Keed held the book shut and breathed heavily. Nidara’s whimpers rang in his ears. What had just happened? He looked up from his hand which was still on the rough, bark-like cover of the book. Novara was crouching next to Nidara, trying to sooth her but she did not seem to be aware of anything. He stood straight and made to walk around the table. Nidara needed to see a healer. Fast.
“In the name of the King, do not move!” a brutish voice hollered from behind him. He tried to turn around but there was something pointy aimed at his back point blank. A sword.
It was the guards standing outside the doors of the study. In the excitement of the moment none of them had noticed the guards barging in to their Princess’s rescue.
“I knew we could never trust you again, General Keed,” the guard said. A guard? Speaking with such spite? He must really hate me.
Novara looked up at that moment. It took her some time to register the scene in front of her.
“Utter the word Princess, and I shall sever his head!”
“No. He did nothing of this. Step back,” Novara ordered with a rather calm voice. However, her face displayed the real distress of the moment. She made to stand. The guard hesitated before removing his sword from Keed’s back.
Keed dashed around the room and tenderly put his hands around Nidara’s writhing frame. Novara helped him take her into his arms.
“Thank you, Novara.”
“Formalities later. She needs to see a healer,” she said nodding toward Nidara. “inform father,” she said to the guard. “And make sure you do not say anything you do not know for sure, and save me the trouble of fixing your mistakes.”
“Yes, Princess.” The guards bowed and bolted out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~
Nidara still writhed in pain. The healer they brought to her was doing his best.
“It appears that Princess Nidara is going through a subconscious seizure. She is not aware of the things around her. But the medicine is doing its work, patience is necessary,” the healer informed. Novara nodded in understanding.
Keed stood with his head hanging. How could he have let this happen? He thought he ended any force that controlled him; held him back from protecting Nidara. He heard her screams in his head. They had sounded far away, as if stowed away in a deep dungeon in the confines of his being. He should never have let Xelop lure him into his trap. How idiotic of him! The king and his family had been in no way responsible for his father’s death. Alas! He only realized that after Xelop captured Nidara.
He was only vaguely aware of Nidara’s slowly receding whimpers.
The king burst in, and close at his heels was General Thyen. They both looked befuddled; the King, slightly more so. The General had an angrier demeanor at hand.
“Wh-whatever happened?” the King asked, breathless.
Keed opened his mouth to reply.
“It was the books.” Novara said.
All looked to her.
“Books?” General Thyen asked.
“Yes. Father, there was an identical book on sorcery in our study. We were about to study them together when all of this happened.”
The king remained in an incredulous fit.
“Nonsense! Books are merely exactly that. Books. They have no power to harm. It is all Keed’s doing. I can bet my sword on it!” the general sneered. “I knew we could never trust a betrayer; I told you so, Your Majesty. But you did not believe me.”
“Keed is as clueless about what happened as I am!” Novara retorted. “General, I know his past begs controversy, but I beg you to not interfere with things you do not understand.” Not that I understand it myself…
General Thyen made to rejoinder.
“Stop this meaningless argument!” the King roared in anger. His daughter was suffering and these two had the audacity to quarrel in a situation like this. Even now her whimpers rang through the room. “General, you will learn to control your tongue. I gave you your position because your decisions are trustworthy at times of need. I will not have my choice thus defiled!”
Thyen closed his mouth and composed himself. “Yes, Your Majesty,” He said slowly.
The king sighed. “Now, Novara, tell me what happened.”
Keed watched in silence as Novara told the other two the unfortunate happenings of the afternoon. He himself was only aware of the things that happened before and after his “possessed” state. He listened with care. He noticed, to his astonishment, that Novara was seemingly keeping some things to herself. She kept glancing at him from the corner of her eye. And he knew that it was at these points in the story that she had observed something worth withholding. He wondered what.
~~~~~~~~~~
He noticed Nidara stir in her sleep. The effect of the medicine and her exhaustion from the seizure was wearing finally wearing off after many hours. It was already dark. Keed had lost track of time.
Nidara moaned out of stiffness. Keed stood up. He had to call Novara. They would both want to see each other, no doubt. He walked to the door, but before he could open it Nidara said something. He turned around.
She was looking at him earnestly, her eyes tired. “You are leaving me?” she asked, her tone sounding sad, battered.
He was quick to reply. “No, I was only going out to call Novara. You want to see her, no?”
Her eyes became softer than they were. “Stay. Novara can wait.”
What? Why would she want me to…
As if reading his uncertainty, she spoke again. “Keed, stay. She can be called a bit later.”
He heaved a sigh. “Alright. As you say, Nidara.” This reminded him of when they were young. Nidara would always ask him to stay a while when she felt sick. No matter what work he had, or what mission he had to complete, he would have to stay. Even a year ago she had asked him to sit with her when she had a fever, right before Xelop attacked. Right before it all fell apart.
He shook off the thoughts and stood by her bed, staring at his boots.
“Do I have to tell you to sit?” she asked with a hint of a smile.
He jerked his head in her direction. “No! No, of course not.” He drew up a chair and was about to sit…
“Wait,” Nidara said, “I need a drink of water.”
He smiled, without even knowing why. Maybe because this was a step back towards the way they were before everything went wrong; or perhaps because of the childishness of her request. He went and poured a goblet of water out of the pitcher on her bedside table. He then carefully handed the goblet to Nidara, helping her sit up to drink. When she was done he placed the goblet back and sat down on the chair he had drawn up.
“Keed,” she asked after a moment of silence, “what happened?” she turned toward him, so as to see his face completely.
He breathed heavily. “Nidara, I am as clueless about this as you are. I think we both understand that this was a part of Xelop’s powers manifested through the two books. I witnessed you going through a seizure after I recovered from the influence…” he hesitated. He had sworn to her that he had broken all the bonds that held him captive to Xelop’s command.
“Influence?” she asked, obviously filling up the gaps by herself. He knew she was more than adept. She was raised to be.
He broke eye contact with her for a second.
“You could not break it completely, could you?” she asked in a sad tone.
He shook his head. “And I only just now realize it. Just as I realized I had been lured with lies into Xelop’s campaign. Just as I let my love for my father cloud my better judgment.”
She remained silent for some time. “Keed, it is not your fault. You can reclaim naught by brooding over what has passed. Best you learn from it. Your enemies and your past are your best teachers.”
“But it is my fault, Nidara. I let my faith in you falter. If I had been a better master of myself—“
“You could only fight him for so long, Keed. Xelop is not someone you could have held hostage. You know that better than anyone.”
He restrained his self blame. There was no use. He could wallow in all the self-pity he wanted inside the safety of his home. The moment he stepped into the castle, however, he would have to forget all his woes. ‘Twas an old promise they had made, he and Nidara.
“”Does father know?” she asked after what seemed to be an eternity.
“Yes. And so does general Thyen.” he answered.
“Who told him?” she asked, rather irate.
“He was perchance with your father when the news reached him. He came with to see you.”
“I see,” she paused. “I think it is okay to call Novara now.”
“Okay.” He walked to the door. Before opening the door, he turned around. “Nidara, I have a feeling you want to say something to me.”
She smiled slightly. “Perchance, I had a dream.”
~~~~~~~~~~
To be continued…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi there! I'm back for more!
Oh, so now we're seeing things from Keed's perspective. Interesting. You know what? I think Keed is my favorite character. I can't really explain why he is, but I just know that he is. I guess it's because he's a sort of an underdog as the whole kingdom is against him because of the things that happened to him in the past. But now he's trying to work his way back into everyone's good light and he's really trying hard. Luckily he has Nidara on his side, otherwise this would be much harder for him. He's also quite caring, but strong and tough at the same time. I like that about him.
I just wanted to point out here that this part I underlined should be in a new paragraph. This part is Keed's thought, yes? That's why it should be separate. Right now, it seems like it's part of Novara's dialogue. But it's not. So start a new paragraph with this thought and make sure to add the dialogue tag such as "Keed thought". Thoughts use the same "rules" as dialogue do. New thoughts should start a new paragraph.
So, ellipses are used in dialogue when the character's words are trailing off. Yet here you describe that Keed hesitated. That would involve a dash instead of an ellipsis. A dash shows a sharp stop in speaking which is the feeling you want here.
Gah, what are you doing to me?! Making me wait even longer to find out what exactly happened with the books
I find it very interesting that Nidara doesn't want to see Novara yet. Up to this point, I thought that Novara was the most important person in Nidara's life. But now I'm thinking that position has been filled by Keed. Why else would she want him to stay and not go get her sister? I find that very interesting. I think Nidara and Keed's relationship is really starting to grow.
Alrighty then, I'm off to check out the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Sorry I took so long profile/ConfusedGlasses
I shall not dally long on this chapter, because another awaits. It's beauty has not diminished, if anything it has grown. No apparent errors were made, congratulations. These books are really freaky, it's like they took them into their past, or an alternate universe in which Xelop wasn't taken care of. I shall see you on the morrow!
~Kelpies.
Thanks! And I'm not really sure what these books do myself. Guess it will just come out over time... Thanks again!
Hey Confused!
You've already written another chapter to this series, and I'm back to check out your fifth chapter. Though, despite you thinking of this as a draft, it is still quite longer than the previous part. That's very good. The longer, the better.
This chapter picks up right after the previous one ended and moves the scene forward. It was well written, though I would have liked to have figured something more out. As of now, nothing new was added to the story. What happened to the three characters in the previous chapter is now being shared and informed with a few of the side-characters; the king and his general. They both have mixed reactions.
We don't know how Nidara is doing yet, or what exactly happened. It doesn't matter that you didn't move the story forward so much or so quicky yet though. All stories need these parts where there isn't that much happening. I guess I'm just reaffirming that I'd like all chapters to be longer. That way, you can also draw the reader in with some heavy scenes in each one.
Overall, this was pretty solid. There's not much I could change. There were a few instances in this part where I noticed you stepping a bit out of the narrative style, and there were a few other things I saw too, but I'll quickly go over those soon.
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
Keed already closed the book shut at the end of the previous chapter. To have him do it again here is redundant. How about; Keed held both hands tight on the book as he breathed heavily.
Edit
Quick typo.
I mentioned you going a bit outside of your narrative at times. This is one of them. You are writing in a third person narrative. Meaning, you narrator knows everything and is laying the story out for us. Here you have the narrator ask questions. In instances such as this, I'd suggest just writing them out in italics instead and having them serve as Keed's thoughts.
Edit
Grammatical error here. Both similar words, but they have a different meaning. An example to diffirentiate; I will sever your head from your body, and then I will give you a severe warning not to wear my hat again!
Edit
Both of these words were capitalized, none of them should be. Not even the first one, seeing as it's continued dialogue.
I really like the dialogue Novara has with her guards here though. She's commanding, brash, and tired of dealing with these guards. That's pretty good.
Just a small nitpick, but seeing as she's a princess, I would think they brought a healer to her instead of the other way around.
I might he lacking some memory here, but have you mentioned Keed's father before? I don't recall it. If he suspected that they had anything to do with his father's death, that would have been good character building. Maybe I just forgot.
So, you do this in all instances. I will, however, only bring this up this one time. 'King' is only capitalized when it's referenced as part of a title, for example; King Richard III. Otherwise, there is none needed. (Obviously, it's also capitalized if it's at the start of a sentence. xD)
In the line before this paragraph, you mention the king. It makes one assume that he is the one talking here, which made me wonder as to why he would bet his sword on it. Does the king carry a sword? Would he bet it? Anyhow, under this you refer to 'your majesty', which makes it clear that it's Thyen who is talking. I'd just make it more clear. Perhaps instead of 'He sneered', you could go for; 'The king sneered.'
Used 'beg' twice in a row here, right after one another.
Good!
Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on. I still like the overall story you've got going on. I'm just waiting for things to grow even bigger, mysterious and dangerous. I'm also really keen to get to see this Xelop guy. Hoping he makes and appearance soon and that his personality is great.
Looking forward to your next chapter, let me know when it's out. Your writing will only get better and better.
Keep it up, Confused!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thank you so much for your awesome review Birkhoff! This means a lot! And seeing as this was meant to be draft I'm going to add a lot of things. I'll let you know when I do. And, juts to clarify, it was Theyn betting his sword... hmm... gotta fix that...
By the way, you might like Xelop, but he's the bad guy...
The bad guy is often very interesting
I like ur previous avatar better...
Hey, sorry I'm so late with reviewing you.
Once again, let me remind you that I really like your plot and your writing style, but I have a little bit that I must critique.
I think your pacing is a little bit slow. If you asked me, the last three chapters could have easily been blended into one. It would not decrease the lenght of your story, but it wouldn't make reader feel he is five chapters into story where only a few major things happened. Though, if you prefer keeping the chapters separated, I suggest you adding something to pace up a little bit rather soon, some action-packed chapter would do a miracle.
I love how we got a small insight into Keed here, good job on that.
-Alchesmit
Yeah, I'm gonna be adding some stuff here, cause I see there's practically nothing happening here yet. Bear with me please...
Don't you worry! I just though I should point it out.