12+

Hunter - chapters 4 end and 5

The thought of spending time with Ethan alone was daunting to me I had to find a way out of it. “why can’t the two of you guys go to the morgue while I head up the police?” I tried my best to sound calm as I asked the question.

“Because Hart, you haven’t hunted in years and probably have no active contacts where as I do.” Nick had made a valid point in his argument, making it harder to dodge his task. “Fine.” I said grimly. Really didn’t want to spend time with Ethan after what had just happen.

The three of us all ate breakfast in on the front porch downstairs in front of my apartment. We tried our best to engage in small talk that mostly involved sharing stories about previous hunts and supernatural creates. “Alright guys I’m going to go put some real clothes on. I’ll be back soon.”

I handed Ethan the plate that he had served my breakfast on before turning and heading inside. As I continued to make my way through the apartment, I could feel a change in the air but choosing to ignore it I reached into the trunk at the end of my bed that contained all of my old hunting gear. Changing into my black ripped jeans and white cropped turtleneck t- shirt. I pulled on my black 2-inch boots and tucked my favourite hunting knife into the slit that I had made in the lining.

Walking over to my full length mirror I studied my reflection for a moment before tying my hair into a single plat at the back of my neck.

When I stepped back out onto the porch I had been hoping that both they guys had gone back upstairs into their apartment, but unfortunately I found Nick sitting in the same seat he always did. His head bowed and hands gripping the cup in his hand tightly. He mustn’t of herd me come outside because when I finally took a seat next to him he nearly jumped out of his seat.

“Oh, Violet. I didn’t hear you come out.” Violet I thought to myself. He almost never called me Violet. “Sorry” I said instantly standing to move away but nick grabbed my hand before I could move. “Don’t.” he said. “Don’t apologise. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Nicks voice was both calm, cautious and guarded as he continued. “You look stunning in your old hunting gear.” His voice was now steady but laced with emotion.

“Thanks parker. You don’t took too bad yourself you know.” Nick let out a muffled laugh. “can I ask you something Violet?” Nicks voice was shaking when he asked the question. “Sure.” I replied just a few seconds later. “Just know that you don’t have to answer if.” I cut him off. “Nick stop stalling.” Nick sucked in a sharp breath before speaking again. “Did something happen between you and Ethan this morning before I came out?” I could hear the concern and appending emotional hurt in his voice. “No Nick. Noting happened.” I replied. “Really Violet. I mean I saw your face you were practically bright red.”

“Yes I’m sure. I was just caught off guard that is all. Nick nothing happened.” I said with such urgency. I needed him to know that nothing happened between Ethan and me.

I moved my hand under his chin lifting his head to look into his eyes, which were clouded with mist of green and emotion that was so memorising that I nearly forgot what was going on. “Nick.” I said. “Nothing happened between me and Ethan. I promise you.” The emotion and colour began to return to nicks face when I finished speaking. When Nick finally decided to speak again the confidence in which he normally spoke with had returned. “Alright. I believe you Hart.”

Chapter five – Return to the crime scene

The trip to the morgue that Nick had sent Ethan and I on had proved to be useless as the police forensics hadn’t even processed the body yet. So we decided it would be more useful if we took a look around the crime scene.

After canvasing the area once Ethan finally decided to speak. “This seems like an odd place for a vampire attack. I mean I know that vamps aren’t the smartest of creature but they’re not dumb enough to drain a human out here in the open.” Ethan made a valid point. “your right.” I said “what if she wasn’t taken or even killed here?” I continued. “Maybe it wasn’t a vampire that attacked that girl.”

“Perhaps.” Ethan said thinking over my previous comment. “But what other creature would be following a girl that looks exactly like you and then kill her.” His voice was steady and displayed no emotion. “Fair point Jones but in case you have forgotten that’s why we are here.” I pointed out smugly. “We should check out the woods.” I suggested. “ They are only a five minutes south from here and the campus dorms back onto it.” My voice only displaying a hint of excitement at the thought of hunting again. Even though it had been the one thing, I had been fighting against for the last 2 years of my life.

“That’s not actually a bad idea Hart.” Ethan said. I could detect the hint of joy that was ruminating from his voice as he spoke.

It took us under 5 minutes to walk to the woods from where the body had been found in the ally behind golds. It was around one pm now and the afternoon sun was casting a vast glow through the gaps in the branches. Creating long dark mystical shadow, which faded onto the main road.

After finding the old hiking trail we travelled further into the woods until the trees were like a woody roof above our heads. Brown and orange leave began to fall like rain around us after a huge gust of wind came through and shock the trees. Ethan was about 10 feet behind me when he called out. “Oi Hart check this out.” He instructed as I ran over. “What?” I asked and I was looking up to where he had been pointing. “It looks like a piece of cloth.” I said. “Hey Ethan give me a boots?” I asked hopefully. He nodded in reply cupping his hands together before letting me slip my foot onto them and giving me a boost. Using the tree trunk as a guide I stretch as far as I could until my I held the cloth firmly in my hand.

Even though getting up the tree had been relatively graceful I was knocked off balance when a gust of wind passed slipping out of Ethan’s grasp. Falling the remaining few feet from to the ground but not before knocking him off his feet as well.

I landed on my back with a thud and despite his best efforts to catch himself Ethan landed on top of me. “Sorry.” Ethan said his voice sounding extremely apologetic. He climbed to his feet, lending me His hand before pulling me up with him.

We were both standing now and his hand had moved from mine to my waist, our faces just inches part. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek. “Are you okay Violet?” he asked sounding oddly sympathetic. “Yes.” I answered him weakly. “Are you?” Ethan nodded his reply. His other hand was now under my chin, Lifting my head till our eyes met in the fading light of the descending sun.

Our noses brushed lightly against each other’s but just as our lips were about to connect My phone buzzed loudly in my back pocket. I pulled it out to revel Nicks name spread across my scream followed by at least 3 unread messages. I turned back to Ethan. “Nick says he’s found something and wants to meet us back at the apartments.” I said to Ethan trying so hard to hide the emotion that laced my voice. We walk back to the apartments in silence and when we were about half way back I finally let my mind wonder. My thoughts un-surprisingly went straight to the guys and the unwelcome feels that had been growing inside me for weeks. Although I couldn’t quite find the line that separated the brothers and the different set of emotions I had for each of them.

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IcyFlame
Review

Aha! This is the end of chapter four! You could always go back and edit your previous post to put chapter four in there for clarity now that you have some reviews on it? It might make it easier for you to find later. Up to you of course :)

The thought of spending time with Ethan alone was daunting to me I had to find a way out of it.

I get why this is daunting but it would be good to have some more of her thoughts/feelings about Ethan in previous chapters.

“Because Hart, you haven’t hunted in years and probably have no active contacts where as I do.” Nick had made a valid point in his argument, making it harder to dodge his task. “Fine.” I said grimly. Really didn’t want to spend time with Ethan after what had just happen.

You need two separate paragraphs as there are two people speaking here.

You look stunning in your old hunting gear.” His voice was now steady but laced with emotion.

This still feels too soon. We need to have seen more interaction between the two of them before.
We seem to have a love triangle going on but with no build up as to why it's happened. Is it simply that she is female and they are male because we need more than that really. If they've built a connection over time we need to see that. Show not tell :)


After canvasing the area once Ethan finally decided to speak. “This seems like an odd place for a vampire attack. I mean I know that vamps aren’t the smartest of creature but they’re not dumb enough to drain a human out here in the open.” Ethan made a valid point. “your right.” I said “what if she wasn’t taken or even killed here?” I continued. “Maybe it wasn’t a vampire that attacked that girl.”

“Perhaps.” Ethan said thinking over my previous comment. “But what other creature would be following a girl that looks exactly like you and then kill her.” His voice was steady and displayed no emotion. “Fair point Jones but in case you have forgotten that’s why we are here.” I pointed out smugly. “We should check out the woods.” I suggested. “ They are only a five minutes south from here and the campus dorms back onto it.” My voice only displaying a hint of excitement at the thought of hunting again. Even though it had been the one thing, I had been fighting against for the last 2 years of my life.

Again, new paragraph for new speaker.


You're building Violet's character well but I think we need to have something happen in terms of action now as the romance doesn't really hold a whole lot of depth at this point.
Hopefully Nick has had some more luck than Ethan and Violet so we can move this story along!

Hope this helped :)

Icy

Thank you for the reviews. I hope you are enjoying the story so far.

User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Wed Sep 09, 2020 7:08 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back for more!

First Impression: So another pair of pretty good chapters that we've got here. You haven't put this into category but so far this feels much more like a romance novel than anything else at the moment. We've completely put all vampires and hunting off to the side of developing this romance and that's not a bad thing I'm just pointing that out. And so well they don't really find much here...not a lot happens but I feel like next chapter with Nick's clues might have more information so looking forward for that one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The thought of spending time with Ethan alone was daunting to me I had to find a way out of it. “why can’t the two of you guys go to the morgue while I head up the police?” I tried my best to sound calm as I asked the question.


Well if she does not have contacts why can't she just stay at home while these two go do their things. Seems like they don't really need to have her tag along with one of them.

The three of us all ate breakfast in on the front porch downstairs in front of my apartment. We tried our best to engage in small talk that mostly involved sharing stories about previous hunts and supernatural creates. “Alright guys I’m going to go put some real clothes on. I’ll be back soon.”


I think you meant creatures there.

I handed Ethan the plate that he had served my breakfast on before turning and heading inside. As I continued to make my way through the apartment, I could feel a change in the air but choosing to ignore it I reached into the trunk at the end of my bed that contained all of my old hunting gear. Changing into my black ripped jeans and white cropped turtleneck t- shirt. I pulled on my black 2-inch boots and tucked my favourite hunting knife into the slit that I had made in the lining.


Is that some foreshadowing that I detect with the change in the air. That's interesting. Some nicely done stuff there.

“Oh, Violet. I didn’t hear you come out.” Violet I thought to myself. He almost never called me Violet. “Sorry” I said instantly standing to move away but nick grabbed my hand before I could move. “Don’t.” he said. “Don’t apologise. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Nicks voice was both calm, cautious and guarded as he continued. “You look stunning in your old hunting gear.” His voice was now steady but laced with emotion.


Well that sounds like a little formal there with his statement to avoid apologizing. I would expect something a little more casual than that.

I moved my hand under his chin lifting his head to look into his eyes, which were clouded with mist of green and emotion that was so memorising that I nearly forgot what was going on. “Nick.” I said. “Nothing happened between me and Ethan. I promise you.” The emotion and colour began to return to nicks face when I finished speaking. When Nick finally decided to speak again the confidence in which he normally spoke with had returned. “Alright. I believe you Hart.”


You mean he did not see the whole forehead pressing situation because it sure looked like he did from the way that you wrote than in the previous part.

The trip to the morgue that Nick had sent Ethan and I on had proved to be useless as the police forensics hadn’t even processed the body yet. So we decided it would be more useful if we took a look around the crime scene.


Well...something they probably should have considered a little more carefully there but definitely a realistic scenario for real life.

It took us under 5 minutes to walk to the woods from where the body had been found in the ally behind golds. It was around one pm now and the afternoon sun was casting a vast glow through the gaps in the branches. Creating long dark mystical shadow, which faded onto the main road.


That either needs a in front of it or it has to be shadows.

I landed on my back with a thud and despite his best efforts to catch himself Ethan landed on top of me. “Sorry.” Ethan said his voice sounding extremely apologetic. He climbed to his feet, lending me His hand before pulling me up with him.


I see we have gone with that old cliche awkward landing here.

Our noses brushed lightly against each other’s but just as our lips were about to connect My phone buzzed loudly in my back pocket. I pulled it out to revel Nicks name spread across my scream followed by at least 3 unread messages. I turned back to Ethan. “Nick says he’s found something and wants to meet us back at the apartments.” I said to Ethan trying so hard to hide the emotion that laced my voice. We walk back to the apartments in silence and when we were about half way back I finally let my mind wonder. My thoughts un-surprisingly went straight to the guys and the unwelcome feels that had been growing inside me for weeks. Although I couldn’t quite find the line that separated the brothers and the different set of emotions I had for each of them.


Well that is certainly a very interesting place to end things here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is now slightly repetitive because its been a lot of this same being uncomfortable and blushing for the past few chapters. Hopefully there is a little bit of action after this to add some extra spice to this or else the romance gets a little old after a while. But you're still doing a pretty good job with your characters...I can clearly see Violet's personalty which is definitely a very good thing to have.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Overwatchful
Review

Hello, Stormblessed here!
Good continuation! The love triangle is getting interesting. There are less errors here, but I'll point out a few of the ones I did find.

“why can’t the two of you guys go to the morgue while I head up the police?”

"why" should be capitalized here.

We tried our best to engage in small talk that mostly involved sharing stories about previous hunts and supernatural creates.

Like I said in my review on your last chapter, world build! Tell us about the stuff that hunters do. Also, when you say "creates," do you mean creatures?

When I stepped back out onto the porch I had been hoping that both they guys had gone back upstairs into their apartment,

There should be a comma after "porch," and "they" should be "the."

but nick grabbed my hand before I could move.

nick should be capitalized.

Noting happened.”

"Noting" should be "Nothing."

emotion that was so memorising

"memorising" should be "mesmerizing."

There are a few more errors like this, but go over it carefully and you'll find them. Try reading the dialogue out loud. That will help with where to put the commas and stuff like that.
I can't wait for the next chapter! See you soon!

Hope this helped,
Stormblessed242

Thank you for your feedback. At the moment i am writing chapters six and seven which is where i am going to start to explain the myths around violets blood.



mashed potatoes are v a l i d
— Liminality