A/N: Want to expand this into a novel! Share your thoughts :)
Tired was he of hate
and anger,
The society had put
all hopes on hanger.
“Men of Hate!” was
trending on twitter,
The world it seemed
was crooked and bitter.
He saw a pair, of lens
on floor,
Size was small with a
radius of Bohr.
Appeared on earth from
nowhere it seemed,
The lens were made for
the world he had dreamed.
Destined he was to
pick them up,
Sticking them to his
eyes was the obvious pulp.
The lens were unique,
they radiated hope,
Even in moments which
seemed out of scope
Power they had to
multiply and increase,
Optimism was their
daughter, happiness was their niece.
An odyssey got started,
the world began to change,
The helplessly
positive guys had a demeanor quite strange.
Emotions of hate got
deleted from their genes,
Selfishness and greed got discarded by all means.
Poverty fell down, charity had a growth,
“Thou shall not hate!”
became the Hippocratic Oath
In the dreamland of a little baby, this paradise is very much real,
It is hoping to see such a heaven made of morals and ideals!
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140,477 Literary Works • 673,243 Reviews
Heyaa DrFeelGood!!
This is Eros here to review this beautiful poem of yours!!
It was really really great poem. I loved this very much. I like how you have mixed science in literature. "AWESOME!!" my heart is screaming. Can you hear it? I hope you hear it from my review. xD
So, now let us begin with the systematic review.
The title. The title is catchy, attractive, and captivating. I liked this.
The choice of words you used suits the poem. I want to appreciate you for one more thing and that is the rhyming scheme. Incluing rhyming scheme in the poem and that too without distubing the meaning of the poem is a really hard job.
I like how the poem flowed. It was really beautiful.
The theme was unique and the idea was amazing. It was a SUPERB work.
I would now end up my review by saying:
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading your amazing works!!
Have a great day/night!!
I love it! Cute and optimistic!
You did a nice job with rhyming, vocabulary and description.
One thing though: " Sticking them to his eyes was the obvious pulp". What's that mean, the "obvious pulp"?
The first stanza is really good, as well as the last! Once again, this poem drips awesomeness. Thumbs up to you!
Mysticalxx
i like the optimistic tone in this poem [lol]. keeping the fuss apart i really like this piece, it is charged with positivity which is one of the things i love mose in poems.
however i would suggest some flaws to be corrected
first of all "Optimism was their daughter, happiness was their niece" i think here you were restricted by the lyrical scheme so you chose this phrase. something more fitting the situation would be preferable.
then the poem is too dreamy to be real... add some realistic touch to it else it appears fully fantasy- bridge that gap
overall i like the lyrical scheme and the poem itself
the theme is bright and cheerful
keep writing
Rituparna..
I wrote this after a long gap. I realize I couldn't really bridge the gap between fantasy and reality. Check out my older poems. They're quite similar in approach but I feel the execution was way better compared to this one.
Especially, "Boy who hated Lefties" and "Dog who witnessed terrorism" Those are my personal favorites!
Hey DrFeelGood. Autumns here with my thoughts-
I instantly grew interested in the title. I must say, as such, I like the idea of there being an 'optimistic lens', so to speak. Yes, you can grow stories from this idea (as you've mentioned in your author note that you want to expand this into a novel).
About the poem's body though- at many places, there is this desperate attempt to rhyme, which at times, gets pretty awkward, tbh. Spend some time thinking whether the rhymes you're using sound natural or not. I'm not trying to discourage you from rhyming, there are lines where your rhymes totally fit and sound natural, for instance:
Speaking in terms of rhyming ends, these work fine, they sound natural. But there are others which simply don't work, like:
I would suggest that you try writing the poem in free verse and then, maybe compare it to this version, and decide for yourself which one works better. Or maybe you can keep the rhymes but replace them with words other than niece, pulp, Bohr and Hippocratic Oath which are not even remotely related to your poem. A lot of the imbalance and digression that has occurred due to the forced rhymes would disappear.
I hope I could help. We're all learners here.
Love,
Au.
Thanks a lot for this wonderful review. Will surely rework on the forced rhymes.
About the plot, it's quite a weird one to describe. I actually want some suggestions for this one. It's not really about being an optimistic lens, it's actually a fantasy drama about unknown lens which appear from nowhere and stick on ones eyes. When you wear these lens they kill all feelings of hate in you.
The story which I have in my mind is the optimistic changes seen in the society as these lens begin to multiply and even the most hateful people can't help but spread only joy and laughter. And right at the end it is revealed that this paradise world was just a dream of a newborn baby who is hoping to live in such a world.
I don't know whether this looks any good. I am actually planning to publish the plot here and get some more feedback!
A lens which when used makes people look at the brighter side of things. That's what I was hinting at. It's a nice idea. The plot doesn't have to be too 100% utopian like 'all hatred disappears' or 'there's only happiness and love' but you can play with this idea to show that our way of looking at things matters etc etc. That would be interesting.
Keep writing.
Certainly not utopian. Actually want to spin a comedy around this theme. Thanks for the suggestions!
Hi.
At the beginning you say you would like to expand this into a novel. I'd be interested to see where you take this idea.
This is essentially a morality poem which is really interesting. I like it.
Your style is concise, with clear layout and I like the way you handle the structure of the whole poem. It shows that you have been writing poetry for I would guess... a pretty long time.
Nice work.
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I like to begin by saying that you should continue you this poem or idea that you have and make it greater (a novel, for example.) Also how there is some end rhymes happening throughout this poem makes it smooth and well-written.
Nitpick(s):
[Emotions of hate got deleted from their genes/b] A suggestion that you don't have to take but maybe change -got to -get [b]emotions of hate get deleted from their genes sounds more present then past (It is just a suggestion, you don't have to take it.)
Sticking them to his eye was the obvious plup This kinda confuses me since i mean i know he put the lens on his eyes but seems to make little sense.
Overall, i think that this poem is well-written with the end rhymes and the tone of the poem. Also how people could relate since we try to be happy about life and not notice the horrible things in life since those things could bring someone down.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Thanks for the review. Thinking of this theme since quite a while. That pulp line was just a reference to many of our popular scifis like "Mask" or spiderman.
You are welcome!