Lazareth
The chains rattled as I groaned slightly. My head was throbbing as I sat up. I couldn't remeber anything. There was in fact something I did remember.
*******
I felt my breath snatched away from me as the water pushed and pulled my body. Red dots appeared in my eyes. How strange.
Blood is not supposed to seep from body. But yet I still feel this strange feeling. As if my soul was exiting my body. Water swished and swashed and body was pulled by two places at once. I couldn't feel anything beneath legs.
My chest was heaving as I felt the water passed through my body. I could see a blurred image passs quickly before me.
I sputtered as my heart beated rapidly. Then I felt I hand grip my shoulder. Disoriented and delerious, I felt a hand grab my arm. I saw Lena holding my hand. It seemed as though shr had control ofcthr water.
Suddenly, shocks if electrity shot through the water and Lena fell towards the ground. The surge of electricity went through my body.
I felt the hard ground colllide woth my body as the water forced me down. A sharp pain ran up my spine as I saw Ki approach me.
She extended her staff towards me and everything went black.
*********
I moaned softly as I moved over from one end to the next. There was a sadistic laugh ringing in my ear as I shuffled around. The laugh got louder.
And louder.
And louder.
Until suddenly the Former Queen of Vampirial was standing right before me.
"The time altercations are almost complete. They will no longer live the lives they thought they did." Ki said, as she entered the room.
She injected a strange pink fluid into a needle. "Your majesty, may I ask what this serum will do?"
"It will curse then to live two lives at once. A curse only broken by one thing."
"What is it? " Ki asked.
"I will tell you when the time comes." The Queen said, "for know you must pretend to be the queen."
"Yes, Your Highness." Ki said as she exited the room.
My head was groggy, but I still managed to concetrate just enough to the point where the bars were beginning to bend.
Just when the Queen turned around, I jumped out of the cage and kicked her in the face. Blood dripped from her lip as she was forced back.
She then flipped in the air and waved her staff. A golden cage ensnared me, and she held the shot in her hand. She slowly walked over to me.
I clenched my hands around thr bar hoping that they would melt. But they stayed solid.
"This bars will never melt. It was the perfect way to deal with you. Now prepare to pay the price. " the Queen said. Her shoes clicked on the linoleum floor as she slowly walked towards me.
I could hear my shaky breath as she yanked my arm. The needle was inches away from my skin.
With great force she stabbed tbe needle into my skin.
*******
My eyes fluttered open. Where exactly was I. I felt strange. As if my days in this wotld were numbered. As if where I was could never exist in real time.
There was a faint knock on my door as I finished sorting the piles on my desk.
"Come in." I said.
A woman who was dressdd in a black blazer and a professional skirt walked in.
"Sir, the boss would like to have a wors with you." She said.
"Thank you Lena." I said. I was suprised that I knew her name. She looked offly familiar. Except for the fact that it seems.as though met her in a different environment.
I got up and walked over to the bosses office. I knocked on the door.
"Come in." The boss said. I walked into the bosses office. He had his one hand behind his back. The other hand groomed his beard.
He looked as though he could have been a king. He once told me that his first wife had disappeared in a run in with the law. He then got remarried.
How is this information relevant I have no idea? I have no idea.
"Lazareth. I'm retiring and I would like for you to come over to my house for a celebration. I also came to tell you tht I am leaving the company in your hands."
I didn't know what to say. Literally. I still don't umderatan the situation.
"I don't know what to say." I said.
"I just need you to be there. I have to do something real quick. See you later." He said.
The door closed behind the boss as I imagined what it would be like to take over Vampirial Incorporated.
************
I knocked on the bosses door and saw that it was slightly open. Something told me not to open the door.
Defying my instincts, I darted my head from left to right and then I opened the door.
I walked in to the house. I heard noises blare from the TV. What was going on?
I slowly walked into the livingroom. The boss was laying in a chair. His chest was moving and his back was straight. Too straight.
I reached my arm over to touch him. Then I felt a soft drop hit mg forehead.I placed my hand on, rubbing the hof wet liquid between my fingertips.
Red monochrome blood dripped from my fingers. Staining the fur carpet. I looked over to the boss and saw that he was laying in a pool of blood.
I had a strange urge to drink the blood. So irrefutable that I felt my heart plummet.
I dived into the pool of blood. I started drinking the blood. The sweet nectary taste consumed me as I kept drinking the blood.
I found myself staring at the boss, the pool of blood still around him. What just happened.
"Hello Lazareth."a voice said. I turned around and saw a woman holding a knife in her hands. It wasn't just any old knife either. The serated edges were like mini blades themselves.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I am The Queen of Vampirial, and I have something to tell you." She said. "The life you are living it is fake. Everything is defises by me. "
"Why are you telling me all this." I asked.
"Because," she said,"you are going to die."
In a flash the queen was standing before me as I felt the knife enter my chest.
Tyreese
I walled in to the bosses house. I was holding a big jar of Hawaiian Punch and a family sized bag of cheetos.
There was a light shining on the door when I walked over. The door was slightly open and I felt a strange chill as I opened the door.
I smelt blood as I tried to open the door. A lot of blood. Water filled my mouth and I wanted to drink the blood.
The temptation was empowering me. I've never felt so stressed in my entire life.
My tongue constantly licked my lips. I threw the jar of Hawaiian Punch on the ground. The bag of Cheetos fell to the ground and I crushed the bag with the heel of my stilletos. A loud pop erected from the bag.
The door opened and I walked in. The floorboards creaks loudly but were covered by the screaming of a familiar person.
A pool of blood spilled into the livingroom. My mouth wateted and I stuck my finger. I slowly and languidly licked my finger scraping off all the blood that I can.
I licked my lips and I submersed myself into the pool of blood and I began to drink it. I don't know what came over me. I know that I shouldn't be doing this. But. I. Just. Can't. Stop.
As I was drinking the blood. I heard a strange shimmering noise. I lifted my head from the pool of blood and I walked towards the shimmering noise.
I walked into the kitchen and I saw Lazareth cowered into a corner. The silohuette of a woman stood before him. She held a knife in her hand.
Suddenly the scent of blood got stronger. And stringer. It got to the point where I was growing delirious. My eyelids rolled into my head and everything went black.
*****
I groaned as my eyelids opened. Opalescent lights shined btightly in my eyes. I put my hand up from the blindsiding light and I looked over to the side.
I saw Evan, Lena and Tyreese layed on hospital beds.
Greybaum and Nadiya were no where to be found. I took the wires off of my arms and walked over to the mirror at the farthest corner of the room.
I was dressed in a pink hospital blouse, embroidered with characters from DORA the Explorer.
The mirror shimmered and the image became blurred. Before me I saw a different future. One where I was stick at the darkest corner of the universe. One where I was reborn and trapped once more to this fate.
That's when the voices started. Something that was once dormant but has now reawakened in my body.
"Tyreese."the voice hollered and hollered. Then it became a soft whisper vibrating on the tendrils of my vessel.
Then I saw myself staring back at myself and I was placed in the parallel universe.
A univese that trapped me in a distained darkness at the farthest corner of time staring back at the monster that is now me.
Lazareth
I was awakened by the snarling of the giantic, beast like figure, wreaking havoc in the middle of the room. Fangs curled from its bottom lip and a stream of blood dripped from its sharp ends.
In a flash it was on top of me and I realized that I was still in a bed. It picked up my bed and threw it towards a mirror.I saw what looked like Tyreese kneeled down and crying.
The mirror enveloped me in a silver liquid and ripped my soul into two pieces. Before me I saw three people. My vampire personality, which showed blood dripping from my fangs and running down my neck. The other person was my necromancer version, which was far more sadistic amd controlling than my vampire self. The dead latches on to him in the dark fogginess of the night as the world crumbled around them. The last person was my human version which was imprisoned for the crimes it committed. Rusty shackles restrained his hands and his face was covered woth dirt. The walls around him were smeared in black chalk with the word Vampirial written on it.
"Choose one."a voice said and I thought about it. Vampirial needed to be destroyed and only my necromancer self could achieve the task.
I walked over to the necromancer and it took my hand.
Suddenly I felt the dark spirits wailing in.my mind and I knew that I had to destroy Vampirial before I had lost control of my mind.
"Destroy Vampirial." I ordered.
"Are you sure. Vampires will be cursed forevermore. " a voice said.
"Take my hand," a more malevolent voice ordered."I will destroy Vampirial for you."
I looked over to the other spirit. It was filled with a luminous light. Then to the other one. I realized that I had made the wrong choice.
But it was to late to go back.
I heard dark moans fill ny mind and I had lost complete conrol of myself. I looked over to the other spirit and saw the dark aura secteting from him.
And all I could think about was the destruction of Vampirial.
And without a second thought, I graciously accepted the dark spirits hand.
————
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi there Cesare!
It's been a long time since I have had to review a chapter for you, so I am happy to see you posted this! And it's the grand finale to the second story of yours that I have read, so I am happy to see you were able to complete this project. Congratulations! It was a worthy sequel to the first book I read by you, and it seems like you had a lot of fun writing books. Is there going to be a third one?
What is a bit of a shame about this chapter is that I know you didn't proofread it before posting. I know it takes a lot of time and can be a bit snooze-worthy, but then we can judge the best of your writing and we wouldn't need to pull out so many nitpicks because of typos! So yes, this is something worth thinking about and doing before you post next time
Because of the sentence that follows after this one, I suggest you cut off the word at the end of this sentence. That way together, the two sentences flow better.
The first remember you use is misspelled. Also, this seems repetitive when it doesn't really have to be. You could simply say something along the lines of 'I couldn't remember much, but there were a few moments that I could.' That joins both those sentences into one and sounds less repetitive!
The second and third sentence could easily join together and form one sentence if you take away the full stop and put a comma there instead. Also, there is a mistake in the last sentence which stops it from making sense. How about this: Water swished and swashed as I felt my body being pulled in two.
I don't think the water can really pass through the body! How would that happen? I think you mean the water washed over her body, or something similar to that.
You don't need the 'ed' on the end of the word 'beat' there.
Delirious is misspelled in this sentence. Also, the second time you mention a hand grabbing him, maybe you should say another hand grabbed them, so we just get the implication that two hands is grabbing him. Also, you then say that Lena is holding her hand, but how is that possible if she is already holding her shoulder and her arm? Is more than one person grabbing her? It doesn't indicate this, but if that is the case, then maybe you should mention who it is. If not, then mention the shoulder or arm being released so Lena can hold her hand. I doubt she has three hands
Here's where we know you didn't proofread and you typed too fast. Because you misspelled 'she' and also 'of the'.
You misspelled electricity. And it should be 'of' instead of 'if'.
More misspells! You mean 'collide' and 'with'.
Reading this, I assumed they were on the bed, but you never make sure we know what it is. So tell us, they were moving from one end to the next of what?
When you are writing the flashback at the beginning because Lazareth is recalling what he can remember of the flood, it might be a good idea to have the flashbacks in italics. That way we can distinguish between the past and the present better. As a reader, I got a bit lost as to which was which and it made reading this harder.
I feel like they need to show fear as the queen approaches with the needle. We need more emotion! They are going to be cursed forever more, and there is going to be nothing they can do about it. Basically, this is the end of the road for them. They should be frightened. Breathing hard, yes, but cowering against the bars, as far away as they can be, and we should know about their internal panic.
I feel like they should also be showing us panic when they realise they can't escape the cage and have to accept the fate of being cursed forever more, not knowing how to free themselves. Yes, this does go hand in hand with what I mentioned above. But it should have some limelight in the middle of the chapter.
Another point that you mentioned at was the antidote to this curse. The queen mentions it to Ki but doesn't say it, which makes sense, because the victim is right there. But we wanted to know what it was as readers, and because you put it there you gave us the impression that we would get to know eventually. You never go back to tell us, so I felt a bit left out there. Maybe slip it in somewhere.
You could possibly slip it in when you write a part in the evil queen's point of view. This might be worth having at the end, because I want to know how her story ended too, with Ki! Did they get the rule that the wanted, or did the people try to reject them and she had to battle for the throne in the end. Did everyone believe she was the real queen so she met no resistance? I feel like we should know... Everyone's ending should be fully explained!
The first sentence is really a question. And who is this voice?
In the end, I was very confused. I didn't understand what the curse really did, and how the bosses death related to anything. Why did the queen curse them if she could have easily killed them and be done with them then? I don't see how the choosing between all three things mattered, and how he even had that option! It was sudden, unexplained and didn't make sense. I don't see how the vision in the mirror mattered, or how the hospital scene falls into this. Lazareth suddenly had the power to destroy Vampirial, and that definitely didn't make sense, and I don't see how he got that power or why he got make that decision. On top of that, who on earth was the dark spirit and the voice? At the end of the story, it isn't worth adding any new mysteries because it is the end and we need to be satisified as readers.
What the ending needed was not to be rushed and it needed to be thoroughly explained. All my questions and points above needed to be answered in detail throughout the story to make this the great ending it needed to be. This wasn't your best chapter, because it was confusing and needed proofreading. All the words spelled wrong were a bit distracting as well.
I wish you the best in future writing endeavors, and I hope this wasn't too harsh as a review! I just have your best writing interests at heart. So keep at it, and you will keep improving
Your ever loyal reviewer,
Deanie x
Thanks for the review, I think there will be a third one, after I edit the first one.
I noticed that you separated sentences too much when they really should be connected. However, I do like how descriptive you are.
The chains rattled as I groaned slightly. My head was throbbing as I sat up. I couldn't remeber anything. There was in fact something I did remember.
Correction: The chains rattled as I groaned slightly; my head was throbbing as I sat up. I couldn't remember anything-or at least, I thought so. (I thought this needed some revising)
I felt my breath snatched away from me as the water pushed and pulled my body. Red dots appeared in my eyes. How strange.
You should connect the first and second sentence to give it more of a flow instead of it being choppy.
Blood is not supposed to seep from body. But yet I still feel this strange feeling. As if my soul was exiting my body. Water swished and swashed and body was pulled by two places at once. I couldn't feel anything beneath legs.
Correction: Blood is not supposed to seep from the body, yet I still feel this strange feeling, as if my soul was exiting/leaving my body. Water swished (I don't think swashed is a word) and my body was pulled by two places at once; I couldn't feel anything beneath my legs.
I loved the characters and description.