Pre chosen
Chosen for you
You can't push it away
Away from view
Something you are born with
With it hanging over your head
Head full of clouds
Clouds linger 'til you're dead
You travel on a set path
Path that's ever winding
Winding into the distance
Distance that is blinding
My sincerest apologies
Apologies that you have no choice
Choice that isn't often easy
Easy to follow or easy to voice
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139,525 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hey there. Jonathan here to review your poem. Let's get right into it.
I think this is an intriguing piece of writing, and I very much liked the story behind it. It was also, visually, structured very well and I thought its tone here was very consistent and engaging. Nice job.
In this review, I'll be going line by line. Disclaimer: you don't have to listen to silly old me if you don't feel like I'm on the mark. You're the author and all of this is 100% up to you. Alright, let's get started!
"Pre chosen / Chosen for you" ~ A nitpicky thing-- this is redundant, and I don't think repeating it makes it any stronger. Reviewers before me have suggested other words, and I think you'd do well to listen to them.
"You can't push it away / Away from view" ~ This second line isn't necessary and it does nothing to advance the poem.
"Something you are born with / With it hanging over your head" ~ The second line's pronoun, "it", is awkward here.
"Head full of clouds / Clouds linger 'til you're dead" ~ I actually love this. It creates this very haunting tone which serves you excellently here. I'd just suggest adding a "that" after "clouds", though.
"You travel on a set path / Path that's ever winding / Winding into the distance" ~ "Set" and "winding" give me two different ideas. Be careful that you don't contradict yourself with your word choice. It technically makes sense but in my head that's not the case. Personal connotation.
"Distance that is blinding" ~ I like this, but it doesn't go with the rest of your theme/tone.
"My sincerest apologies / Apologies that you have no choice / Choice that isn't often easy / Easy to follow or easy to voice" ~ This is unexpected but I like it. I'd only suggest that you add a double hyphen or comma between the penultimate and last time just so it's clearer visually. Keep writing.
Jonathan
Hey, yo, CreativelyWritten! Strange here on this Thursday night and I have a review for you!
I wasn't really big on this work for a few reasons. The theme/message is kind of vague, fails to hit a mark, and the presentation needs to be worked on. I'd like to preface this by saying that I mean no harm to you, I don't mean to be pessimistic or anything like that. I want to be a good critic and help you with a poem.
Let's get into it, shall we?
This is an awkward theme to follow. Pre chosen? It doesn't roll off the tongue right. It comes off as bland and fails to lift the PoemRocketship up and off the platform. Subsitute with something that means "already set" or "predetermined"? I don't like the use of Pre chosen, but that's probably just me.
Once again, predetermined is a better subsitution. If you used that, you could remove "chosen for you" completely. It'll still work with predetermined, though. Just some food for thought.
*Some thing you are born with is the correct wording. Something just doesn't work. I don't have the brain capacity to explain why, but yes, it's some thing instead of something. Foodforthought.
I don't understand the point you're trying to make with this metaphor. Head full of clouds? Is it...because they can't think? It sounds like you are Walking The Cow, which is presenting a "deep" idea but never delivering. Only letting it be a bland and false poetic device. Nothing else at all.
You use the same word consecutively. If you were to set this up as a sentence, it would read off like this.
"Path that's ever winding winding into the distance".
That doesn't work. Twisting? Turning? Contorting? Replace the second 'Winding' with something else for it to make sense.
While this looks like the same thing, it isn't. Add 'the' before the second distance and it'll flow much better. I understand what you're trying to do with it, but it's kind of unnecessary. Find more words.
Now the rest of the poem is the same thing, so I'm going to hold back from picking out specific parts. Overall, the presentation wasn't solid. The fact that you used a rhyme pattern, awkward repetition, and no punctation slowly destroyed the poem's flow. The idea of predestination is run of the mill. Everything crumbles and combines together for an underwhelming feeling. You have a lot of potential to expand on this, so if you do want to, see what you can add.
Keep writing and stay groovy!
First of all, I would like to thank you creating such a good poem! It's really great, I dare to say perfect. In the terms of your work, I can't say nothing but praises for it, altho I can't find the rights ones to fill it. If I need to say something, it would be "It's so beautifull it makes me want to cry.".
Second, I also would like to praise your feelings when you wrote it. I can say for sure that your heart was telling you something very emocional. It's really hard to find works filled with those feelings these day. So, I would like to thank you and your heart for this work!
P.S. - If this is from your school days, I can say your destiny is something that only you can create.
Thank you so much for your lovely review! I try to write poetry and have a really hard time so I was very shocked to hear it was good enough to make you want to cry. I cannot even begin to explain how great that makes me feel. Thank you again
This was music to my ears! I loved this!
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs
Thank you!
No trouble at all!
~Dogs
this, my friend, is very musical. i loved it
Thank you so much
wow. just wow. i loved every bit of it. destiny is so well described in this little poem. it is obviously something that you cannot shake. it is also distant cause you cannot figure it out until and unless it finds you and most of the time you like it but other times it is something unavoidable hanging right over your head. the last line just after the apology is my favourite because everyone knows how difficult it is to make a choice and it also leaves a chance that we may regret it like in a poem "road not taken" by robert frost. altogether i loved it.
Thank you so much! I'm glad that you found meaning in it and that it was coherent enough for you to understand haha