Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay, well the premise here certainly seems quite cool, but as far as first paragraphs go, this one does have a bit of journey to travel along before it can reach its full potential here. More details on all that down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

On April fool's day, a boy named Kamel Gergous ( Arabic name) was born in El Sharquia, Egypt.

This might surprise you, but 10% of people living in Egypt are Christian, mainly Coptic Orthodox Christians ( Kamel Gergous was a Coptic Orthodox). This means that other types of christainty has almost no idea what they are. Anyways, Kamel Gergous is a famous Monk. He trusted God his entire life. He become a Monk when he literally fell off a buliding.

Kamel was just as any other Egyptian family. He would work a lot to live. Later, when he was about 10-12 years old, his mother caught an illness. She suffered greatly, the entire family were worried about her. Then she later died, young Kamel cried asking God "Why, God, why?" as he slowly walked out of the room staring at a picture of his mother and Jesus Christ. Life become even harder for him, but the family managed to live safely for about 10 years or so.

Kamel's brother was seriously thinking about becoming a Monk, but he was too afraid to ask his father. However, one day he bulided up the courage to ask him. His father thought about it for a little, and accepted Kamel's brother request and was offically a Monk when an another Monk prayed on him so. Kamel's brother was very close to God, and was very happy there. However, after a few month or so, His father grew angry, he missed him that much. So he drove to the Monstary( technically a Church where monks are, usually in the middle of a desert.) and tried to get him out of the Monstary. Kamel's brother (Sorry, I couldn't find his actual name) was confused, begging his father that he wanted to stay. When his father dragged him out of the Monstary, he instantly died. (God was angry, probably).

His father was deepily depressed about it, and this somehow just gave interest to Kamel to become a Monk. But it seemed Impossible.

Seemed.

Hello, and Happy Review Day!!!!!
I found this piece very interesting. I enjoyed it very much. I also liked the fact that it was short, sweet, and to the point. Was it an actual, true story?
I found some nitpicks:
Capitalize the word "Christianity". It's a proper noun.
At the end, I suggest that you lowercase the "i" in "impossible". Was it capitalized for a reason. If not, then lowercase it.
The word "monastery" was misspelled a couple of times.

Anyway, you did a good job. I hope you write more of these stories. Keep up the good work. @fantasydragon01

Hey, DoubleOJell0! Artemis28, your friend, here to review your work for Team Tardis! Happy Review Day, Jell0!

So, first of all. A respectful thing and a spelling error. Capitalize "christainty" and spell it as "Christianity."

"This means that other types of christainty has almost no idea what they are."

Second, "become" should be "became", if you wish to keep the tenses. And, write out the number 10. It's supposed to be that way, in most books and all.

"Life become even harder for him, but the family managed to live safely for about 10 years or so."

"Bulided" should be "built." There's no such thing as "builded", either. Also... what do you mean another Monk prayed on him so? What is that, anyway? I think you should use something else other than those words, because future readers might be confused.

"However, one day he bulided up the courage to ask him. His father thought about it for a little, and accepted Kamel's brother request and was offically a Monk when an another Monk prayed on him so."

Here, it should be "monastery", not capitalized. It's also informal to explain what they are, with parentheses. You should probably just do it without. If you want to keep the parentheses, though, there shouldn't be a space after them. There should be, however, a space before them. And once you're done with the parentheses, there shouldn't be a punctuation mark in them, either. Just a comma outside of the parentheses.

"So he drove to the Monstary( technically a Church where monks are, usually in the middle of a desert.)"

When you're apologizing the middle of the piece about how you couldn't find Kamel's brother a name, it's also informal. I wouldn't do that at all. I suggest you quickly find a name for him.

Again with informal stuff... when you suggest that God was angry, it's completely unnecessary. You shouldn't be informal in your works, it doesn't do much for your quality. Also, you should clarify who died, because I was confused who did at first.

At the very end, monk and impossible shouldn't be capitalized. It's unnecessary.

This was very short--not really a good thing. I think you could elaborate on how the brother died, how the father acted when he got angry, that sort of stuff. But it was a nice concept, and I would like to see part two. You don't, however, have to advertise it at the end (informal as well). But I liked the idea! Keep writing, DoubleOJell0!

-Artemis28, Team Tardis

Hello, steampowered here for a review! I really hope this review doesn’t come across as being too harsh, because I’d love to be able to help you out with this. So apologies in advance if it does seem harsh – it’s really not my intention to tear your work to shreds.

I feel like this has a lot of potential. I mean, I don’t really know anything about Orthodox Christianity, nor am I particularly religious, but I think the premise is sufficiently interesting for me to want to read on. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a story about a monk before (especially not a story that takes place in a completely different culture) but I’d definitely read more based on this.

My first criticism with this would have to be the writing. As it stands it’s not written too well and I can’t always understand what some of your sentences mean. Now, bad (or should I say not-so-good) writing is something that happens to us all. My own first attempts at things are usually pretty atrocious. But you definitely need to proofread before you post, otherwise you’ll get a whole load of nitpicky reviews and not enough good quality feedback on the story as a whole. I’ll show you some of the sentences that didn’t make sense to me:

This means that other types of christainty has almost no idea what they are.

His father thought about it for a little, and accepted Kamel's brother request and was offically a Monk when an another Monk prayed on him so.

staring at a picture of his mother and Jesus Christ.

DoubleOJell0

I apologize in advance for the harness of this is review.

You should lose first sentence or make it matter. A good short story starts with something that catches the reader's attention and makes us desperate to read the next. Here's an example from one of my works.

"Tonkei woke earlier than he usually did to do a task he had never done before."

This is a very understated opening but it draws you in because it makes you curious. You want to know what Tonkei is doing that he's never done before. The key to a good short story is to find the interesting, find the thing that makes that one day in the character's life different and then show us where it takes that character.

The second paragraph is okay but you're relying too heavily on the reader's perception of hardship and maternal affection. Give us a reason why we should care that his mother's death. Give us something concrete to sympathize with. What is the thing he will most about her? Why is life harder now that she is gone? Did she provide income or emotional support for the family. You also need to describe how life became harder. When it comes to reading the delight is in the details.

The final paragraph should be split in two. One about the change in Kamel's brother and one about the response from their father. You'll find that separating them into paragraphs gives them both of them greater meaning and relevance.

Finally, I know this sucks to say and I hated to hear it myself. You have to edit before you post. Read it through till you get sick of it and then it's definitively ready for other eyes. Differences in style in writing are natural and part of the creative process but be sure there is a reason. I often write in Southern dialect which is not grammatically correct but I do so in order to make the story more believable. Focus on tightening up the grammar and style and you'll be well on your way to a great story.

Hey, Jello! I'm interested to see what this is actually about, since you mentioned April Fools, I'm wondering if there will be some humour. But I suppose I have to read it to find out.

Being the curious, English-speaking person that I am, I had to go google the name. Kamel means perfect, right? And Gergous sounds like gorgeous. This isn't a coincidence. I now expect your character to be 'perfectly pretty' but you named them that for a reason so they probably are.

This means that other types of christainty has almost no idea what they are.
Two nitpicks: Christianity* and has should be replaced with have. Is that what Coptic means? Like cryptic, because no one understands them?

and accepted Kamel's brother request and was offically a Monk when an another Monk prayed on him so.
This sentence needs a little bit of work. Since it is his brother's request, brother need the 's at the end. The last bit, about the praying, doesn't sound right either. A little rewording will fix it.

I like your use of the brackets to reveal information, plus the little bit of humour (though he's probably being serious) when he said God was angry. There are a few errors so just read through again to fix them, but otherwise you've got a nice story coming along. To me, it seems like picture-book material. Maybe once you've finished you could draw some funny stick figure illustrations to go with it.