Young Writers Society

Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this.

So, I like that you're going for humor with this. I love books like this that are funny and audacious - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is one of my favorites - and I appreciate that you've tried to do something similar here.

However, the humor didn't quite work for me. Humor is best when it's fresh, and the idea of the brain arguing with itself, while amusing, isn't exactly fresh. But still, the problem isn't so much with the idea as it is with the execution. Old jokes can still be funny if told in a new way.

No, the real problem for me, the place where it falls down the most, is that it feels too over-the-top. Caps are really not necessary here, for one thing. It makes it feel forced and nonsensical. The style also lacks subtlety. Often, the thing that makes humor great is that all the funny parts are told in this subtle, slightly sardonic voice. It makes it not so obvious that everything is one big joke, and in general things are funnier when they're subtle.

One of the other big issues is that you switch viewpoints in the middle of the chapter. You go from third person omniscient, with Ring, to first person, inside Ring's head. This is a major issue in any genre of writing - you do not head hop. It's immensely confusing and is considered lazy writing.

Also, first person often just doesn't work as well for humor, again because of subtlety. Having the character crack jokes inside is own head is often not realistic. Instead, third person omniscient is often used, because, although difficult, that all-seeing eye can more easily tell the story and make subtle observations and the like that are funny. Again, see Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for great examples of this.

Anyway, that's all I've got for you! I hope this helped, and I wish you luck with your future writing endeavors!

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

At first, this piece grabbed my attention as humorous and light-hearted, despite it being, on purpose, grammatically and punctuationally, incorrect. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this piece as well as the certain characters that piece it together to make it such a fun-loving piece. The beginning is gripping as well as the continuous plot line (that I think you have). You also seem to be counting down the number of words before the end (and hopefully it make the novel last with the amount of words given). For separating the paragraphs, you use asterisks and for some people, it can annoy their vision and make it harder for them to focus (like myself.) All they will try to focus on is the line of asterisks and not read the rest of your chapter. What I suggest is simply use a line or combine the whole paragraph into one chapter-- as the most you have, is just random words that go towards the plot.

"SHOW YOURSELF!" the same voice said.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE ALREADY KILLED YOURSELF, RING!".

However, right when I heard a noise, echoing the rocky, spacious cave, I ran for it, I knew the government officials have been looking for me. I heard a bunch of weird noises, rocks shifting and and some grunting. I just kept running the other way, even farther from the entrance, and there was barely any light to see anything... just some openings in the roof of the cave.

The first half of his brain was like:

"Maybe I should die..."

"I should write a suicide note right now..."

And the other half of the brain was like:

"Dude, keep your life, keep your swag!"