E - Everyone

The Chains of Duty Chapter 10: The Window in The Dungeon

A faint light shone through a small window on one side of the room. The stars winked in the dim night sky. She found herself once more standing all alone. A growing unease lurched in her gut. There was something unreal about the window. She did not know what.

She heard a shuffling behind her and froze. Her ears strained to pick up every tiny sound made. And sure enough, there it was again. A rough rustling of cloth followed by a ragged breath. She turned her back to the window and scanned the room as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. In the middle of it was a post, a struggling figure tied to it. She edged closer to the pole and gasped in realization. It was her sister, Nidara.

She reached out to comfort Nidara, only to realize her touch was not felt, just as she did not feel anything. And so she remembered what this was, how she was witnessing this. She had been hidden away safely in the castle when Nidara was hostage. She felt tears sting her eyes. To know that this was how her sister was treated and being able to do nothing to help her broke her heart.

She heard something hiss to her left. Nidara heard it too, because she instantly became rigid. A single beam of light penetrated the gloom of the dungeon. It spread to reveal two figures in the doorway. The first, clad in black, snapped his fingers, and torches hung on the walls of the dungeon flared to life.

Novara gasped as the light illuminated the faces of the two people. At the front was Xelop, who she knew from their encounter in the study when she attempted to study the book on her own. Behind him was Keed, looking stiff. Like a guard without a mind of his own.

Nidara flinched at the sudden presence of light. But from her posture it was evident that she braced herself for what was to come. Novara could only imagine the horror; she saw what Nidara went through during her seizure. She knew, though, that her imagination could never compare to the real feeling. She dreaded what was to come. But she could only dread.

They made their way towards Nidara, Xelop smiling to show his unnaturally sharp teeth. They looked like they were used to eat flesh. Novara felt a slicing fear. All she could do was watch.

He bent in front of Nidara’s face. “How have you fared in the past day, dear?” he asked heartily.

As well as you would expect me to be, of course,” She said. The dryness of her voice was evident. Novara wondered if she was even given meals.

Tut tut. Have you not had your midday meal?” he said, the heartiness never leaving his attitude

.”If midday meals could fix everything Keed would NOT be standing beside you, Xelop!”

Hmm,” he said stroking his chin with a finger, “true. But perhaps something could help you stand next to him, wherever he is.”

Nidara scoffed.

Oh, come now, Nidara.” Xelop coaxed. “You only have to join forces with me. And then you two can rule Yawen for the rest of eternity.”

Nidara snickered. “There is something I still do not understand, Xelop. What is it that you are really after?” she asked.

You have yet to respond to my offer, princess.” Xelop stated. His tone resonated with a sudden gruffness. Novara found herself wondering how he was so volatile; calm and cheery one moment, stern and angry the next.

Take your offer to dungeons deeper than this one Xelop,” Nidara growled. “No offer of yours’ will ever suffice for me.”

Xelop bore her down with contempt. Then he made a subtle motion with the back of his hand and Keed disappeared through the door.

You will regret your stubbornness, Nidara, as your mother before you did.” He said.

The color drained from Nidara’s face in an instant. “H-how? How do you know about my mother?”

He chuckled. There it was again, the volatility. Novara shivered in fear. There was a formidable aura always being emanated from him.

I know a number of things that you could never fathom.” He said as Keed appeared at the doorway, two guards behind him carrying with them a trunk. The soft light emanating from the trunk played shadows on their faces which showed no inkling of emotion. They set it down a few meters from Nidara and unlatched the sides. The four sides fell to the floor revealing a bed of burning coals. An iron whip lay embedded in their depths, its handle sticking out ward through the top.

Novara gulped at the sight. They were going to brand Nidara. She looked from the bed of coals to her sister. Instead of fear, Nidara’s jaw clenched in determination. Novara felt respect for her sister, and gratitude that she had made it out, shine through the fear.

Keed returned to his position behind Xelop. His face as stoic as he was in a trance, like when people sleepwalk they subconsciously know what to do.

Redo her ties,” Xelop ordered the guards, “face her back to me.”

They did as they were told. Nidara did not so much as struggle against them, she held her head high and held her stand against Xelop with dignity.

I will give you one last chance, Nidara,” Xelop said. “Join me, and you will be spared all this torture. You will walk home with pride and the crown on your head.”

I would rather die than form an alliance with you.” Nidara retorted.

He lifted his chin indignantly. His nostrils flared up with anger, his eyes sparked with fury. “Very well then.” He turned to Keed. “Keed, why not do the honors today,” he said, gesturing towards the handle of the whip. “This might quench your thirst.” He whispered.

She saw Nidara’s eyes widen at the words.

Keed made his way toward the bed of coals. Novara watched with horror Keed’s slow trek, and how Nidara listened intently to each step he took, no doubt wishing that this was all just a bad dream. He positioned his hand over the handle, and, finger by finger wrapped his hand over it. He seemed to take an eternity just to grasp it. The swift motion with which he whipped out the burning red head was unadulterated proof of his sheer strength.

Nidara flinched at the sound of metal against coal. The red hot head with its formidable spikes clanged to the floor. His face still showed no sign of emotion, good or bad, as he dragged the whip from the beds to the pole, and swung with his might. He huffed with the effort. A split second later, Nidara’s agonized screams filled the room. Xelop laughed to his heart’s content. In the middle of it all he made sure to make a mockery out of Nidara’s situation. Everyone else remained pensive; the guards as furniture in a torture chamber, Keed as a day laborer, who had nothing to gain from retaliation except loss of valuable earnings.

Unable to watch the horrid scene in front of her, Novara began to wish for retrieve. She closed her eyes and hoped it would go away the way her previous dream had. However, Nidara’s screams only intensified. And she could only imagine the pain, only. She covered her ears and turned away to look out the window, hoping it would provide her some solace till she went mystically back to sleep. And mystically indeed, the stars made Nidara’s cries seem distant. And now, she knew what was unreal about the window. This was a dungeon. And dungeons do not have windows. This was just another one of Xelop’s treacheries.

~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued...

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birk
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birk wrote a review · Mon Nov 03, 2014 6:04 pm

Hey Glasses!

Back for another part, and you've actually made it all the way to chapter ten now. That's pretty awesome. I'm also actually around for this one, so I'm not horribly late.

A couple of chapters ago I told you that I thought you had reached a new level within your story. And that is still going strong. I care a lot more about this story than I used to. Though I'd still consider your eighth chapter your best one, but this is a close second. For a lot of reasons.

Mainly, you obviously continue with these dream visions. I added vision to that, because this isn't really something she experienced or could have remembered, right? She wasn't around during Nidara's capture and torture at the hands of Xelop, so I'm guessing there is some sort of funky magic or something similar going on.

Secondly, and probably what I enjoyed the most; we finally get some more proper backstory! Ever since the first chapter when we were introduced to both Nidara and Keed we haven't really gotten to know exactly how this went down. Now we get to view a scene from her capture though, and it's presented fairly well.

In my personal opinion though, these scenes actually cause of bit of a disruption between the two characters. Despite Keed being under some sort of mind influence at the time, I would never have been able to trust the guy who mercilessly tortured me in a chamber. Somehow Nidara does? I guess I would need to know about how he 'kept her alive', which you mention in earlier chapters. So far, that's the only thing I'm waiting for in the upcoming parts.

Lastly, I also had an issue with this chapter itself. Not too big, but I'd want to mention it. I'm sure you'll come around to this soon, maybe even because I'll mention it. However, in chapter eight it quite clearly comes off as a dream Novara is having during her coma. Yet, as I mentioned earlier, this chapter seems more like a vision. Is somebody doing this to her? Controlling her? She is in the safety of the castle though. And despite Xelop being able to transport in there, he had to send a henchman to spy on them in the previous chapter. At least I think that's who the henchman's master is. (Maybe it's not! :D)

In addition, you end chapter eight (Novara's previous POV) with this:

She jolted onto a solid surface, not too hard, not too soft, just enough to make one feel drowsy at once. And drowsy she felt. So drowsy that her eyelids refused to rise though she tried. So, she complied the urge to sleep.
I would assume this means she awoke from the dream, only to be so fatigued that she instantly fell under again. I guess this part immidiately follows the previous one?

I would want the transition between these two chapters to be a bit more smoother. In both chapters you just start us off in the middle of the dream. Or vision. Which, in retrospect, does kind of work, as you hardly ever remember the start of dreams. (Thanks, Inception..) In any case, smoothen the transition. ;)

Alright, overall there's not much else I'd comment on, so I'll just write as I go along:

A faint light shone through a small window on one side of the room. The stars winked in the dim night sky.
I really like this. I like how you opened with this, seeing as later, we find out that there is no window in the room and how the dreamlike world kicks in. It's cool. The chapter title is of course also works pretty well then.

There was something unreal about the window. She did not know what.

This part though, I would actually consider removing. It's too big of a foreshadowing to what's coming later. Instead, I might add some more about the unrealness of the place, without commenting on how fake it all seems. Maybe the nightsky is perfect, more stars than she's ever seen, how it's so beautiful etc. Make it overly perfect or something to that effect.

Edit
A rough rustling of cloth followed by a ragged breath.
I'd remove this. Unnecessary.

In the middle of it was a post, a struggling figure tied to it.

This you could describe a lot better. Is she in a sitting or standing position? Maybe her hands are tied up, sort of like the J-man on the cross? Seeing as she receives a whipping later, I'm picturing her crouched on the floor, her back away from the pole and her hands tied behind it. Then again, as she has this confrontational discussion with Xelop later, it would make sense for her to face him. Perhaps even be at eye level. There's a lot more you could describe here.

Edit
Behind him was Keed, looking stiff; like a guard without a mind of his own.
Excellent spot for a semicolon.

Novara wondered if she was even given meals.

“Tut tut. Have you not had your midday meal?” he said,
Eh... nice timing? And what is tut tut?

.”If midday meals could fix everything Keed would NOT be standing beside you, Xelop!”
I'm not sure I'm all for this line. It reads weird to me. At the beginning of this line there is also an excess period which should be at the end of the line above this.

Nidara snickered. “There is something I still do not understand,

Right before this, you also write 'Nidara scoffed'. I feel it's a big too much Nidara did this, Nidara did that etc. Mix in some more pronouns. 'She snickered.' That works fine. There's no confusion about who she is in this instance. Mix it up more. ;)

Edit
how he was so volatile; calm and cheery one moment, yet stern and angry the next.
Good line, I like it. Small addition.

“Redo her ties,” Xelop ordered the guards, “face her back to me.”

Ah, cool. You did include more on this.

“This might quench your thirst.” He whispered.

Ooooh, interesting line. I'm wondering what this meant. Bring this up again.

The red hot head with its formidable spikes clanged to the floor.

Again, this makes me think about the relationship and trust issues between Nidara and Keed. Not only is this some sort of iron whip, which is then heated up... it also has spikes on the end of it? Now we're exiting disciplinary tools and entering life threatening weapons. This would not just leave scars (physical as well as emotional), this would create deep wounds. Slaves during the 18th, 19th century would retain horrible scars from regular whips. I'm sure she would also require some fairly severe medical aid to not get infected and die from this.

All I'm saying here is; there better be an amazing reason as to why Keed is still around. He better have done something damn herioc in addition to the 'influence' her was under. Otherwise, I'd order my father, the king, to behead this guy.

This was just another one of Xelop’s treacheries.

Excellent way to end the chapter. Bringing it around to the opening, as well as the title itself. Great!

Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on. Your story is only getting better and better and I'm loving the way it is unwrapping right now. It's fun to read.

Your writing has improved a lot. Not only did your story take leaps not long ago, but I found little to no grammatical errors within this chapter. There's a few punctuation issues that still pops up here and there, one of which Therese has elaborated on. I can focus a lot more on the story itself, which is very good.

As always, let me know when you've got your following chapter out. I'm anticipating it. ;)

Keep it up, Glasses!




Cheers
Birkhoff

I see you've picked up ALL of the things I want my readers to pick up. And awesome suggestions. Gives me food for thought. The period thing was probably just a typo though. well, I'm glad you like it so far. I'll start working on chapter 11 right away!

Hi! Cricket here for a review! Maybe for once, I'll be early. xD

Well firstly, as bad as this may sound, I enjoyed this scene where she has this dream about her sister being tortured. Obviously, you wanted something that was going to make us feel upset and we needed to feel for the character. Well it really worked on me, I must say. I felt like taking one of those hot irons and swinging it at Xelop's and even Keeda's face. I was a little upset near the end, and then I realized why. I had grown attached to the characters and I was sad when one was hurt. I'd like to say, very nicely done as that is something that doesn't happen to me very often.

Now I did see one thing in here, that I hadn't really noticed before with your punctuation in dialogue. Let me show you a few examples first, before I go into what I found wrong with it. :D

“I would rather die than form an alliance with you.” Nidara retorted.


“This might quench your thirst.” He whispered.


“You will regret your stubbornness, Nidara, as your mother before you did,” He said.


Alright, I took all of these from different parts of the story to show the difference between them all. Anyways, here's my problem. When going into a dialogue tag, you have a comma and not a period. So when you say Nidara retorted, you would have a comma directly before that, and directly after the end of that dialogue. Not a period. Where I have the comma in red, is where it should be. ;)The first one has proper capitalization for your common/proper noun. But the next two don't. This article here] will be able to explain all of this much better than I ever could. I'd seriously advise reading all of it though, as it's absolutely fascinating and an absolute gem when learning proper dialogue punctuation. I know, as I believe I used to have problems with this particular aspect of grammar, but I don't no longer. So yeah, would suggest reading that article by Demeter. :D

A faint light shone through a small window on one side of the room. The stars winked in the dim night sky. She found herself once more standing all alone. A growing unease lurched in her gut. There was something unreal about the window. She did not know what.


This was something that irritated me as I started to first read this chapter. It seemed so unfeeling. Like somebody was just narrating but wasn't truly feeling anything. No controversial thoughts were going on inside my head at the moment! Just stars, being alone, unease, window and uncertainty. Normally these things would raise some controversial thoughts and make me want to know more, but this time it didn't. And I think it's because there isn't any raw emotion in here. Try and expand more on these main aspects, when starting a new chapter off. Get what I mean?

One more major thing that I had noticed about your style of writing is that sometimes you fall into a type of telling and not showing as much. Like you say something about her heart breaking. As soon as I read that, I instantly thought of telling and not showing. You see, telling can go two ways. Telling can help move the story along, or it can create an emotionless narration, and description. Your narration needs to be a even mix of showing and telling, but mainly just showing. So in instances where you're telling us that her heart felt like it was going to break, that's a spot where you should do more showing on and cut back on the telling. You want the readers--us, that is--to feel for the character and we can't do that with emotionless narration.

Behind him was Keed, looking stiff.


How about giving us a little better visual here? Maybe describe how his body is stiff and so on. Go into facial expressions if they can relate to the body, go into the line of his body, the shape. Give us a very clear visual.

.”If midday meals could fix everything Keed would NOT be standing beside you, Xelop!”


Just an extra period there is all.

There honestly wasn't much for me to nitpick and you have a excellent nitpicker in Birkoff already, I believe, so I won't be doing much of that here.

What I actually really liked about this work was the way you drew us out of the dream. Honestly, as I was reading the part when she began to stare at the window, I got this feeling that I was in that dream and I was slowly drawing away. Like out of the dream, as if I were the MC and experiencing this dream. Very nicely done.

Overall, I think I'm beginning to understand the plot more and more and I go along with this book, and I can't wait for your next chapter! Obviously, there are some things that I am confused about, but those can wait as I'm fully expecting for my questions to answered in later chapters. I'm planning on winging through this one to fully understand the plot. :D

Thank you so much for keeping up with this and I wish you well with this book! Let me know when you post next! :elephant:

Keep writing!

~Cricket

Thanks Therese! And honestly, I think it's coming off just the way I wanted it to. And then you have to be the awesome reader and show me all the great possibilities.
Thank you so much buddy!



Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology