Stepping into The World’s Bank is like stepping into a mall on Boxing Day. Everyone seems to be there, and all its patrons know each other in some way or another. It’s the bustling heart of the community, and large enough to hold a hundred busy-bodies.
Two massive stone pillars hold up a triangle roof. One of the pillars has a crack running across it- though there’s no threat to anyone’s safety- and children are always swinging around it. Sitting outside the bank, on its wide steps, is a range of characters: your typical boot-varnishers, lovers sharing chips, and mothers pulling at their giggling kids.
Step inside the chunky wooden doors and you’ll see the five tellers’ stations, each with gold bars separating staff from customers. You wouldn’t notice the separation, the staff are always so friendly. You might wonder if they’re really paying attention to counting the money, they always seem to be looking at you, smiling and chatting about how you spent the weekend. There’s even an old lady who’s been there since she was nineteen, and the bank recently held a community celebration for the seventy-eighth birthday. You can remember the delicious chocolate cake they served.
Before you get to the tellers, however, there are five lines with red flags on gold poles dividing them. Once you pick a line, you’ll find yourself conversing with whoever’s beside, in front or behind you. The World’s Bank is where all the town’s gossip is heard, but no one seems to mind. Unless something bad is being said about them, in which case they’ll storm over to the brass coat stand, pluck their jacket off it, and head outdoors to calm down.
Behind the tellers’ stations is a carved-stone wall with intricate lions and vines, climbing up to the ceiling which holds a beautiful crystal chandelier. It’s so bright that it lights the entire bank. In the far wall is another set of wooden doors, though smaller than the entrance, and these hide the staircase which leads down to the vaults. No one knows what it looks like, down there, but everyone thinks the vault is full of glistening gold.
If you’re walking out of the bank slowly, you might take a moment to pause at the door and say hello to the security guard. He wears a navy blue uniform and is as kind as ever, but always looks at you suspiciously until he’s certain you’re not up to no good. Forgive him if his attention wanders- he’s the security guard, after all.
Walk back down the steps, dodging people as your shoes clank on stone, and turn back around to admire the building. It looks ancient, with its classical stone pillars and that triangle roof. The bank is so massive, looming over the entire town. It’s a happy place, with the children running around and friends sharing stories about their weekend. The World’s Bank marks the centre of the town. No one would argue that it deserves its photo on the front page of the district’s tourist brochure.
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139,798 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hi!
OK so I really did enjoy this piece. I love simple pieces like this with a lot of detail. It's easier to see peoples emotional connection with that detail. I think you do a good job with the amount of detail you have, however I think the piece is lacking emotional connection. It seems sort of like what was said in other comments; like an advertisement or brochure. If that's what you're going for then it works really well. However, if you're going for a very emotionally attached piece, then I think you should add some nostalgic stories or some comedy. Make the reader feel what you want them to feel.
Keep up the good work!
E
I feel like this is less of a short story and more like an add or description. Don't get me wrong, I do like your work. However, almost all of it is really boring. Add some dialogue for a change. Maybe some conflict that is resolved in your location. Just spice it up a little! Remember, most people are looking for short stories when they go to the short stories sections. God bless.
Hi, Dracula.
I just reviewed "The Yellow Hen cafe". The World's Bank is once again a warm, cheerful place.
You really have a vivid imagination and a knack for describing places. Once again, I'm not sure it qualifies as a short story. It reads more like an article from a travel magazine.
You write really well. Your descriptions are very good. Now, it would be good if you added a little bit of a plot in this.
Hi, Dracula! Pan here to fry up a review.
I do have to agree with Sweetsinger that this isn't really a short story, because there's no real plot to it. It is more like a description from a larger piece, and I think it would operate better incorporated into a narrative. However, I'll critique it for what it is. Let's start with the good stuff.
I really like the idea of it, this huge, glorious bank at the centre of a community, so very unlike the poky little one in my own town. I love your attention to detail in parts of the description; the cracked pillar in particular was a great image, really giving texture to the place. It's a description that opens questions in my mind and makes me want to learn more about the place. I'm intrigued as to how a bank has become such a social hub, why everyone loves it so much, why the local community is so familiar with the workers that they were invited to share in a birthday celebration for one of them. It suggests a familiar yet unfamiliar kind of world to me, one that I'd love to know more about in a bigger story.
As far as improvements go, I think some of your description is a bit telling. The fact that you continually inform the reader how nice the workers are rather than showing it makes me feel a bit like 'okay, well, I'll have to take your word for it'. I think this is a consequence of the fact that the piece is written in second person, which means you don't really have the scope to write active scenes with dialogue. If the same description was written in third or first person, you could more easily integrate moments of discussion between a character and a staff member, showing actual evidence of their welcoming manner.
I think you could stand to use more sensory description, too. The piece focuses almost entirely on the visual, but the visual alone isn't enough to make it tangible. What does the bank smell of? Ink? Polish? The metallic tang of money? And what can you hear, as well? Maybe the hum of conversation in the queues and the shift of footsteps as people step forward? Is it hot or cold inside? By thinking in more than one sense, you create a full, four-dimensional landscape around the reader. I'm not saying you have to go overboard, but the odd line about sound and smell can really enrich a description.
There's not a great deal more to say given the briefness of the piece and the fact that it's purely descriptive, but hopefully this helped. Don't hesitate to PM me if you've any questions.
Keep writing!
~Pan
that's nice but it is more like a description not a short story. my suggestion is that try for a more story like like feel for the reader may feel bored after reading it. Go for a character, a plot and because its a short story keep it short. you may feel like I am talking like a critic but the general idea I got after reading the story was that it was more of a descriptive article or a factual description of world bank, not that I mind but then if it is so then you need to change your genre to that.Try to keep your ending more related to the subject not and abrupt one like you have now. I agree to your point of its photo but then again its giving a feel more of a description not a short story. And try to be more creative an d imaginative.... Frankly, it bored me. If you want to write about banks, then refer to descriptions of gringotts in The Harry Potter Series...