Word Count: 1006
-ONE-
"Make me a wish." I say into the brightly lit candle in front of me. I know that no one can hear me, but it is nice to know that someone may be listening.
I ran my fingers through my brown, corkscrew curls. They touched my gossamer red hood, that was slowly beginning to lose it's color. I have had it since I have been caged up in this hellhole.
"Help. Make me a wish, and you'll know." I said to the candle, knowing that nothing would happen.
But I was wrong.
The candle glowed with an opalescent blue, and then it began to spark. A darkness issued from it, and it slowly began to envelop me in a soft cocoon.
"My wish. It's coming true." As I have thought I wished it would. My eyes closed softly, as I prepared for what was coming next.
* * *
I was suddenly in a strange place. My brown hair was defiled with streaks of black, and it was not short and curly. It was long, and hung down my back. I was changed.
A man walked into the room. No, not a man. A beast. This was the fate bequeathed to me. I stared at the vile beast. Fangs curled at through his bottom lip, his arms were as red as the monochrome blood that secrets from my skin. His eyes were dark and slit like a cat, and his shoulders were like a buffalo's, broad, and misshapen.
I sat at a golden table. Tears streaked across my face. A devious smile riddled the beast's however. And he walked towards me. I walked back in fear.
"What are you?" I asked.
"A beast. An outcast, cursed to this devilish fate. May I ask you one question?"
"No, get away from me. I could barely stare at your face." I said, tripping over my chair, my dress tattered and torn, as well as my gossamer cloak.
"Let me help you up." he insisted.
"No, stay away from me. Don't touch me!" I screamed.
He walked over to me, and picked me up. His hands were smooth, and through the sunlight, I watched as his body morphed into a normal human being.
The night was over, and he was now a human.
"What... what are you. You were hideous, and now you are beautiful." I said. He had golden, sunlight hair and smooth, fair skin. He had alabaster teeth, that shined his bright smile.
"Now may I ask you the question?" he asked.
"Yes, but I will still never forget what you are. A beast. An outcast. A freak of nature. But you may ask me anything, as long as you don't hurt me."
"Well I have to ask, will you marry me?"
"You are beautiful, and hideous, but I don't know if you are true as heart. I don't know if you'll be my true love's kiss."
"Then I will be your true love's kiss."
"No you can never be my true love kiss!" I yelled, pushing my golden chair to the ground. I lifted my skirt off of the ground, and I ran.
My footsteps echoed on the hard, linoleum floor. My sobs were loud, and obnoxious. I pushed open the door, and I watched as Beast followed me.
He transformed back into the hideous freak of nature he was. A monster of flesh, and evil.
"I will find you girl. Even if it means my life." he yelled.
"My name is Belle!" I screamed, "And you will never find me!"
His lips formed devious smile, and he threw his head back in maniacal laughter. I hurriedly ran for the black gates that outlined the castle.
They looked as though they were closed, as though they were never open to the general public. Every time I thought I was closer to reaching the gates, I was just a little bit farther. There was a rapid, incessant ticking.
"You can never escape you fool!" Beast said, but now, he was standing right beside me.
"Why? What have you done?" I asked.
"Nothing, it is the curse. You cannot leave until you love me. Marry me, but you don't have much time." he said.
"How do you know?" I asked, finally I stopped running.
"Each year, a part of the black rose that lies in the attic, falls down. Each year my life is on the line, and there's only one way to save me." he said, his face was solemn and forlorn.
"Is it, true love's kiss?" I asked.
"Yes, but the person must truly love me, as I have to love them. When I heard you whisper that you would like to have a wish, I brought you here." he said.
"Why? I want to be free! I want to run, let the wind rub against my dress, as it whips in the wind. To watch as the moon casts a pale glow on the grassy meadow." I said desperately, holding back the tears that dwell in the whites of my eyes.
"I am sorry, I only wish to be human." he replied.
"But does it mean that you have to deprive one of the happiness that they wish to have. To dwell in their arms. To have that one true love's kiss, and live happily ever after." I cried loudly.
"You are a fool. There is no such thing as true love. There will never be a true love!" he screamed. He gasped, clutching the right side of his chest.
"How do you wish to be human, when you don't even know what it means to love!" I screamed.
"I hope you know that if I die---" he said, lost for words. It seemed that he was in denial of his imminent death.
"If you die?" I asked, waiting for his answer.
"If I die, you will be cursed to stay here forever, and you will never have the true love's kiss that you so desire." he said, as I stood in mock horror.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
well this is an interesting little piece. Let me tell you it's a lot different then anything else I've read on this site. Then again I haven't really read that much. But this is pretty unique. Also the vocabulary in this is pretty good. I've never actually seen the word 'gossamer' used like that. The characters kind of seemed a bit odd to me, I understand that he wants true love kiss but chasing her while maniacally doesn't really seem... i can't really find the word for it.
The true loves kiss thing is a basic thing in stories/ fairy tails. And they way you wrote was a little different but it seemed normal. Guy sees beautiful he automatically thinks it's true love. But it really isn't because the love isn't really mutual. Yes his human side is attractive but just meeting someone or looks doesn't really equal true love.
Belle was kind of interesting as a character. Normally when a guy like beast comes along in stories the woman learns to just accept them for whats inside. But she wasn't that at all, she saw how horrible he looked and even after he saw his human form she still called him hideous and ran away. So good job for not making a predictable female character.
There were a lot of periods in this though so I think you might want to pull u[ on that.
also nice cliff hanger type deal at the ending.
all i can say now is just keep writing
Thanks!
Okay, Sushi here for a review, sadly I can't say it will be quick because I tend to ramble XD I hope this will help you though ^^
First off I would like to say a retelling of this story sounds fun, but what do you mean by a retelling? Like you're just going to take the original story and change it up? That would make it a bit of a fanfiction then, wouldn't it? Or do you mean that you're going to create another story with the same general plot outline? If you are going to do that then I suggest that you do what Kate98 said about changing names up a little bit.
Also, if it hadn't been for your title and the names, I would have no idea what was going on. You story kind of just hops right into the middle of things, and it's not even the middle of the action. The only bad thing about doing this is that it confuses your reader, you have to give them time to understand what's happening, and even with your title I had trouble getting an image of what was happening.
I feel like you could work a little bit on the dialogue to make it flow more naturally. Dialogue is a great way to bring across the personality of a character so you have to give the character a distinct way of talking. Word choice plays a big part in this, and so does when they take a breath and the like. Little tags at the end help too, like "he bellowed" or "she sang".
There was some issue when it came to the flow of both your sentences and your plot, sadly I can only help you with one. Sentence flow is best fixed but reading what you wrote out loud, where you pause a comma will most likely be found. It's not full proof, but it works most of the time. As for plot flow, you want it to move slower than how you have it now, but not so slow that the reader falls asleep. It's hard to do and I have issues with it, try adding more details, that should slow things down a bit.
Along with mentioning more details, add imagery. You were describing the beast pretty well, but you can do better and I know you can. He's supposed to be a beast, right? Get into the nice gruesome details, is there raw meat stuck in his yellowed teeth? Perhaps his fur is matted and greasy and in need of better grooming. Comparisons are one way to go, but when it comes down to it they don't do the best job.
Overall though it wasn't bad! You definitely got the scenes going and get a nice vague idea of what's happening at that moment which is important, now just do some grammar fixes and add details and you'll be good to go ^^ Keep up the good work and good luck with your writing!
Sushi
Thanks! It's just a retelling of the actual story.
I see. So are you going to do any little tweakings? Also, is there a Grimm version of the story?
Yes, just wait and see
Hi! The premise of this story is great and I cannot wait to see where this is going.
First off I have a few general/plot suggestions. I would consider changing the names from the original story for the sake of originality. Maybe the female could be Bella or something close to Belle. Also the dialogue between the characters is a little stiff. I have found that reading a section aloud makes it much easier to write it realistically.
The biggest grammar thing I would fix is that you have many comma splices. try to make sure each comma is necessary. you can always use ellipses (...) or dashes (-) to signal pauses in thought or speech. the other thing that jumped out at me is in the last line.
I think you should delete the word mock because it means fake and I think that you mean real.
Keep up the good work. Can't wait for the next installment!!!
-Kate98
Thanks!