Hi EM8650,
Mailice here with a short review!
I´m seeing your work is already a longer time here in the Green Room, so I´m here to bump it out.
I found the narration from Apollo's perspective very successful and I liked that it had a lot of details to show despite the brevity. I thought it was a good idea that the narrator also introduced more about his character through the comments to bring the plot forward. You still have some spelling mistakes and punctuation errors sometimes, but I think that will be solved quickly if you read over again.
Especially the last, larger section from Valentina's perspective I found a bit vague written, especially because you start very often with "I". As a result, the tension you were trying to build is lost. If you write the sentences a little more flexibly, for example from the passive voice, or the rewriting of some sentences, the insertion of trains of thought, etc....
What I also noticed was that the two narrators' voices sound somewhat similar. I would try to focus more on X for one character and Y for the other. That would give the characters even more personality.
never in the time since I had been banished had I ever seen a human let
Here is a comma missing between “had been banished” and “had I ever”.
Her lips were full and the colour of a peach, her hair dark blond with a brown to auburm tinge through it. Based on her posture I would of guessed she was 5’5 in height maybe less. I was yet to see her eyes; the colour of a person’s eye can determine their blood origins and based on what I had already observed I was honestly curios
Here are two full stops missing for the last two sentences. But actually I wanted to say, that I like your description of the person and that you used more than simply colours. You used more define terms to describe, which is a neat little factor, that you should use ever over the more simplistic one-sided way.
The seconds went by slowly faded into hours until dawn was upon me,
Here´s also a comma missing after the “slowly”. Strange that this occurred a second time, while changing the perspective.
It was overall a nice story and I like how you create different perspectives to create a greater dynamic in the story.
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
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