We were in complete control of Dreyfus, but still wanted to see if we were able to achieve Vampirial. It was a smooth ride to Russia, and we were now entered the warm, luxurious hotel room. Tyreese threw her coat on the couch.
“I am going to boil some water for food.” she said, walking into the kitchen.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing.” she said incredulously as she disappeared into the other room.
I put my leather jacket back on, and went outside to get some fresh air. I quietly opened the door, and softly closed it behind me. Then I left the hotel.
The cool breeze swept over me, and I saw a girl with smooth, brown hair, that was long and wavy. She had peachy lips and pale olive skin. Her pupils were a vibrant red. A strange aura secreted from her, as if she was neither human or vampire.
“Hello Lazareth, where’s your friend, Tyreese?”
“Who are you, and how do you know my name?” I asked, taking out a grey bone that was stuffed in my sleeve.
“I work for the Vampire Royal Family, otherwise known as Vampirial.”
“What’s your name? I asked sternly.
“Lena Zgodska, a witch, and the last vampire I seen in these parts was Nadiya Sirko.”
“Where is she now?” I asked.
“Where you will be, Vampirisi.”
“What? How do you---”
Lena took out her wand, and an electrical surge of energy issued from it. I swung my bone in a sweeping motion, and a cloud of dust secreted from the ground. Blotches of blood adorned her body.
“You are too powerful for your own good.” Lena said.
I swung my bone once more, and a mystical green fog issued in the air. Lena swung her wand, and a dome surrounded her. The engulfed her, and dissipated into the air. The dome disappeared, and she was unaffected. Lena threw her head back in a maniacal laughter.
“To the Queen you go!” Lena yelled. She swung her wand once more, and before I was able to defend myself, a thick fog engulfed. I was becoming drowsy and somnolent.
“The sleeping curse.” I heard her say, as I succumbed into the disdained darkness of my subconscious.
* * *
Darkness surrounded me. I held a torch in my hand, and I saw a cobblestone path on the ground, my feet clanking as I walked towards it.
As I walked, I began to wonder what a sleeping curse was, and if I was ever to escape it.
Fog rose from the ground, as I looked around for an exit. My reflection appeared, and I looked around, but my reflection appeared incessantly, until I realized a wall of mirrors surrounded me.
As the fog rose from the floorboards it sent a cold, damp feeling through my body as I waltzed in the darkness. I took the long, grey bone out of my pocket, and waved it in a sweeping motion. A cloud of dust formulated in the air. The floor below me melted into a pool of black oil.
I fell into a room of fire. Red curtains adorned the windows, and tall orange flames engulfed me, as I tried to escape.
Fire ran down my arm, and it scorched my skin. I waved my bone. A flurry of dark shadowy wind surrounded me, as the flames died down. The room was a deathly shade of gray. I extended my hand, and a ray of green light issued from my sweaty palms.
The light began to eat away at the room, until nothing was left but disdained darkness. The floor beneath my disappeared, and I fell into the darkness.
My grey bone slipped from my hands, and I heard it clatter. That’s when I knew that the darkness was not eternal.
I braced myself, as I succumbed into the malevolence of my subconscious.
End of chapter
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140,727 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
Hey Cesare!
I apologize for taking so long to get to this chapter; I've been quite busy lately, you see.
So, as usual, despite your chapter being fairly short, a lot actually happens in them. I've said this before and I'll say it again; I want to see more. You actually have quite a few neat ideas that keeps occuring, but you need more padding. More descriptions of what is happening, who these people are and what they want. Paint the scenery, fill us in on these locations and thrill us with some awesome scenes.
In this chapter, I am still very confused as to what happened with Dreyfus in the last chapter. That chapter ended with both Lazareth and Tyreese standing in the middle of the airport terminal in front of Dreyfus, who no longer had a heart (still not onboard with this heart-ripping/Kali-ma thing.) And Tyreese also yelled for people to call an ambulance. What happened with that?
You start off this part with both characters having just taken the flight with no difficulty and they land in Russia. I'm not even sure if Dreyfus is with them at this point.
I would definately want you to clarify what actually went down in the last chapter. Did Tyreese actually rip his heart out? Or did she just perform some spell that sort of ripped his heart out in a psychological sense? And either of these would put him under their control in a way. If I had to choose which of these to go with, I'd go with the latter. Magic, rather than raw, brute power. It would also, obviously, avoid the problem of other people noticing that this man is missing a very important organ (as well as the question; 'how is this man still alive?).
Well, that got long.
I'll just write as I go along:
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As a side note here, you change your tenses a lot throughout your parts. I'm not going to pull out any in particular this time, just remember to stick to one.
Though you don't fill us in on that much of what is happening all the time, I do find it odd that this is the first thing she does when entering the hotel room. In addition to this, it's odd seeing as they only feed on blood, right? Another thing that irked me is the fact that very few hotel rooms come with their own kitchen.
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Capitalize after ended dialogue. Also, I feel incredulously doesn't really fit the action here. It's also one of those words you use too much.
Again, write more of what happens. When did he take the jacket off? They just arrived in the room. (And in that case, he already had fresh air quite recently
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I also removed the first comma. You often have commas in places where they aren't necessary.
I would really, really love for you to stop using this word. It's still everywhere.
Drop the second comma.
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You still have a way with good, interesting names though. I like this one.
She is in...Vampirisi? But I thought Vampirisi is something you achieved, not a place. In fact, we now learned that Vampirisi also is a way to make yourself 'royal' in a way.
...
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So, they just had a big, magical battle. Yet, this was right outside the hotel, right? He walked outside and then he saw her. Are there no people around at the moment? I'd try to keep my magic battles to more secure locations.
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These are both the same thing. Redundant.
Alright, next up is some sort of strange dream or hallucination that he is experiencing. That is pretty cool.
You already said you were walking on a cobblestone path though, not on floorboards.
Disdained darkness. That is another one of those recurring words or phrases that you like to use a lot. You've already used it earlier in this piece and I remember you used it before. Your writing would read a lot better if you improved on your vocabularly, as to avoid repetition. Just reading a lot will add to it.
Okay, neat. I really liked this last part where he is going through this. It's not much I can say about it.
That's pretty much all I could comment on. Still quite a few issues, but I'm invested in what is going on. Your overall ark is interesting. I do hope you continue posting these.
Keep it up, Cesare!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks!
Hi there Cesare!
Back for some more of Vampirial! This was an interesting chapter. Even though they have Dreyfus they are still going after Vampirial, and it seems that with this sleep spell Lazereth may be getting to the Queen sooner than he had planned. I just hope Tyreese manages to find her way there soon enough as well, and I wonder why Lena went after him and Nadiya in particular. Hm... intriguing things I guess we have to wait till the next chapter to know!
At the beginning there is a little bit of suspiciousness because Tyreese makes her excuses to go boil water for food. But my question is, what makes that so suspicious? Mention something she is doing weird, like biting her nails which is something she only does when nervous, to give a good reason for Lazereth to suspect something. Also, why would they even need boiled water for their food. Even though they are half necromancer, don't they only feed on blood?
Nitpick! It should be we were no entering.
Needs to be the floor beneath me, or the floor beneath my feet...
One thing I wanted to hear more about was the sleeping spell. I am assuming it will explained later on, like how it works and so on. For now though, we only get to see what Lazereth does during his dream. I wanted to know how it felt to actually be there. Was he aware he was under the sleeping spell, or did it feel more like a dream? Did his body feel heavy, or was something unnatural happening? I want to know more details like this, to hook me in to the story.
Keep up the writing. I am curious as to what Tyreese will do when she seems him missing, and to find out why he has been summoned! As usual, please do keep me updated!
Deanie x
Thanks for the review, and it's simply to look up to Nadiya, I'll explain more in later chapters.
Hey there, CesareBorgia! It's Mr. Powers here, with another fun and exciting review!
And today for lunch, we're going to eat Vampirisi; 2.2.
Okay, so here's what I got from the first part. You and your friend, Tyreese, go to Russia in order to search out and achieve Vampirial. They go to a luxurious hotel, and while Tyreese makes some food, the speaker goes outside to fight a witch, and looses.
The second part did nothing but confuse me. So you wake up in a room, surrounded by mirrors. Then the room catches on fire, and unable to escape it, you stay there, apparently ready to die.
I'm sure if I went back and read the other entries, I'll be able to understand fully. But I didn't. Anyway, the imagery here is strong. The detail in each sentence is even stronger. That's exactly what I want to read in a story, but can never seem to write.
Great job!
Thanks
, I expect you to be confused though.