Heya Cesare!

This was an interesting chapter. I wondered why they would need Vampirial to be able to kill Dreyfus, but I guess they won't need that after all :p And I wonder if they can control Dreyfus now that they have his heart? I am curious to see where you will go with this, and it makes it a pretty interesting chapter.

One thing I have yet to understand though, is why they have such a big problem with Dreyfus. Why is he even always chasing them and trying to peg them down with the police? Does he even know what they really are? I am curious, because if I were him I would come better prepared if I knew I was up against vampire.

"We don't need to achieve Vampirial to kill Dreyfus."
"You're worse than Viktor."

Why does not necessarily needing Vampirial to kill Dreyfus anything like Viktor. Viktor just went around starting duels and killing vampires. Wanting to kill one man isn't really Viktor-like but more just vampire nature seeing as they kill people in the process of drinking blood. So maybe link up the two comparisons better with Lazereth saying something else that seems more Viktor like.

"No, Viktor killed many people and accidently turned Nadiya into a vampire. I have to go to the bathroom."

That was two pretty big jumps! From Viktor to needing to pee. I would suggest you put a break in there, something like this...

"No, Viktor killed many people and accidently turned Nadiya into a vampire." Lazereth paused, and it was easy for me to see the hurt on his face. He continued, "I have to go to the bathroom."

What doesn't make too much sense to me is that in this chapter Tyreese decides she can't kill Dreyfus in front of everyone. But she can rot his arm away to bone in front of everyone? I also though that he might scream or pale and drop to the floor in shock or something. It's a pretty terrifyingly traumatic experience to be going through, so it sounds like it would be necessary. And then as well as that, this is a busy public airport! I think someone passing or just sitting waiting for a flight would notice this ordeal and well, panic, which would draw attention to all of them. Meaning it is likely she wouldn't be able to pull out his heart after this.

"I took out Dreyfus' heart, I am in total control."

She's supposed to be keeping this a secret because if everyone knew Tyreese would be in prison super quick. But in the middle of the chaos and the airport she announces to Lazereth what she's done? That seems a little dangerous. Anyone could pass by and know everything just by overhearing! So, maybe they need to wait a bit until she can pull him aside and whisper what she's done.

Also, a heart is a pretty big thing! Where does she put it to hide it?

Gotta run at the moment, but looking forwards to the next chapter. As always, just let me know when you post ^.^ (I think I am finally all caught up on all your chapters.)

Deanie x

Hey Cesare!

You continue writing these chapters really fast, and that's awesome. At least I'm still able to keep up with these so far. Back for chapter two, part one.

As with your other parts, this is still pretty short, but I guess a lot actually happen in them. In this case, we get an awesome scene at the airport.

However, what goes down in this chapter is very hard to believe. In fact, it's fairly unbelievable. The notion of somebody physically ripping somebody's heart out of their chest, in the middle of a crowded airport no less, is too far fetched. And nobody in the airport notices this?

I know Tyreese makes an excuse and tries to act as if he doesn't know what is going on, but that is rather weak. And heck, didn't Drefus have a bunch of police with him? I'm sure they would act when they saw these events unfold. Heart-ripping (that was weird to write), is destined to create some panic, I'm sure.

Aside from this, I'm still not sure why they would lead Dreyfus after them. Why not just get away? Their actions led them to this encounter, and it would be quite hard to accept that they would just be able to leave at this point. This would surely lead to the planes being grounded, right?

Lastly, the Indiana Jones fan in me does appreciate a somewhat awesome Kali Ma reference. (Without it really being a reference.)

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

Edit

and everything was going according to the plan.

Edit

I could see him through the corner of my eye, but he didn't know I had seen him.

Edit

Open the gates of Vampirial?

So, I'm wondering why you changed the title to Vampirisi when they are still going to try achieving Vampirial. What is Vampirisi? I'd like some clarification between the two.

"Are you sure you want to do this? Open the gates of Vamipirial?" Lazareth asked.

"Yes, we will achieve Vampirial, and destroy Dreyfus." --> Tyreese

"We don't need to achieve Vampirial to kill Dreyfus." --> Lazareth

"You're worse than Viktor."--> Tyreese

Okay, I'm using a large example here. You see, I'd like some more dialogue tags to signify who is talking. In some cases, you can get away with not identifying the speaker for a few lines. Here, you don't have too many lines of dialogue, so it can scrounge by. It could look a lot better though; dialogue tags will add a lot.

However, as you can tell, I added in a few blue edits above. I just need them for a point. That is, how did Tyreese know who Viktor was? Lazareth was the one who met and talked with Nadiya in the previous chapter, but Tyreese was the one to mention him here. The dialogue didn't add up.

He also has a point, they don't need Vampirial to kill Dreyfus. And hey, she actually did kill him without these powers. So I suppose that was some character traits showing themselves. Good.

Edit

"Wait, Lazareth,

Remember to proofread. It removes a lot of small errors.

Edit

I found a seat, and sat down.

I wondered how much Lazareth knew about Viktor.

I'm really unsure about both these characters now. It's as if you mixed them both up.

He had a bushy mustache on his upper lip.

As opposed to a mustache on his lower lip?

Edit

"Really? Then where is your walkie-talkie? Or do you not know the full extent of my power?" I asked.

Added a few question marks.

I had the chance to kill him, but I couldn't do it in front of everyone.

Alright, so I'm really confused as to what exactly did happen here. First you write that she does something to his arm, making him lose it and leaving nothing but the bone.

Then you go on to say that you can't kill him in the middle of this crowded area. You then proceed to rip his heart out of his chest. Very confusing.

If you meant for this heart-ripping (now I'm writing this again) to be some sort of magical spell, and his heart isn't actually ripped out of his chest, then you didn't portray that properly. In addition, it would sound even more out of place. Despite a fantasy setting.

I quickly took his heart out, and put it inside my jacket.

Yeah...

Well, there's not a lot of else I would want to bring up in this chapter. This had a really cool scene, but yeah, there's a lot of recurring issues. I'm hoping you develop even more as a writer.

Keep it up, Cesare!


Cheers
Birkhoff