Tyreese
The King and Queen ordered me to go on a secret route to Vampirial. They didn't want there honor to be ruined by, and I quote, 'the likes of me'. I swallowed my pride, and hung my head down in shame. Nadiya gave me an apologetic look, and I assured her that it was alright. Halfway to the back of the castle, I heard a shrill scream coming from the throne room. My shoes clicked on the floor, as I ran towards the throne room. There was a large fissure in the middle of the floor. The King and Queen was gone. Nadiya ran over to me, while Evan, Greybaum and Lena went after the purpatraitor.
"For a minute I thought it was you."she said.
"Oh... really." I said curtly.
"I'm sorry, it's just that you were practically lied to, and it would make sense after Lazareth died."
"What do you mean, he died, I thought I had three days." I said.
"As soon as you left, he destroyed Vampirial. It was a hoax, with Vampire speed, he figured you would be there in time so he could destroy both of you." Nadiya said.
A lump filled in my throat as I held back tears. An awkward silence followed, and then we walked out of the throne room, deciding that it was best not to linger for any longer. We walked in the hallway for around the castle for a couple of minutes, trying to find out if the person was still in the castle. After many failed attempts, we decided to give up, and walked back to the throne room. Just when we were about to reach it, there was a loud whirring, and the lights dimmed. There was a loud noise from the throne room, and then it was a pitch black.
"Nadiya... where are you?" I asked.
"Right here." Nadiya replied.
"Good stay there." I ordered.
"You don't order me around!" she snapped.
"Be quiet, this is not the time for your power play." I said. Before she could come up with a rebuttal, my hands shined with a bright light, and a narrow beam of light escaped from my hands. I started walking, and Nadiya followed me. We walked for about for a little while, before my intuition told me something wasn't right. I turned around to face Nadiya, but she wasn't there. Where did she go?
"Nadiya." I called out into the darkness.
"Over here." she said, her voice was soft, but there was a small raspiness in her voice that wasn't her. Her voice ringed in my ears, and I walked over to it.
"Nadiya, what happened-"
I was interupted by a loud whirring. Suddenly the lights were back on, an I stood before a strang woman. She looked very familiar, but I couldn't place my tounge on it. But I did know that she had smoething to do with Vampirial. I smelt blood on her clothes. It wasn't just any blood, it was vampire blood.
"You killed a vampire?" I asked.
"The King and Queen of Vampirial to be exact." she said. A sadistic smile outlined her face. That's when I remebered who she was.
"You were the queen of Vampirial." I said to myself.
"At least you know, your partner didn't, but he doesn't know where I am." she said, throwing her head back in a roar of maniacal laughter. "But on a lighter note, I have to kidnap you, now if you just let me knock you out, this will be very simple."
"What, you're not taking me anywhere!" I yelled, deja vu washing over me as I said it.
"I wasn't asking your permission!" she yelled, and she extended her hands. Rays of light excreted from the luminous light bulbs, and a ball of plasma formulated in her hands. The ball cracked with shocks of electricity. And she aimed it at me. A wave of electricity shot at me.
Before I was about to be hit, the attack was parried by a shield. I turned around, and saw Lena holding a wand above her head.
"Get behind me." Lena ordered.
I quickly ran behind her, as the queen shot more rays of electricity at us. Lena dismissed them with red streams of fire escaping her wand.
"I was the Queen of Vampirial, your meager attempts to defeat me are-"
She was interuppted by a twenty foot wall of water crashing over her head. There was a light blue shining from the water, and The water drained into it, a ball of water manipulated palm of her hands.
"Like I said, your attempts are meager!" she hollered, and sent the ball of water right back at us. Lena swung her wand, and a shield secreted from her wand. The dome surrounded us, and the water wrapped around us as if it were christmas wrap. There was a loud snap, and Lena's wand snapped in two.
Immeadietly, the barrier around us subsided, and the wall of water came crashing down. The current pulled Lena away from me, and I swam through the water that filled the whole castle. How was that possible? Lena did not send that much water back at her. What is this woman?
Being a vampire, I was able to breathe under water, but I know that Lena wasn't able to. I scissor-kicked in the water, and I saw Lena falling to the floor, Her eyes were closed and there was blood coming out from her mouth. Foam followed it, and there was no way I was going to get her out in time.
I looked up to the cieling. There was a crack that outlined it, and I knew that Lena wasn't the only one in danger. The castle was cracking under the pressure of the water. Lena didn't have much time. There was one alternative. I swam over to Lena, and bit her in her neck. Turning her into a vampire was the only way to save her life.
I watched as the color miraculously came back into her face. She took a deep breath and woke up with a start.
"I feel... different." she said.
"You were about to die, so I turned you into a vampire." I said. I closed my eyes, and braced myself, hoping she won't be mad at me.
"Thank you." she said.
"What... I..." I stuttered.
"We have to go, the roof is cracking, I may be able to cast spells without my wand, now that I am vampire." she said.
"What happens when your wand breaks?" I asked.
"I die." she said bluntly.
"But I thought the water..."
"No, I can just cast a spell to breathe underwater, now let me concentrate!" she exclaimed. Before Lena could do anything, the cieling came crashing above my head. Lena quickly pulled me towards her, and we swam quickly down the flight of stairs. I saw a door open, and the water was pulled out of the castle. The strong current pulled us away. Even a vampire could not beat the strength of water. We are only able to manipulate it.
Suddenly, I found myself outside, and Lazareth was standing before me. He pulled me up by my hand. My face still in awe, thinking that he was dead.
"You're alive!" I exclaimed.
"Why would I be dead?" he asked me, his face riddled with confusion.
I explained everything to Lazareth. "So the queen did kidnap them. Where is Evan at?"
"I have no idea. He went to go get the Former Queen." I told him. I looked up to the sky, there was a small figure in the sky, the color in the sky was being consumed by the small figure. Lazareth followed my eyes, and so did the others.
"What is that?" Lena asked.
"Get on my back, I'll fly us up there." Greybaum said. His nose elongated into a long snout, and fur riddled his body as he transfigured into a lare wolf. we climbed on his back, and blue streams of fire illuminated from his paws, as we flew up to the sky.
As we got closer, the figure was getting larger, from where we are now, we were able to tell it was a girl. My intuition told me it was the queen. I hoped everyone else agreed to me.
"I think it's the queen." I said.
"We don't know that just yet, it could be Evan." Lena said.
"It's a girl!" I yelled.
"She's right." Lazareth agreed as the figure was now more clear. The woman held a purple staff that was glowing a sky blue as the color drianed from the sky. She saw us, and Lazareth eyes widened eyes in surprise at the small, petite girl with short black hair that reached her shoulders.
"Lazareth, I thought the Former Queen got rid of you long ago." she said with a cackle.
"Who is she?" I asked.
"Ki, the former princess of Vampirial." Lazareth replied.
Suddenly Ki's staff pulsated, and a wave of water crashed down on us.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi there Cesare!
I think it was a big surprise to see the former princess on there at the end and was a nice twist to the story! I wonder why she was exiled with her mother and where she had been hiding before. It must be awesome to know and see. You better keep up with all this writing so this cliffhanger can be solved!
I apologise for it taking me so long to get here after you posted! I've been buried under with schoolwork and all that jazz, so I hope this isn't too late at all! By way of plot I had to rewind a little and scan the previous chapter because I'd forgotten what was going on! But I was able to catch the gist of it again and get on with reading a story I enjoy
When Tyreese hears that Lazereth is dead, I feel like this should have more focus in the chapter, even though he isn't really dead. You have to make believe that he is because for all Tyreese knows, he really is! She should be feeling crushed, beaten and completely as sad as can be. They were brother and sister and now he is supposedly gone, never to come back and be there for her again. I feel like she needs to be suffering with thoughts of his memory and shock as she goes through all the things she does afterwards, and the thought can be constantly trying to distract her. I don't know if you have lost a loved one before, but trust me, when you've only just heard about it, all you think of is that person!
Also, how was Tyreese still talking to the King and Queen when they had just disappeared You mention the disappearance but then you continue the conversation like nothing has happened, which makes me feel lost. Did they all transport with the King and Queen, and if so, where did they go? Just to another part of the castle?
I don't understand how Nadiya feels about Tyreese. First she feels sympathetic towards her because she is being treated badly just because of her "type." But then after that, Nadiya snaps at her when all she is trying to do is help, and when the reasoning is revealed to her, there isn't even an apology. I can't tell if Nadiya likes or dislikes Tyreese, and I feel like we should be able to differentiate between the two. So try and make one emotion more prominent than the other. Also, if Nadiya and Greybaum are going to be part of this novel, more focus needs to be placed on their characters. I feel like they are not in the limelight and only called upon when convenient for the plot.
I wonder, does Tyreese really feel no sadness at knowing the King and Queen are dead? Even though they weren't the nicest people to her, they were the only people who could've granted Vampirial to her, and surely she must feel like she has lost something out by them dying. And she did know them, albeit briefly, and she must be able to emphasise at least! So, maybe more mention of emotions here. Or maybe Tyreese doesn't believe what the old Queen is saying and thinks it's all just a hoax. But if Tyreese is really going to consider this option I believe she would weigh his motives and reasoning, so this could be something worth mention.
When Lena's wand breaks and the water rushes over them, I felt myself craving some more description! I wanted to know what such a sensation felt like in itself. Is it freezing cold water? Rushing over them so suddenly it makes them gasp and try to gather oxygen in their closing throat, feeling the goosebumps rise and the shivers break out all over? Or is it sizzling hot from the energy of magic, burning her skin and making her hop from foot to foot? How does the water feel when it unexpectedly gets everywhere? Let me know, I want to know!
I was surprised to find that the vampire transformation was so quick! Usually in most books, like
Twilight, uh, the more traditional ones, the vampire transformation takes a while. So, I was a bit surprised, but then again this is your novel and you can do what you want with it! I just wanted more description of the change :dWhile they're all submerged in water and caught in the action, it seems weird for Tyreese to stop and explain everything to Lazereth right then and there. Wouldn't it be more logical for her to say she will explain later and them to do it when they're safe, dry and not in the middle of a flooding building? Yes, I would think so
I think the main thing this chapter could use is more description in different places, and then it can be brilliant! Looking forward to seeing more posted and about. Keep at it
Deanie x
Thanks, Ive been busy with schoolwork too
Hey Cesare!
Aside from the typo, this was a well constructed sentence. Good use of commas and apostrophes.After quite an absense, you have finally returned with a new chapter to your series. That is awesome!
Seeing as it's been such a while since the last installment, I had trouble remembering everything that has happened so far. Your story is a little confusing and can be hard to grasp. I think I've still got a good handle on the overall story though.
That said, I think this chapter was written a lot better than several previous ones. Maybe you took your time with this. Your story is no longer set in any kind of rule elements. Not even fantasy ones. You sort of continue to make up the rules for everything as you go along. Once the reader picks up on that though, you get less critical.
In some ways, a lot of the plot elements in your story do make some sense. You're connecting things in this chapter with earlier ones and they fit. In this chapter, once it was revealed who was behind the kidnapping etc, it actually made me think 'oh yeah, that makes sense'. So that's certainly good. Not that everything makes sense though, because they don't. However, there's a lot of improvement.
Despite the sort of cool bait and switch with the fate of Lazareth, I'm hoping for an explenation on what actually went down there. There's also a character I don't remember hearing about before, yet she's being portrayed here as a character already introduced. Maybe I just forget her.
Lastly, your writing does improve here. Your sentence structure, dialogue and action descriptions read a lot better. There's still questionable plot elements, as well as little character and a bunch of grammatical errors, including many typos. Overall though, better.
I'll jot down some thoughts and bring up some examples. Though, I won't bring up everything, as I would be repeating myself. Just hammering in some examples.
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
Edit
Edit
I noticed that in several spots there are unnecessary wording going on. I'll point out others too.
Remove the comma.
Edit
Quick typo. Though a tricky word.
Small nitpick, but it annoys me; There's no space between the dialogue and the tag.
Suggestion
This is a question, right?
Though I'm unsure about what exactly this means, I'm glad it went like this. Having Lazareth just die so we can avoid the whole 'forced back in time' is a good move. Though, Lazareth does come back at the end of this, so I'd still want some explanation.
Edit
Here's another example of words that shouldn't really be there. This place it's grammatically incorrect, in others it breaks up the flow.
Edit
Added a period.
Suggestion
Seeing as you included the verb ordered in the previous dialogue tag, I'd change her dialogue here so it doesn't seem like she responded to that. Rather, she responded to what he said.
Edit
Broke the tense. It happens here and there.
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Again.
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A bunch of grammatical issues in this paragraph. Lots of typos. I also realize that 'smelt' is the accepted past tense of 'smell' in some places, but not everywhere. In any case, I vastly prefer 'smelled'.
One thing I'm noticing is that as you get a quite a bit into your chapter, the quality and grammatical prowess in your writing detoriates. Maybe spend some more time on it and do some proofreads. So far, this chapter has been a lot easier to read through. Just a few more of these issues hammared in and your overall writing can start improving a lot more.
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Like this one. Real hasty error.
I'm actually remembering who this is now. You did introduce her before. I also like her wacky dialogue though. She seems very out of it. However, while this line is pretty humorous, it could use some clearing up.
Another thing which is very good: I have yet to see many of your repeated words!
In this line there are two which you used a bit too much from time to time. Still, I'm very glad I don't see them everywhere anymore.
Suggestion
You could totally combine these two lines, making the read more smoothly.
Why is this random word in here capitalized?
Wait, wait, wait. I actually didn't notice this before now. You did repeat this one. I'm so tired of it! xD
Suggestion
Otherwise, you would have repeated snap/snapped twice in a row.
Edit
Another quick typo.
Suggestion
Underwater, it would make more sense with sinking instead of falling, right?
Edit
Weird, obvious spelling errors. You even repeat it later.
As I said, you kind of make up the rules as you go along, and that's okay. In fact, I've grown to like it. And I do like him turning her into a vampire to save her. However; how are they speaking underwater? Is that another side effect of being a vampire?
If they can both breathe underwater now, why is she talking about casting a spell which would allow her to do that? Seems kind of moot.
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There's that one again.
Edit
You might also have been going for 'large wolf' there. In either case: typo.
Also remember to capitalize the following sentence.
Edit
Hasty error.
Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on in this chapter. To be honest, I feel like this was a fairly good improvement compared to your other chapters. I had trouble reading through a lot of the other ones because it was written in a very confusing way. Now you are being more clear. That's good.
In addition, as I mentioned earlier; your writing has improved in general. Still a lot of typos and issues, but it's smoother from a grammatical viewpoint. Good!
Still need to work on those typos though. The grammar nazi in me is losing it.
Let me know when you've got another chapter out. I'll be there.
Keep it up, Cesare!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks! I read all of my reviews and it helped make my writing better.