Cloaked by the night, I walked through the dark, ominous forest. An austere aura secreted in the air, as I ambled in through the wet mud.
Tyreese wants me to do this. She should of did it herself. I thought quietly. I leaned against the tree as I waited for Nadiya. The bushes rustled quietly, and the wind whistled, as a silhouette came into view. The silhouette had long, blonde hair and pale skin. She held a golden staff encrusted with a purple jewel.
"Nadiya?" I asked.
"Yes, it's me. What is that you want?" She asked. She was nice and quiet.
"I am not human. That much I know. But I survive on the blood of others. As does my partner, Tyreese."
"I know what they call you. They call you Vampirisi."
"Vampirisi. They are the offspring of vampires and necromancer."
"So we're half-vampire?"
"Yes." Nadiya said. She snapped her fingers, and fire illuminated from the palm of her hand. A beam of fire radiated towards me. I took out my bone, and I waved it in a sweeping motion. Dust filled the air, and the fire subsided into ashes.
"Why did you do that?" I asked.
"It was a test. I wanted to find out who your mother was."
"You mean Silena Beauregard?"
"Yes. I was right. I saw her die. Do you wish to know who killed her?"
"Yes."
"She was killed by a malevolent vampire known as Viktor." she shivered at the sound of the name. Traumatized by the outskirts of his presence.
"What happened to Viktor?"
"He was killed by my friend, Greybaum."
"Nadiya, if I am half vampire will I still achieve Vampirial? And why did you shudder when you heard Viktor's name?"
"The gates of Vampirial are closed forever. And I shuddered at Viktor's name because he made me become a vampire. I'm cursed to murder and kill people. Blood will always sully my hands." she said.
"Oh. Well, I have to go, but I will visit the Royal Family."
Nadiya's eyes widened in suprise,"That isn't a good idea."
"I don't care." I said, succumbing into the dark, forest.
* * *
I watched as Inspector Dreyfus scurried to his car. Engulfed by the dark, disdained night, I drove. I saw Tyreese's face. She probably wondered what Nadiya told me.
"What did Nadiya say? What are we."
"We are called Vampirisi. Half necromancer, and half vampire."
"What about achieving Vampirial?" Tyreese asked.
"The gates of Vampirial are closed forever." I answered.
"Do you believe her?"
"No, but we can go to Russia. To the Vampire Royal Family." I said.
"What could we do then?"
"We are going to let Dreyfus know, that way, he'll follow us."
"What if he finds out about them?"
"Then he will no longer be a formidable enemy." I said.
"Well then let's buy that one way ticket to Russia."
"One way?"
"Yes, we are going to achieve Vampirial." Tyreese said, a sly smile formulated on her lips, as we drove, lead by the midnight moon.
End of chapter
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140,739 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hey Cesare!
Glad to see another chapter up, and this new title is interesting. The idea of a half vampire and necromancer... I wonder if they get a standard amount of vampire powers and necromancer ones in them, or do people sometimes end up more vampire than necromancer and vice versa? I wonder...
It was good to see Nadiya reappearing in this chapter as well! It was a nice connection between the two novellas so far. I like how you've also shown some more vampire traits in here like drinking blood and all that. We also get to see Nadiya's thoughts on being a vampire, which is that she hates what she has become. She blames Viktor. All these are things I was asking for in previous reviews, and you managed to show them here. I am glad to see them ^.^
I did wonder what happened to Greybaum. Nadiya passingly mentioned him as a friend, but that is all. What do werewolves do once they have achieved Vampirial? That is what I am wondering over here right now... Might be nice to show, even as a little aftermath to sum up what happened to the previous characters. They didn't get much of an epilogue in any way, and this could sort of be it.
I am also wondering, why does everyone want to achieve Vampirial? What could be so good about it? And once you have accomplished the task, what does being Vampirial even give you? Is it just the title so you move higher in the ranks of hierarchy in this mythological world, or is it because it enhances their powers or what? There needs to be something enticing about achieving this seeing as everyone so far has wanted to travel to Russia and complete it.
I never knew Tyreese was a girl O.o I guess it's a good thing to know.
I wonder why Lazereth doesn't believe Nadiya when she says the doors of Vampirial are closed forever? Make sure you give a good enough reason so that it is believable. Maybe there are a certain amount of vampires that can be Vampirial, and if they come in as newcomers than she might be pushed out. For example, but just something like that xD
Who are Tyreese's parents? Are they same as Lazereth's. Also, how does the test that Nadiya did show who his parents are? Maybe you should mention Nadiya thinking that the colour and shape of his bone was the exact same as Silena's, and that every necromancer family line uses the same type/colour of bone as well. Or something similar to this.
who is tyreese's parents, or are they siblings? how does that test tell who their parents are? How do they acquire this bone anyways?
I don't have any more feedback for you other than what was mentioned! Keep up the writing, and let me know when you post more!
Deanie x
Thanks for the review
Hey Cesare!
You've got a new chapter up! As well as a new title! That's pretty awesome.
As I said in the previous chapter, your writing has definately improved after your short stay here, but it could be a whole lot better.
There is a bunch of grammatical errors, several plot points which you need to elaborate on and write better, and your vocabulary could use an enchancement.
As for the story we got in this part, it's really neat to see Nadiya again. I was waiting for you to tie it into the previous novella. I also liked that this chapter follows Lazareth, which we were sort of introduced to in the first chapter.
Another thing I need to mention. While reading through this, I noticed several places where you referred to Tyreese as she and I immidiately told myself to edit them because they are obviously typos.
But then I realized that Tyreese must be a female. I felt quite dumb. However, I read through the previous chapter again and I actually found nothing that indicated that Tyreese was a woman. Other than loud shoes, perhaps. Checking the other reviews, I found I was not the only one who confused the gender. So that's good.
I'd make that more clear. It's kind of important.
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
This is what I mean when I say you should expand your vocabulary. I'm not sure if this word has been repeated in all your chapters, but I know I've seen it in a whole bunch of them.
Building a large vocabulary comes with time, but you can still do major improvements on it quicker. I don't know if you read a lot, but you pick up so much from them by doing so.
Edit
Quick edit. And how can you think quietly? How about 'I thought to myself.'?
Edit
Just 'a tree', unless it's a specific, very important tree.
You don't really need any commas or punctuation here. I'd remove them all.
Edit
Well, now that I know Tyreese is a lady, this takes on a whole new meaning. I like it. They're together and they're trying to figure out what they are.
So, your dialogue is okay in some places, while in others it's hard to follow. You don't specify or describe who is talking at all times. For instance, this dialogue could all be within the same line.
Example:
"I know what they call you; they call you Vampirisi. They are the offspring of vampires and necromancers." Nadiya explained quickly.
I kind of figured that Lazareth and Tyreese had no idea what they were. He was just informed that he's a hybrid of vampire and necromancer. But right after this, he pulls out this bone (from where) and shows off his awesome necromancer skills.
No. Fire doesn't subside into ashes. You've done this before as well. I think it was even more silly back then. Was it water into ashes? Something like that.
As I said earlier, there are lots of things you need to explain. Like here, what is the logic behind this? She attacks him to figure out who his mother was? Does she somehow find it out through magic, or does it only lead to him talking about her? Because if so, why not just ask him?
I suppose she wanted to check if he had the same necromancer powers as his mother did, but as I said; explain more.
This line is fantastic. It reads very well and sounds real good. I love it!
Remove the second comma.
So I'd really like to know some more information about why they met in this forest. It seems like none of them had clear intentions about why they were there in the first place.
How did they plan to meet here? How did Tyreese know where Nadiya was. How do they all know each other? Wasn't Nadiya a newb in the first novella, how did she aquire this new information? There's a lot of plot points you need to explain more about.
So, I'm not sure what this entire previous scene was about. It wasn't a flashback, as it picks up where the last chapter ended and Tyreese asks what Nadiya said. I guess Lazareth left to go meet Nadiya and then returned to Lazareth? But then again, we are in the middle of a city and he met her in the forest.
And...we immidiately pick up where the last chapter ended. Dreyfus hasn't even made it to the car yet. It must be some sort of flashback or nonlinear narrative going on. It's all quite confusing.
Also, remember that Tyreese and Lazareth are both in Dreyfus' original car. So he isn't scurrying to his car, but rather another random one.
Edit
Question mark at the end here. Not a period.
I'm not sure I follow this plan about Drefus following them to Russia. Why lead him along?
But anyhow, that's all I could possibly say about this chapter. You have some small improvements here and there and you are bridging the gap between the two stories by connecting the new characters to the old ones. It's good progress.
Tell me when you've got another chapter out.
Keep it up, Cesare!
Cheers
Birkhoff
thanks for the review