E - Everyone

The Chains of Duty Chapter 8: Truth or Lie (part one and two)

She stood by herself. Not that she expected anyone to be there with her, but it felt lonely. She looked around. “Where is this?” she wondered aloud. No one answered. The room looked familiar. She could not quite place her finger on it.

Then she spotted it. The king-sized bed on one side of the room, exactly where she thought she had seen it in another room. But that was not possible. No two rooms had the same dimensions in the palace. So this was it? Her father’s bedchamber. The one he had shared with her mother while she was still alive.

The sunlight sifted through a crack in the between the two pieces of cloth curtaining the balcony from the chamber. It was only a step away from her. She had the sudden urge to brush aside the curtains and stand in the balcony. She reached out and stopped. The beam of light cut right through her palm as if nothing were there. She looked at her other hand. She could see the marble floor through her fingers.

What is this?” she asked. And only now she noticed, her voice came out hollow. She could hear it, but only faintly, as if it were being muffled from outside.

The double doors that marked the entrance burst open, revealing a beauteous woman in obvious panic. She held a bundle of blankets to her bosom, her dark hair flailing in every which direction as she heaved labored breaths. A child of two clung to her, scuttling along on her tiny legs. The lady quickly bolted the doors from the inside.

Quick, Nidara, hide in the closet,” the lady whispered to the toddler.

In the…closet…?” the child asked, confused.

The woman turned to her, panting, and sunk to her knees. “Yes, Nidara. Hide in there. And do not come out, no matter what happens. Do not show yourself till your father comes to look for you. Do you understand?” she whispered in a hushed and hurried tone.

The child nodded slowly, still scared.”What about you, mother?” she asked.

The lady stroked the child’s face. “You need not worry about me, sweetheart.” Sadness lingered in her voice.

And Novara?” the child now asked.

I will make sure she is safe,” the woman said, and looked down at the bundle in her arms, which contained a newborn, “with my life if need be.”

They hurried to hide the two children. The toddler fit into the smallest compartment with room to spare. The woman placed a quick kiss on the child’s forehead before swinging the door shut. She then took to cocooning the baby on the bed. She was in the middle of wrapping a comforter around the baby when the double doors were banged from the outside. She gasped in shock, and then composed herself as best she could.

The next moment the door unbolted itself, and hissed open. In the doorway stood a man in a bellowing black cloak, an uncanny smile twisted his lips. The room was filled with a smell of burning wood.

The man strode toward the woman, Novara watched with growing anxiety. This was her mother before her death, perhaps her last moments. Why was she doing here? What was going on?

Trying to hide something are we now, Queen Nusada?” the man said in taunting. His black eyes reminded one of an unending abyss. They lit up in a wicked sort of amusement.

The woman’s jaw clenched. Her hands fisted themselves in the skirt of her dress. “You will not harm my children, Hozoar. Not while I still breathe.” The words tumbled out of her mouth in a fury-filled hiss.

The man pouted. “But you are trying to hide something I very much need, Your Highness.”

My children have nothing of worth to you!”

Oh, but they do. Especially your newborn.” His eyes floated over to the bundle of blankets on the bed. The baby had been asleep even with all the commotion. But now, under scrutiny of the man’s gaze, she began to stir, and soon began to wail.

The lady looked from the man to her baby in horror. “What does Novara have that you so much need?” she asked incredulously.

She has what I need to fulfill the prophecy.” He said eyeing the baby with obvious greed.

The lady spun around at his words. “The prophecy…?”

Yes, my dear Queen.”

The lady seemed to lose her breath for a few moments. Then, she said, “Do not take her. I plead you. She is a mere child. What can she give you?”

She can give me everything she has.” He said licking his lips.

NO!” the lady screamed. “No. She cannot.” She took a longing look at the infant, then spared a fleeting glance toward the compartment of the closet where she hid Nidara, so as not to let Hozoar notice. “Take me in her stead. I can give you more. More than she ever can.”

Hozoar chuckled. “Clever you are, Queen Nusada. Trading your life for your child’s. Clever you are.”

I beg of you. She will never do you any harm. None of Yawen will ever come in your way. Spare her.” Her breath came ragged. Her voice was on the edge of beggary. Her hands were clasped in earnest in front of her.

He brought a hand to his chin pretending to think. “Perhaps I could take you.”

Yes! Let my Novara live.”

But what of your very loving husband King Markoph?”

We need not worry about him. He is an intelligent man. He will know not to pursue me.”

Hozoar thought some more. Then he said, “Very well then. You will serve the purpose you claim, or die trying.” He stepped closer and Nusada sunk to her knees, tears started to stream down her face in torrents.

He swished his cloak just as sobs began to rake her body, and in a flash they were gone. The baby Novara continued to wail. She struggled against her wrappings in vain. Soon, the king bolted in, the minister of defense, Rudolf trailing behind. The king looked as disheveled as Novara felt awed. There was a possibility that her mother was, if not well, then at least alive.

Markoph examined the situation in the chamber. He saw baby Novara wailing and thrashing her limbs in an attempt to throw away her wraps. He picked her up and cooed gently. “There, there, child. Fear not. The worst has passed.” He sighed. “Sadly, it has taken your mother with it.”

Your Majesty,” said Rudolf, “where could Princess Nidara be?”

Markoph gasped. “I forgot about Nidara!”

A compartment door in the closet inched open, revealing a petrified two year old Nidara. She clambered down quickly and ran to embrace her father. He bent down and wrapped an arm around her. Tear tracks glistened on both their faces.

Novara made to step toward them but she felt herself being dragged back. The scenery around her began to become distant while starting to fade away. She was falling into a chasm, dark and dry and hollow. She jolted onto a solid surface, not too hard, not too soft, just enough to make one feel drowsy at once. And drowsy she felt. So drowsy that her eyelids refused to rise though she tried. So, she complied the urge to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued…

Comments & reviews · 4
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ThereseCricket
Comment

Hey, sorry about taking forever to get to this. After reading through everybody else's reviews, I really can't find anything to say, other than you did an amazing job here. I'll do my best to get a review on your 9th chapter before the end of the week. Again, so sorry. I agree with Birkoff, that this does deserve more attention. Will do my best! Thanks for your patience!

Thanks for giving this your time Therese. I appreciate that you keep coming back even though not immediately. I think the wait just binds us together more strongly.

User avatar
birk
Review
birk wrote a review · Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:39 pm

Hey Glasses!

I'm finally back for what is so far your latest chapter. You seem to have published several chapters in a relatively short time span and I appear to have missed them. I'm finally caught up again though. ;)

As I said in your previous chapter, I was anticipating this part to be your best. And I have to say; I think it is. It's both written very well, is very interesting, and raises your story to another level. I feel more connected to it now.

You did a lot of things right in this chapter. Novara walking through this memory is written very well. I don't find any particular problems with any continuity, as she could technically remember this, despite being a toddler at the time. I also liked that you managed to keep two versions of her in the same scenes, without getting them confused for the reader. The small differentiation between 'Novara' and 'baby Novara' is a simple and easy one, but effective.

The portrayal of the girls' mother is done very well. She feels real and authentic, a mother who would do anything to protect her child. You also introduced a new character in this chapter. A rather villainous one. Which I hope you will bring back into the story again at some point because he was done quite well. The descriptions of him was very effective, and you gave him a pretty intimidating personality. A lot of that would obviously attribute to the situation, but still.

The dialogue is pretty decent. Both the dialogue between the child Nidara and the mother, as well as the one between the mother and Hozoar is good. And you do a good job of writing around their dialogue, and even keeping Novara in the mix.

And it appears that this entire chapter is about two things. First, it's obviously a way to bring Novara out of her unconsciousness or 'coma', and secondly, it's about the revelation that their mother is possibly still alive. Which is a pretty major reveal. I'm assuming Novara will now wake up with this information and the story continues from there. Hopefully we'll see both the mother and this Hozoar character make an appearance. Because they worked.

Well then, there was a lot of things to praise in this chapter. I'm not even sure if I generally have anything I'd change up on.

In any case, I'll look through it again and write as I go along:

Then she spotted it. The king-sized bed on one side of the room, exactly where she thought she had seen it in another room. But that was not possible. No two rooms had the same dimensions in the palace. So this was it? Her father’s bedchamber. The one he had shared with her mother while she was still alive.
Aside from telling the location of where this is all happening, I'm not sure I get the rest of this line. She thought she had seen another one of these king size beds in another room? But no two rooms have the same dimensions as each other? I'm not sure how this relates to anything. I'm thinking maybe you were trying to play up some psychological elements of her being locked in the 'coma' and her trying to figure out what is going on and stuff. And I like that. But you could have done that slightly better.

I'm also questioning the bolded line in there. Not sure what it's about or why it's a question.

Edit
The sunlight sifted through a crack in the between the two pieces of cloth curtaining the balcony
Remove this word.

Edit
She had the sudden urge to brush aside the curtains and stand on the balcony.
'On' the balcony, rather than 'in' the balcony.

I'm really liking the way you revealed her form. The light piercing through her hand and then her noticing that she is transparent.

Suggestion
She looked at her other hand; the marble floor was visible through her fingers.
This is a neat place to use a semicolon though. Along with a quick rewording to avoid the repetition of 'she'.

Suggestion
She could hear it, but only faintly; as if it were being muffled from outside.
Same deal. ;)

A child of two clung to her,

I might have replaced this with 'a small child clung to her,' as describing the actual age seems like a bit too accurate.

“Quick, Nidara, hide in the closet,”

The first comma is unnecessary.

Do not show yourself till your father comes to look for you. Do you understand?” she whispered in a hushed and hurried tone.
This is all good. One thing I really enjoy about this is that she actually listens. She doesn't reveal herself until the king verbally mentions her. Nice.

“I will make sure she is safe,” the woman said, and looked down at the bundle in her arms, which contained a newborn, “with my life if need be.”
As I said earlier, this dialogue is very well written!

Edit
She then took to cooing the baby on the bed.

I'm pretty sure this is what you were going for here, right?

The next moment the door unbolted itself, and hissed open.

Remove the comma.

Edit
In the doorway stood a man in a bellowing black cloak; an uncanny smile twisted his lips.
Changed the comma to a semicolon. Excellent spot for it.

The notion of the room now smelling like burning wood is good. It adds to the, shall we say, 'uncannyness' of the character.

Edit
What was she doing here? What was going on?

Quick edit.

Edit
“Trying to hide something are we now, Queen Nusada?” the man taunted.
Another quick one. Also; Novara, Nidara, and now Nusada? Whoa, these guys have a way with names. xD

Suggestion
she began to stir, and soon started to wail.

Just to avoid the repetition of 'began'.

“She can give me everything she has.” He said licking his lips.

I'm not gonna lie... this came across as particularly creepy and pervy. O.o

Hozoar thought some more. Then he said, “Very well then. You will serve the purpose you claim, or die trying.”
Hmm. If he needs the baby for the prophecy, how can the mother replace it?

Edit
Soon, the king bolted in, the minister of defense, Rudolf, trailing behind.
Added one last comma.

The last scene with the king entering the chamber and finding both of his children is good. And I really like his dialogue there. Very nice.

Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on. In the end, I'd say that this chapter is way ahead of any of the other ones. It really took a leap.

There's mainly just praise I wanted to give out in this one. Because it deserved it. The things I did bring up were mainly grammatical errors that you will get a better and better handle on as you write, read, and receive guidance and critique. It will all become solid after a while. But having the creativity to come up with a cool, interesting story to tell is even harder. And you delivered on the story today. Awesome.

Lastly, I'm sorry this hasn't received the amount of reviews and interest it should have. I may have been on the fence about this series in the past, but this right here is an awesome chapter, and it deserved a lot of credit.

Keep it up, Glasses!




Cheers
Birkhoff

Thanks for the review again.And I appreciate the praise but careful, it might get to my head.

User avatar
Kelpies
Review

Hello ConfusedGlasses!

I like how you showed us the princesses's pasts. However, I'm not sure how it will factor into the plot much. As I said before, you use To be continued... a lot, it's just a little overused. Can't wait for the next chapter! Hopefully it won't take me as long to get to it. See you soon! Again, my apologies for taking so long.

~Kelpies.

So, Kelpies, thank you so much for your time. Your reviews may be short but they sure got quality. And yeah I will take this through a serious round of editing. Who knows, even the plot might change...

This read left me so intrigued! I'm excited for the continuation of this tale. Your skill in narrating flashback scenes in excellent and I love how you portray the emotions throughout this piece. You use detail and explanation well in a way that flows perfectly in a readers mind, making it very clear and understandable. When a reader has to do less work understanding your piece, they can put more into relating. Thats what makes someone really enjoy a novel, and hell you really have that talent! I hope I get to read the next piece! Good luck and KEEP WRITING! -Shaylin

I appreciate the praise Shaylin. Thanks for giving this a try.



An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown