Thomas Prusinger's shoes clacked on the cobblestone street as he walked toward the village church. He wobbled left and right, holding the beer bottle against his lips every few steps. Under the moonlight he blended in with the other drunkards on the street.
He narrowed his eyes and looked at the dark stone church, its one steeple lit by a single lamp, a sign of respect for the dead. His nose twitched, smelling smoke, and Thomas realised that not only was he seeing the candle, but flames coming from the field behind it.
Thomas scraped his palm against a rough, finding grip to prevent his legs from falling out beneath him. “Bloody building.” He cursed the bricks, squinting to see speckles of blood on his hand. He took a swig of beer to numb the pain.
As he made his way around the church, he felt the smoke tickling the hairs in his nose, but there was something else to the smell; a pungent odour, a scent which didn't belong in good ol' working England. He dropped the beer bottle, raising his hand to cover his nostrils. Right in the middle of the field was a pile of bodies, their silhouettes illuminated by the flames which were curling around them.
“What the bloody 'ell is this?” Thomas shouted at a hooded man, standing beside the fire. The figure stood motionless and did not reply until Thomas fell into a pile of ash just metres away from the burning bodies, his legs finally giving way.
The hooded man turned around, concealing his body with the cloak he wore. “Good evening, Mr Prusinger. What brings you out here at this time?”
Thomas stiffled a laugh, the ash felt like sand between his fingers. “What brings yer out 'ere, hey mister? Covering up someth'n, eh?
The man nodded his head, concealing a smile, and stepped forwards, holding out his left hand for the drunkard to take. Against the black cloak, the man's skin seemed as pale as the morning frost. “May I help you stand, Mr Prusinger?”
Thomas lifted his hand and smacked it on the man's. “Of course, ye can, ya bludging murderer.” Sparks flew from the pile of bodies and ash danced around the flames, jumping up and down every now and then like bugs around a light bulb. Thomas felt phlegm rise in his throat, the odour not mixing well with the alcohol in his system.
“Your family must be missing you.” The man stared directly into his aquaintance's eyes, ignoring the pile of corpses behind him. “Hadn't you better go home to them?”
“Hah!” Thomas twirled around, raising his arms. “I work all day to feed 'em, an' I can't have a swig or two?” He poked the man's chest, causing him to step backwards out of the drunkard's reach. “Ya musn't have family of yer own, if ya think I want ter spend with them!”
“I believe you are extremely lucky to have your family, Mr Prusinger, it would be polite of you to treat them with respect.”
Thomas stepped forwards and pushed past the man, he knelt beside the fire and gagged, his throat stung as vomit poured from his mouth. The crackling of the fire was the only sound heard for several minutes. The hooded man stood in the same position, watching Thomas' every move.
“So how'd yer get away with this?” Thomas waved his hand at the bodies, jerking hiis arm backwards when a flame brushed against skin. “All this murder?”
“There is an illness, Mr Prusinger, you best not get too close to them.” The man signalled back towards the church and said sternly, “Go home to your family, Thomas.”
Laughing still, he did as the man ordered and stood up, hobbling back to the stone building. Turning his head, Thomas saw the hooded figure return to his place by the fire and raise his arm. Flames illuminated the man's hand. “Bloody murderer.”
End of chapter
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139,811 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Eerie start! Definitely has some spooky undertones. The nighttime, church with a single candle, ash and flames, all add to the atmosphere.
I wasn't super sure who the MC is supposed to be. Since we followed Thomas so much in the beginning, I assumed he was going to be the guy. Then it became apparent he was meant to be someone we dislike, with the way he talks to the hooded figure and the way he talks about his family. Honestly I was a little disappointed. I thought it was kind of a fresh twist to start out with the MC drunk and out of sorts--it makes him a bit more human, since so often that's used to paint a character as bad an expendable. But... turns out Thomas is meant to be bad and expendable. I found this device a bit tired and cliche, to be quite frank. It's like that old adage how if you show a character kicking a dog, we automatically know he's the bad guy. To me, it felt like kind of a cheap trick with a one-dimensional character. :S Sorry to be harsh, but like I said, I was disappointed to find out that Thomas seems to be a throw-away character.
That part aside, I still am not sure if the hooded figure is going to be the MC, or kind of an external force and we'll meet the real MC later. I really liked the chilling dialogue at the end with the veiled threat about the "illness." Very nicely done!
Technique-wise, I think one thing you could consider is removing filter verbs, because I noticed a ton of them. Verbs like saw, felt, heard, looked, thought. They basically place an extra step between the reader and the scene, rather than just describing things directly. The character acts as a filter, if you will. Eg "He saw people dancing down the street" vs "People danced down the street."
Thanks for sharing, and happy writing!
Happy Review Day!
This piece is, for the most part, sound. The characters are what really drive this piece. As for the wording, well...it can be iffy.
I feel like pressing would work better here, holding sounds a bit too coordinated.
A rough...what?
Nostrils specifically? Wouldn't he have covered his whole nose?
Stifled, I believe.
His.
The imagery is excellent, and while the word choice could be changed, it's really up to you, since you're responsible for the mood the writing creates.
The plot of the piece is excellent, but Thomas seems to notice the oddest things when he's drunk. I makes little difference, though.
Overall, this is an enjoyable work, one with an excellent quality of atmosphere. Cheers.
-Chaser
Zutara forever. I ship it so hard.
I definitely like the story. I like the setting and the time period and the romantic darkness. The writing was sometimes awkwardly worded, but other than that, the writing style was nice and easy to read.
Keep writing!