Red monochrome blood surrounded me. The blood issued from the dead man that lied before me. His face was colorless, and his body reeked of putrefaction. I couldn't help it. I had to kill him. No, I am not a vampire, but I still survive on the blood of others.
I took a small vial, and put it over the pool of blood. The vial captured the blood, and it was suddenly encased in a small capsule. I put the necklace on my neck, and the blood flowed inside of me. My body pulsated as the blood entered. My heart was beating constantly. Rapidly.
I turned around, my shoes clanking in the dark alley as I walked. Rats, mice, and bugs scurried through, as I walked towards the opalescent lights. I turned the corner, and casually walked down the streets. Frantically, I looked behind me, as I began to run down the street. I saw a light brown, cashmere car, and I walked towards it.
"It's me." I said.
"Tyreese?" a voice asked.
"Yes, open the door." I commanded. The door was pushed open, and I got in.
"Where's Lazereth?" I asked.
"Fool... this is the wrong car." the man said, revealing his face from the newspaper.
I sat amid in the car, and I gaped in awe,"Inspector Dreyfus... you just can't seem to stop."
"Tyreese, you're under arrest for murder. Driver, pull over."
The driver pulled over at the nearest Wawa, and a deviant smile secreted from my lips. I grabbed Inspecto Dreyfus by his shirt, and pulled him towards me.
"This is the end." I whispered in his ear.
I extended my hand, and my nails transfigured into sharp talons. My eyes flared a vibrant green, and I scratched my talons against his soft cheeks. Dreyfus winced in pain, as blood issued and painted his face. A sly smile riddled my face.
"Driver... call 911!" Dreyfus yelled.
"Here lies the proxy, for I am not you driver."
"Then who are you?" Dreyfus asked.
A guy with pale skin, and matted brown hair appeared. His eyes a golden hazel brown.
"Lazareth?"
"Hello Tyreese, I was waiting for the right time."
"Get me out of here. Please! I'll do anything!" Dreyfus begged.
"Hmmm... no. I'd like to watch you suffer and drown in the sins of your pride." I said, scratching my nails against his arm.
"I had everything planned, I was going to put you in jail. I knew it would kill you. You would have suffered for all the murders that you have committed." Dreyfus said.
" As if you could survive in the fleeting struggle of life in this dark, disdained world." Lazereth mocked.
"I could, and I still will." Dreyfus announced.
"No you won't. Don't kid yourself. Tonight will be the last night you survive in this hostile web of austere malevolence, that you have failed to stop. You will die knowing that more lives will be taken." I said, digging my talons down his arm.
"This is not the end." Dreyfus said, and he tore himself from me.
"Then what is it?" I asked.
"The beginning." he said, then he punched my stomach, and I fell onto the floor of the car, as he ran out of the car.
Dreyfus got in another car, and disappeared into the night.
End of chapter
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
I'm new to your whole series, but I saw you had a later chapter in the new book sections, so I decided to follow till I got to your first story. Since I'm new to your book history, I'm a bit confused but from what I read, I really liked your characters. Tyreese seems powerful and I will follow up on more stories to see how his whole story will play out. Dreyfus is interesting too, he seems like a powerful cop. Like I said, I like the story and I will continue reading, thanks for the good read. I am a new fan
Hey Cesare!
I am here to review the beginning of the follow up story! I am glad to see you continue this and am interested to see what you hold for us now. I have to say, your description when it comes to writing has improved quite the bit, and is getting better all the time. The one problem with your writing style is that you tend to repeat the same words a lot, even when you used the same word in just the previous sentence. When you look over the chapters before you post, you should really look out for this and see ways in which you can say the same thing but then change the words used.
This is interesting... to have a main character such as Tyreese, who needs blood but isn't necessarily a vampire himself at all. And yet he can produce super sharp claws so I am interested to know what he is exactly... this might be something worth mentioning? It is clear he is no human, but he is no vampire either.
I don't really like describing blood as issued from the body. There are more creative ways to say it like seeps or leaks or flows... and they sound like they fit more in the sentence too. On top of this you use the same way of describing blood later on as well.
At the beginning of the chapter Tyreese is walking calmly down the street, and then suddenly runs and frantically continues checking over his shoulder. But wouldn't that look suspicious unless something had given him a reason to be running? Like hearing police car sirens behind him or something else? What is something a vampire would start running from?
What I like better about this story is that you have some of the traditional vampire things in here like craving blood, even if Tyreese is not necessarily a vampire. Gives it more of a dark feel though.
This scene left me utterly confused. Why was Lazereth suddenly there? Was he hiding in the back seat of the car or something. And would he really let someone in the car to try tricking his mate. No, Lazereth probably wouldn't taken down Dreyfus beforehand if he was merely hiding the car. It confused me because I thought it was just Dreyfus and Tyreese battling things out in the car... so why is he suddenly there? I am sure you have your reasons, but you should describe them to us in the chapter, in more detail.
Post on my wall and let me know when you have a new chapter out! I would love to read it so much. I am enjoying following this through.
Deanie x
Hey Cesare!
So you've decided to write another novella as a follow-up to Vampirial. That's really awesome!
Seeing as I've read and reviewed that entire other series, I'm definately up for checking out your new one as well.
Well, though you have improved in your writing, there still remains a whole bunch of issues and things you haven't fully learned yet. But I'm quite impressed with how much you write though. You followed through with your first series and gave it somewhat of a conclusion. And here you are again, ready to continue the entire series with another one. I'm sure it won't be long until you can look back on your first writing and see how much it has improved.
But anyhow, on to the story. I guess the first thing I should mention is that a lot of the story doesn't make too much sense. You see, there isn't a lot of explaining going on and it leads the the reader having no clue what is going on. Aside from this, there are also scenes that appear quite comical, especially the ending. But I'll comment on this as I go along.
To be honest, I kind of view writing in first person as limited. When writing in third person, you can convey everything much more clearer. And I just happen to like third person a lot more. I think you should experiment a bit more with it, you might like it a lot more as well. Though first person is also enjoyable; it's more personal to write and it's easier in the beginning.
Your dialogue has improved somewhat. Despite sounding a bit off at places, you have adapted a really good dialogue format and it's very easy to read. Good!
I also do like how you essentially named this chapter after the character we are currently following. I assume this is a multiple POV story and we'll be changing it at some point. Cool.
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
The way you open the story actually really interests me. We go right into something and we immidiately know it's going to be hectic. The red monochrome blood obviously paints quite a vivid picture and it goes well with the subject matter as blood tends to dry at different rates.
Edit
Frequent error. Easy to misuse.
Well, considering you just killed this man, his body wouldn't putrefy just yet. And though you don't explain when or how you kill him, it doesn't make sense that you killed him before coming to this alley. With the blood and all.
This really interests me. He is not a vampire, but yet, he needs to feed on the blood of others. Interesting. I'm eager to figure out more about this character and why he's a POV character in a vampire story. I guess it comes down to what exactly he is and his connection to it all.
Edit
Okay, this part needs more explaining. This entire paragraph does. You don't need to expand on everything you write, like the magic behind this necklace, but I'd like to know some basics. How does this thing even work? The vial absorbs the blood and then...the blood absorbs through it again and the skin then absorbs the blood? That seems redundant, why would he even need the necklace? He could just put his finger in the middle of the puddle and absorb it like that (PS, I love that! That image stuck with me now
Your heart is always beating constantly. One quick edit would make this look good though: My heart was beating rapidly. Just replace it and remove the fragment.
Now, as stated, your next paragraph has a lot of walking in it. So try to mix it up a bit. Read over your writing and see if things repeat too much. It can make a lot of difference.
As I said, it's good that you adopted this dialogue format; it looks a lot neater. However, try to keep writing around your dialogue, otherwise it sounds very broken up. An example:
Just a small example, but my main point: try to add more around your dialogue.
This is one of those places where italics can play a big part in your dialogue. This would tell us more if you added one here: "Inspector Dreyfus... you just can't seem to stop." Gives it a little more life. And the respective words you chose to italize can change the meaning of your sentences completely. Keep that in mind.
Okay, this is stupid. If he has already done several murders and they are going to arrest him, why on earth would this one inspector try to do it alone? No back-up at all? He doesn't even seem to know the driver, as he doesn't call him by any name.
Aside from this, why did he ask the driver to pull over? They weren't driving. Unless Tyreese entered into this car while it was moving, that is. Write more, don't keep it so short.
Well, now they were apparently driving. As I said, write more about what happens, because not everything is told. Anyhow, instead of using Wawa here, I'd supplant it with: The driver pulled over at the nearest gas station.
Edit
Quick error. Remember to proofread your work.
This word doesn't fit here.
Alright, this whole encounter with Dreyfus ended up a little comical for me. His plan to capture Tyreese was pretty stupid and his dialogue is weird. His mood goes from panicky to confident in a flash and he has these lines, which sound almost like one-liners.
Lastly:
Edit
So he's caught be these two guys and he just escapes out the door and randomly gets into another car? Quite a dull escape, why didn't either of them stop him? And where did that car come from? Did he just steal it?
I also removed a comma in this last sentence. There are a few places here and there were you don't need them and they just break up your sentences. Remember, a comma is basicly a pause, so say your lines out loud to see if you need a comma when you are unsure.
That's pretty much all I can say for your first chapter. Though I need to know more about him, I kind of like Tyreese. Introduce him more in the following chapters.
Your writing has improved a bit, and this is just the start. Looking forward to seeing more.
Keep it up, Cesare!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hey, Cesare!
You've definitely improved from your rookie works. The characters possessed depth, as did the narrator's voice, and your descriptions painted vivid images. However ... grammar.
No one enjoys a grammar review. They're just downright unhelpful. No one enjoys writing them either because they know they'll be cast aside. I'm begging you: listen. You're a budding writer, and I'll be frank, it shows. The clauses don't interlock. The details don't fit under one umbrella. No, I'm not here to quench any egos; I'm just stating the truth. Writing comes with experience.
You certainly have potential. You mastered sentence variation, character development, all the fun stuff. You ensnared and sustained my attention. But even the most talented writers make mistakes.
The "red monochrome" only exists for the sake of occupying space. "Surrounded" is also an overused verb, almost as overused as "filled."
Grammar: the comma's unnecessary. "Red monochrome" is a compound adjective, like "very big".
"Blood" gets redundant here. It renders the previous sentence unnecessary. Not to mention, their structures mirror each other. I'd suggest "A corpse lay before me, staining my shoes crimson" or at least something vaguely along those lines.
Grammar: "Lay" is the correct past tense, as in "they lay on the beach." Here's a chart.
This doesn't make any sense. Sure, you've a young audience, but pretty words fool none. His body reeked of a reeking body? And then you go on to say that the narrator has to kill him. What? The body's alive? But you just said it was decaying. Check that you stay consistent.
There's barely any justification. Why now? Why this particular name? My skepticism's multiplying. And the lack of contractions only makes things choppy, as opposed to contributing to formal, enigmatic speech.
The clause to the right of the conjunction is dependent, meaning this sentence isn't compound. "Put" is also a weak verb.
You also went comma-happy in a lot of other places, so I'll insert a link: Commas with Compound Sentences, and also Sentences: Simple, Compound, and Complex.
Vial?
This whole section rings redundancy. You talk twice about the blood entering. You always talk twice about the narrator's pulse. Then there's the word "constantly", which doesn't fit, seeing as it's only emphasizing that the narrator isn't dead. I don't think that was your intent. So maybe you could combine it with the fragment that ensued?
Two pieces of time squeezed into one sentence. I think you meant: "I turned around and began walking down the alley, my shoes clanking."
More walking ...
And more walking ...
And more walking. Four times we hear that the narrator's walking. There's only so much walking the reader can take. Just play around with the wording and phrasing a bit.
It also takes the narrator a compound adjective and another adjective to tell us the car's brown. Easy mend: clip "light brown".
In that whole paragraph, there's also little sentence variation. Try sewing some passive voice in there. Once again, play around a bit.
Now we come to dialogue. I could give a whole lecture, but there's no point in repeating what this site has to say. (Please don't skip over it. It's bad to fall into a habit.)
More blood issuing. But issuing from where? That word only exists for the sake of occupying space. The description would look a whole lot cleaner and deeper if it was simply "as blood painted his face."
I bet you abhor this review. It only tore your amazing work to pieces, and yes, it is amazing. But understand, the higher the quality, the harsher the review. They just come out that way; I have no explanation for it.
Keep it up! Looking forward to more!
Thanks for the review, and you won't be casted aside. I don't do edits until I'm finished the story. Thanks for the criticism.
No problem! Sometimes I come out a little too harsh.