Young Writers Society

"“Valentina.” Magnus said from somewhere behind me where I had been fixing the saddle to my horse. “I’m taking a huge risk sending you out unescorted, so let me remind you what will happen if you try to double cross me.” Magnus paused, inhaling a slightly while taking a few steps towards me. “I will find you and then I will let my men do as they please with you and once they are done you’ll be sold.” He paused yet again allowing a wicked smile to spread across his face revelling his almost rotten teeth."

Very interesting start to the story. You defiantly catch the reader there in the first couple lines of the story. This is the kind of start to the story that catches you attention right away.

"Taking one final step towards me he shoved me against a tree, hand on my throat, “Understood?” he spat the words at me through gritted teeth. “Yes.” I managed to choke out as he released his death grip."

Well, things are off to a quick start, that's for sure. Wonder what the message is that makes all this violence appear.

"It wasn’t the fact that Magnus would personally hunt me down if I tried to double cross him, it was the fact that he would leave me for his men that scared me the most. The thought of it alone made my skin crawl. All the things they could do, all the possibilities. Magnus coughed pulling me out of my mind shutting the images out as he walked away."

Valentina most be a very important person if Magnus is afraid that she is going to double cross him. Wonder what gave him that idea seeing what a sensible person he is.

"It was hours later after I had finished packing supplies and prepping the horse did I finally leave. It was just unfortunate that I wasn’t able to escape another lecture and warning from the Magnus’s camp patrol officer."

This is actuate because i can take along time to pack if you aren't in a huge hurry.

"I was unsure of how long it would take me to get to No Fay’s Forest especially since I was crossing through the most dangerous part of the land, troll swamp."

Well, that sounds like a stroll through the park. And of course nothing could go wrong. Also, interesting name for the forrest.

"It didn’t take long to reach the swamp as we had set up camp close by in order to scope the place, which meant that by the time sunset had fallen upon me I was ready to make camp."

This has been a very interesting story so far.

"I knew sending Valentina out on this hunt alone was a risky decision to anyone who didn’t or wouldn’t understand my thought process, which was basically everyone in the clan. But I knew one thing it was that Valentina was the only one who would be able to complete the job without dying. She was a survivor, not alone that but she knew more about the world outside the can than anyone including myself."

Wonder how she knows more about life outside the clan compared to everyone else. Also, glad hes not totally heartless, at least he believes she can do it because shes a survivor.

"It was just unfortunate that even with this knowledge the others still did not agree and the fact that she had tried to escape on multiple occasions wasn’t helping my case. Which is why I made the threat in the first place. The one thing Valentina hated most in the world was losing control over her space. The girl was not scared of death, torture not even being burned alive."

At least he had a reason to threaten her. I wonder how she came to be part of the clan considering that fact that it looks like she doesn't want to be a part of it.

"There was only one problem with my threat, I didn’t think I could follow through with it. When my farther first bought Valentina from the fight club we had almost become friends, until my farther became il and I had to separate myself from her in preparation for the role of clan leader. While she hasn’t trusted me since I couldn’t bare the thought of others touching her."

Very interesting place to end things. Looks like all the threats he makes to her is just a cover for how he really feels about her. Interesting relationship you have going on here.

Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...so as far as Chapter ones go this is pretty good, there is quite a bit of intrigue sprinkled in there and the characters are acting realistically enough at the moment. Its hard to judge on just the one chapter but for now it seems okay.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Valentina.” Magnus said from somewhere behind me where I had been fixing the saddle to my horse. “I’m taking a huge risk sending you out unescorted, so let me remind you what will happen if you try to double cross me.” Magnus paused, inhaling a slightly while taking a few steps towards me. “I will find you and then I will let my men do as they please with you and once they are done you’ll be sold.” He paused yet again allowing a wicked smile to spread across his face revelling his almost rotten teeth.

Taking one final step towards me he shoved me against a tree, hand on my throat, “Understood?” he spat the words at me through gritted teeth. “Yes.” I managed to choke out as he released his death grip.

It wasn’t the fact that Magnus would personally hunt me down if I tried to double cross him, it was the fact that he would leave me for his men that scared me the most. The thought of it alone made my skin crawl. All the things they could do, all the possibilities. Magnus coughed pulling me out of my mind shutting the images out as he walked away.

It was hours later after I had finished packing supplies and prepping the horse did I finally leave. It was just unfortunate that I wasn’t able to escape another lecture and warning from the Magnus’s camp patrol officer.

I was unsure of how long it would take me to get to No Fay’s Forest especially since I was crossing through the most dangerous part of the land, troll swamp.

It didn’t take long to reach the swamp as we had set up camp close by in order to scope the place, which meant that by the time sunset had fallen upon me I was ready to make camp.

I knew sending Valentina out on this hunt alone was a risky decision to anyone who didn’t or wouldn’t understand my thought process, which was basically everyone in the clan. But I knew one thing it was that Valentina was the only one who would be able to complete the job without dying. She was a survivor, not alone that but she knew more about the world outside the can than anyone including myself.

It was just unfortunate that even with this knowledge the others still did not agree and the fact that she had tried to escape on multiple occasions wasn’t helping my case. Which is why I made the threat in the first place. The one thing Valentina hated most in the world was losing control over her space. The girl was not scared of death, torture not even being burned alive.

There was only one problem with my threat, I didn’t think I could follow through with it. When my farther first bought Valentina from the fight club we had almost become friends, until my farther became il and I had to separate myself from her in preparation for the role of clan leader. While she hasn’t trusted me since I couldn’t bare the thought of others touching her.