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Young Writers Society



A Janitor's Adventure: 3.1

by ExOmelas


Once the ship was recharged - that had been what "heat up the ship" meant - they clambered back up the steep wooden steps. Each step took a good bit more effort than on the way down, so they were travelling slowly enough for Janny to realise just how many bumps were jutting out the steps from all angles. Even through his thick workman's boots he could feel them. This was no problem, of course; he briefly reformed his feet whenever they felt pressure and managed to level out the terrain.

As he ascended the small ramp beside the craft, and ducked through the doorway, a little beep sounded. A moment later the craft’s interior dimmed. Ennet, who was leading, continued straight forward into the little empty space behind the chairs. He lengthened his legs and stepped over the chair’s back, then plopped himself down. Janny turned instead to Grescin, who was bringing up the rear.

“Don’t worry,” she said, gesturing forward with her head, “That’s just the craft logging on to the stealth field. Come on, we only have a set amount of time before it runs out.”

Janny nodded and pressed forward, flattening himself against the window opposite the doorway so that Grescin could get past into her chair.

“Get in!” Grescin shouted all of a sudden.

“Do you have to check your bets every time you start up the ship?” Ennet rolled his eyes and tapped his navigation screen with his knuckles. “We have to get going.”

Grescin shook her head. “No, not that. Although… Right, yes, sorry. It’s the autopilot. It’s come on automatically. That should mean…”

Ennet tapped a couple of symbols that Janny couldn’t read from looking over his shoulder.

“Belter!” Ennet agreed.

“What? What is it?” asked Janny. Something was starting to itch at him, but he wasn’t even close to putting his finger on what it was.

Grescin twisted around to face him as Ennet tapped a few more symbols. The back of the chair was actually quite curved, so it wasn’t the easiest motion for her. “The autopilot is only available once you’ve made a journey enough times that it knows what it’s doing. You’ll see why that’s such a big deal once we’re out there.”

“Okay…” Janny said, still not feeling satisfied about whatever was bothering him.

They started to drift forward in the darkness, the lights on the wall having also been turned off by the stealth mode activation. The only light any of them were really seeing by was the red path tracker on Ennet’s screen showing them the route the autopilot was taking.

The wooden shutter over the cave mouth had come down at some point Janny hadn’t noticed. But as it screeched back up behind them he realised he actually had heard it happen, but had been too busy eating to pay the noise much heed. This close it was excruciating. He turned around to watch as it juddered into place, wobbling a little. It was bumpy, like the stairs.

Ennet winced, but was still grinning in the reflection Janny could see in the front window. “Sorry about that, mate. We built that ourselves. Personal craftsmanship isn’t really either of our strong suits. But hey, when you have a limited budget, you throw it all at radar stealth and long range navigation. I’m sure nobody will have actually heard that beyond the three of us.”

“Hence the beans,” Grescin said.

“I liked the beans,” said Janny. But though his tone was slightly defensive and high pitched, he felt some muscle in his body relax now that Ennet had explained that discrepancy in construction quality. By the gods, that had been going to bug him. That explained the itch.

The ship turned sharply at the corner and continued evenly forward, never wobbling up or down. Ennet grinned and leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head.

“Ah.” He sighed. “Paradise.”

He paid a bit more attention, hands hovering over the screen, as they passed through the tunnel opening and into the starry night. Both Scentians stayed incredibly still and silent, but there didn’t seem to be any other ships in sight, or on the radar.

“I’m going to turn off the stealth,” Ennet said as they drifted slowly into the sky.

Grescin looked round at him. “You want to take the cap off the speed?”

“Of course,” Ennet muttered. “Do I have your agreement?”

Grescin waved her hand. “Yes, yes, as long as it won’t bother the autopilot.”

“It’ll be fine,” Ennet said. He tapped the screen, then clutched the arms of his chairs.

A moment later the ship lurched forward and Janny was thrown forward into the back of Grescin’s chair. He absorbed the impact of the headrest in his stomach, but just as he was starting to reform the pressure below his feet squeezed him upwards. He found himself contracting into a little cube shape with legs and a head jutting out of his jumpsuit until his feet gave way and he tumbled backwards, landing against the back window of the ship. His form stretched all over the place as he regained his breath, slumped against the window with his legs splayed out.

“Ow,” he said.

“Oh, sorry, Janny!” Grescin cried, swivelling her head around and up so she could see him over the back of her chair. “This craft really wasn’t built for passengers. The Hub is much higher Y co-ordinate than here.” Grescin turned back to face Ennet. “Molin’s hammer, I forgot how steep that was. I wonder if we’d have even made it up with the stealth speed still operating.”

“I bet the damn TIPO ship doesn’t slow down for stealth mode. They’re all in permanent stealth mode,” Ennet muttered.

Janny looked to his right. The window was a little curved so he could just about see out. Some way off there was a big ball of green light, with forks of yellow streaking off in all directions. The forks flickered on and off, but usually reappeared where they had been seconds ago. Neither Scentian mentioned it, though it would have been hard to ignore even if you were looking straight ahead. But Janny, for some reason, could not look away. He lay with his head swivelled to the right, which is perfectly comfortable for a Daerian, and watched the forks spike outwards.

After about ten minutes or so, Grescin called over, “Hey, Janny! Stick or twist?”

Janny blinked, hardening his eyelids a little to try and tap his facial muscles into wakefulness. He drew himself up slowly, using the soles of his feet to compensate for the upward incline of the floor. As he followed Grescin’s frantic gesturing and stood behind Ennet’s chair, he realised that the navigational screen was no longer showing the autopilot’s route.

“Are you playing Jin Set?” Janny asked.

“We call it twenty-ones, but yes,” Ennet mumbled, frowning at the seven and eight cards in front of him. “Ah, screw it.” He tapped the right hand side of the screen. Another eight card appeared. He hung his head. “Dammit. Alright, Janny, you’re up.”

The screen reset and showed a ten card and a five card. Ennet looked up at Janny. Janny thought for a moment, thinking of the spectacular electrosphere, the tunnel hewn in the side of an asteroid, generally the whole absurd day he was having.

“Oh, I… er… I’ll stick, if you don’t mind.”


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Tue Jul 14, 2020 6:58 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

It looks like I've regathered some momentum after some sporadic reviewing in the past couple of days. Expect a hailstorm on notifications.

First Impression: Sounds a touch like a filler here but I assume that's because this is only Part 1 of 3 and besides we need to take some time to process all of what happened anyway.

Anyway let's get to it,

Once the ship was recharged - that had been what "heat up the ship" meant - they clambered back up the steep wooden steps. Each step took a good bit more effort than on the way down, so they were travelling slowly enough for Janny to realise just how many bumps were jutting out the steps from all angles. Even through his thick workman's boots he could feel them. This was no problem, of course; he briefly reformed his feet whenever they felt pressure and managed to level out the terrain.


Okay...more interesting information.

“Belter!” Ennet agreed.


I think that's better. No pun intended.

Grescin twisted around to face him as Ennet tapped a few more symbols. The back of the chair was actually quite curved, so it wasn’t the easiest motion for her. “The autopilot is only available once you’ve made a journey enough times that it knows what it’s doing. You’ll see why that’s such a big deal once we’re out there.”


You know that makes a lot of sense.
*takes notes for his new science fiction novel*

Ennet winced, but was still grinning in the reflection Janny could see in the front window. “Sorry about that, mate. We built that ourselves. Personal craftsmanship isn’t really either of our strong suits. But hey, when you have a limited budget, you throw it all at radar stealth and long range navigation. I’m sure nobody will have actually heard that beyond the three of us.”


Okay that makes a whole lot more sense in the context of having a collapsed economy.

A moment later the ship lurched forward and Janny was thrown forward into the back of Grescin’s chair. He absorbed the impact of the headrest in his stomach, but just as he was starting to reform the pressure below his feet squeezed him upwards. He found himself contracting into a little cube shape with legs and a head jutting out of his jumpsuit until his feet gave way and he tumbled backwards, landing against the back window of the ship. His form stretched all over the place as he regained his breath, slumped against the window with his legs splayed out.


Ouch.

"I bet the damn TIPO ship doesn’t slow down for stealth mode. They’re all in permanent stealth mode,” Ennet muttered.


That's interesting. So is that ship still pursuing them?

“Oh, I… er… I’ll stick, if you don’t mind.”


Ignore weird space object and get to game time I guess.

Aaand that's it.

Overall: Another great chapter. We're seeing a bit of bonding between these characters. At least a little tiny bit. And looks like things are going smoothly at least for the moment.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:31 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Bisc!!

I'm not even gonna try to make an excuse on how late this is, and I'm sorry <3

As he ascended the small ramp beside the craft, and ducked through the doorway, a little beep sounded. A moment later the craft’s interior dimmed. Ennet, who was leading, continued straight forward into the little empty space behind the chairs.


I pulled this down only because I found a few things, so:
1) the repetitive "little". It pads both sentences and honestly? Doesn't really add anything to the description.
2) "a little beep sounded" I mean, this could be tightened up/rearranged so it flows better. "There was a beep as he ascended the small ramp beside the craft and ducked through the doorway." (although you could argue that my version is long-winded so, pick your poison I suppose :P)

“Get in!” Grescin shouted all of a sudden.

“Do you have to check your bets every time you start up the ship?” Ennet rolled his eyes and tapped his navigation screen with his knuckles. “We have to get going.”

Grescin shook her head. “No, not that. Although… Right, yes, sorry. It’s the autopilot. It’s come on automatically. That should mean…”


It's probably just me like, having a brain mush, but I've read this section several times and I don't really understand what they're trying to say? It's Grescin's "Get in!" that trips me up, and then Ennet asking if she has to check her bets when she... doesn't seem to be doing anything? There's no description besides Janny waiting for her to go by him, so if she's supposed to be doing something that would clarify this...?

Sorry if this is super obvious and I'm just not comprehending but I'm,,, Confuse.

Something was starting to itch at him, but he wasn’t even close to putting his finger on what it was.


The second part of this sentence reads like he had been working on trying to figure this out for longer, but this is the first time it's mentioned? I mean, it's not so noticeable, but maybe: "Something began to itch at (his mind?) him, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was."

But as it screeched back up behind them he realised he actually had heard it happen, but had been too busy eating to pay the noise much heed.


(did he bring food with him? I didn't see this mentioned when they were boarding the ship, or leaving to board the ship? this is such an unimportant detail rip me)

A moment later the ship lurched forward and Janny was thrown forward into the back of Grescin’s chair. He absorbed the impact of the headrest in his stomach, but just as he was starting to reform the pressure below his feet squeezed him upwards. He found himself contracting into a little cube shape with legs and a head jutting out of his jumpsuit until his feet gave way and he tumbled backwards, landing against the back window of the ship. His form stretched all over the place as he regained his breath, slumped against the window with his legs splayed out.


I lOVE the description, and how his body like, reforms around to react to situation? That's awesome!


Also, that they start playing cards xD


I think I've said this a few times but I can't WAIT to find out how he ends up with Odela and the others. How did he escape Ennet and Grescin? Right now, Janny doesn't seem so defeated. Besides, y'know, getting kidnapped, nothing bad has happened to him (EXCEPT THE THREAT OF MEMORY WIPING?? I'M AFRAID)? What happens to so thorough put him out later with Lestili? UGH I know, I know, I'll find out soon.


I know I haven't said much about it, but I'm pretty happy with the pacing. It's a littile fast sometimes, but I know you wrote this for the Summer Novella Challenge, so it does have to move along. It's definitely not a bother! I think it fits the story, and it works in a nice contrast to Janny's more laid back voice.
Speaking of voice, while I think you could get it in Janny's head even more (when will I stop bringing this up), you've done a pretty good job of forming the style to his personality.


I also LOVE that Janny, even just subconsciously, notices the shoddy craftsmanship and he's like :( that's a neat little flavour!


I think that's all I have for you today! Hopefully I'll be able to catch up in a more timely fashion.

I hope you're doing well!! <333




ExOmelas says...


the "Get in" - took me ages to remember so I get your confusion, but it's not "get in the ship" it's "oh you beauty!" or just "yay!". Like, "yassss, get in there!" Hence the joke is that Ennet thinks Grescin is pleased by checking her gambling results, which is the kind of time someone might let out such an exclamation.

Thanks so much for the review! :D (and no rush haha)



mellifera says...


OH okay that makes so much more sense! I got it now haha

<3



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Sun Sep 08, 2019 5:35 pm
keystrings wrote a review...



Hey there, Dougal! I'm happy that you updated this story and I'm glad to swing these chapters out of the Green Room. ^^

So, since the last section ended with these three passengers discussing their actual planet's past history, this next chapter seems to be starting with the actual journey, or "adventure" if I may borrow from the title. I think that it says a lot (and is a little hilarious) by how clunky some parts of this new ship is especially that Grescin and Ennet admit that their budget went to more important aspects judging that this meant to be stealthy and all that good stuff. I think that it's a little ironic that so-called otherworlders (or at least I would say aliens judging by humans) have the confidence to acknowledge that things might not have been chosen right and not like regular people, but I digress. Keep up with these cool characters!

Also, I actually really like that the auto-fly has to get used to the trips and I think that might be an interesting note for later. But yeah beans are good. I agree with Janny. Let's see. I like getting some of these other senses here, especially because Janny now has the translation device on him to not have that interesting detail here. The noises though would also startle me absolutely. It doesn't surprise me that the ship wouldn't be modified too greatly to allow for a third member as this is the same ship that didn't do a great job at creating doors/systems because the money went to the stealth mode whoop.

I think this was a good chapter through and through! Also it's funny that they're playing the *same* game but they have different names like coke/soda/pop in the states.




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Fri Sep 06, 2019 1:32 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @DougalOfBiscuits I am here to do a review on another one of your chapters. Sorry this took so long.

Even through his thick workman's boots he could feel them. This was no problem, of course; he briefly reformed his feet whenever they felt pressure and managed to level out the terrain.
you made a great start to the chapter, I can really imagine all of this happening right now, I just can't believe how many bumps there are on these steps, it just sounds like so many hard bumps are covering these steps.

A moment later the craft’s interior dimmed.
it seams to be getting interesting all ready. I just kind of had this shiver going down my back at this bit. just to think that the interior dimmed, for me it just has some eary feeling to it.
I really like were this story is going so far, I can really feel myself launching right into were the characters are.

Ennet, who was leading, continued straight forward into the little empty space behind the chairs.
are you trying to make me quiver, lol, I just feel like this is a bit tens and it seams so sears. I like every character in this book I really do. You make everything sound so a live.
I do feel like there are somethings that your missing some of the time, I just feel like you missing the sounds that are pilling around them, is it silent right now, or are there little scary scuttling noises.
You are really getting me thinking, I am really intrigued or what is going to happen next, every time I read a new line its like, there is just something about to happen right at that instant. I mean the fact that they only have a serration amount of time. its really something that can get you quivering all over. like what if they lose that time then what will happen.

“The autopilot is only available once you’ve made a journey enough times that it knows what it’s doing. You’ll see why that’s such a big deal once we’re out there.”
Now my head is just filled with thoughts like, what is happening with the autopilot, are they going to be able to get going or are they stuck.
Janny seems very anoied by this hole thing, but at the same time Janny seams very sears at the moment, I mean if you said a jock that was really funny, I don't think any of them would laugh. Its like there dead sears and they just need to get things done. I really feel like the story is just pulling me in further and further. Its like very moment is just memorable and un forget able. I really like how your giving all of the characters such a sens of humor. also I don't think I have said this before, but I really mean it, I love the name to this story the fact that it has Adventure in the name just draws me in at ones, like what is the Adventure going to be like, so nice work on coming up with the name, I really love your story's your great at writing. I always feel like plot moving when I read I don't feel like anything is missing from the plot. every line is perfect. You make everything sound so real, and so meaning full. I must say out of all of the characters I think that Ennet is my favorite one.

So that is all that I can say about this chapter. If I was being to harsh or mean then I am really sorry pleas forgive me for it. So keep up the great work. I really love your story's.

I hope that you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews

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“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author