Last time, I was in a Govermental place. Where newbie goverment officals try to kill me
So I sat there waiting to die.
So that's what I did.
***********************************
I didn't get why they were arguing while I just sat there awkardly like I'm a baby." Are they really goverment officals?" I thought "Or are they just jerks?". I decided that the second one made more sense. Like, they seem alot more like argument officals than anthing else. So I used this to my advantage. I went to try and open the gate.
"He's opening the gate!" Cried that girl ( Was it Shariism or something like that?) Anyways, I actually managed to open the gate.
"Go get him, you fools!" said A.E.E.A.
But I was faster than light, and I opened the unlocked door and closed before they could come in.
"We're going to die!"One of them shouted
"There's not enough air!".
Better safe than sorry. I ditched them dying and tried to get up the skunky stairs.
"Get over here, Ring!".
I wasn't sure who was "Ring", but I ran through that hall-way, anyway. They probably opened the locked gate somehow. I looked back for a second, just to make sure, but when I looked in front of me, there was Shairisma. Plain and tall.
"We have something to discuss about" she uttered as she used something shiny right at me, only for me to faint.
*******************************************
"I had thank your speed" said which was probably Un-Nerd. "We're very lucky that we have that thing" said A.E.E.A. added. Un-nerd nodded in agreement. I was very sleepy and sick.
"Looks like Ring is awake" announced Un-Nerd
"Yep" replied A.E.E.A as he was typing something in his computer (Probably YWCing or tweeting, #Wefaintedaguy).
"Welcome to the family, Ring." said Shairisma.
"My name is Ring?" I uttered awkardly."Can you guys tell me what's going on?"
"Your turn, A.E.E.A.".
"After the crash, a worm larvea went to your body, it would make your last deep thought entirely true."
"Huh?"
"D.N.A worm cells, and your last so-called-thought was about annoying ringtones" Informed Shairsma.
"So you can make annoying ringtones to one's ears."
"This is dangerous, so we're gonna kill those cells"
But that was the moment when the most annoying-maddening sound came to all of their ears, simply way too annoying. It completly destroyed the entire place in just seconds. Nothing bad even went to me. It looked like all of them died at once, but again, better safe than sorry. And then I noticed that shiny thing again that was in dead,cold Un-nerd's hand. I got it up and discovered a red, rusty button in the middle of the cube-shaped figure. I clicked on it, and it made me go up faster than anyone's mind can imagine.
I was scared when I found the army right out there, with their guns all ready.
"Put your arms up!" cried one officer
And somehow that same sound came again, it didn't hurt me at all, but it was making them deaf. Probably made some of them very dead. I was too scared to even stay there, so I used that shiny thing again, went fast as I can. Hopefully I can hide for a while. But I didn't even know where I was heading, just straight in the streets.
"I should have never ran away" I thought. "Should have stayed waiting to die, would be a lot better". I simply guessed that the "sound" was really the most annoying ringtone in the entire universe. And that it was a threatened move. Anybody who would bother me would be hitten with it, deaf or dead, and I was immune to it. Completely immune.
I should suicide. That's the best option now.
******************************************
So, yeah!
Hope you like it!
EDITS:
Made spaces between dialogue.
Added a couple of sentences.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Jelly stuff! Careful, it bites! (3)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hey, Jello! (Wait, can I call you Jello?) Here for a review for Crafty Scribbles on this fine Review Day!
Spoiler
So, in short: this is good, there's just some parts that could be cleared up.
Spoiler
Spoiler
Also, I think I covered this last time but I'll put it here again. You NEED to start a new paragraph when a new person talks. Here's the original version of one example~
And here's the revised version~
Also, "cried" doesn't need to be capitalized. "That" would sound better as "the", I personally think. I recently learned that "anyways" isn't a word, and that it's just "anyway" and lastly, you need a "it" between "closed" and "before"
Spoiler
I. I think it's spelled "Government", and I honestly am not a 100% sure, but don't think "Governmental" is a word. "Government" works just fine in this sentence.
II. "Try" should be "tried"
IIII. I'm pretty sure it's spelled "official"
IIII. I personally don't think the last sentence of this quote is needed.
I. For past tense writing, it should be "like I was a baby"
II. After the quotation mark and "jerk" the period isn't needed.
III. The "like" I've crossed out isn't need.
IIII. I feel like you could merge the last two sentences together as "So I used this to my advantage, and went to try and open the gate."
I. Just remember the new paragraph when a re person speaks.
II. I think it would sound better as "I ditched them to die..." I'm also not sure if "skunky" is a word.
III. I think it would sound better as "I wasn't sure who "Ring" was..."
IIII. "Hallway" doesn't need a dash.
I. New paragraph when new person speaks
II. "I had thank your speed" doesn't exactly make sense. And the speech tag would read better as "said someone, who was probably Un-Nerd"
III. "Said A.E.E.A added" you only need "said" or "added, not both.
I. Space after comma
II. Period after "cells" and before quotation mark.
I. *Their* I think, I'm honestly not sure right now.
II. "Simply way too annoying" isn't needed, and makes the sentence repetitive.
There's a couple more, but I think you can find them with the things pointed out above.
Have a good day, and I hope I wasn't too harsh.
~Myth
Thanks!
Okay, so this chapter just made the story more confusing. There needs to be more description of places and people and easier to follow interactions between the characters. I noticed a few things that I wanted to point out to you that will probably help the flow and make it easier for the read.
First, thoughts don't need quotes if they are already italicized. Just make sure that they somehow stand apart from any dialogue.
Anyways is not a word. I saw that you wrote anyway later on but at the beginning you put anyways.
"who was "Ring"..."
"who "Ring" was..."
"and closed before they could come in..."
"and closed it before..."
"We have something to discuss about."
"We have something we need to talk about." / "We have something to discuss."
"she used something shiny right at me." She pointed something shiny right at me? I'm not sure what you meant to say in that sentence.
"I had thank your speed.."
"I had to thank your speed..."
"said A.E.E.A. added. Un-Nerd..." This sentence confused me.
I have some questions: When did we find out that he was in a government facility and that the people around him were actually government officials? what are skunky stairs?
Try to add in a little bit more description to make the story a little bit more clear as to where you are going with it. You're off to a good start. I hope this is helpful. Keep up the good work!
Thanks!