Shiny black velvet line a brand new box
A child’s curious mind wonders if it locks
Mommy starts to cry when they close the shiny lid
The child with a heavy heart wonders what she did
Unknown men hoist the box up upon their shoulders
Mommy looks to Daddy and to her they both seem older
Cars including theirs follow it away
She wonders if it’s a game that she hasn’t learned to play
They set the box upon the ground
No one seems able to make a sound
The child waves goodbye as the box is lowered down
“Why did Grandpa not get out?” She wonders with a frown
She turns and follows everybody home; shrugs and shakes her head
“I guess this is what they meant when they told me he was dead.”
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139,527 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Ouch. That's a little on the morbid side of things. It's really good though. I really only have one complaint. I'd suggest maybe editing the last sentence to sound a bit more, childish? It just doesn't seem quite right. Any way, keep up the good work, and fare thee well!
~Scoeri
i am honestly glad i met this work,quite what i'm looking for to end a fabulous day!,very enchanting filled with awesome rhymes and loads of hidden figurative words,what more can i ask for!
but i do ask for something,the first two lines didn't quite enjamb with the third line as expected and so left me wondering.it should have been like this '...mind wonders if it locks,'Mommy' he cried...i it would quite continue from the begining."the child with a heavy heart'?how come?,sem his heavy heat jumped fro no where!,yes i understand you're talking 'bout death,which make all the mombo jumbo crazy.well i grew so happ when 'the child waves goodbye as the box...' but yet again the spoem is about the child not the mom and the child.FABULOUS WORK,JUST A LITTLE ADJUSTMENT AND ITS A BOOM!!
Thank you so much for the review ^^ But I don't understand what you're asking me to change
I love poetry and when I read your title it really interested me. You typically don't think about how death is pictured by anybody else beside yourself or someone that is young. When you are young you typically don't understand death yet and even now nobody has a full understanding to it. I got chills at the end of the poem it was very well written. You used a lot of good imagery and I liked your line: "Mommy looks to Daddy and to her they both seem older". I liked the idea that they both seemed older to her because of the loss but something just seems weird in the way you worded it. Other then that I thought it was very good.
Thanks so much for your comments ^^ You made me happy
aw yay, i made you happy. good!
Hey, runawaylove here to review your poem. So first of all this poem in one word in well-written. It has the child's innocence and the tone is just perfect. I kind of got emotional as my grandfather died some days ago and it was just painful. And this child does not really understand what death mean and this makes the whole thing more touching for the reader.
Now the thing that you can improve is punctuation. You can use more punctuation to make the poem look better and there are places where the poem need pauses. Then another thing you can do is divide the poem into paragraphs of four lines each. This will make the poem look really organized.
Other than that your rhyme scheme is remarkable. My favourite lines are :
“Why did Grandpa not get out?” She wonders with a frown
She turns and follows everybody home; shrugs and shakes her head
“I guess this is what they meant when they told me he was dead.”
The ending finished off the whole poem fantastically. So that's all I have to say. The improvements I suggested are really not required as the poem in itself is wonderful. Hope this was helpful. Keep writing!
Hello!
This was a very interesting poem. There's a few places I think you should check out spelling and grammar-wise, but I think that otherwise, this was really well done. Had the subject matter been anything different, I would have told you that your rhyme was a little forced, but because it's from a child's perspective, I think the rhyme works. I always think of dr.Seuss when I read ryming poems with slightly forced rhymes.
Regarding the story, I think you accurately described the naiveté of a child. Great job on that. You also used great descriptions in telling what exactly happened. For example:
That was a wonderful line, even though it may be a bit over used. It's great because of the child's viewpoint, the fact that the child is noticing something like this.
Some things I think could be better...
The first line doesn't make a lot of sense. Did you mean "shiny black velvet lines a brand new box?"
I also feel like you used the word "shiny" too close to each other, in the first and third line, especially because you were describing two different things: the velvet and then the outside of the box.
I also think you need some punctuation to help the reader follow the flow of the poem.
This line reads a little strange:
I'd maybe change it to "Their car follows that box to a place far away" or something.
I feel like this poem would be a lot more effective and clear if you told it FROM the perspective of the child. Just say "I" and "me" instead of "her" and "she."
I really liked this poem! Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis
Oh I also wanted to comment that you rhythm was very jump-rope song-y which is awesome for a child's perspective.
I also think you need a better title. Think of a title that adds to the poem, and doesn't just classify it. The reader can figure out that it's a funeral from the child's perspective just from reading your poem. ^^
Thank you for feedback. I'm not very good at poetry usually and I was trying to churn out poems for class... this is the only one I liked but yes it was rushed so I'm sure it has mistakes. Thanks again for your feedback ^^
Oh, my gosh. This was wonderfully well done. your rhythm was toned just right to match a little girl's innocent, trusting tone and at the same time paint a vivid picture. Well done, my friend! The last line really got to me, and I guffawed out loud. It sounded exactly as a child would make it sound.
To tell you the truth, I think this poem would have benefited from being longer, though. It certainly was a good size for its message, but I think you could have added a few more lines in there and it wouldn't change the effect. But overall this is a beautiful and heart wrenching piece.
Keep writing!
Thank you so much for reading ^^ And thanks for the feedback
Wow you were right this is actually really quite sad and tugs on the heartstrings. It's really really good though and you are just great. I like how it seems that the rhyming is used almost to highlight the childs inability to understand what's going on. All in all a chilling piece of work and quite inspired.