The dim moonlit air fills the halls
As the patter of small bare feet
Echoes past the rocking horse and wooden blocks
The tick of a grandfather clock made due stillness
Then a whisper and soft laughter
Accompanied by the sound of pages in a big book being turned over
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Canary word: Present
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126,776 Literary Works • 672,941 Reviews
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
I'd like to start off by saying that I really like this poem! The imagery you use almost pulls readers back to their childhood, with your descriptions of practically ever sense. I also like how the characters are never blatantly described, I think that helps emphasize the night time aspect, making it seem like you can't see them. It also leaves a lot of room for imagination, or childhood reminiscence, almost like putting an "insert past self here" sign, I really like it.
However, there were a few things that I noticed in your poem that I thought I'd point out to you. First, your fourth line reads, "The tick of a grandfather clock made due stillness". I'm not sure what this line means, but if the grandfather clock is ticking, I don't think it is causing "due silence." Maybe say it interrupts the silence, or if you really did mean that it was causing silence, try to make that a little clearer.
The other thing that I thought you could adjust were the last two lines, which read "Accompanied by the sound of pages/in a big book being turned over." Because of the line break, it sounds like the big book is being turned over. I suggest moving the line break so that there isn't a pause in between the sound of pages and them being turned over.
Anyways, good job! I liked this simple poem with a happy ending, just a little memory that anyone can enjoy. Keep up the good work!
herbgirl
thanks for the review man! The first line you mentioned, "The tick of a grandfather clock made due stillness" bassically means the tick never lets stillness settle in, the word due means late right? so its like the tick of the clock made stillness late. as for the break, i agree. i dont quite know where to break it...
Well, the word due actually means a variety of things, the closest to that being "of the proper quality or extent; adequate." So maybe that word could be adjusted. Also, you're right, that last line break is rough. i like what you have it as now, I think you should leave it like that until something better comes to you or is suggested.
yes yes thanks!
Heya, Prism! Casanova here for a review!
Also- though it's a couple months late- welcome to the site!
Anyway- to the review!
To start off the- the first thing I noticed was the punctuation- or the lack thereof.
When writing a poem we think about how this would feel to the reader- or to us if we were to read it. Without punctuation it seems to flow constantly- instead of pause where it should. It appears as if one big text- something to read without stop.
The next thing- it doesn't rhyme- which I like. I'm a major fan of rhyming poetry, but sometimes it restrict the context of the poem/song. Free Verse is better for this- and you captured that extremely well.
Another thing I have to say is that this poem is extremely short. Not that I'm trying to undermind you by saying,"Oh poems can't be under a million lines long!" But it seemed as if it could go on a bit longer than it did.
The other thing was the subject of the poem.. What exactly does it mean? I mean I can infer and I can guess and everything but that doesn't mean I'm write xD. Then again- I barely have a guess on this one..
Anyway- it was an alright poem and I hope to see more from you. I'll be watching.
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hey! thanks for the review. It was intended to be short and without punctuation. As for the meaning, its about two little kids running to get a story book past there bedtime, displaying the curiosity of the young!
OH. its all so clear to me now...