"Show yourself Ring!" shouted the booming voice.
The annoying-ringing device was in my hand. When these policemen, or whoever they are, appear, I will click the red button, and they all die. Then I will kill myself. Simple as that (though it would cost lives).
"Where are you!?" said one of the policemen "Maybe he's already dead... killed himself...?".
"Shut up! said the police-women with the booming voice.
"Fine..." calmly said the policeman.
I'm scared I thought.
"Ring, we are not going to kill you!" said the police-women "We just need you for research, you have something special!".
Something special... Hmmm...I don't know what to do now....stay with the same plan? Or give up myself... or kill myself?
Back In the Government's office:
"I have sent 12 Scientists to Ring... They will take care of him, they know a lot".
"But Governor, why scientists?".
"They know a lot".
"But sir, that's just stup-".
"You're fired."
His looked up at him with his mouth open, he was his assistant for 14 years.
"Why?! " "I didn't do anything!".
"You know too little... and you argue too much.".
Back to Ring's point of view:
I don't know what happened, I just woke up, and I found myself in a bed and I was handcuffed. I was just happy that I was still alive.I There was nobody in the room with me, but then I noticed that there was a security camera and a speaker in a corner.I also noticed that I didn't have the ring-thingy.
"Patient Number 1 has woken up" a female voice called on a speaker "Asleep for 7 weeks.".
"7 Weeks!" I suddenly said. I almost got a heart attack.
"Er, 7 hours".
"Phew!...".
Then somehow a wall went down, making weird robotic noises. I went back a little, just in case.
A tall woman with one robotic leg came with a tray full of food that seem to come right off heaven.
"Sir, food here." she said as she gave me my tray.
"There is a lot to explain, sir" she said as she left.
To be continued...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there DoubleOJello. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Note before I begin my review that I have not read any of your previous chapters due to time restraints. If I make any character or plot guesses that are incorrect please inform me of it, I wouldn't want to have the wrong facts. I could make the intro personal or I could make the intro about your intro. The introduction of a story is, by my definition, the title, description from the first page, and the first line. All of these are the firsts, the first things your reader will see.
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The title seems pretty straight forward and explains this is your fourth chapter. Don't even know why I bothered mentioning it but I like to be thorough.
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Obviously to understand this I really needed to read the previous chapters or did I? There might be enough for me to draw just from this chapter alone. Should I take the risk and be utterly confused? And here I am taking the risk so you see how good I am with difficult choices under pressure.
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Pretty strong way to start off a chapter seeing as it adds a lot of mystery if someone just opened the book. Imagines person opening up a book to chapter 4 and trying to figure out the situation. Not the easiest thing to do is it but hey I read the 15th chapter of a novel and still had a clue about what was going on.
So from what I can get out of the chapter, this novel is told from at least two point of views. But the main POV is Ring and he is your main character. The government is searching for him for some reason. Is it a fugitive of the law type of thing? Or is it a Baskerville Lab type of thing? I'm going with genetic experiments of some type because scientists were sent after him and he was taken to a secure facility. Not many details were giving but it certainly doesn't sound like he was taking to a prison. Even if he was in solitary confinement I think the effects of the room would have been different. If this was meant as prison the details need to be more oriented around that idea.
Hip-Hip-Hooray almost no spelling, grammar, and typo, mistakes are present today. Except for your dialogue which is in dire need of repair. Makes reference to old movie no one has ever heard of and laughs to herself.
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The line above needs split in some way to avoid confusion. So is this all said by one police officer or is it two pieces all jumbled together. If it's one, you have to recognize the change from yelling at a suspect to passing a theory around to his colleagues. You might want to take the ellipses out of the second part and change it to something similar to this.
See the hesitation in the cops voice. I think that is necessary for setting the atmosphere.
Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore advice or comments.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
I think this is okay! There's definitely some grammar mistakes that could be fixed and it's a little hard to follow, but all in all it's an interesting idea and kind of funny! The idea of the police chasing Ring is intriguing because I don't know why the police are chasing him... maybe there's another chapter or something before this one that I missed.
You probably missed the chapter before this. Thanks for the review!