The Chains of Duty Chapter 9: Scouting

Hey Glasses!

So, I'm finally back to check out your latest chapter. As I've said a lot of other times, I'm sorry it takes me a while to get around to it. I've been sort of sick lately.

I told myself I would get to this chapter when I felt good, but seeing as this was such a short chapter, I could have checked this out sooner. Despite this being very short though, I like it.

What I mainly like about the chapter is the new character you're introducing. I always enjoy underlings, or rather henchmen, of the villains. Especially sneaky ones who approach castles on horseback.

However, I would really like you to describe this guy to me though. As of now, I can't picture him. I want (and sort of want you) to describe him as a hooded stranger, riding on some sort of sickly looking horse. Pretty much the Nazgùl or the Black Nùmenòrians of Tolkien. I just love shadowy characters like that. Obviously, you don't have to do anything close to this at all, but in the end, I'd want you to describe him more. I can't picture him.

Apart from his appearance, the rest about him is really solid. This little scene we see him in is good. He has a calm demeanor, seems loyal to his master, and he knows awesome incantations, yet shivers slightly when he uses them. Pretty good.

The way you described the rest of the piece is also good. There's some good descriptions of the castle in there. So I like a lot of things about this short chapter.

What I'm not entirely onboard with, is the reason why he's there in the first place. He is there to gather information about them? And his master will not only be happy with the information he gets, he will be ecstatic? I'm going to assume that his master is Xelop, so seeing as Xelop was the one who put Novara in this unconscious state in the first place? Why would he be happy to hear that? He knows...

I'm also unsure about the idea of sending a guy to spy on the castle from the outside, when he already has the power to appear inside it. I'd think he had better ways.

Aside from these two things though, it's pretty good. Mostly Grikoi. Elaborate on him and make him some wicked awesome henchman. With or without hood.

Alright, there's a few things I noticed in it as well, so I'll write as I go along:

Edit

especially since the guards had been doubled and told to keep careful watch, due to Xelop’s appearance

Changed a word. 'Owing' isn't really a right word to use here.

Suggestion

It would be hard to get the information his master wanted; but Grikoi knew his tricks.

I feel it sounds better. Alternatively; ';but Grikoi had his tricks.'

Edit

He stopped at the foot of a hillock which was near to the castle.

Seeing as you wrote 'a hillock' rather than 'the hillock', I would supplement 'nearest' with 'near'.

Suggestion

The spires of the towers gleamed in the faint glitter of twilight.

Pretty good line. I think 'gleamed' and 'glow' are too similar though. I tried 'glitter' because glitter of twilight sounds really good.

Edit

He closed his eyes, muttered an incantation under his breath to ensure he would not be spotted by anyone looking, even if they were looking for him specifically.

Added two commas here. Watch out for them. If you're unsure, try speaking the line out loud. Always helpful.

Edit

When he felt the slight shiver he was by now used to surge down his spine, he lifted his eyelids.

Same deal, added a comma.

worthy of being called a banquet hall, only the ceiling and chandeliers were absent.

You could totally swap that comma out with a semicolon. Works great there.

Edit

that would enhance his hearing and sight and enable him to remember conversations he did not even pay attention to.

Quick typo. I'm unsure about this ability he got though? It enables him to remember conversations he didn't pay attention to? Does this mean conversations he was involved with in the past, or conversations these people he is spying on have, or will have, had? Weird spell. O.o

This was magic of such a level that even great magicians could not perfect.

Magicians. There's something about this word that makes me thing of modern people. Like Criss Angel and the likes. As your story is fantasy, I'd rather go with 'wizard' or 'mage'.

Then, he waited while his mind slowly took in everything that was going on inside the castle.

I'm liking this line. It's really good.

Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on. Fairly small chapter, it has some good stuff and some stuff that's a little confusing, but all in all okay. I'm looking forward to more of the story. Especially this new character.

Following your last chapter, this also reads a lot better. I feel your writing has noticably improved as you have written this series. Your story is getting more interesting, and there are less grammatical errors I pick up on. Good! Let me know when you've got another part out.

Keep it up, Glasses!




Cheers
Birkhoff

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Well you have the privilege of receiving my 250th review, and thus I will also be earning my fifth star after this review (woot!).

Seeing as this is a fairly short chapter, this just might be a fairly short review, but I guess we'll see. xD

At the moment I'm not recalling this character in particular, Grikoi I believe? If he has already been mentioned before, then I'm sorry. Names of characters slip my mind quite a few times.
Grikoi has this feel about him though, that just reeks of danger. Like I wouldn't ever want to mess with him. He just has that feel about him, I think. The way you were describing his facial expressions and actions... intermixed with everything else, it gave his character an overall dangerous feel. Rather sinister.

What I'm also pleased to see, is that I can see basically no telling in this chapter and just lovely descriptive showing. Very nicely done. Your description of the castles towers was especially my favorite. You used soo many cool sounding verbs, to compliment the nouns. It was truly awesome. Not to mention with everything else I got a pretty good picture of as well. At one time, I was almost imaging it like it was a scene in a movie, and I was just playing it along in my mind... xD It moved along just fine too.

All I have are nitpicks, so that's good.

There was a risk of being heard even at this distance, especially since the guards had been doubled and told to keep careful watch, owing to Xelop’s appearance right at the heart of the castle.

I didn't really like this sentence, as it seemed of a bit of an info dump. We now know from one sentence that there is double the amount of guards, and why that is the case, is because Xelop appeared in the castle. Two fairly big facts dumped in one sentence. How about split it up a bit and tell us the reason for the double guard in an entirely new sentence, eh?

but Grikoi knew his cards.

OK, this is like the dumbest nitpick of the century and most likely the dumbest ever thought of, but... I think adding well onto the end of that sentence would make it sound smoother. See? Duuumb...

He closed his eyes, muttered an incantation under his breath to ensure he would not be spotted by anyone looking, even if they were looking for him specifically.

Here you are missing two commas. I placed them in red for you, so that it wouldn't be overly confusing. ( I can ramble on for hours, without making any sense, is why) xD

When he felt the slight shiver he was by now used to surge down his spine he lifted his eyelids.

This sentence is actually pretty confusing. Not in the context of the words--which is fine, but in what it's missing. It's missing two commas. Because of that I had to read and reread the sentence over and over again, just to make sure that I got it all right. And even after reading it about five times over, I still was having trouble. So yeah, make sure you have your commas there. They help in breaking up certain elements of sentences, and are quite important when writing sentences that contain so many clauses.

as the shivers started to crawl.

Hang on... what? How on earth do shivers crawl? xD I know that this was supposed to be a visual description, but all it did was make me stop and ask, what? Perhaps it's just me, so in case of that, I'd wait and see what other reviewer's say about it. It just made me stop for a sec is all. xD

This was magic of such a level that even great magicians could not perfect

Matter of preference perhaps, but I thought that word was unnecessary.

Alright that is really the only thing I can really find in this chapter. Now one thing I have noticed about your chapters is that they are rather short. I'm wondering... is that intentional or something? I understand that is the case with some writers and they do it because it's their writing style, but I'm wondering if that's the case with you. Because I think these chapters are a wee bit short for my tastes. Up to you of course, if you want to maybe lengthen it up a bit or something. Just thought I'd mention it.

OK, that's it from me! Keep writing!

~Cricket