A candle was lit, and I saw a woman with long, blonde hair that hung down her back. Her face was oddly familiar.
"Kimberly Johnson?" I asked.
"Yes, I think we're going to survive this."
"But I thought you were at the NGC."
"No, that's my stunt double. She needed the money." Kimberly replied.
"May I have a candle?" I asked.
Kimberly placed the small wax candle in my hands. I searched meticulously for an opalescent light. I found a kerosene lamp, and I turned it on.
"I think it's over." Kimberly said, for their was a strange, eerie silence. I pushed open the door, and the wind swirled into a misty vortex, and it contorted into a grey funnel, moving towards us.
"It's not over, we have a set of tornadoes coming." I said, pulling down the door.
"I'm scared Chris." Kimberly said. I stared strangely at her.
"How did you know my name?"
"You don't remember eleventh grade?" she replied.
"Oh yeah, I remember you now!" I said.
"So what do you do now?" Kimberly asked.
"I'm a chemistry teacher. I wasn't prepared for the disaster, but I knew it was imminent." I said.
"How? Why didn't you tell anyone."
"It was too late. All I saw was acid rain, and brown water."
"Oh." she responded. The door was rattling, and we backed up, as it shook vehemently.
"What's happening?" Kimberly asked.
"The tornadoes are coming." I said.
"Before we die, I want to ask you something, in case we live."
"What is---"
Then the door was blown off, and the wind whipped in the air. It picked me up, and threw me in the air, my clothes separating from my body. I saw an abandoned tenement, as I fell to my death. I grabbed a railing, and slowly climbed it. Then I stepped into the building. I charged out of the room I was in, and ran out the building.
The natural disasters came to a halt. But danger still lurked through the streets, and their were bombs firing consecutively down the streets.
I ran back inside the tenement, cuddling myself for warmth.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi Cesare!
Again, the action never ends with you does it. From sink holes to tornadoes in this chapter as well as meeting Kimberly as a real life person. Finally we also get to see that everything is being shown from Chris's point of view, who I am assuming is a new character to the story as well.
New day and new review as well
One thing I notice is that although Kimberly says she is afraid, you don't show it to us at all. Maybe she has goosebumps, or is shivering terribly or trembling. But I want you to show us how she is panicking and freaking out from her actions, not just her words. I guess that Chris is less afraid than she is as well by the way he is asking. He just pops out his head and sees the tornado and then calmly says, yep, we have one coming at us. Maybe he has full confidence that they are safe where they are? Maybe mention that, and how he let that thought sink into his bones and calm his raising pulse.
Also, Chris is swept away in the air by a tornado! It's sudden and terrifying! I would expect him to yell, feel his clothes being ripped from his body and wondering where Kimberly is and whether or not she is surviving. When it comes to action like this show us these things: What they can see, what they can taste (if anything, maybe it's just hard for him to breathe with the wind whipping around as it is), what they can hear (maybe his own screams) what he can feel (if anything) and what he does in response to all these things as well. That is how I try and deal with action in my stories, so maybe it will work for you too.
One time when I was falling I grabbed on to something that stopped my fall. I almost let go again because the sudden jerk on your shoulders and muscles is pure agony! Now, I can imagine doing it while in the middle of a tornado and it must be utterly painful, so bad I can't even think about it for too long! Make sure you include that horrid feeling, as if your muscles are going to be wrenched out. Show the struggle of him trying to hold on though the wind is defying him. Because really, doing that isn't as easy as the films make it out to be
I liked how he is safe now, huddling together and trying to stay warm. I wonder about Kimberly though. I can't wait to see what happens next, so I will read on!
Deanie x
Thanks for the review, I'll add the edits when I'm done writing it.
THis is a great story and I read the first one so I get what's going on. I must say though, there is a Kimerly issue here and there. First, What happens to Kimberly when the narrator is thrown out the window? Does she get eaten by the storm and die or is she safe in her hideout. Also, I get that the stunt double would need the money so they went on TV but 1)Was the stunt double only for the news report about the storm or all of them? 2) A TV reporter wouldn't really need a stunt double unless they were doing something dangerous. All I'm saying is a better choice in words would be a recommendation. This story is really coming along though! Keep up the good work!
thanks for the review!
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
I'm afraid that I haven't read the previous chapters, but I'll try my best to understand.
So I figure that there is a freak storm going on, tornadoes are on the rampage and your main character is hiding away from the danger. Not an original idea, but certainly an interesting idea that you can develop to be your own.
Before I carry on, let me just do some Nitpicking!
Now this sentence sounds a little awkward. I think that saying her hair hung down her back is unnecessary. If you just put that she had long blonde hair, the reader can picture it for themselves. But the question is: What was Kimberly doing? Standing or crouching down? That is one thing you have to mention when describing the main character's surroundings.
Now, this seems unrealistic. Sometimes as a writer it is good to put yourself in the situation. If you were hiding away from a tornado - would you say straight away that you think you would survive? I certainly wouldn't.
The full stop needs to be replaced with a Question mark.
Now I did some research and found out what 'Vehemently' meant. Unfortunately, even though it is a great word, a door is an inanimate object so it cannot do something 'Vehemently'. Good vocabulary though!
You have a good story going here, you have excitement and drama all building up. I just think you should mention what happens to Kimberley - does she get blown back as well? Does she hurt herself? And also, I thought you said your protagonist was falling to his death. Even if he hasn't died, is he injured? Why did he leave Kimberley all alone and run out of the building? Just some pointers to think about.
But well done and keep up the good work!
thanks for the review!
Your welcome!