This story is now present tense instead of past tense( most of the time)
Please give me a review! I want to see what I'm doing wrong!
Now for the story:
*********************************
" Yo dude, wake up" said a calm, yet coolly voice. "See if he's alive, stupid!" shouted a girly, annoying voice. "W-w what happened?" I managed to reply " I-is this h-heaven?" "Use the energy thingy" ordered yet another, now strong voice.
*********************************
"OW, who hit me?
"Your-SELF, dumbie"!
"Wait, really?"
"Shut up...both of you!" said that same strong guy." "Now let's see if he's actually alive...because maybe he's dead!" He shouted with a hint of fear. " Hey, there's something called hope y'know, like for exam-"SHUT UP NERD!"HE'S FULL OF BLOOD BECAUSE OF YOU!". Then that's when the "nerd" actually goes up to him, gets a bucket of water, and then throws it right at me. So, of course I suddenly flinch, then look around, amazed and confused. "My name is Un-Nerd" quickly said the nerd. " And mine is Shairham" said the annoying, female voice.Then started that strong voice:"They call me A.E.E.A, and we're government team officials that found out that you have something that's quite interesting in your brain and D.N.A.".
"That came after your brutal death". "So...I'm in heaven?" I reply stupidly. "Yes" they all answered at once like an opera."Just kiddin' with ya! said Un-Nerd. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" shouted the other two."STICK TO THE STICKY SCRIPT, HOW DID YOU EVEN EARN THIS JOB"? "Um I had a good interview? told Un-Nerd. "YOU NEED TO BE FIRED!" shouted Shairham. "WHAT DO WE NOW, HUH?!" WHAT NOW?! "Just tell him the truth, then, that's what happened last time, remember?" said A.E.E.A. "Actually,killing him would be better, that's what happened last time, remember?" Replied Shairham "IT'S HOW UN-NERD GOT THE JOB!".
During all of this time, which was about two minutes, I was trying to find a way out. There wasn't even a door, just this gigantic gate at the middle of the room, or otherwise secret-underground-governMENTAL-retarded room. I couldn't find a single way out. "Should I just leave myself here and die, since there's no hope?" I thought to myself.
So that's what I did.
**********************************
So yeah, that's all I did for this chapter!
Hope you like it!
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter An Orthdox Life (One)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,095 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi I'm Ash and I am here to review.
This did make me laugh I did enjoy reading it. However please add to it. What is in this room. WHat do the characters look like? But this is an interesting start.So good job there. Also please try to make a new line for dialogue when a new character speaks. Cause if you do not do this, you could end up confusing the reader. And nobody wants that.
Thanks for making this. I'm totally going to read more of this series.
I Know this is late, but thanks for the review!
This was a rather confusing start to your story. It didn't flow very well but I think that it is very easy to fix that.
The first thing is that you need to give each piece of dialogue it's own paragraph and space it out so that it doesn't all flow together in one big confusing paragraph.
Also make sure to open and close all of your dialogue because there were times that I was reading through the dialogue where I saw that you stopped one but didn't start with a new pair of quotation marks and that makes it very confusing for the reader.
You have misplaced quotation marks.
"both of you!" said the same strong guy."
I'm confused overall because it seems like you rushed a little bit to write this. I know that he wakes up and he's actually not dead but it just seems to move a little fast. Maybe drag out the part where he wakes up as he looks around the room at the three people who have been arguing around him.
I hope this is helpful to you. Keep up the good work!
XD XD Well. O.O Okay then. That is quite a lot of shouting...
XD Hello, Double! racket here to review your chapter thang... (thanks for making it so short, my attention span is nonexistent...)
Well, this looks to be an interesting story, though I am wondering how such a dysfunctional team managed to get their jobs and actually keep them...
I have a couple suggestions/comments/responses/questions/etc., so bear with me.
The first would be that, since you have a heck of a lot of dialogue, space it right. You kind of have these huge chunks of text and dialogue all mixed up, which make's it kind of hard to see who's saying what and who's who and which of them is doing what, etc., etc., etc. After your second line of asterisks (what's that there for, by the way?), you have some nice dialogue spacing. After each different person speaks, your going to want to put the new dialogue on a different line. Here's an example...
Does that make sense? See how I spaced it? Okay, moving on. I'm going to rip this paragraph to pieces and stick it back together so you can use it as an outline for the rest of the chapter, okay?
I don't really get the line the nerd's yelling... it doesn't really make much sense. I know this is supposed to be funny in the disjointed-people sort of way, but it still has to make sense, so if I were you, I'd go back, read it, read it again and fix stuff, read it again out loud, fix stuff and then read it one more time... XD Sorry, but you tend to make stuff whole lot better when you read it a million times.
"He's full of blood because of you!" I'm hoping the guy's always full of blood, same with myself and every other living creature on the face of the earth, except maybe supercomputers and vampires. How 'bout 'he's covered in blood' or 'he's bleeding to death because of you!"
Also in that paragraph, the characters transition from fighting to introducing themselves in one block of text, so you need to break those two up a bit. The transition isn't smooth at all, so making that two paragraphs is a good way to start fixing it up.
Thanks for writing this! Sorry I'm such a nit-pick, but this has great potential, and I think if you read it once or twice again, and fix some spots, it'll be great. So, good job! Can't wait to read more!
~racket
""Use the energy thingy" ordered yet another, now strong voice."
I did it mention it before!
Thanks for the review!
Oh. XD Sorry! You're welcome!
I liked the mystery of the situation, but there were just a few issues:
1. Whenever a new person speaks, you should start a new paragraph. It just makes it a bit less confusing. You know when someone stops and starts speaking.
2. Maybe use bold or italics instead of caps. You could also put after the quotes something about them screaming or being angry at someone.
3. Maybe in the last paragraph where he said, "Should I just leave myself here and die, since there's no hope?" you could put that whole thing in italics to show that it's a thought, or if he was thinking aloud, then you could change the last part to something different to show that he was actually speaking his mind.
Other than that, I really liked it. The dialogue helped me get to know the characters a bit more and it was fun to read.
Thanks for the review!
This is...amazingly gripping. I'm really just trying to figure it out, and such unexpected things happen. The last sentence of the first part, implying that he died, caught me by surprise. And now this part also ends with another implication that he died. I'm really not quite sure what to make of it, but I was reading it with intense interest.
So long as you love writing, you'll get continually better with practice.
Some suggestions: In stories, you have to start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking. There are a few situations in which it's acceptable to have two different people speak in the same paragraph, but as a general rule, start a new paragraph. It makes it much easier for your readers to follow along when it's clear who's speaking. I see you're trying to emphasize the sense of rapid-fire argument. Starting each new quotation in a new paragraph won't diminish that effect.
I really don't recommend using CAPS lock in a story. You're trying to create the sense that they're screaming and arguing loudly. That's good. But CAPS lock tends to irritate readers more than anything else. Instead of using it, try adding more description around the dialogue. Describe their body language. They must be making violent gestures, maybe pacing around, maybe shooting glares at each other. Picture the scene in your mind as clearly as you can and watch what your characters are doing. Then describe it. You can also emphasize their argument by using different "said" words. Look up some synonyms for "shout" and use them as you see fit. Just like with the body language, try to listen to their dialogue in your head and then describe it.
In fact, I think it would help your story a lot to add more description. It's an intense scene, yes, but also a little too fast-paced, like the words are stumbling over each other. Slow down a bit and give a brief description of, perhaps, the surroundings. The sights, sounds, smells. What do these different people look like? You have some of that already, like your mention of the gigantic gate in the middle of the room. Just add some more.
By the way, I see you haven't been a member for very long! Congrats on posting your first few writings, and for having a review star already! You write like someone who's just getting into writing stories, so don't be discouraged by my criticism. Of course you seem open to criticism; why else post a story here?
I know this is late, but thanks for the review!
Hey!
I saw this in the Green Room and thought I'd give it a review after reading it and the introduction.
Spoiler
My first thought is that this is extremely short, and has quite a few technical problems(which I'll point out below). It's got a good premise, it could just be executed better. I do really like the idea of this, so I apologize if it doesn't seem that way. I tend to get a bit harsh at times. The reason I get harsh? Because I tell from this idea that you've got that you are a strong minded person. And I know that you can always make your work better. So I tend to push people to be their best. I apoligize if at any point I seem way to harsh. Now lets get back to talking about this story.
I'm just going to come right out and say it. This can be way better than what it currently is. You've just got to push yourself. My main problem is the length and how little character development and description there is. You tell us all these names, but I have no face to put to them. Point II-Point III will cover how to fix these problems. Remember, you've got a good idea here. I'm just pushing you to take it too its fullest.
You have to tell your readers what this room the MC (Main Character) looks like. Currently, we can't picture a thing. I'm going to use a metaphor here, relating a story to pasta. Currently, this story is just plain old noodles. What you need to add is The Sauce (details) The Meatballs (The World/Setting) The Cheese (Character Develpoment) and The Basil (Finishing Touches).
I'll start by focusing on the Sauce (Details) Dont just drop on the details onto a reader. Subtly sprinkle them throughout. Such as a sentence "The bright fluorescent lights burned my eyes" this brings the reader one step further to being able to picture the room. Another example is "The dark read stains on the once-white wall made me curious as to what these people were really up to."
Okay, the Meatballs (The World/Setting)
You've done a pretty good job of giving us a general setting (even if we currently can't picture it) So I'm left wondering about the world the story is set in. Is it set in modern time? The past, future? Don't just state the year and everything about the world though, sprinkle it in like the details.
Spoiler
We currently know next to nothing about our main character. I don't even know if it's a male or female. An example of showing this is~ "I pushed a lock of my long brown hair behind my ear, accidentally brushing it past my earring, resulting in the small piece of metal clashing to the ground" this sentence shows us that the character is most likely female. We can also begin to picture her a bit from this, because we know she had long brown hair.
We also don't know much about how our character is feeling. At the end he/she decides to just stay in the room and die, but we don't get to see his/her thought process that led to this. You hint that she/he is nervous by having her hand shake, and do similar for other situations.
Spoiler
Spoiler
1. It's really distracting to read something that's in All-Caps. If you really want to emphasize something, put it in italics.
2. You need to start a new paragraph when a new person talks.
This is a good idea that I enjoyed reading, it's just a bit rough around the edges. I really hope I didn't come across as blunt.
~Myth
Thanks for the review!
No problem! I enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece!