E - Everyone

The Chains of Duty Chapter 3:The Twins

“There is absolutely no need for you to worry, Princess,” General Thyen reassured her vainly, “I will personally make all the arrangements necessary.”

Keed held his head down, staring intently at his hands, clasped on his lap. The General, the oldest son of the Minister of Defense was addressing Nidara as though he were her suitor. Perhaps he was. So much could have happened while he was gone. He felt somewhat uncomfortable.

“General,” Nidara replied, “this is not something personal. As such, I would prefer you talk to my father on the matter.” It was very unpleasant indeed, being addressed in a full court in such a way. She had been the one to opt for his help. However, that did not in any way give him a leverage to converse with her in the diction of a suitor.

“Yes,” he said, somewhat dismayed. Turning to the King, he added, “Indeed, Your highness, I will make all the arrangements myself.”

“That is indeed an immense relief to hear, General Thyen, Son of Rudolf.” An expression of reprieve flooded the King’s features. “That is all for today.”

“That is all for today,” the King said. Immediately, the throne room began to slowly empty. In the end the only people remaining were the King, his two daughters, Keed, and of course, General Thyen.

“I will set about with the preparations shortly, Your highness. If you would excuse me,” the General said bowing.

“Yes, of course.” The king waved his hand. Within a minute, Thyen was gone.

“Keed,” Nidara called, “Do not forget what I asked of you.”

“Yes Princess I will remember,” he said. Soon after, Keed also excused himself.

~~~~~~~~~~

“It appears to me, Sister,” Novara said on their way to their quarters from the throne room, “you have an admirer.” There was a jovial edge in her tone.

“It appears to me, Novara,” Nidara replied somewhat mischievous herself, “that you are very keen to see me off.”

“Not as much as I am to see our friend Keed off,” she said sarcastically.

“You still have not forgiven him have you?” Nidara said, more to herself than to her sister. Of course she had not forgiven him yet. Nidara herself was reconsidering her decision to listen to what he had to say. To some extent.

“Honestly, Sister. How can you expect me to? If I were in your place, I would make sure he rotted in jail. Sometimes I think perhaps you do not understand the sort of damage he has inflicted upon all of Yawen. No matter if he was under some kind of mystical influence while he did so, he deserves punishment.”

“That I too understand Novara,” Nidara said. They both quieted down as they reached the entrance of their chambers. The intricate carvings on the doorway and the double doors themselves reflected the sunlight shining in the hallway.

Once they were inside Nidara started again, “I understand that as well as any person would, Novara. However, he is one of father’s favorites. And to add to that he has a reputation, both good and bad. Just as there are people protesting to his safe custody within the inner walls and his presence in court, if he was jailed there would be people to protest against that.”

They both sat down at their study inside their spacious chambers. Shelves of books lined the walls up to the ceiling. They contained books on everything princesses would ever need to know, and much, much more.

But there was only a single book on sorcery. Most of its pages contained odd markings in ink which were obviously made after it was written. Nidara had stumbled upon it once in a troubled state of mind after one of Xelop’s first attacks.

“Sister, is that the real reason why you agreed to allow him?” Novara asked, “Or is it only what you are trying to convince the more logical part of yourself?”

Nidara was taken aback. “Do you really think me so weak, Novara?”

“It is nothing about weakness, Sister,” Novara said softly, fondly, sadly, “You know better than I why I say this.”

Nidara sighed. But then she wondered. If she had thought differently, would she have acted differently?

“Sister,” Novara said grasping Nidara’s hand fondly, “pardon me. I did not intend to affect you.”

Nidara smiled. “Hold your apologies, Novara. I do not let such petty things affect me.”

“That is good. I will never be as good as you Sister.” Novara said smiling. “Sometimes I know I behave somewhat rudely.”

“Not more than General Thyen at court.” Both of them smiled wider.

“True. Very true. Now, shall you teach me something of import? I have not had a proper study session since Xelop attacked!”

~~~~~~~~~~

“Me lady, the King sends news,” an announcer woman said bowing.

“What would father have us do?” Nidara asked not looking up from the book she was instructing her younger sister from.

“He wishes that me ladies dine with him. The table is set. I was sent to call on me ladies.”

“Why would father give us such short notice?” Novara asked.

“Will anyone else be there?” Nidara asked the woman.

“Yes. me lady.”

“Who?”

“Lord Keed.”

“Keed?” Novara asked, incredulous.

“I thought so.” Nidara whispered. “We will be there shortly,” she said turning to the woman. “I asked Keed to bring the evidence of his knowledge, namely, the book he gathered knowledge from.”

“Oh, I see.”

“We should go now,” Nidara said standing up. “Come Novara.” Novara got up. Together they walked to the dining hall. It was over noon. The hallways were extremely hot. They hurried. When they entered the King and Keed were already seated at their places.

“Ah! Welcome my daughters! Take your seats. Today we shall dine like kings!” their father greeted.

“Father, you are a king.” Novara said.

“Yes, but you, my dear, certainly are not!” he replied, laughing jovially. Even Keed seemed to chuckle.

“Father, enough with the jokes,” Nidara’s comment brought an air of seriousness into the atmosphere.

They started on their meal shortly. And as they dined, Keed revealed the source of his knowledge on Xelop’s sorcery. He brought out a hardbound book. Nidara was shocked when she beheld the book, for it’s cover was an exact copy of the book she had found in her study. She hid her observation well, however.

“This book here gave me the knowledge I needed about the sort of sorcery Xelop was using n me. One might think it was useless since I was already out of his influence by then. It was much needed, however, for the next thing I was going to do. It helped me understand what I had to tell myself in order to make things work,” Keed finished.

“And this book is the basis of all the information you have given us, yes?” Nidara asked.

“Not all, but a large portion of it, yes. The rest is derived from personal experience.”

“I think you should study it, Nidara, Novara. It is an important advantage we have, at solving the problems Xelop’s invasion has left us.” the King said eagerly.

“Yes Father, we will,” Novara said, “will we not Sister?”

“Of course we will,” Nidara replied. “Keed, I must ask you to hand me the book.”

“With honor, princess,” Keed said handing the book to her across the table.

“You plan to study it by yourself, Nidara?” the King asked.

Nidara looked at her father, confused. “How else do I study it Father?”

“Take Keed with you. He might be able to help.”

~~~~~~~~~~

The three of them reached the private study inside the princesses’ quarters. The King had been adamant on the analyzing of the book, and insisted that they start that very day. Novara was somewhat irate by the fact that Keed would be accompanying them. Her annoyance increased when Nidara suggested their own study as the venue for the matter.

“Keed,” Nidara said, “take a seat. And Novara, stop your sulking. We will have to work together on this.”

Keed immediately found himself a chair and sat down. Novara however folded her arms and huffed rather angrily. She remained standing.

“Novara, we do not have time for this,” Nidara said impatiently. Without waiting for her to reply she moved around the table and took her own seat. “Let us start.”

Keed nodded and laid the book out on the table. Nidara observed the same sort of marking on this book as well. “These markings,” Keed announced touching some of them at the edge of the page he had opened, “were made long after this book was written.”

This perked up Novara’s attention.

“How do you know for sure?” she asked, suspicious.

“The writing in the book is a little faded whereas the markings are relatively fresh,” he informed.

“I see,” Novara extended her hand so as to take into her hand.

“Wait,” Keed said, “There is something I wish to show you.”

“Proceed,” Nidara said.

Keed turned the pages of the book and came to stop at a particular page near the end. “Here, in this page it speaks of a twin.”

“A twin?” Novara questioned.

“Yes, a book that was written at the same time as this one and with the same intention, perhaps. I cannot be sure. But it says something about them being identical.” He looked at them expectantly, searching for understanding.

“This book is on sorcery, yes?” Nidara asked all of a sudden, standing up from her place and starting for the shelves.

“Yes, Nidara. But why do you ask?” Keed asked, eyeing her worriedly as her agile figure drifted across the shelves.

“Sister, what are you looking for?” Novara asked, also worried.

“Wait,” Nidara announced as she finally found what she was frantically looking for. She retrieved it from the topmost shelf in the darkest corner of the room. “I have found it.”

“Found what?” Novara inquired anxiously.

“The twin.” Nidara walked back toward the table. Keed watched with astonishment.

What is going on?

Nidara placed the book on the table and opened it near the end. She wanted to show the page to Keed and Novara. She wanted to show them that this book also talked about a twin.

But, as soon as the spine of the book in her hand hit the top of the table, she felt excruciating pain in her back.

She was in that dark damp dungeon, tied to that post. Her freshly burnt skin reminded her again and again of her position, yet threatened to pull her into the realm of eternal sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued…

Comments & reviews · 9
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User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:54 pm

Hi there!

About time I got around to this, right? Sorry I've been a bit busy. But I'm here to review now! :D

Immediately, the throne room began to slowly empty.

This sentence seems a bit contradictory to me. Since you use the word 'immediately' here, it suggests an immediate and fast motion. But then the room slowly empties. Those two descriptions don't really go together.

“It appears to me, Sister,” Novara said on their way to their quarters from the throne room, “you have an admirer.”

This is just a small nitpick here. Make sure that when you break up dialogue like this, the second part of the dialogue has to be capitalized. Even if it's the continuation of a sentence, it still has to be capitalized. There are times in here when you did capitalize the second part so that shows me you know that you're supposed to. But all the same, there are times when you don't capitalize the second part. So I'm pointing it out to you now so you'll remember for the future.

I find the dialogue in this novel very interesting. It's not like the dialogue you'd usually run across while reading a novel. Of course, that's because these characters are royalty and this is the way you speak. I have to commend you on how realistic you are keeping all this. I think it would've been most definitely harder to picture if Novara and Nidara spoke in slang and how people talk now a days. Keeping the dialogue realistic to the rank of your characters is very helpful in getting across the overall feel of your novel to the readers.

Novara said softly, fondly, sadly,

Can you speak with those many emotions at once? I'd suggest sticking to just one, maybe two at the most, descriptions of how your characters are speaking. It's always nice to have those specific descriptions, but it's a bit hard to figure out exactly how she says it once there is more than just a few descriptions.

Whoa, talk about an intense ending! I'm guessing that that is a vision that she is having, yes? Now just to figure out if it's a vision linked to a memory or if it's a vision of someone else going through this. Gah, cliffhangers!

This is another good chapter here. You keep up the flow of this novel quite well. There haven't been any breaks in the story or places where I felt lost or confused. Your characters are quite consistent as well. Everything they're doing is predictable (in a good way -- as in their actions fit their personality) and we're really getting to know the characters better.

Alrighty then, I'll head over to the next chapter as soon as I can!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
Kelpies
Review
Kelpies wrote a review · Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:27 am

Wow! The suspense is killing me! I shall not stay for much longer on this review, just to congratulate you again on how amazing this book is, and to list some minor errors.


Capitalization error:
"good as you Sister." It should be sister instead of Sister. And a comma before sister.
Some other minor errors:
"Me lady" My lady? Mi lady? M' lady?
"using n me." On me?

That's it. I am on my way to the next chapter.

~Kelpies

Thanks for pointing out this stuff. I'm going to go on an editing spree when I've posted some more chapters. Thanks anyway!

User avatar
RoyalHighness
Review

Hey Glasses!
RoyalHighness has arrived to review! And I'm sorry I took so long!
Alright, so this was good. You're keeping up the elegant diction to match the time period and dialogue, which is good. The character development of Novara in this chapter and the relationship between her and Nidara is really flourishing.
The only issue is that I don't hear enough of the narrator. Our narrator is weak. Where are they? Without a strong narrator, the elegant diction becomes burdensome to read. We need someone to break up the difficulty of reading the dialogue with some objective narrative. Think about it.
There are a few places that need some more commas, but I don't like to nitpick unless it's a big deal, which this isn't, so no worries.
I wanted to see some more Keed in this chapter. I wanted to see this from his perspective, so maybe try a chapter from his point of view to shake things up a bit.
I think that's about it...Your story is progressing so far, but you need to be careful to make sure something /happens/ in every single chapter, to keep the reader engaged. Here, all I took from it is that Novara doesn't trust Keed and that a General was rude to Nidara in a court. Try to get some more action or plot progression in the coming chapter. Move your story along! And keep writing, because I want to find out whether Keed is evil or not. Good job!

User avatar
birk
Review
birk wrote a review · Wed Jun 25, 2014 3:20 am

Hey Confused!

Back to review your third chapter. I'm real sorry it took so long for me to get around to it. I've been quite busy lately.

Without hesitation, let's jump right into it.

Well, what I first noticed, was the fact that this chapter picks up immidiately where the previous one left off. We continue with the courtroom scene, yet, we are not talking about the same thing. They are no longer talking about these people in need and there seems to be a new character introduced.

When continuing a scene like this, I'd definately either want the subject changed through moving the plot along, or following up on what they were talking about.

That is, I think this is what is going on. It's a bit hard to tell, as we just jump straight into the discussions again. This is the same scene, right? Was General Thyen there all the time?

My only other overall beef, would be that this chapter was quite boring. Not a lot happened. The only thing of importance that happens in it is the end, which this is all leading up to and I guess we'll have to find out about in the next chapter. The thing is, most of the stuff which leads up to this moment is unnecessary. You could get to the endgame much quicker here, and if not, at least fill the chapter with more exciting stuff.

Aside from this, what I also noticed in several places where some issues with commas.

I'll cover this, as well as some other thoughts as I write along:

Edit

any way give him a leverage to converse


“That is indeed an immense relief to hear, General Thyen, Son of Rudolf.”

Unless Minister of Defense Rudolf is going to be a major character we'll need to learn about, what is the point of this? Why would he even address him as such?

Edit
“Yes Princess, I will remember.

This is one of several of your lines which could use a comma. I also changed the end to a period instead of a comma, seeing as he doesn't continue any dialogue.

Edit
“You still have not forgiven him have you?” Nidara asked,


Edit
“That, I too understand Novara,

Added a comma. The way I read this, it would make sense for her to have a small pause there.

See, once you start talking about this book now, I get kind of interested again. I like where you are going with that.

“Do you really think me so weak, Novara?”

So, another thing that kept popping up. All your dialogue between both the sisters has them referencing each other. It's not necessary to have them mentioning stuff like 'sister', 'Novara' and 'Nidara' etc to each other. Seeing as it's only the two of them in the scene, the dialogue won't confuse any readers.

Suggestion
“You know better than me why I say this.”


Edit
I will never be as good as you ,Sister.

Another added comma.

Edit
My lady, the King sends news,”

Small typo. Right? Because why would she say this?

Edit
“He wishes that my ladies dine with him. The table is set. I was sent to call on my ladies.”
No, seriously? Why would she be talking that way? That's silly.

I'd tone down on any and all slang.

Edit
“Yes, my lady.”

Yeah. I also changed that period into a comma.

I won't use more comma examples at this point. I feel I've hammered in enough. ;)

Suggestion
bring the evidence of his knowledge, namely, the book he gathered it from.”
You have knowledge twice after each other here. A quick word change and it looks better. It stood out.

“Father, enough with the jokes,”

Come on, I like the king. Let him make some jokes. ;)

Edit
beheld the book, for its cover was an exact copy

This is the only error of this kind in the piece, so you might have a handle on it and this was just a quick typo. In any case, I'll quickly go over it:

It's - It is
Its - Possessive

Edit
of sorcery Xelop was using on me.

Quick typo.

“I think you should study it, Nidara, Novara. It is an important advantage we have, at solving the problems Xelop’s invasion has left us.” the King said eagerly.
I'm having issues with accepting the fact that the king lets his young daughters try to unravel this instead of his aides and advisors. This is serious stuff, right? As much as I'd like to think he'd trust his daughters enough on this, I don't think he would. Is he going to anything else about this, other than leaving this to them?

I don't really think we know too much about this kingdom and world yet. You need to build on it.

Edit
Novara extended her hand so as to take it into her hand.

Bit of an awkward line, and I think you missed a word.

What is going on?

Wait, who is thinking this? I'd add a tag to the end of this, to make it more clear whether it is Keed or not.

But, as soon as the

Not a big offence. Still, try not to start any sentences with 'but'. Or 'and' for that matter.

Lastly, your ending lines doesn't read well. They feel tagged on and I have no idea what they are doing there in contrast with the story. Is it about Nidara? Is she the one being threathened with eternal sleep? Why? Is this written in the book? Is that why it is here?

Geez, you are such a nitpick Birk. ;)

That's pretty much all I got on this chapter. I didn't find it too exciting, but the overall story still interests me.

You write fairly well and what I do have to comment on is mostly repeats and similar errors. You move the story along okay and you have a nice vocabulary. What I would like to see more of is for you to bring more creativity and life into this universe you are writing around. Right now it feels kind of bland.

I'm hoping you continue this story, and I'll see you in any eventual future chapters.

Keep it up!


Cheers
Birkhoff

Thank you for the wonderful review and suggestions @Birkhoff! I will keep these in mind and try to improve. Thanks a bunch for taking your time and reading this. By the way, chapter 4 is out... I think.

Hey, It's not the same day. and they are talking about the same thing...guess its not that obvious...my bad. And the me lady thing is sort of like a dialect... if you know what i mean
And yeah thanks for pointing out the study thing, but i guess it could build up to something.

User avatar
Alchemist
Review

Time for the review! :)

I will be a little bit critiquing on here, but don't get me wrong, I like your story so far.

So the problem with this chapter, at least to me is that mostly nothing happens in there. At the end we get to know about the book the Keed had brought. So there should actually be much more free space for a character develpement here, I think you should work on it. For that matter, I think it is not good to keep two main characters names so simillar. It is distracting, and absolutely not helpful with the character developement. It just wont allow me imagine any scenery, it mixes them up.

Also, do you really want to keep a name 'Rudolf' in your novel? It is too funny, not problematic though, but funny yeah.

-Alchemist

thanks for the review @http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/memberlist.php?mode=viewprofile&u=40401
I dont know about rudolf honestly I'm thinking of revamping this chapter completely
Any way, I'll let u guys know what ever I do

Hey there! Cricket here as requested! Thanks for messaging me by the way.

I'll do my best to be super helpful in this review, but seriously I'm having trouble finding anything! :P

I'll just try and find some nitpicks and then be on my way.....

NITPICKS!!!!

“There is absolutely no need for you to worry, Princess,”


After "worry" that comma isn't necessary.

Your highness


So highness should be capitalized. Sorry if half of these nitpicks are dumb. :P

Soon after, Keed also excused himself.


Now something I've noticed is that you seem to do a lot of telling and not enough showing. If you tell us everything then it leaves no room for us~the readers~to guess on what everything looks like, while still getting a clear picture of what everything is supposed to be looking like and what everyone's doing. So like just run through and make sure you keep it showing and not telling. Telling will bore the reader, not engage them.

“Me lady,


I'm pretty sure you mean "My lady".

OK, now I do have just one main thing to nitpick or just talk about really here. THOUGHT. Where is it? Now in storytelling you need to maintain a steady balance of thought and dialogue, alongside description and so on. I think you bet the gist of what I'm saying...HOPEFULLY. But anyway....I'm not seeing any thought, but only dialogue. You need to make sure you do dialogue and thought intermixed with each other. And then you intermix description with it all, and it turns into a beautifully fleshed out story! :D

And then plot of course. Although a good plot is important to have, well developed characters are even more so. Your readers want somebody who is strong, but human in a way. They want somebody to relate to. Not somebody who is perfect. Now I'm not saying right now that you have problems with that. I'm just saying to make sure you keep that in mind.

Moving on.....

Of course she had not forgiven him yet. Nidara herself was reconsidering her decision to listen to what he had to say. To some extent.


Cool names by the way! But here I just have a slight nitpick....don't tell us all this just yet. Drag it out, and tell us later in dialogue.

,” Nidara’s comment brought an air of seriousness into the atmosphere.


This seems rather like an info dump. How about you show us this through the thought process and actions?

“The court is adjourned!” the page boy announced.


Hmmm, would the page boy announce it? OK, I honestly don't know, but I thought I would just take this LITTLE oppurtunity to give a TINY bit of advice. :P Hope I don't sound overly pompous. :D

So here goes....

One mistake that writers just LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVEEE to make is this. They don't do their research, and they end up getting a fact wrong. And if your editor doesn't catch on to it, a reader WILL. And you'll end up looking like you don't know anything, and everything will be ruined (I'm stretching things a little right now in order to get my point across :P) For example...I showed one of my latest works to my dad, and he read it, and then told me I had gotten the system of measurement wrong for that time period. The metric system hadn't even been invented yet! So the moral of the story....to always do your research! Even if its the dumbest thing possible! OK, end of ramble! :D

Now the next thing I enjoy lecturing people about is SHOW...DON'T TELL...With this, there are a few spots where you just tell us, and don't show anything. Make sure you show with actions and thought, and dialogue as well....if you just tell and don't show, the reader will get bored and go find something else to read. Just the way it is. Sooooo I think that's clear enough...

OK, I think that's it! Keep writing! Oh, and tell me when you post next!

uh oh..I think I lectured you twice on SHOW DON'T TELL....Just ignore that! :P

It was awsome! I really enjoyed reading your review. Thanks a lot! And this is sort of the first time that someone found a big problem in my writing. @RoyalHighhness got to a different problem but hey at least it gives me something to work on. Thanks a lot!

No problem! Your work was truly awesome!!

User avatar
RoyalHighness
Review

Hey Glasses!
RoyalHighness has arrived to review! And I'm sorry I took so long!
Alright, so this was good. You're keeping up the elegant diction to match the time period and dialogue, which is good. The character development of Novara in this chapter and the relationship between her and Nidara is really flourishing.
The only issue is that I don't hear enough of the narrator. Our narrator is weak. Where are they? Without a strong narrator, the elegant diction becomes burdensome to read. We need someone to break up the difficulty of reading the dialogue with some objective narrative. Think about it.
There are a few places that need some more commas, but I don't like to nitpick unless it's a big deal, which this isn't, so no worries.
I wanted to see some more Keed in this chapter. I wanted to see this from his perspective, so maybe try a chapter from his point of view to shake things up a bit.
I think that's about it...Your story is progressing so far, but you need to be careful to make sure something /happens/ in every single chapter, to keep the reader engaged. Here, all I took from it is that Novara doesn't trust Keed and that a General was rude to Nidara in a court. Try to get some more action or plot progression in the coming chapter. Move your story along! And keep writing, because I want to find out whether Keed is evil or not. Good job!

Thanks alot Royal! And yeah I have got something up my sleeve for the upcoming chapter ;) and thanks for all the advice. This was meant to be from third person POV but I guess I could try some new things out. I don't know what happened but somehow witing Keed got awkward. I'm working on it.

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Alchemist
Comment

I will review this later, need to study now. :(



Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.
— Welcome to Night Vale