z

Young Writers Society


16+

What the future holds - chapter two and three

by EM8650


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Chapter two - Journey through troll swamp

Apollo’s perspective

I could not believe my eyes, never in the time since I had been banished had I ever seen a human let alone a female whose beauty was as striking as her own dare to come near, let alone cross trolls swamp. Yet there she was right in front me.

Her lips were full and the colour of a peach, her hair dark blond with a brown to auburm tinge through it. Based on her posture I would of guessed she was 5’5 in height maybe less. I was yet to see her eyes; the colour of a person’s eye can determine their blood origins and based on what I had already observed I was honestly curios

I continued to watch her, staying still so not to create a single noise that might give away my location as I waited hoping for a chance to see her eyes.

Her head turned slightly, I gasped. “It can’t be.” I said to myself louder than intended as the golden sliver in her right eye became much clearer to me. I found myself hyperventilating as the human slowly climbed off her horse and towards me, cr*p I thought, she must have herd me. Hurrying I backed away into the safety of the tree’s and darkness.

Once I was far enough way I was sure she could not hear, I began to go over what I had uncovered. What the golden sliver in her eye meant, not just for me but also for everyone.

Chapter three - Creature of the swamp

Valentina's perspective

The seconds went by slowly faded into hours until dawn was upon me, the perfect time to get moving. It would only take an hour or so to cross the swamp at full speed but that would only attract the troll to my location. Carefully mounting my horse we set off slow as not to disturb the land marks.

As the journey progressed the land became increasingly wet underfoot until we were surrounded by swamp.

It is unclear how one would describe a swamp, from afar it may look like a barren wasteland but from a close distance or in my case standing right in the centre of one, it can be detailed as a humid, dry, smelly and wet part of the land. Although it is not entirely the fault of nature, much of the smell is caused by rotting dwarf and animal carcasses each at a different stage of decomposition.

The track through the swamp was slow and I was beginning to think that the forest I had been sent to did not exist, that was until remnants of fresh vegetation began appearing on the path to my left, I knew I was close now all I needed was a way in and out of the swamp water.

Slowly I came to a stop as the scrub to my side became gradually denser and the swamp faded away. Climbing off my horse I took the reins in one hand and continued on. The swamp was silent for the most part except for the low crunch of vegetation under foot. The wind blew beyond the tree line followed closely by the rustling scrubs and what sounded like the low cuss from the distance. I stopped yet again drawing one of the blades I kept strapped to my side.

I dropped the reins from my hand and stalked the tree line, snapping my fingers twice the horse followed as is searched for and opening or a path of some sort into the ever growing darkness.

Suddenly I chill ran down my spine, I took in a shaky breath, was I scared for what was to come? I wouldn't be scared. Then I felt it the warm breath of a troll on the back of my neck. Steadily I turned around raised my dagger and plunged it into the creatures chest. With a loud venomous howl the troll tossed me aside reviling the row of talons it swung for me. I screamed. Rolling I avoided the large hand however I was not unscathed. I reached for my ribs, the smell of blood filling the air as I continued to dodge the ever quickening attacks. Sliding slightly to my left I was unaware of moss covered tree stump that lay behind me, too late to stop myself my head banged against it.

My vision blurred and I could feel the coldness of blood escaping my body as I lied unable to move. A my eyes shut yet again I saw a figure move quickly beside me. 


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1232 Reviews


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Fri Jul 30, 2021 6:25 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi EM8650,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I´m seeing your work is already a longer time here in the Green Room, so I´m here to bump it out. :D

I found the narration from Apollo's perspective very successful and I liked that it had a lot of details to show despite the brevity. I thought it was a good idea that the narrator also introduced more about his character through the comments to bring the plot forward. You still have some spelling mistakes and punctuation errors sometimes, but I think that will be solved quickly if you read over again. :D

Especially the last, larger section from Valentina's perspective I found a bit vague written, especially because you start very often with "I". As a result, the tension you were trying to build is lost. If you write the sentences a little more flexibly, for example from the passive voice, or the rewriting of some sentences, the insertion of trains of thought, etc....

What I also noticed was that the two narrators' voices sound somewhat similar. I would try to focus more on X for one character and Y for the other. That would give the characters even more personality.

never in the time since I had been banished had I ever seen a human let

Here is a comma missing between “had been banished” and “had I ever”.

Her lips were full and the colour of a peach, her hair dark blond with a brown to auburm tinge through it. Based on her posture I would of guessed she was 5’5 in height maybe less. I was yet to see her eyes; the colour of a person’s eye can determine their blood origins and based on what I had already observed I was honestly curios

Here are two full stops missing for the last two sentences. But actually I wanted to say, that I like your description of the person and that you used more than simply colours. You used more define terms to describe, which is a neat little factor, that you should use ever over the more simplistic one-sided way.

The seconds went by slowly faded into hours until dawn was upon me,

Here´s also a comma missing after the “slowly”. Strange that this occurred a second time, while changing the perspective. :D

It was overall a nice story and I like how you create different perspectives to create a greater dynamic in the story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.




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166 Reviews


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Reviews: 166

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Wed Jun 30, 2021 3:30 pm
DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Hey, Alice is here to go a review!!!

MY THOUGHTS~

It was really fun to read this chapter, there is a lot of potential for you. I really like the description you gave about the swamp, it was really detailed and we can get a clear picture of how it is, so good job! Iobviously can't understand, what the story line is cause I have not read the first chapter, but it seems fun to me. I will try reading the first chapter to understand this better.

SUGGESTIONS~

Once I was far enough way I was sure she could not hear,


This lines seems a bit clumsy, try rewriting it like~ Once I was enought far away and was sure she couldn't hear me.

What the golden sliver in her eye meant, not just for me but also for everyone.


The seconds went by slowly faded into hours until dawn was upon me,


These lines have the same problem, it's a bit shaky and unclear. The second line could be written as~ The seconds slowly faded into hours until dawn was upon me.

Tips: It's really alright! Sometimes we just need to make our sentence sound clear and stronger. Just go through your work once or twice so that you can see some errors that you didn't saw the first time.


TINY-MINY NITPICKS~

There were some spelling mistakes, let me list them here real quick:

Her lips were full and the colour of a peach, her hair dark blond with a brown to auburm tinge through it.


'auburm' should be 'auburn'

Based on her posture I would of guessed she was 5’5 in height maybe less.


Try writing 'have' instead of 'of' here.

slowly climbed off her horse and towards me, cr*p I thought, she must have herd me.


I think 'herd' was meant to be 'heard'

Tips: I am gonna give you a tip someone gave me cause I too make a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes .My tip would be to leave the chapter for a while (a couple of hours) after you have finished it, so that you can clear your mind and forget the text for a while. Then come back and read it again and correct it. By having a break in between, you distract yourself and also shift down a gear. :D (Unfortunately, this kind of thing doesn't work in a time-limited school exam, of course :D)


Overall it was a really nice chapter, just some shaky sentences but it's alright. You did a good job. Just don't lose hope, you have a lot of potential and you are a good writer.

Bye!!!





Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
— Dr. Seuss