In the mystical flight I sit every year,
One hell of a fantasy tour.
***
To kick off a journey that knows.
The art of juggling with life.
***
Birthdays are best to be celebrated,
Forwarding and rewinding time.
***
Time Zone does the trick with ease,
Seizing moments at my will.
***
I know the worth of that day,
When I might skip or live it twice.
***
Birthdays don’t need parties now,
I’d rather cherish the jet-lag.
***
The jet-lag, I wish never goes off,
Of those timeless memories of life.
***
Memories of my parents being happy,
Me lifting my little sis for the first time.
***
That madness with my childhood pal,
The innocent attraction to my first crush.
***
Time Zone knows the trick, I guess.
I wish to fly this odyssey every year.
***
One hell of a journey, I promise it is.
Hope we take all take it, least in a year!
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This will be short and sweet because you've given something decent that suffers only from formatting horrorterror and sluggish momentum between preamble and meat.
So the stanzas between "Seizing moments at my will" and "Memories of my parents being happy" are completely unnecessary; thus I suggest either cutting them, moving them elsewhere in the poem, or cutting them because that's the better choice. Coupling your lines together is unnecessary as well, and I'm curious as to why you chose to do this; however, that ultimately doesn't matter because author's intentions equate to zero in publishing.
The exploration of memories is where this piece really shines, and I would expect to see more intermittently cut between scenes on the plane, though you're not really giving us scenes on a plane; moreover giving us sentiment on a plane, and I'm getting really tired of all these sentiments on this plane. The memories, though, are golden.
If you decide to respond, do let me know why you made your particular choices, and if there are other memories you'd savor placing into the heart of the piece once you cut the unnecessary redundancies that are unnecessary.
All the best,
Ty
Hey Lumi, thank you for your review. The plane is just a tool I have used to show shift of time zones. I find it incredibly fascinating as we give so much importance to our birthdays. We celebrate, cut the cake, party with friends. What if we are shifting time zones on our birthday? That's the concept of the poem.
Pretty much inspired by this news I read the other day:
http://time.com/3987206/longest-birthda ... ime-zones/
We don't know which moment it's our birthday while we are shifting time zones.
I understand that towards the later half of the poem, I ended up using the cliched 'memories' of family thing which I originally didn't intend to. In fact, I get the feeling that I never really explored the core theme of the poem that well. May be the effort wasn't up to the mark.
Anyways, thanks for helping me out with this review!
Oooohh, @DrFeelGood. This spoke to me so deeply. Not only am I a lusty Motley Crue fan, I grew up traveling the country. I have felt that same feeling, of transcending time at thirty thousand feet, or perhaps at the top of some metropolitan sky scraper. This is the feeling I revisited while reading your poem.
"In the mystical flight I sit every year,
One hell of a fantasy tour.
***
To kick off a journey that knows.
The art of juggling with life."
Gosh, this could be my anthem. I loved the comparison of that daily grind as 'one hell of a fantasy tour'. That is beast. Also, you put a period after 'a journey that knows'. Was this intentional? Or perhaps a typo?
"Birthdays are best to be celebrated,
Forwarding and rewinding time."
Interesting concept, and perfectly stated. I never thought of birthdays as a tape of sorts, thinking back to past milestones, looking ahead to the future... pressing pause for just a day for contemplation. Nicely worded.
"Time Zone does the trick with ease,
Seizing moments at my will.
***
I know the worth of that day,
When I might skip or live it twice.
***
Birthdays don’t need parties now,
I’d rather cherish the jet-lag.
***
The jet-lag, I wish never goes off,
Of those timeless memories of life."
I'm not sure how many times I can say 'perfectly stated' without sounding like a broken record here. There is a madness in constant travel, a lot of deja vu's and sleepily muddling through what might be important moments. To 'know the worth of that day' is a gift. It is just too easy to sit in yet another god forsaken airport, look about at all the morons rushing around you, and have a FML moment. Kudos for noticing the difference, because I know people that don't.
...And here is where the 'been there' moment got just a tad weird.
"Memories of my parents being happy,
Me lifting my little sis for the first time.
***
That madness with my childhood pal,
The innocent attraction to my first crush."
Sometimes people will ask me what my favorite memories are, and my answer always harks back to a place and a time that found me traveling with my family, because it was the only time my parents didn't fight. They seemed happier, more patient with each other, when we were gathered in some hotel room, or driving a car that wasn't our own. Also, I too have a little sister, whom I watched grow up all over the country. Coincidence aside, I read this as almost a stream of conscious. It was, as ever, nicely worded.
"Time Zone knows the trick, I guess.
I wish to fly this odyssey every year.
***
One hell of a journey, I promise it is.
Hope we take all take it, least in a year!"
A sweet and tidy ending to a stellar poem, in my opinion.
I have only rarely experienced this, reading or watching something, and having a 'wait a minute that's my life' moment. Forgive me for geeking out in what should be a constructive review, but holy crap!
Thank you for sharing this, DrFeelGood. You brought me back to what feels like another time, in my life. I have no literary of grammatical errors to point out. This was an excellent piece.
If I can help you with anything, feel free to drop me a PM.
Write On,
-mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com