Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Who ever thought of ringtones must have been annoying, but I heard that you're half-dead when you sleep, so ringtones and alarms ironically raise me from the dead. Anyways, I do all the stuff that I do after I wake up (no, I'm not telling you, stalker) and then drive right to work, a 5-mile ride.

Five miles isn't that far away, yet me, nineteen year old me is retarded, yep, that's the word.

Guess what? I crash. When you're about to crash, time goes slow; so slow you could think of a billion thoughts. And only a few of them thoughts will come true, such as paying money and you will always, no matter what, think this one thought: "Will I die?". That one too came true.

Very, very true.

This is an interesting introduction. I like the long way that you describe the annoyance of an alarm clock or in this case a phone playing an annoying ring tone. And then the description of the thought process of getting in a crash is great. While I've never been in a crash I've been in many situations where all of those thoughts are going through my head. I can't wait to read the next chapter! Keep up the good work!

*Looks at the floor* This is fun! *Looks at the computer* Oh! It's the jelly guy again! What's he up to now, and thats how I am here making a review


Ok, when I read this story, I thought the guy was in a hospital decribing what happened to a doctor since the story used alot of past tenses. Maybe I am wrong.

I agree with other two guys, I like how you expanded in what could have been a sentence

"I woke up from the alarm clock" to:

Who ever thought of ringtones must have been annoying, but I heard that you're half-dead when you sleep, so ringtones and alarms ironically raise me from the dead. Anyways, I do all the stuff that I do after I wake up (no, I'm not telling you, stalker) and then drive right to work, a 5-mile ride.

In the second paragraph:

Guess what? I crash. When you're about to crash, time goes slow; so slow you could think of a billion thoughts. And only a few of them thoughts will come true, such as paying money and you will always, no matter what, think this one thought: "Will I die?". That one too came true.

Very, very true.

**************

you did a mistake,


Guess what? I crash. When you're about to crash, time goes slow; so slow you could think of a billion thoughts. And only a few of them thoughts will come true, such as paying money and you will always, no matter what, think this one thought: "Will I die?". That one too came true.

Very, very true.

*******************

should have been:

So,guess what? I crashed, and you're about to crash, time goes slow; so slow you could think of a billion thoughts, and only a few of the thoughts will come true, such as paying money and you will always, no matter what, think this one thought: "Will I die?". That one too came true.

Very, very true.



*******************


Now bye and keep writing with your great mind!


~MrMuddyPig

Well, I have to admit that, for an introduction, this wasn't half-bad. It was interesting, to say the least. I like the dark humor that runs throughout this story. The introduction is serious, obviously, but I also found it to be a little comedic in nature. In particular, I like the beginning, when the narrator describes how ringtones technically 'raise you from the dead.' At the ending, when the narrator is discussing those billion last thoughts could be, when you are in an accident and just might die, I also like when it the said narrator describes how a few of those thoughts, such as paying money, will come true. In some odd way, this story both hardened my firmness and seriousness and softened me and my other feelings, and I liked it As such, this introduction is a nice balance of serious elements (the narrator's normal life, his mental state, and then the accident that kills him at the end of the chapter) and more comedic elements, and you did a wonderful job striking that order in your story.

However, I have to agree with SpiritedWolfe here; this introduction lacked many aspects that are important in writing. It was short, it lacked some information, and it was a little too quick for my tastes. While I understand that this is the introduction, and they normally are this short, I felt that you could've done more. In particular, I noticed that didn't get to know that much about the narrator. I learned about some of their personal thoughts, yes. However, I thought that I received only a few interesting bits about the main character's life, personality, and so forth. I didn't even get to know much about his daily life (although it was fun to see how the narrator refuses telling the reader. That was a fun touch to the story). The narrator was there, he complained about ringtones, and, two paragraphs later, he's in an accident and dies subsequently. While I am interested in seeing where this story could go, and I believe it has a lot of potential, the introduction simply doesn't provide much to enthuse me. I didn't get to learn about the narrator as a person, about the narrator's background, and more about the basic elements of the setting of this story, all of which could help portray the first chapter of this story more vividly and clearly in the reader's mind. I would like to see, however, how the narrator explains his death, his life story, and see the story that could develop from this introduction. In all, this introduction was lacking in some elements, but it also had some excellently-implemented elements, and I liked reading it.

In conclusion, well done! This story was fun, interesting, and flowed nicely. I like the balance that you struck between the dark humor and seriousness of the piece, and I look forward to seeing what this story could become. Nice job!

Hiya, Jello ~ Slightly late welcome to YWS ~ Hope you enjoy yourself here ^^ Let's jump right into the work!

Alright, now I see that in a little author's note you mention that this is "just the introduction", which does give us much to ride on. It's so short we don't get a good idea of the tone/voice or other aspects that are rather important. Also, think of this like a published book. An introduction of sorts is normally done within the first chapter, which is essentially just the hook and quick setting of the scene. So I recommend you expand this into the first chapter.

Next thing is that this piece is a little conflicting. What I mean by that is the narrator seems to he retelling the story to someone else (to listeners or, in our case, readers) but the entire thing is in present tense. Or, most of it. It swaps back a forth of a little -- which is also an issue -- but if this is in present tense, the narrator is living the experience so they can't be retelling it to a outside person (you). So there can only be one or the other, either the sarcastic comments with you or narrating in present tense.

Who ever thought of ringtones must have been annoying, but I heard that you're half-dead when you sleep, so ringtones and alarms ironically raise me from the dead.