Drinking a glass of water ...

Lumi

Review

Lumi wrote a review · Wed Mar 15, 2017 9:32 pm

I want to say this is tasteless and without nuance as a nihilistic joke (ahahaha death, no), but in a fourth or fifth reading, I'd prove myself a potential liar--or rather ignorant in some regards. This has inference potential, and I want to talk about what I took from this.

"what it takes to achieve it"
"alone on the street"
"hunting for some water"
"requested for a glass of water"

Okay. Inference tells me Joe is homeless at this point. There's some storytelling confusion when you mix in the fact that Joe wanted to date the woman, but I suppose that's an additive desire, so I can't blame you for putting it in. Then, there's the reality vs. expectation equate betrayal equate break equate break equate break after break after break, and Joe, who from context is poor, commits suicide.

What is missing, I think, is something to make the final line less of a non-sequitur. Ya feel? As it stands it feels as if something you'd hear FROM a tasteless, ill-nuanced nihilistic joke, and I'd rather you evade that. Just a skosh of padding. Not necessarily more context or clues or anything. Just padding.

Experiment and reflect.
Ty

DrFeelGood

DrFeelGood replied · Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:49 am

It's Indeed an incoherent, tasteless nihilistic joke!

MeisterChan

Review

MeisterChan wrote a review · Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:47 pm

Hey, DrFeelGood! ScytheMeister here for a quick review

First of all, Haha! Whilst reading, I did imagine this as some kind of joke/humorous piece, until the last line of course, which in turn made me recall the first line.

There's a story in everything, there's an enigma in every story.

The story may present itself as a joke, the man thirsty for water, but as they say "Read Between the Lines."

I'm going to suggest my interpretation of this.

Alright, so you start the poem with "There's a story in everything, there's an enigma in every story", clearly the glass of water is a representation of something. I gather, from the inclusion of the romantic interest, that the water has a relevance to that idea.

My interpretation is that Joe wanted more from the young woman - a relationship - but she declined. She had no feelings for him.

glass = Relationship

Bottle = Friendship

He is saddened by her rejection and so he commits suicide.

I hope I was correct on my take of the meaning.

In terms of grammar and structure, it does need some altering. There are a few sentences with a few words that need changed to something more suitable and the layout should be more accustomed to a poem, as that is what this piece is supposed to be. I'll write my improvements in one whole piece:

There is a story in everything,
An enigma to every story.

Drinking a glass of water,
It is not as easy as it may seem.

Joe had thought otherwise.
Little did he know what it took to achieve it.
For drinking a glass of water is not everyone's cup of tea.

He learnt it once;
He was out on the street
When he wanted a glass of water.
However, there was no glass on the street
Nor a fountain of water

He was searching for his desired drink,
All alone on the street.

He managed to meet a gorgeous lady
Whom he had requested a glass of water from.

The glass of water was but an excuse, of course,
Joe had dreams of dating her since he was 2.

She invited him to her house, nonetheless,
but rather than a glass,
She offered him a bottle.

He had wanted the glass,
Not the bottle.

Betrayed and hurt,
He committed suicide.

I hope my review is of some kind of help to you! Thanks for writing this, I loved it! <3 I hope to read more of your work, Keep writing.

-ScytheMeister

DrFeelGood

DrFeelGood replied · Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:53 pm

Thanks for the review. Just to clarify, there is no deeper meaning. It's just balderdash. It creates an impression that it's profound but it's nothing. That's the reason it ends so abrupt and unclear.

It's just ironically stupid.