Chapter Four
Tyreese
We reached the castle's grounds, and Evan escorted me to the castle. My shackles clanked against each other, and I heard a rapid, incessant ticking.
"Do you hear that?" I aksed.
"What?"
"A rapid ticking." I said, turning to Evan. His eyes widened in surprise, as he looked back to the gates. Soldiers swarmed out of the castle. Their lights a pale glow on Lazareth.
"What is Lazereth doing?" I asked.
"He's trying to get out of Vampirial." Evan repiled.
I watched as the darkness began to swalllow Lazereth. Soon he was encased in a dark cocoon, then he disappeared into Vampirial..
"This is bad." Evan looked over at me. He took his sword and cut my chains. "Let's go, I need your help before it is too late."
* * *
I walked into Vampirial's throne room. On one side, sat the Queen, Nadiya, and Lena. On the other side, sat the King, Greybaum and Evan.
Each of the seats were golden, but the arms of their thrones were encrusted with jewels. On the Queen's side, it was purple. Green on the King's side.
Even the floors were lined with golden linoleum, and my steps echoed through the room as I walked.
"Evan, why have you bought this commoner to me?" the King asked.
"Her accomplise, who goes by the name of Lazareth, has entered Vampirial." Evan replied.
"But I thought he was contained." the Queen exclaimed.
"Your honor." Nadiya said.
"Yes, Nadiya?" she asked in a bittersweet voice.
"They aren't just any vampire. They are from the most powerful race of Vampires, that are now extinct." Nadiya said.
"What? How is that possible. Unless..." the Queen said, trailing off into deep thought.
"Two necromancers and two vampires had offspring."
"You mean..." the king said, lost for words.
"Yes. Tyreese and Lazareth are known as Vampirisi."
They all took a collective gasp, except for Nadiya, who sat calmly. She didn't seem to understand the gravity of the matter.
"And why didn't you tell us sooner?" Greybaum asked, trying to play the role of alpha male.
"Because I didn't know that they would break our laws." Nadiya said, giving him a glowering stare.
"They didn't break any laws, well at least she didn't." the Queen said.
"May I say something, Your Highness?" Lena asked.
"What would you like to say?" the Queen asked Lena.
"Since the gates of Vampirial are closed. Doesn't this mean that Viktor will be unleashed?" Lena said in a matter-of-factly tone. The tension in the room grew palbaple as Nadiya shuddered at Viktor's name. What did she have against him?
"Not to mention that we would all be forced back in time, and may never ever come back. " Lena added.
"The there's only one thing we can do." the king said firmly, "Destroy Vampirial."
"Will it destroy Lazareth as well?" I asked, hoping that I wouldn't lose my best friend.
"Yes, indefinetly." the Queen said.
"Wait, can I save him?" I asked.
"Fine. But you have three days to save him, or you will both die. And we will gladly like to be rid of Vampirisi forever." the king said, a sadistic smile lined his face.
And like always, I was out of options.
Lazareth
My eyes fluttered open. There was a strange presence in the air. The aura was similar to mine. Could it be another Vampirisi? Or was it just another illusion?
I was underground, not in Vampirial, as I thought I was. Tyreese is probably still back in the hotel, searching frantically for me. There were voices heard in the distance, but I was hopelessy lost in a dark maze. Where exactly was I?
My shoes sunk in the mud as I walked.
"Intruder! Intruder!" a siren blared, and I found claws grabbing at my feet. They dug into my skin, and dark red blood. I grunted in pain, as I tried to escape my sudden doom. Just as I was about to be realesed, a green, opalescent light shinded in my eyes. I found myself slowly succumbing into the ground.
Just as the sinking mud reached my shoulders, I was pulled up by strong arms. So strong, that they left bruises on my skin. I wiped the mud out of my eyes, and I was greeted by a girl. She had pale skin and black, corkscrew curls that touched her shoulders, she wore a red, gossamer cloak over a lime green dress.
"Hello, I am Ki, this is a special colony. Sorry about the intruder alert. The green light was just to see if you are a Vampirisi." she said.
"What kind of colony?" I asked, my ears still clogged with dirty, wet mud.
"A colony for Vampirisi." Ki said, "Follow me."
I followed her through the long, dark tunnel. There were many voices hearrde, as Ki's shoes sloshed in the mud. I saw a woman with Ki's features. Her hair was longer though, and she wore a white sundress, which hugged her curvaceous body.
"Hello fellow Vampirisi, you have been summmoned here for your connection to the king." the strange woman said.
"What connection? And you never told me who you are."
"You don't know who I am?" she asked, shocked at my ignorance."I am the former Queen of Vampirial."
"Oh, so why were you dethroned? What does the king even have to do with this?" I aksed.
"There were rumors that I was a Vampirisi, but I wasn't exposed until another fifty years. The king is also a Vampirisi, but instead of falling down with me, he chose power. I want revenge." she said.
"I'm not helping you destroy him." I said.
"You have no choice, the king thinks you arre in Vampirial, and he will destroy it, but you will leave right before he destroys it. Then he will be killed." she said, throwing her head back in a sadistic smile.
"I don't care, I was already imprisoned, and killing the king will just make everyone think that Vampirisi are ruthless vampires." I said, taking a deep breath at the end of my rebuttal.
"But we are ruthless, and if you fail to see it, then you will be killed as well as the king!" she hollered. She extended her hand, and a beam of light issued from her palms.
Instead of fighting back, I ran. I had used all my energy destroying that cage, and creating a skeletal bird. I didn't have enough energy to fight.
"Come back and fight you coward!" the former queen yelled, charging after me.
I used my last bit of energy to summon a storm of dust and bones. The queen was lost inside the tornadoe, and I ran to the opening of the cave. I faltered as I noticed that I was suddenly on top of the castle of Vampirial. I felt another vampires presence, and I turned around. The queen stood before me.
"Did you really think that you could escape from me? I am the former queen of Vampirial." she cackled deviously.
"Why are you so bent on revenge?" I asked her, "He choose power instead of you, maybe he did it for a reason. Maybe he banished you so he wouldn't have to kill him hisself."
"You don't understand because you aren't a noble."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"Honor. I lost my honor! He should have killed me! Right there right then, with his bare hands. He has made a mockery of me! He doesn't love me! He wants me to suffer!" she yelled.
A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, as I realized that my plan had worked, I smelt his werewolf scent ascend, and I stared back at him.
His eyes widened in surprise. "You're supposed to be dead!"
The queen glowered at Greybaum, and then he looked towards me.
"I thought you were in Vampirial." Greybaum said in awe.
"Speaking of Vampirial, did the king destroy it yet?" I asked.
"Yes, it's happening now. Why?"
"Can he cancel it?" I asked.
"No, why would he do that?" Greybaum asked.
I told Greybaum everything I had found out. His eyes widened in surprise.
"The former Queen, she's gone!" Greybaum exclaimed.
"I don't have the energy to fly down there, and we have to get to the king!" I exclaimed, tugging furiously at my hair.
"Get on my back." Greybaum said.
"What? Why would I do that?" I asked.
"In my werewolf form, I can fly." he said. His nose transformed into a large snout. Black and grey fur riddled his body, and he was soon the sixe of a large wolf. I climbed onto his back, and I held onto his fur.
He ran to the edge of the building, and then he jumped into the air. The wind whistled past my hair, and my clothes whipped loudly. Fire issued from his paws, and we balanced in the air. We landed softly in front of the castle of Vampirial. Suddenly the skies darkened, and there were loud screams coming from inside the castle.
We walkef inside the castle. There was a dead silence, and then we realized that our worst fear had come true.
The King and Queen was captured, and there was nothing we could do.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Cesare!
Let's go with that saying again, shall we?
I apologise for it taking so long for me to get here! As an excuse, I often like saying better late than never
I think you've got a nice cliffhanger here at the end, and you've left me wondering if Tyreese and all of them are also captured along with the nobles. I am also trying to decide whether Greybaum and Lazareth are loyal enough to the royal family to want to help them... this is going to make some interesting action in future chapters! You also gave the former queen some motive for causing all this trouble as well, which was necessary. The last thing I am going to compliment you on is the flying werewolf idea. That is truly something I have never heard anywhere else before.
So, this was confusing. You say he is trying to get out of vampirial, and as he tries to do this he goes into it. But then later on you mention that he isn't even really in Vampirial in the first place, so this all just gets confusing. Maybe don't say he disappeared into Vampirial, but just say he disappeared. That way we don't know where he has gone specifically, just that he has gone. You can tell us the where later.
Are you really trying to tell me that no one else has done this before? I am sure there are many more cases like theirs
I felt like that was far too easy for Tyreese! Those people don't care about Lazareth in the slightest! All they want to do is seal off Vampirial once and for all, what did it matter if one extra person had got himself caught up in it or not? I feel like the King and Queen could've put up a bit more resistance before obliging to her request. I want to know what's in it for them if he is saved, because if they didn't benefit, I doubt they would let her even try. On top of that, they have another reason for leaving him in there. One less Vampirisi to deal with.
Maybe Tyreese would even have to go into Vampirial without their permission, which is something I could definitely see becoming a possibly. Having that would make her choice seem more daring in the end, and get shows how dedicated she is to Lazareth as well. Try and decide here, think about if it would be good for the story in your opinion or not. Remember all my advice is purely suggestions.
With Tyreese entering and then getting out of Vampirial, even if she did have Lazareth or not... wouldn't that still defeat the point. Viktor, trapped in Vampirial would now know there is a way of possibly getting in and out, and then would try and escape himself. So that could be another reason for the King and Queen strongly saying no to her rescue attempts. But yeah, maybe this is something Tyreese is going to need to consider if she is going to head in there after all. Put some thought to this.
I wonder what is so wrong about being Vampirisi? I know that in Tyreese's and Lazareth's case it is simply because it's against the law. But prior to that law being made there must've been a reason that they are so frowned up and put up against. Yes, the former queen did say they were vicious but from what I've seen of vampires they are equally the same, and manipulative too. So tell us as readers why Vampirisi is such a bad thing in itself.
How did Greybaum appear to Lazareth? He had no clue where he went and was at the meeting and then poof, easily by Lazareth's side in the knick of time. Maybe you should insert a bit to the chapter told from Greybaum's point of view where we see them all leaving the meeting and then him using his werewolf skills to start tracking down Lazareth. It would be well appreciated and needed to link up the little problem burning its way through this chapter.
Feeding off of what I previously just mentioned, I wonder how Greybaum's appearance could possibly be part of Lazareth's plan? Lazareth himself had no clue where he was until told, so how could Greybaum know? Even then, Lazareth would have no clue Grey was going to come and help him, so in reality it couldn't really be part of his plan. More of a thank goodness he's here, now he can save my skinm type of appearance.
Also, would Lazareth really choose that particular moment when he's in the middle of something with the queen to start filling Grey in on what he missed? I strongly doubt it! That wouldn't be sensible or realistic. Briefing each other can be saved for later, more important would be dealing with the matter on hand. So make sure you change this but still find a way for the former queen to manage to escape.
That's all I have to say! And I am all caught up with chapters, yay! I gotta run, but keep up the writing and as always, let me know whenever you post the next one
Deanie x
Hey Cesare!
Back to review the fourth chapter of your second book. I apologize for taking such time to get around to this. You do write this series at quite a pace, it's hard to keep up.
There's a lot to get to in this chapter, so there's not much I'll say about the overall chapter and how it was written. I will say, however, that I think you're writing this a little too fast and putting way too little time into crafting each seperate chapter.
This chapter, as well as all the previous chapter of this second book in my honest opinion, have all been written in what I feel is a very rushed pace. I've been hoping you take time with you writing for a while now, and hoping them would improve further. Lately, I haven't seen much change.
This chapter alone is filled with an extensive list of grammatical errors, lack of proper paragraph or any consistent format. To that end, there continues to be plot elements that are unexplained, as well as plot elements that are just too unbelievable or too far fetched.
I'm not going to go over everything I find in this chapter. Most of this is just repeating myself. At this point, I'm just trying to hammer in as many helping pointers as I can.
So then, I'll write as I go along:
Edit
This is one of many grammatical errors that occur throughout the piece. Just taking some more time while writing these, or rather doing a nice proofreading would eliminate most of them.
So, this happened in the previous chapter. Where Lazareth runs away from the castle, through the gates towards the 'Vampiral' platform. Yet, in the previous chapter, Lazareth makes it and goes through some sort of portal or something, and as we see later in this chapter, he made it through and is now underground somehow. Also, as this is happening in this chapter, Nadiya and Greybaum are nowhere to be seen, even though they were both chasing Lazareth. Keep things consistent.
Edit
You actually misspell his name right here. It even happens another time a little later.
Edit
Another hasty typo.
One period too much.
Wait, why does Evan need his help? Evan is his captor and is working for the Royal Family, right? He is bringing him to them. What has changed? Also, he cut Lazareth's chains with a sword? No.
A thing I mentioned earlier is the fact that you barely have any paragraphs in this. It is mostly made up of single lines. I'd really urge you to try to create bigger paragraphs. I myself used to have a somewhat similar issue where I felt my paragraphs didn't look good when they were too long. But they still needed to be bigger. You have a lot of things you can expand on here.
Alright, for starters you can remove that first comma. It's unnecessary. Secondly, why some of these people be there with the Royal Family? The king and queen I get, sure. But Nadiya and Greybaum are also there? Why? And wait, Evan is there too? I though Evan was with Tyreese? Did he teleport in there? And didn't he need Tyreese's help? (That plot point seemed to go nowhere, aside from releasing Tyreese.)
You do this throughout the entire piece. Both 'king' and 'queen' is only capitalized when you are addressing the person. Anywhere else, it's not needed.
Edit
Quick typo.
Well, if both Tyreese and Lazareth is still around, they technically aren't extinct at this point. But I see where you're getting at.
I'm wondering; why is it Nadiya, the newbie among them, who seems to have all this information about them? I know she met with one of them earlier, but the rest of the gang seems really stunned about the reveal.
Wait, how can Viktor be back? I thought he was dead? (As I went back to the end of your previous book; yes, Viktor is dead. He appeared as a ghost though.)
I don't believe 'matter-of-factly' is an accepted term.
Edit
Small typo.
Alright, you brough up the time travel bit again. I said this on another occasion as well, but I would really avoid any notion of time travel. Aside from bringing in a whole other element into the genre, time travel makes things really confusing. Both times you have mentioned it, I have also chuckled a bit at it. It comes off really weird.
, and dark red blood.....yes? And dark red blood... what?
How about; They dug into my skin and I felt dark red blood trickle down my ankles.
Edit
And hey, what do you know! We have another familar appearance! A green, opalescent one.
Seeing as he was up to his shoulders in mud, he wouldn't have mud in his eyes. He would now though, after wiping his eyes with his hands, which obviously were covered in mud...
Edit
Too many of these hasty errors.
Edit
Again.
Edit
This plan of hers sound very dangerous to themselves. She hangs all her hope on the idea that Lazareth will kill the king right before he destroys Vampirial, where the queen is? What if he fails and the king does destroy Vampirial? The queen would die with it.
Edit
Typo.
How is he suddenly on top of the castle? And how was he even in that cave in the first place? You said it was underground.
Edit
These errors grew in size towards the end here.
This was his plan? That makes no sense. How did he even know that Greybaum was at the castle in the first place?
Sigh...okay, whatever. He can fly now, sure.
Edit
Another one.
Edit
And one last one.
Lastly, I'm unsure as to why the king and queen being capture would be their worst fears. The king was about to do something very bad. Now he can't do that. This is positive... right?
Alright, that's pretty much all I got. I've been following this series as well as your writing for quite some time now. Though I'm glad I've done so and it's been cool to watch your skills grow, I want them to develop further. It hasn't improved much in quite a while now.
You can start by putting more time and effort into your chapters. You can do a lot better than this. And hey, what's Dreyfus up to at this point? Despite being a bit derpy, I kind of liked that guy.
Let me know when you've published another part. And spend some time on it!
Keep it up, Cesare!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks for the review, yes, I have been going a little fast, I promise I'll try to make them better, and look at this review again when I'm doing revisions.
Hey I think your chapter is pretty good. You've got some outstanding dialogue however it goes on just a little bit too long and it would be great if you could break it up with some descriptive sentences. Perhaps of the surroundings so the reader can get a better idea of where the characters are and what is happening around them.
Keep up the great work
Thanks!