Tears ran down my dirt-painted face, as I walked through the streets of death. I turned around as I heard a loud clanking sound. Perhaps it was a car.
A white van approached me, and the door opened. There was a man with brown, neatly combed hair, and a business suit, sat in the seat.
"Get in." he said.
I got in the car.
"Where are we going?" I asked, as the car drove through the dead bodies.
"To Washington D.C., in America there are only twelve people left, we have to get them all accounted for."
"Twelve?"
"There are only eighty-five people in all in the world, thirty of those people are government officials."
"Oh. Well, where am I?"
"Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, or what's left of it."
"You should at least try to keep hopes high."
"That's easy when almost all of the world is gone." the man said facetiously.
"How are we going to repopulate?" I asked.
"What do I look like, someone who gives birth to babies?" he said sarcastically.
"No... but---"
"But what? There is nothing left man, nothing."
"Yeah, well I'm going to put it behind me, and go to sleep."
"Go ahead." said the man.
I leaned my head on the window. At least in this new world, there were no dangers, and I could sleep soundly.
Without worry.
Without fear.
Without loss.
End of chapter
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Timmy here, yet again.
I think that this review will be shorter than the other... With this chapter, I am going to stay away from normal grammar/punctuation nitpicks, and remain with nitpicks that concern style more so...
First off, my comment may sound a little blunt. This chapter is simply empty. Devoid of thought. Devoid of feeling. Devoid of character. And devoid of your writing voice. Robbing this piece of that special thing simply takes away all of its specialty that is associated with your writing!
So my first comment would have to be with your dialogue:
Dialogue is a very powerful part of writing. I have read entire stories without thought. Without anything save for dialogue. And I completely understood the characters feelings. What he thought. What was going on inside.
That is it? That isn't a normal introduction to a character. Remember, introducing a character is a very powerful part of writing. Just like making good first impressions on a person when you meet them, it applies to the characters in writing as well. Make them give an impression to your reader. This sounds more like she is hitching a ride then getting in a get-away car.
Is his attitude wary, or his eyes shifty? Or does he open the door and yell at her, his expression stern. You stated that he is wearing a business suit... So is her more like a car salesmen, trying to sell his "services" --convincing her to ride in his car? Or is he forceful? First impressions mean a lot.
On a more practical side of things, concerning the story rather than style...
There are 85 people left in the world, right? So what are the chances that out of those few people, she met up with one so... so accidentally. Like it was mere coincidence? I think it would be better if it was planned. Like she knew he would be there, or some such. That would make it seem more... accidental. You must have a reason for everything.
Wow. so dramatic. So powerful... That repetition, the "Without". Just amazing... You have a knack of doing this, repeating words to build a point. To build drama.
Keep it up! I will go onto the next chapter now!
You should feel honored! This is my 350th review!
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks
Hey there! Isha here to review.
Okay so, I read .1, and I have to say that the plot has the potential to be... interesting, I suppose? I'm kind of curious as to what the heck happened that left eighty-five people living in the world. The first part leaves us with no description of the surroundings. It's just dirty and a bunch of dead bodies? You don't have to tell the reader what happened. Definitely don't have to do that (in fact, it's better if you leave the mystery there!). However, telling us nothing isn't going to work, either. Some ways that you can offer hints are:
1) what state are the buildings in? Are they still in-tact? Ruined? Are the streets dusty and full of rubble along with dead bodies? Are the cars bashed in?
2) Are the bodies disfigured in any way? Are there strewn limbs? Weird blemishes on the skin?
Moving on from that, there're a few other things I'd like to discuss. Number uno is your cliche glorification of the United States and the president. What I don't understand is why, in seemingly every dystopian ever made, it's the US government that survives and puts itself back together again. In your case, it's the only one. You have eighty-five people left on Earth, and thirty of them are American government officials. That leaves twenty-five, minus your MC (who obviously isn't part of the government, but is still American), which brings us down to twenty-four. Possibly twenty-three, but we don't know who your mystery driver is.
Twenty-five leaves pretty much no room for any other surviving governments. What about China? They're mega-powerful. So is Japan. Russia? Great Britain? Canada? South Africa?
Or are the remaining twenty-four/three also Americans? Because, when you take population ratios into context, that really wouldn't make any sense. At all.
Just something to keep an eye on. There are other countries in this world.
Thirdly, your MC just sort of hops into a car with a random stranger. I looked back at .1 to see if she had any reason to, but she didn't. And I don't know, maybe she's just terrified and desperate for human contact, but if that's the case, you have to show us that through her emotions. Desperation to find one living person among the carcasses. Otherwise, I seriously would not just hop into some random guy's car after walking around in what's essentially a cesspool of dead bodies. My trust levels at that point would be 0.
The fourth point I'd like to make is on the writing itself:
You've got a first person piece, and so far, I know absolutely nothing about your character's personality. There's no originality to her voice. No little quirk that makes it her own. The narration, where there is any (because .2 is pretty much just dialogue, which I'll get to in a second), is stunted with awkward spatterings of forced-sounding imagery. It's cluttered with unnecessary adjectives, and the way it's set up seems to be trying to push for dramatic. It just comes off as forcibly cheesy.
And then you've got the dialogue. It in and of itself is totally fine, but there's no narration. You don't see any body-language, or any movement. No facial expressions on the face of either character. Which is only problematic because, quite often, the physical nature of the speaker conveys more emotion and personality than the actual dialogue does.
All in all though, you've got yourself a pretty interesting intro to what looks like it could be a pretty dang neat little story. Just some things to polish up around the edges
Good job and keep writing,
~Ish
Uhhhh......you have my interest. What the hell happened? Why are all the people dead? Did north Koreans finally build a nuke that works ? Did the aliens come back and wipe us out? Did god get pissed and start over again? Or is this one of those stories that shoots first and explains later? If thats the case I hope you continue this, and would appreciate it if you tell me when you put the next part up, cause I want to know why everyone been kilt. Keep up the good work man.