if a human asked me about my self I wouldn't leave out the half vampire-half human part."
Who is Kyle? Maybe we will learn that later, but if he isn't someone...did he just say:" Who are you? I'm Fay, half human, half vampire." It doesn't add up. It's a way to give context, but, I don't go telling everyone I meet suddenly on the street where I'm from: What my favourite food is, and who my parents are. If she's counting how many have told her she's immortal but then kinda runs from Kyle, what's the point? Also, if someone told me they're half human, half vampire, my first thought isn't "Ooooooh, you must be immortal." And if humans know, wouldn't they know Upir aren't immortals?
Like Sabrina said, a bit too much context for chapter one.
Don't take this wrong, okay? Remember, you had me entertaid at every minute, and that's all a writer wants. You did great!
Send me a PM when you write more Chapters, I'm off to Chapter two now.
-Lau.
Hello!
Your story grabbed my attention when i read the word "Upir". I had never heard of this before so of course I'm interested.
Your first chapter is a pretty awesome intro for your novel. You successfully introduced your main characters. You also got a feel for both of their personalities. You made them interesting and likable.
The information you gave was interesting and different from your usual vampire stories. You also told it to us in a humorous way which made me wanting to know more.
"I certainly wasn't amazed when I found out about the half vampire part, I was really angry when I was four years old and I was still a crying baby in a cot. When I was ten- I looked like a one year old, when I was thirty- I looked like a three year old, when I was one hundred years old- I looked like a ten year old- and so on."
I loved this part because instead of just saying how she ages you made it more interesting. I only wish that you would have spaced it out a bit more. You gave us a kind of INFO dump. Where you told us everything about being a part human/ vampire. Sometimes it's better to space all this information through out the first few chapters.
I can't wait to read the future chapters especially the school aspect. Happy writing!
Sabrina