The torches were being lit one by one. The spires of the castle looked like silhouettes of spears in the backdrop of the scarlet sky. Grikoi watched Nidara walking in as the sun began to set. As soon as she was out of sight some of the maids carried her swinging chair back inside.
He had gotten a close call today. She saw a flicker where he was standing. Luckily she was not paying much attention, and neither was Keed. He would have been seen otherwise. He could not risk that. Sourai had been removed from service for that exact reason. On the bright side, he had gathered more than enough information for his master to be happy.
For now.
He undid the surveillance spell and made for his horse. He would report to master as soon as possible. But before that he had another thing to take care of.
He pulled up his grey hood and saddled his horse. He felt the familiar tingling in his spine, and knew that the animal was also invisible by now. He spurred the trusty animal and it sped to its limit. The hot summer air now felt cool on his face. His hood and robes flapped in the wind. The horse’s long mane brushed his face. It reminded him of Sourai’s hair, so thick and luscious it had been. He had not seen her for a month. That smile was so calming to behold, yet so painful to remember.
He reached the station where he reported his horse to as noiselessly as the breeze that flowed. He unsaddled the horse and tied it to its post. Brushing its grey mane with his hands, he carefully planned out his course of action.
~~~~~~~~~~
The corridor was dark. The only source of light was the single lamp Grikoi knew to be burning in the room at the end of the underground tunnel. Even that lamp was running out of fuel, he could tell. The one who resided in the room did not require light, however. In fact, he preferred darkness. He walked with wariness, lest his footsteps be heard. Xelop had sharp ears indeed.
As he neared the door, he slowed. He was not required to enter. He was only required to watch. The shadows inside were somewhat foreboding. The shifted every time the flame flickered. There was a shuffling sound echoing from inside, a pungent smell filled the air.
Then, he saw him. Xelop stood beside a table standing right in the middle of the room. He held a glass vial in his hand. In the faint glow of the dying lamp, he seemed to be smiling, in the most haunted fashion possible.
He began to brew a concoction on the table, without the use of fire. When the clear liquid that the vial contained was added to the potion, it hissed and steamed until Xelop was grinning from ear to ear.
“What shall stop me now, Nidara?” he whispered, his voice all sorts of sinister.
Grikoi turned on his heels, and willed himself to be above ground as fast as possible. He had seen enough.
Master would be pleased.
~~~~~~~~~~
To be continued…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hey Glasses!
So, I guess I've left this chapter hanging around here since last year, huh? Well, I'm back to continue your story. These last few months have been really hectic, even more so during Christmas times. Things are slowing down though, so I can keep up with your story again. Which I really hope you continue.
Especially because even though I've been away from it for a while now, I still remember it. I can only say that's a good thing.
Alright, we're back to Grikoi this time. You introduced him as some sort of henchman earlier in the story and though I liked him back then; he's getting more and more interesting. I actually find him more interesting than your big villain himself, Xelop.
What I really liked about this chapter and what you did with him, is the fact that ever since you introduced him, we have assumed that this guy is working for Xelop, right? That's the Master he's been mentioning. Now though, it turns out that this might not be the case. That's a neat, little twist in the story. I do have some questions about it, but I'll return to this later.
When you introduced him in chapter nine, I said in my review that I would love for you to describe him more. Because back in that chapter there was very little to no descriptions about his appearance. I was hoping he'd get some characteristics when he returned, but that doesn't seem to be the case yet. I can't really picture him. Still, as I've said, I do like him. But that is rather more the idea of him, as well as the actions he's done and the mystery surronding him. Create a more well-rounded character for him. It doesn't have to ruin his mysterious nature.
You did something really well with his character though. I kind of loved it, and it did add lots to what I think of him. When you mentioned that somebody named 'Sourai' had previously been removed because of lacking skills, I figured you meant a previous scout or henchmen, similar to himself. Yet, you totally went the other way with it and made it a woman whom he has affections for. Pretty good. I want to know more about this guy now. And Sourai.
The chapter is very, very short. There's not really that much else I could mention overall. I like how you write and move your story along. The writing itself is still okay, could obviously be a lot more of it and better quality descriptions etc. Some grammatical errors here and there. As before, I'll cover some of them.
Alright, I'll pretty much just write as I go along then:
Swinging chair? I don't know, I just found this random.
Edit
Doctored this line a bit. Removed an unnecessary word and replaced the period with a semicolon.
This is something you should elaborate on. He's doing this spell that allows him to better listen in on the castle, I guess? I'd want more on this. You have a lot of room in your chapters for more.
Again, whaaaat? The horse is invisible? Well, that's cool. Is he invisible to though? Or is he just sort of hovering in the air? That would look weird. Tell us more! You could also remove that comma. It's not needed.
As I said, I really liked this part. You give this guy some good backstory while giving the reader very little. Very good. And I liked the way you described his memory of her smile. Added lots.
Wait. What station? What kind of station? Since you mention underground tunnels, I'm automatically thinking of a train station. Which I don't really think should be on my mind within this kind of story.
Moving on, how did Grikoi even know that Xelop was here? Xelop is a pretty badass dude who can appear in random places, right? And yet this guy knows where he is? He seemed pretty calm about it too. 'Just another thing to take care of'. His approach also seemed very calm, especially for someone lurking up on dangerous people like Xelop.
Edit
Missed a word. To be honest though, I don't like this line. It reads bad.
Edit
Quick typo.
Suggestion
You could totally replace that comma with a semicolon.
Edit
Removed the first comma and connected the first line with the second, using a semicolon.
I know I keep using semicolons, but they are fantastic at connecting lines like these.
Okay, this is the last thing I was wondering. Why wouldn't Xelop be able to sense Grikoi was right there? He's pretty powerful, right? It just didn't sit right with me that someone was so easily able to find and enter his hideout, and then spy on him.
And the Master will be pleased. Alright, I admit; you've gotten me really interested in who this master is now. Seeing as it's apparently not Xelop, it's got to be someone else really powerful. Who we have yet to see...
I like it. Pretty good ending.
Well, that's pretty much all I've got. I've been following your writing for a while now, as well as this story, and I'm still invested in what goes down. So, I really hope you do continue it. It'll only improve your art more and more. Your writing may not be attracting too many readers right now, especially when you're this many chapters into a story, but remember that there's always someone who'll check it out.
Like me. (I might be late. Sorry.)
Keep it up, Glasses!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks so much for reading this chapter (and reviewing it). I can't tell you how grateful I am. Reading your reviews makes me want to write, to be honest. I was thinking about ditching it actually. But, I'm not going to do it.
And thanks for pointing out the typos and the grammatical issues and that sort of stuff. I'm glad Grikoi interests you. He might just be more important than he appears. I don't know yet.
Historic fiction + Fantasy is a lethal combination. You need lots of researching to get the facts right.
I think you have done a pretty good job with the flow of this chapter. Though I haven't read the previous chapters, I found this chapter pretty good.
The character at this point looks well developed and writing a spy story can be a tricky thing. The unpredictability factor could be really vital for the story.
I can't really help you with the story but I'd like to give some suggestions for spy story in general.
1. The unpredictability factor that shocks the reader.
I has seen a movie where an honest cop gets fooled by fake CBI officers who along with his help conduct fake raid and escape unhurt. A real CBI officer is appointed to trace the fake ones. Now that's a tricky story to develop and the story had it's own speed bumps, but the climax literally stunned everyone. It was revealed that the 'Honest cop' was himself a part of the fake guys and they conned the real guy successfully.
See how unpredictable it gets? We need something like that!
2. Characterization:
This looks quite good for your story as of now. And since I'm quite unfamiliar to other chapters I won't delve in there.
3. Sharp Writing and crisp editing:
I agree with Pretzelsnow. The editing is indeed sharp and poignant. Didn't see any dialogues in here but I hope you take care to balance action and reaction because dialogues are equally important!
Remember these tips and keep going ahead. All the best!
I personally think that this is way too short to be considered a chapter therefore I might not be able to do my full 10 point review as I always do.
This action is kind of staged in the middle of the book so because it's all about spying I will try hard.I have to compliment you that you edited this thoroughly before submitting it and for that you should be very happy proud.Now getting to the content I like how you painted a picture of this spy mysteriously spying on someone. Now I hope you have developed this character in earlier chapter very well so that the reader can follow along.The goal in writing mystery to have unpredictable action. If the action is predictable then for me it gets boring.Make sure that the actions of the people the main character is spying on do very unpredictable things to make the story be spicy if you know what I mean.Now I hope that this does have some historical fiction and fantasy in it because to be honest I do not see any of that.Right now I am seeing just plain fiction.Make sure that your chosen genre description at the beginning shines through this chapter and every chapter. Well,that's it.Hope this review helps and as I always say, keep on writing,reading, and submitting your stories!