I want to say this is tasteless and without nuance as a nihilistic joke (ahahaha death, no), but in a fourth or fifth reading, I'd prove myself a potential liar--or rather ignorant in some regards. This has inference potential, and I want to talk about what I took from this.
"what it takes to achieve it"
"alone on the street"
"hunting for some water"
"requested for a glass of water"
Okay. Inference tells me Joe is homeless at this point. There's some storytelling confusion when you mix in the fact that Joe wanted to date the woman, but I suppose that's an additive desire, so I can't blame you for putting it in. Then, there's the reality vs. expectation equate betrayal equate break equate break equate break after break after break, and Joe, who from context is poor, commits suicide.
What is missing, I think, is something to make the final line less of a non-sequitur. Ya feel? As it stands it feels as if something you'd hear FROM a tasteless, ill-nuanced nihilistic joke, and I'd rather you evade that. Just a skosh of padding. Not necessarily more context or clues or anything. Just padding.
Experiment and reflect.
Ty
Points: 1626
Reviews: 745
Donate