Every once a year,
He lives inside a
fridge.
Mind frozen,
Body shivering,
Thoughts clotted
For that day.
Life inside the ice
world,
Ain’t always beautiful.
His
warmness dies there,
As he develops a
cold feet!
Everything looks saturated
Till the fridge is wide shut!
He finally chills out,
After the exam results
are announced.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
Margo here for a review on this fine review day. Your title was more than intriguing. It hooked me and--here I am!
I must say I don't think this poem quite lives up to its title. You need a little more pizzaz! It sounds like you're trying to capture an elobarated version of 'frozen with fear.' But it falls flat.
Add a little grotesquerie in this. Describe the contents of the freezer. His brain--among others. Describe the condition of the brains, along with his body. Don't out right say 'he's frozen with fear because he's anticipating his exam results.' Too obvious! Let us use our minds to figure out your message. Make it clever. Clever is good.
Try something like this:
Brains reside
in crystal freezers--
the clotted thoughts and
empty eyes
staring at empty woes.
Life inside the crystal freezer
for a man--
his shivering lips; his stiffened fear
all verging on self-loathing shards.
A freezer wide shut. Optional escape--
for dying anticipations to weild.
Calculative emotions for calculative results.
A cold war for a man in a freezer.
A little thought provocation for you. You've got potential with this. Follow through and blossom your poems! Your winter will turn to spring--I know it will!
A good work is never done.
--MS
Hi DrFeelGood! Happy review day!
So this poem was suggested to me by a new friend, CatLover211, and she told me it was quite humorous. After reading this, I agree with her! I couldn't keep myself from laughing at the end when I knew why he was in a freezer. Though I don't have the experience of final exams (I am 12), I know how it feels to be nervous about a test or anything of the sort. I'm the kind of person who freaks out if they get lower than a B+ or something. Anyway, to your poem.
I understand that you wanted this poem to be random and spontaneous, which it succeeded in being, so I took a second to understand the format of the poem before writing this.
First of all, I noticed in the title you said the man was in a freezer, but in the poem you called it a 'fridge' (refrigerator). Is the man in a refrigerator or a freezer? I don't understand. I know you probably said fridge to make the poem flow better than it would have if you substituted all the 'fridges' for 'freezers', but maybe changing the title a bit would help it match up better.
Other than that, I didn't find anything that should be corrected/that falls outside the lines of the poem being strange and random as you wanted it to be. Wonderful poem and I really liked it! It was humorous and entertaining and I really like the 'strange/random' effect you have going for it. Thanks for a great read!
Happy review day and keep up the fantastic writing!
~Em101cats~
Thanks for your review!
Do I need to chuckle a bit after reading this? The last stanza reads a bit funny. ._. Anyway, here I am to review!
The poem is short, and going with the length, the message should be clear. "My dog died. I cried." Two sentences long but manage to convey a solid message. This one here, unfortunately, doesn't do that.
This is a basic poetry tips but remember, a poem is simply line breaks with words very carefully chosen. There is no problem in word choice here but there is problem in the line breaks. If I put them together the lines, it would be like this: "Every once a year, He lives inside a fridge." Is He Jesus, what with the pronounce being capitalized? I'm pretty sure he's not, so let's fix that. The comma also is not needed, it's simply a break when it comes to poems, and the line breaks serve that purpose already.
Tw short lines, need more explanation. Why does he live there? Where? How? Hmm, these questions would have interesting answers depending on the answers.
When put into the context, I agree with this. Who likes living inside the ice world when it's a fridge? O.o When put into other context (like a place full with snow) I would disagree. xD
These lines interrupt the poem. I mean, at the beginning we've already knew he's in a fridge, and here it looks like there's a time he's out of it until he's in there again. For what reason? If there's no reason, you can erase these lines or put them somewhere fitting at the beginning.
I like the wordplay. And here we've seen the reason why he stays in the fridge. Or maybe we haven't. Or maybe the fridge is a metaphor to the painful waiting for the exam results. No one knows. It's not clear here.
Despite what I've said, I do enjoy reading this poem. It's simple and some parts of it are true. Just remember the line breaks, the formats and the preciseness of delivering ideas! Keep up the good job!
i wanted this one to be bizarre, by bizarre, I mean really bizarre If you were left with a "-_-" reaction, that is exactly what I wanted.
I appreciate your honest opinion, but I really wanted the link breaks random. Thanks for the wonderful review, will make some changes there!
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Hi there DrFeelGood, and happy review day!
I found the title really intriguing and wanted to read more immediately.
I'm assuming, based on the first and last lines, that this is describing a final exam season. I thought the freezer/fridge metaphors were quite interesting and certainly not what I would have thought of associating with stress, for example. So I guess for that reason, I'm left a little confused, as I can't quite grasp why it feels like being frozen or cold. There's a couple of pointers - "clotted" thoughts and "cold feet" that seem to go with the theme, but other than that, I'm not sure why these metaphors are chosen to represent this particular thing. I was also a little underwhelmed by all the "cold" words - frozen, chill, shivering... I feel like you don't explain the feelings enough, so you just say something is frozen, but not how it feels like, for example. So I'm left a feeling you went with these words because they go well with the fridge idea, but they could really be any words since you don't really delve deeper into them.
So, main impression: refreshing, new theme, but it's a little confusing to the reader at the moment, although it is quite a nice, humorous poem!
Demeter
x
I get this poem- it's a guy who gets nervous about his grade on an exam, and he shields himself until after the results come out. I really like the 'cold' tone here, because it is a really hot July (almost a cooler August) and I want to have snow again.
Happy writing from one writer (me) to another (you). Congratulations, I am very happy with this poem.
Your first line told me that it's an annual test...so I assume that it's a person who goes through school and takes a test every school year, like the OAA's, or the PARCC tests, or SAT's, and on and on. The 2nd line set off the poem in a humorous way and I loved it. You certainly are one of the people who makes a crazy or unreal statement, then builds off of that into writing or dreams or a tangent. We need more people like that.
You have good punctuation, good capitalization, and good vocabulary. The last two lines add to the hidden humor, and are quite funny. You said "His warmness dies there" which would that be his soul? Like, is he feeling different or alone or just changed because he's so nervous about the exam grades? I hope I guessed right and didn't offend you.
The only thing I would change are "As he develops a cold feet" which I think you should take out the 'a' since 'feet' are plural. It should read "As he develops cold feet". Other than that quick little fix, I have nothing else negative.
This is a great poem, like a Dr. Seuss! I really enjoyed it. I liked it very much- short, simple, and worth smiles and laughter. If you'd like, you can check out my poems under my author name CatLover211. Other than that, I wish you happy reviewing! May the best bender win!!