“Found what?” Novara asked impatiently.
“The twin,” Nidara answered, turning around to reveal the book in her hand. Novara stared wide-eyed at the cover. It was exactly the book Keed had brought. Yet Keed’s book was right there, lying open in front of her. And Nidara held the book in her arms yet.
Novara looked at Keed through the corner of her eye. His expression was nothing short of bewilderment. And there was something else. Fear, perhaps?
She turned her attention back to her sister as Nidara reached the table. And then, it all happened so fast that Novara could barely fathom it all.
Nidara placed the book on the table and opened out a page. Immediately, she arched her back and started screaming in anguish. Her face contorted in agony.
The open pages of both the books glowed with an ethereal light. And by that light Novara beheld something that amazed and frightened her at the same time.
Keed sat there, frozen; his features appearing ghastly in the otherworldly light cast by the pages of the book. His eyes seemed to be bulging out of their sockets, the irises nowhere to be seen.
What is happening…?
Nidara screamed once again, bringing Novara back to reality. She jumped up from her seat and crouched next to Nidara. “Sister, where does it hurt…?” she tried asking. But no matter where she touched Nidara, Nidara squirmed and screamed harder. At last, she looked up toward the table, toward the books.
With every ear-piercing heart-wrenching screamed that escaped Nidara’s lips something in Keed’s face seemed to soften.
“Keed!” Novara called, and it softened his expression just a bit more. His eyes remained black pits.
The books… CLOSE THE BOOKS! Something inside Novara screamed. She launched herself onto the table and slammed one of the books shut with such force that it caused Keed to blink. Nidara’s screaming ceased. But the other book still glowed faintly, and a ghost of Nidara’s screams returned in the form of mangled cries.
Keed blinked a few times. His eyes seemed to have regained their regular contours. He looked about himself to make sense of what was happening. He swiftly caught track and speedily closed the other book shut. And Nidara’s cries were reduced to helpless whimpers.
~~~~~~~~~~
To be continued…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hi there!
Weren't these exact words in the last chapter as well? You should probably omit this part from this chapter and just continue on from where the last chapter ended.
Wow, what an intense chapter. It was rather short, but that's not that big of a deal. Some chapters are going to be shorter than others. I do think though, that this is the perfect length for what happened in this chapter. So much happened in such a short amount of time, that I'm not sure I'd be able to digest anything more. Just enough happens to get us worried and thinking about the books. And now I want to head right over to the next chapter to see what really happened and why. I like it.
One thing I'd have to say about this though, is that it was rather confusing. Although after reading through it again, I think it was supposed to be that way, to get us thinking about what was really going on. See, I know that Nidara was affected by the books, but was Keed also? He didn't seem to be able to do anything either. Something tells me that he's the kind of guy who would jump into action if something like that happened. But he doesn't. Instead, he's just there, frozen to the spot, and he seems to only gather himself once the books are both shut. I guess I'm just wanting for some more information about who was actually affected by the books and who wasn't.
Another thing that I've noticed is that Nidara and Novara's names are very similar. This didn't really bother me until now. I can understand if the names are super important and have to be that way, but maybe think about changing up one of their names just a tad when you go back and edit? Sometimes I get confused when the names pop up and I really have to focus to make sure I know exactly who's name it is. Just a small suggestion, feel free to ignore it.
Like I said before, this chapter is wonderful. I was so surprised and shocked when I read this that I wasn't sure if I would be able to actually write a review. I absolutely loved this chapter. It's my favorite!
Again, great, great chapter here. I'm off to check out the next one!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there! I'm finally here to keep on following your novel!
Pretty short chapter, I personally prefer longer ones, though its not any big of a deal. I didn't like that you started it off with a sentences you used in the previous chapter; this is a novel and you don't need to remind a reader what happened only one page before. I also think this should be a part of a previous chapter, separated with these * * *.
You could also add up a bit more of description. For an example, I wasn't sure what was going on with Keed or how did he look like. Describing Nidara went rather good.
Concerning the plot, it is going on rather interesting. I like that magic is such a rarity that there are only two books about it so far. Keed is also a really good character and the story can go anywhere with him. I like the character of Nidara, but I have no idea on how old any of them are. Nidara is about 20? Novara is much younger or few years younger? You need those somewhere explained.
-Alchemist
Hey Confused!
Back for your fourth chapter. It appears to be incredibly short though, so there's not too much I can comment on. I've reviewed every chapter up until this point though, so I'll give it a very short going over.
Well, things got pretty interesting toward the end of your previous chapter, so it was definately more enjoyable to get into than the previous part. While this chapter does continue from that interesting standpoint, I feel it is way too short. You could have done a lot of more cool stuff within this one.
However, what is in this chapter itself though, is pretty good. I'm going to go as far as to say it is written fairly great. You write the scene very well and move it along perfectly. It's a very good scene. What little you wrote of character thoughts and actions, you also did quite well.
Overall, it's not much else I could say.
I'll just do a few more quick thoughs:
I noticed in this chapter that you open a lot of your sentences with conjunctions.
Though becoming less and less of a rule, I still consider it a good reminder, and I try not to open any of my sentences with any conjunctions. That would be; 'but', 'and', 'or' etc.
For this sentence, I might have gone with:
Nidara still held the book in her arms.
Edit
Another one. I'll just be using this as an example. It occurs a few other times as well, but I'll ignore those.
There might be a slight confusion about whose thoughts these are, but that's not why I bring this part up. Up until now, I've really had no trouble telling the characters apart. However, as you keep mentioning their names over and over, it occurs to me that these two characters may have too similar names. I'm afraid to get them mixed up.
Edit
Removed those ellipses. Why were they there?
Edit
Too much name repetition. Here it was also completely unneeded.
Suggestion
'a ghost of Nidara’s screams' sounds a bit weird.
Very good!
Alright, that is pretty much what I could comment on in this chapter. It was pretty decent, if not a bit short.
I'm really hoping we get more background in future chapters. I'd especially be interested in hearing more about Xelop and what he's been up to. Maybe he's even the one who did stuff through the book, right? You have lots of cool opportunities. Don't waste em'.
Looking forward to future chapters, let me know when they're out and I'll try to get to them as fast as I can.
Keep it up, Confused!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks for yet another awesome review @Birkhoff. Honestly, there are so many things that I don't notice. But the ellipses were there for a reason, as far as I'm concerned at least.
You know what? Once I'm done writing a bulk of these chapters I'll concentrate on editing them better.
I was so entranced by the book, that it only took me about a minute to read! I wish there were more chapters to read and review. I could find no mistakes in this chapter, much like the first. I couldn't match this quality in my own work no matter how I tried. I love this book so much! The suspense is killing me! And those books are really freaky, good thing Novara wasn't involved in the war to the extent that Nidara and Keed were. Otherwise the suffering would have lasted for a long long time. Can't wait for the next one!
~Kelpies
Whoa whoa whoa...
I didn't think it was that good.
Thanks though!
Hey there! Cricket here to review!!
Hope you don't mind me being a little late! *checks to see if anyone has reviewed it yet* 
I'm just a sucker for action. Hee hee, so loving it!
Nitpick
Hmm, let's nobody gets to it before me! or else what will I do?! They will get all the good stuff, and I'll be left feeling like I'm repeating myself and being on help at all. HeHeHeHe, sorry couldn't help saying that. Can't resist teasing every now and then.
Anyways on towards the review! I totally agree with RoyalHighness. I'm like WOW. How did you do this?!! Everything flows sooooo smoothly, not to mention your characters are being so incredibly awesome.
Spoiler
Spoiler
Yet is used in both sentences here. Seems a bit too close for my taste. Kinda redundant sounding, if you know what I mean.
btw...your paragraphing is AMAZING. Keep it up!!
Thought
Hmmm, from this I can see that you do use thought fairly well.
But like this one....
I think some more description on this point is needed. NOT description when it comes to surroundings, but description when it comes to feelings and the like. I wasn't entirely sure what she was feeling at the moment. It wasn't that there wasn't enough thought, but that there wasn't enough description of the thought. Hope that makes sense
Description
Now what I'm about ready to talk about is something that I can definitely relate too. I ALWAYS get scolded for not having enough description in my works. But with your's I think its something different. You aren't using all Five Senses! That's the one I always work on the hardest when it comes to writing!
In order to build a round and full picture for your reader, you need a buildup using all Five Senses.
Sight
OK, I don't think many of us writers need help with this one. We always use it, no matter what really....
Sound
This one you use a little bit, but I'd go into it more. Like is there anything going on in the back round? Maybe there's a window off to the side, and you can hear some birds? Just a bit of something, to tell the reader a little about the back round noise. Just so that they can get a clear picture of what is happening.
Taste
Hmmm, well not much can be said on this one, except maybe the person is eating or something. But even if they aren't then you can always describe a scent, or something using taste. Like your taste buds are tasting the scent. Just something more, to help with the picture.
Touch
Grrr, I have such a hard time getting this one in! Its so hard! But anyway, yeah! TOUCH is super important. Like what kind of feel did the book have in her hand? Was the cover rough, or maybe smooth? Just something like that, to help us envision some more.
Smell
And the last sense! Smell. Hmm, to be honest I don't know what kind of description you could put in this piece using smell, but I'm sure there is a way for you. I always use it if there's like food around (makes my stomach wanna start growling
And that ends my rant on the Five Senses!!
Trying to sound smart without confusing your readers
This is something that I find to usually be just the word choice. Like this one for instance...
Contours? That would be an outline or a shape, yes. But your readers won't necessarily know that. They might have to go and grab a dictionary, or maybe just skip completely over it! I don't think that's what your aiming at really.
So try and envision that your reader is rather uneducated or something, and try and write for those kind of people, while doing your best to sound educated yourself (that sounds hard doesn't it?
OK, and that's it!! Make sure you tag me when you post next!
btw...thanks for posting this!
Thank you for the AWESOME review @ThereseCricket! Honestly! I never thought about the five senses. I always just felt like something was missing... Stupid me.
Anyway, I'll work on it. Maybe after I've posted a few more chapters, I don't know. Or maybe I could start right now...
Thank you once again.
Oh and maybe I could include a mini dictionary at the end for all the hard words I use. That would make my readers as educated as me right?
HEHE
Thank you for the AWESOME review @ThereseCricket! Honestly! I never thought about the five senses. I always just felt like something was missing... Stupid me.
Anyway, I'll work on it. Maybe after I've posted a few more chapters, I don't know. Or maybe I could start right now...
Thank you once again.
Oh and maybe I could include a mini dictionary at the end for all the hard words I use. That would make my readers as educated as me right?
HEHE
No problem! Thanks for telling me!
WOW.
WOW. OKAY.
I'm going to review this properly on the morrow because it's very late where I am but WOW.